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its been a tough year so far
me and my girlfriend of 3 years (almost) have been fighting more often than the previous years
our communication has never been that great but we somehow managed to solve (or lets say ignore the problems) and end up being happy together,that doesnt work anymore,at least not so often
we're both at our early 20s,both college students and we usually fight about silly things.
Last fight was about me being lazy like she says,she wants me to find a job,but its quite difficult to find a part time job in my country (for some reason i can find full time instantly but part time is so hard,cant explain it)i cannot find a full time job because that means my college greats are going to be bad.
second reason was that she want me to start practicing driving my father's car so we can go on dates with it,and not go on days using the train,i dont know...it seems silly to me,but there a few things like that that add up,and those fights keep coming back,last thing was this week,she told me to read a book she liked so we can talk about it,it was 40 chapters online,i promised her i'd be done with it by tuesday but i run out of time,i dont know..it doesnt like a big of a deal to me,maybe it is...but she keeps saying ''i cant trust you for our future,you didnt even do that little thing i asked you (talking about the book).that's the things she recently blamed me for,and got angry
she has quite a few problems,her relationship with her best friend of years got ended for no reason,she avoids her and doesnt tell her why,she's a very anxious person,and gets stressed by everything.
anyway....she said she wants some time apart to figure things out,i immediatly asked her if she is talking to another guy,got angry and said ''no im not...i open my heart for you,talking about things that matter to me and all you care about is if someone steals your girl''
she asks for emotional support all the time,i try to give it to her,maybe im doing it the wrong way i dont know
im one of those guys,hugging you tell you its gonna be ok,and that im here for you,but she says i dont care about her problems and that im not affectionate enough,i talk little,i wont lie...but how do i show her that im there for her? sigh
she asked for a break,said im lazy and not trust worthy,and that she needs to figure things out,she feels stressed physically and mentally and she was avoiding me for 2-3 days before saying that,she replied to my text with 1 or 2 words maximum.
how do i handle this situation?how do i become more affectionate?and show her that im there for her.
i currently stopped contacting her,i think im gonna wait for her to send me 1st
is that the right call?
we fought for things 4 weeks ago,didnt speak for 3 days,then she called me and everything was,im making progress on those things,at least i think so
im looking for a job,im practicing the car 2-3 times a week so we can go the dates she likes,as for the emotional support thingy,i dont know what im doing wrong or what to do
one detail i forgot to say
when she called me,and came to my place she told me a few of her problems,and said im so stressed i think im gonna suicide,and said that while crying
i didnt take it that seriously because she is quite moody and anxious i think it's because she was tired from the exams,but i think thats the main reason she wants a break from me,she called me selfish and told me that i care only when she is reaching the bottom
please help
note:you dont have to be polite,say what you think
its been a tough year so far
me and my girlfriend of 3 years (almost) have been fighting more often than the previous years
our communication has never been that great but we somehow managed to solve (or lets say ignore the problems) and end up being happy together,that doesnt work anymore,at least not so often
we're both at our early 20s,both college students and we usually fight about silly things.
Last fight was about me being lazy like she says,she wants me to find a job,but its quite difficult to find a part time job in my country (for some reason i can find full time instantly but part time is so hard,cant explain it)i cannot find a full time job because that means my college greats are going to be bad.
Second reason was that she want me to start practicing driving my father's car so we can go on dates with it,and not go on days using the train,i dont know...it seems silly to me,but there a few things like that that add up,and those fights keep coming back,last thing was this week,she told me to read a book she liked so we can talk about it,it was 40 chapters online,i promised her i'd be done with it by tuesday but i run out of time,i dont know..it doesnt like a big of a deal to me,maybe it is...but she keeps saying ''i cant trust you for our future,you didnt even do that little thing i asked you (talking about the book).that's the things she recently blamed me for,and got angry
she has quite a few problems,her relationship with her best friend of years got ended for no reason,she avoids her and doesnt tell her why,she's a very anxious person,and gets stressed by everything.
Anyway....she said she wants some time apart to figure things out,i immediatly asked her if she is talking to another guy,got angry and said ''no im not...i open my heart for you,talking about things that matter to me and all you care about is if someone steals your girl''
she asks for emotional support all the time,i try to give it to her,maybe im doing it the wrong way i dont know
im one of those guys,hugging you tell you its gonna be ok,and that im here for you,but she says i dont care about her problems and that im not affectionate enough,i talk little,i wont lie...but how do i show her that im there for her? Sigh
she asked for a break,said im lazy and not trust worthy,and that she needs to figure things out,she feels stressed physically and mentally and she was avoiding me for 2-3 days before saying that,she replied to my text with 1 or 2 words maximum.
how do i handle this situation?how do i become more affectionate?and show her that im there for her.
I currently stopped contacting her,i think im gonna wait for her to send me 1st
is that the right call?
We fought for things 4 weeks ago,didnt speak for 3 days,then she called me and everything was,im making progress on those things,at least i think so
im looking for a job,im practicing the car 2-3 times a week so we can go the dates she likes,as for the emotional support thingy,i dont know what im doing wrong or what to do
one detail i forgot to say
when she called me,and came to my place she told me a few of her problems,and said im so stressed i think im gonna suicide,and said that while crying
i didnt take it that seriously because she is quite moody and anxious i think it's because she was tired from the exams,but i think thats the main reason she wants a break from me,she called me selfish and told me that i care only when she is reaching the bottom
please help
note:you dont have to be polite,say what you think
She wants you to find a job (a reasonable request for an adult).
You make excuses and don't find one.
She'd like you to drive a car instead of take her on the train.
You dismiss the idea completely.
She wants to discuss a book with you.
You dismiss the idea too, don't care about it, and don't do it.
Whether you find these requests reasonable or not, she obviously does. Yet you dismiss every one offhand and just don't do any of the things that would satisfy her. No, you do not have to do everything she says, but your attitude seems like you just brush off everything she says (or fight about) and tell her its not a big deal. To her is it a big deal.
You just don't seem interested in making her happy in any way. What's the point of the relationship?
The last bit indicates she needs professional help. Probably would be hard to make her happy anyway. But, if you have another relationship someday, you have to actually care about what the other person wants and not brush off their concerns or interests.
more than half of the things are my fault
her problem is that her mood was affected from our miserable life,what i mean by miserable?
we didnt go on dates,we just stayed home watching movies/series,i mean..thats ok but not for long periods of times
i just need work those problems,i'll get the car more,drive her to romantic dates,to the beach,go on holidays
its things like that that matter to her,i seem to forget that...its my fault
i'll fix things,but i had to learn the hard way
more than half of the things are my fault
her problem is that her mood was affected from our miserable life,what i mean by miserable?
we didnt go on dates,we just stayed home watching movies/series,i mean..thats ok but not for long periods of times
i just need work those problems,i'll get the car more,drive her to romantic dates,to the beach,go on holidays
its things like that that matter to her,i seem to forget that...its my fault
i'll fix things,but i had to learn the hard way
thank you for your replies
I really liked Murk's advice to you. And I liked your response. Perhaps easier said than done.
I recall one relationship in my early 20's. I had the exact same problem with my bf - he was a good bf in retrospect (we talk now - we're in our late 50's). He is SO intelligent, considerate...way more so than men I've met in my later life. And at the time...he was boring. Life was too predictable. I need some romance, excitement. Alas her need for getting out on dates, some autonamy, more interests going on mutually (the book). She IS mature in that she is asking for what she needs. Its hard for a woman (I guess a guy too) to put energy into a relationship and feel ignored. And she's not mature enough to realize some of this is stuff she needs to create herself (don't tell her that).
You have to decide if you want her. You know what she needs now. MORE excitement, diversions, interesting stuff going on than YOU do...right? Really think if your up for this. Best you can. I honestly feel I can't remember that age well enough to access if there's enough life skills to know if you can decide this or not but decide the best you can. You will learn so much in the next decade, two decades about yourself, love, what works for YOU and what doesn't. Irregardless, as long as your in this relationship you need to give it your best. Part of that is self-honesty and sharing that.
Contrary to Murk (but I'm cursury reading tonight) - I gathered you WERE trying to do the things she requested. But he saw you weren't so I guess you weren't and are now saying you were not and are working on it. I'm not sure how much I believe exactly how "compatible" folks need to be in their 20's - unless your getting married...so much at this age is attaction and love. If all that is there and you are truly willing to try - even for your next relationship...go ahead and give it a go. It won't hurt you.
Relationships are a skill. That will never go away. Everything you learn and work on - if constructive - will - maybe serve you now, will for sure serve you in some way later on. So are you the kind of guy who likes to be proactive, investment oriented? If so, this relationship is for you! And maybe it will work.
So...your apparentely now actively working on the stuff she requested. I'll give you one other homework assignment she's asking for, which is asking for emotional responsiveness to her. Thats really hard if its not something your mom or dad shared in front of you so it will be a learning curve. But I'll tell you as an older woman who's had a lot of relationships....its a skill that will nail it for you when you meet the woman of your dreams.
HW assignment...buy (off Amazon or wherever) The 5 Love Languages. I think thats the name. I like this book because 1. you could both read it and it could be romantic and she would feel cared for, 2. it has sections that teaches you both how you individually experience love and you will also learn about yourself and perhaps get YOUR style of love met better, as well as hers, and 3. I suspect her "love style" is quality time. In the quality time you will learn how to show your lover in action, how to appreciate her. Setting up special dates with her in mind in advance - requires researching, introspection, planning ahead and then asking her out on a special date in advance. Sparks will fly! There is a special subsection of this that is so important. My bf read it but only read it once and it wasn't enough - read it 5X. Active listening.
Listening is such a huge skill. Active listening is an art. Not all, but in my experience most women want it and it will save you a world of heartache to just go ahead and learn how to do it. Because I'm a woman and have learned the hard way how to be proactive and skilled in my communication - but I've found it is difficult to deeply communicate with men as they just don't have this skill and since she's the same emotional type creature who craves that...then you need to learn active listening. Active listening is - literally - when she is sharing her experience, even if it seems dumb or wrong, or whatever....keep your mouth shut and listen deeply. It can be hard for some men, easy for others. Listen deeply no matter what your feeling, then if the time comes...come back and say things that don't express what you think, or solutions you may have (unless she asks specifically), but put yourself into her shoes and then from that place try to replay as if an actor what she is feeling. Reflect back to her what she is feeling. To make it more challenging, after you've expressed what you've experienced her feeling...ask then if you got it right. If she says no, don't be discouraged. Your communicating now. Deeply. Let her correct you and then do it again.
I haven't done this yet (I'm a woman with alot of life/communication skills so really needed my bf to do this)...google, and you tube: empathic listening, reflective listening, or even NVC skills (too wordy for some but effective if committed to it)...but try youtubing some of this stuff before trying it out with her.
I shouldn't apologize but do a bit as I'm just going through a breakup as largely my bf (soon to be ex-bf) does not have these skills. He is 66. He is a very kind, industrious, considerate man but has been unable to navigate verbally difficult situations. And when the times get tough an a hole. And I don't react very well to it myself. So...I am a classic feminine female who needs the quality time and active listening...at least to a degree...and I can tell you now. If you can learn this skill...quality time and active listening...if you work it like you do the car...seriously...(cause I can tell she needs the same), and practice it with her...you'll bumble of course...learning...tell her your doing it!! I suspect IF you do this it will definitely warm her heart in a big way.
If things do not work out for you two eventually for whatever reason, I absolutely guarantee you my advice will carry you in great stead for future relationships...not just in getting someone but in truly learning as the years go by, how to develope a truly meaningful, deep relationship. If thats what you want.
If you've made it this far, you've got it. If your willing to do the hw, your far ahead of your comrades. And a big salute to you.
we got back together
but 1 week later,same thing happened...i guess its over this time
i was working on those things but i guess she is out of patience,i was really making progress...
she asked for space,i tried to convince her again,even with actions but she says it doesnt matter anymore
she broke up with me 12 days ago,she was ignoring me
yesterday we talked,she came for drive with me (yep,first time i ever drove her somewhere was after we broke up)
we talked for 5 hours,we even had sex during that night, said she miss me a lot and that we dont push each other to grow and act like a 50 year old couple,her decision is final ...
before i drive her back home she told me ''leave it a few days with no contact'' ''i dont know if we ever get back together,i really dont know''
today i woke up,i was blocked on instagram
i guess i shouldnt text her anymore
You two don't seem like a good match. She's into reading & discussing books, you're not. It sounds like she would like slightly more formal dates, where you drive, instead of taking transit. You don't understand why that's important. You both aren't able to communicate effectively with each other.
If she wants a break, give her a break.You've been together almost 3 years, and you're in university? So, you two were in your teens, when you got together? It's not unusual for people to grow apart in the transition from the teens into adulthood. Plus, she has some kind of emotional/psychological problems she needs to work on. That's a bigger challenge than you're equipped to deal with.
we got back together
but 1 week later,same thing happened...i guess its over this time
i was working on those things but i guess she is out of patience,i was really making progress...
she asked for space,i tried to convince her again,even with actions but she says it doesnt matter anymore
she broke up with me 12 days ago,she was ignoring me
yesterday we talked,she came for drive with me (yep,first time i ever drove her somewhere was after we broke up)
we talked for 5 hours,we even had sex during that night, said she miss me a lot and that we dont push each other to grow and act like a 50 year old couple,her decision is final ...
before i drive her back home she told me ''leave it a few days with no contact'' ''i dont know if we ever get back together,i really dont know''
today i woke up,i was blocked on instagram
i guess i shouldnt text her anymore
she has borderline personality disorder and is constantly testing you by pushing you away. every time you come back to her she gets her fix but its never enough, so she does it again. it's pretty sick what she's doing to you. you seem like a good guy. for the record, if you finished the book, she would then be unhappy/unsatisfied with your "discussion" about it after, or something else.
just let her go.
her suicide thing is a big red flag and solidifies my thoughts about her. its personality disorders. you can't be her knight in shining armor the rest of your life.
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