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I guess its just hard for me to wrap my head around having "no contact" during this time. It really makes your thoughts go crazy. Hopefully things will work out.
I guess its just hard for me to wrap my head around having "no contact" during this time. It really makes your thoughts go crazy. Hopefully things will work out.
Why does it make your thoughts go crazy?
You are just completing steps in a process. If you want her to trust you, which is what this is about, then you have to be trustworthy.
She obviously has doubts about your commitment, so if you want it to work out, you just have to do everything you can to get rid of the obstacles that are causing her doubts.
Even then it may not work out, but at least you will have taken care of your business.
Been in a similar situation one time and I am going to be the one that gives you a different answer than everybody else. When you give her a buzz and let her know that you are divorced now and have the papers to prove it don't be surprised if she says that she is no longer interested or needs more time.
I am sure there are many who won't agree with me the, but I have seen this too many times. The old give me a call when your paperwork is final is just an easy way of getting out of a relationship will somebody. Hope I am wrong for your sake.
I have been separated from my ex wife for 5 years. We are both completely done with the marriage, just trying to come to an agreement over our children. The girl that I have been dating, I have known most of my life, and the ironic thing is, I actually caught her ex husband cheating with my ex wife. Anyway, we are both madly in love, soulmates in a sense. I truly believe she feels the same way about me as I feel about her, but a part of me thinks that she doesn't truly believe my feelings for her are as deep as hers. She hates the fact that my divorce isn't final yet, but proceeded with me anyway for the last 2 years, except the other day we had a small argument over how much longer it would take, and now she wants to take a break from me until I finalize everything and get it sorted out. Said that having no contact during this time would be better for her because of the way she feels about me, except I don't really know how to take it. She is a very faithful person, christian morals and values, and isn't the type to run out and find someone else. She doesn't know this, but my ex wife and I have since come to an agreement since our break. Papers are actually being drawn up as I type this. My question is, do I contact her once they are signed? How should I approach the situation? I really love and care deeply about her, and really see us spending the rest of our lives together. We had a brief past back in high school and I really believe that I should have pursued this woman back then. I just need some advice on how to handle this. When she asked for the break, I didn't lose my cool, have respected her decision and actually wrote her a long letter admitting that it wasn't fair to her with this hanging over our heads for her to have to deal with, plus admitted that I need to show her more that I want her in my life in the future. I talked to her the day after, which she was crying and was very happy that I sent the letter admitting all of the things that I admitted, but said that this had to be taken care of before we proceeded. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
1) She isn't your ex-wife until you're divorced. Stop calling her that. It matters.
2) Soulmate, schmoulmate.
3) She is a woman, not a girl. She has adulted, been married, and obtained a divorce like a woman does when her marriage is over.
4) Her ex-husband IS her ex-husband. You are separated from your wife... the marriage is not over; you have simply decided that parenting will be your only shared interest. It isn't even official.
5) Your marriage will be over once there is a divorce decree. Get that done. Five years is outrageous.
6) She has waited for you to show that you're a responsible, adult man for two years. You have not ended your marriage. People do what they intend to do. From your actions, you are showing her that you don't want a divorce. Your reasons for it don't matter. You aren't getting a divorce because you don't want a divorce badly enough to DO it.
7) It sounds like she's decided that she will have an adult relationship or none at all. Those are good, adult boundaries.
8) What do you mean, "What should I do?" Get.a.divorce. When it's final - and by final, she means there is a divorce decree, stamped with a seal and all, in your hands - get in touch with her. Gently and apologetically. Getting divorced is not doing her a FAVOR, it is only the appropriate, adult thing to do when your marriage is over.
9) If she doesn't want to re-enter a relationship with you after you've actually gotten divorced, remember: She doesn't owe you a relationship. Now or ever.
1) She isn't your ex-wife until you're divorced. Stop calling her that. It matters.
2) Soulmate, schmoulmate.
3) She is a woman, not a girl. She has adulted, been married, and obtained a divorce like a woman does when her marriage is over.
4) Her ex-husband IS her ex-husband. You are separated from your wife... the marriage is not over; you have simply decided that parenting will be your only shared interest. It isn't even official.
5) Your marriage will be over once there is a divorce decree. Get that done. Five years is outrageous.
6) She has waited for you to show that you're a responsible, adult man for two years. You have not ended your marriage. People do what they intend to do. From your actions, you are showing her that you don't want a divorce. Your reasons for it don't matter. You aren't getting a divorce because you don't want a divorce badly enough to DO it.
7) It sounds like she's decided that she will have an adult relationship or none at all. Those are good, adult boundaries.
8) What do you mean, "What should I do?" Get.a.divorce. When it's final - and by final, she means there is a divorce decree, stamped with a seal and all, in your hands - get in touch with her. Gently and apologetically. Getting divorced is not doing her a FAVOR, it is only the appropriate, adult thing to do when your marriage is over.
9) If she doesn't want to re-enter a relationship with you after you've actually gotten divorced, remember: She doesn't owe you a relationship. Now or ever.
Seconding what others have written here: respect your woman friend's decision and do not contact her until everything (all paperwork, etc) is finalized.
When you do contact her, the first words out of your mouth should be, "I haven't contacted you because I wanted to respect your request for no contact." That tells her you heard her and respect what she asked of you. It's important that she knows that of you, important that she hears the words from you.
Then you can let her know everything is finalized, you're officially divorced and can proceed with your relationship if that's what she wants. As Lieslmet wrote above, she doesn't owe you a relationship, so if she's still hesitant and wants to take things slow or needs some more time before resuming the relationship, you need to respect her choice.
Best of luck with everything and I hope things work out as you'd like them to. If not, though, I know it can be tough to handle, but I hope you have the strength to move on.
I have been separated from my ex wife for 5 years. We are both completely done with the marriage, just trying to come to an agreement over our children. The girl that I have been dating, I have known most of my life, and the ironic thing is, I actually caught her ex husband cheating with my ex wife. Anyway, we are both madly in love, soulmates in a sense. I truly believe she feels the same way about me as I feel about her, but a part of me thinks that she doesn't truly believe my feelings for her are as deep as hers. She hates the fact that my divorce isn't final yet, but proceeded with me anyway for the last 2 years, except the other day we had a small argument over how much longer it would take, and now she wants to take a break from me until I finalize everything and get it sorted out. Said that having no contact during this time would be better for her because of the way she feels about me, except I don't really know how to take it. She is a very faithful person, christian morals and values, and isn't the type to run out and find someone else. She doesn't know this, but my ex wife and I have since come to an agreement since our break. Papers are actually being drawn up as I type this. My question is, do I contact her once they are signed? How should I approach the situation? I really love and care deeply about her, and really see us spending the rest of our lives together. We had a brief past back in high school and I really believe that I should have pursued this woman back then. I just need some advice on how to handle this. When she asked for the break, I didn't lose my cool, have respected her decision and actually wrote her a long letter admitting that it wasn't fair to her with this hanging over our heads for her to have to deal with, plus admitted that I need to show her more that I want her in my life in the future. I talked to her the day after, which she was crying and was very happy that I sent the letter admitting all of the things that I admitted, but said that this had to be taken care of before we proceeded. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
All of us are strangers on the internet, bringing our own experiences and biases to this, so please take what I say or what anyone says in that context.
It's none of my business, so I'm not asking you to answer my questions, but rather to consider them. Do you have something to apologize for? Have you failed to do things that were within your control to do? Or, has this taken longer than it typically would for reasons that you think are legitimate? If it's been difficult for you to take some of the steps needed to make your divorce happen, that's actually OK. No one here can set that pace for you, and neither can your GF. She has every right to her feelings about your pace, though. However, her feelings don't trump yours or the reality that might have shaped that pace.
Which brings things back around to how you've handled this. Have you talked with her about how you've dealt with this as it was happening? Were you honest? Did you promise things you shouldn't have because they were outside your control, or did you make realistic promises and then break them? I think those are worth considering as you move forward, and should inform your tone. If you messed up, then apologize. If not, then don't.
Like everyone has said, respect her boundaries. Don't call her until this is settled. If you're not comfortable with how she handled this, then discuss that with her when you call. I'm not suggesting you should be uncomfortable, but I am encouraging you to express yourself if you are. I agree that she was entitled to express herself and to set her boundary, and you're entitled to do the same.
I get the sense you haven't done much boundary setting. Your tone here does seem like someone who's in trouble and who doesn't want to further pi$$ someone off. Sometimes that's the proper tone to take, but when it's not, it's a real blow to one's self respect. Don't give that away in an effort to get back in her good graces.
To readers, I know I'm reaching a bit here, but I'm reaching for balance. The general advice has been for the OP to be a good boy and keep his fingers crossed. Pretty much. And one person suggested he ask for his balls back, pretty please. Yeah, I know that's all toxic and ****, but the opposite of toxicity isn't supplication, it's decency.
I guess its just hard for me to wrap my head around having "no contact" during this time. It really makes your thoughts go crazy. Hopefully things will work out.
They'll work out once the papers are signed and your previous marriage is OVER.
She sounds very wise, I agree with her about the no contact .
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