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I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and I've known her for 6 years. We used to be friends then best friends and we started dating 2 years ago. We've had a great relationship, however, lately she's been driving me crazy.
We've been going through some issues lately before of our cultural differences. My family is Muslim but I'm not religious but I like to do Ramadan. Ramadan is when you fast(no food no water) for 30 days from 3 am to 8pm. She was having issues with that because she likes to go out drinking and having fun with her friends. I wasn't able to do because I was fasting and I didn't have much energy. I also work and go to school, so I use my weekends to get some rest and study. We barely saw each other during Ramadan because she said she didn't really want to be around me. I understood that because I would get grumpy sometimes because of the lack of food and water. Whenever she was celebrating her holidays, I was always there. She is not religious either but she likes to do things with her family. I went to thanksgiving with her family, I went to church with her on Easter and I also celebrate Christmas with her. I was a bit sad that she couldn't be there for me and support me. But Ramadan has ended and I wanted to move forward.
After Ramadan Ended, she said that she's been having doubts about our relationship. She said that she doesn't know what she wants anymore, she doesn't even know if she wants a future with me. Note that she has doubted our relationship before when we had a fight. So this is the second time that she is told me that she's been doubting our relationship. I was caught by surprise because she's told me several times that she wants a future with me and she even asked me to move in with her, which I said yes to. We had planned to go to Florida for her grandmas birthday and after what she told me, I just thought that it wasn't the best idea to go. She told that she still wanted me to come so I went, even though I was very very hurt.
A week after she told that she was having doubts, I brought up the conversation again because it was affecting me a lot. She told that she didn't expect to have the conversation again and that everything is going great with us now. Again I was very shocked because she went from having doubts to everything is fine. I told her that I would not be moving in with her anymore. I told her that I don't want to get hurt and I shouldn't move in if she doesn't know what she wants. She keeps telling me that I'm her best friend and that she loves me but she just doesn't know what she wants. I've been thinking of breaking up with her, but I love her and I want to make it work. So I'm reaching out to anyone that could give me some advice. Anything that I did wrong that I should work on or anything that I should improve on.
This past month has affected me a lot mentally and emotionally. I don't have family here in the U.S. All I have is her and my friends. And this has been an emotional roller coaster. I'm always worried that if I do something wrong, she will start doubting our relationship again and it has been taking toll on me. She also keeps talking to this guy who said he likes her. She said that she just wants to be friends with him. I was uncomfortable with it but I let it go. They text basically everyday. She also texts her ex from time to time and also texts guys that she's been on dates with before. I found out about all the texting when we were watching a video on her phone and a notification popped up. She was hiding it from and decided to tell me when I saw the notification. I never went through her phone and never will. Whenever my exes texted me, I would let her know and would ask her if she is uncomfortable with it. If she is, I stop talking to them. However, If i tell her that I'm uncomfortable, she feels like i'm trying to control her and that she should be allowed to talk to whoever she wants. This is a different issue but I'm just wondering if she talks to them because she doesn't know if she wants a future with me.
just some info about us: We are both adults over 25. I'm an international student in the U.S working and finishing up my masters. She is older than me so finished her masters 2 years ago and is currently working.
Last edited by leboss12345; 06-11-2019 at 12:45 PM..
First off you 1000% did the right thing by holding off on moving in with this lady. From what you have written of past incidents, I don't think this is the lady for you. If it were me I think she has shown enough of herself to you already to prove that. I would end it.
However If you feel you still love her to try to make it work, doing it without living together is the ONLY way to go forward if you choose. As you continue to date you will see more clearly what you truly do or do not have with her.
As to if you did something wrong, or should change something about yourself absolutely not. She loves you as you are. Or not. You have not stated any acts or thoughts that were out of line for a healthy relationship.
Again good job on stopping the talk about moving in. Make your choice to see about dumping her or dating her more while living on your own. Pick a path and go down it.
Good luck OP. You sound like a level headed guy. May it work out in a way that is best for you.
First off you 1000% did the right thing by holding off on moving in with this lady. From what you have written of past incidents, I don't think this is the lady for you. If it were me I think she has shown enough of herself to you already to prove that. I would end it.
However If you feel you still love her to try to make it work, doing it without living together is the ONLY way to go forward if you choose. As you continue to date you will see more clearly what you truly do or do not have with her.
As to if you did something wrong, or should change something about yourself absolutely not. She loves you as you are. Or not. You have not stated any acts or thoughts that were out of line for a healthy relationship.
Again good job on stopping the talk about moving in. Make your choice to see about dumping her or dating her more while living on your own. Pick a path and go down it.
Good luck OP. You sound like a level headed guy. May it work out in a way that is best for you.
Thank you for your response. You're right, it's up to me to decide whether I should keep going with this relationship and whether I would want to risk getting my heart broken
It appears that the relationship is over for your girlfriend. Don't allow yourself to be emotionally used because you love her. You deserve better. When you love someone, you want them to be happy with or without you.
Cultural and religious differences can cause stress for even the best of relationships, but this seems to go beyond that. She may love you but she is not behaving like a woman *in love*. If she were she would stop doing things that she knows hurts you, like talk to other guys that she knows are interested in her. Her actions show she is more interested in what they think of her than how you feel about her. That would bother me a lot. I think your relationship has run it's course.
If you like to do Ramadan then you ARE religious. I don't think religion is causing the problem. What was the first fight about?
Thank you for your response. Neither I or my family are religious. We like to do ramadan because its something that unite us as a family. It's like people who celebrate Christmas but are not religious. Just wanted to make that clear. I do it because its part of my culture and who I am as a person. Not meaning to sound rude, just explaining my position.
The first fight came out of nowhere. Since I am in school, my schedule is sometimes messy (midterms, Finals) but I am graduating in 3 weeks so I figured she could be patient. Anyways, The first fight was three months ago. She said that I don't plan enough dates with her and even when I do, I tell her about the plan when its too late. She commits to plans with her friends a week in advance or more sometimes. So when I tell her about a date idea I have it's usually too late. Because of that she told that she is doubting our relationship. Basically, she was freaking out about us. She was freaking out about the commitment. She said that she doesn't even know if she might want to date other people in the future. When we have fights, I think about things I could do to make the relationship better. On the other hand, she thinks about breaking up. After that fight, we made up and everything was fine. She also asked me to move in 2 weeks after that fight.
I don't know if age affects anything but I'm 26 and she is 30.
I'm sorry this is happening. It's a shame she's your main social link here.
I think she's considering her options, which means she actually is not committed to you. If you can, you should tell her that you've noticed that her heart seems to be pulled in other directions, and you want to let her go to pursue those options.
Sometimes it takes women months to get to a break-up point, but when they decide, they are done. It reads like she is laying the groundwork to move on from you.
I even feel stupid posting about this because while im trying to make it work, she is acting like nothing is going on and going out to parties and living her life. It’s time to end it. I appreciate everyone’s advice, its been really hard but your responses made it easier.
So I'm reaching out to anyone that could give me some advice. Anything that I did wrong that I should work on or anything that I should improve on.
You two should go back to being friends like you were before because the two of you aren't meant for each other for a mutually understanding and loving relationship.....You sound like you know what you want but she admits she doesn't know what she wants....and when you fasted she went out drinking...even after you went with her to all her families holidays....you come across to me much more mature than she is.
You say you love her and would like to have a future with her but she's simply not feeling the same... she might one day but the next day it is back to " I don't know what I want " Go back to being just friends with her or if that is no longer possible than end the bf/gf relationship because she is not the one for you.
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