Boyfriend just found out he has a baby from ex (girlfriend, how to)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My boyfriend and I have been together since January. He's 25 and i'm 22 we're both done with college and are working right now. We got to know each other in November and became official and exclusive in February. We got pregnant in April but decided we were not ready yet and had an abortion four weeks after and have been more careful since then.
He started behaving weird in May due to some difficulties he was going through which he expressed to me, he was coping and starting to get back to normal when suddenly, he shut down on me. He was not responding to anything, messages or calls early on. He kept telling me I wouldn't be able to understand.
We met three days ago and he looked sullen, kept telling me he wasn't okay, we just sat down and talked and eventually he regained his color back and was in some ways normal but he still refused to tell me what was wrong. He kept avoiding my eyes and was really emotional telling just holding my head and telling me how deeply he feels for me and he's missed me. It was really odd as he's not really the emotional type.
I just listened and held him because he looked like he was in a lot of pain. He told me he'd see me later that night but then he ghosted me for two days after that. He called me last night as I traveled for some work and wasn't in the city and told me he doesn't think we should be in a relationship anymore because he couldn't stand hurting me.
It took a bit of goading but he finally came clean. His girlfriend before me had hidden the fact that she was pregnant and just recently informed him that she had given birth to his child. At the moment, I don't know what to do. I haven't wrapped my head around it.
I'm not totally over my abortion and now this and i'm also worried about him because he seems like hes drowning and hasn't told anyone but me yet.
I'm deeply hurt by this but it's reality and i'm more focused on the next step to take. Does anyone have any advise or experience on how to handle this or what to do?
P.S we never broke up, I told him i'd think about everything and get back to him but I loved him and I always have his back.
I'm very sorry you had to go through the unplanned pregnancy and abortion. It is an absolute nightmare to endure, and for this mess with his ex to happen has to feel like a slap in the face in some ways.
I don't know your birth control history, and accidents happen and you say you've been more careful. Seriously. Be much more careful.
But for him?? One unplanned pregnancy is an accident. Twice is a decision. He is not making good decisions at all, and I would think twice about a future with him.
I'm very sorry you had to go through the unplanned pregnancy and abortion. It is an absolute nightmare to endure, and for this mess with his ex to happen has to feel like a slap in the face in some ways.
I don't know your birth control history, and accidents happen and you say you've been more careful. Seriously. Be much more careful.
But for him?? One unplanned pregnancy is an accident. Twice is a decision. He is not making good decisions at all, and I would think twice about a future with him.
I agree with this, plus he doesn’t seem to have any good coping skills or planning capabilities. He’s been in lala land for a couple of months now while you’re trying to support him after your abortion and he’s ghosting you off and on. What a mess he is.
But for him?? One unplanned pregnancy is an accident. Twice is a decision. He is not making good decisions at all, and I would think twice about a future with him.
Agree. He's not getting the message here at all and then freaking out and taking it out on others when things happen. Its all about what he wants...the fun but not to pay for it. Sounds like a child.
He's definitely been living life in a very carefree way. I don't think he ever expected such a thing to come but life happens as usual.
He's not making good decisions, I'm aware of this.
His depression does nothing to help the situation, yeah he needs to react but he also needs to start dealing and taking care of things and also take a DNA test.
I need to ask about his feelings for the woman and how he plans to take care of his life starting now. He also has to be completely honest with me.
These are things I'll talk to him about. If his answers are not satisfactory given that he's had a long time to think about it, we will part ways.
The kid is not the deal breaker but how he's dealing with it.
Your next step to take is let HIM figure out what he wants to do and what are his feelings about being a dad.
Is he going to marry his ex? Or is he going to just support her and their newborn.
He needs to make that decision and you should not pressure him or coach.
If he decides to stay with his ex (marry her or just live together) then you should back off and let him do whatever is right.
If he decides to stay with you and just support her and his son, then you need to make decision if you're OK with that arrangement.
Considering your recent abortion, I think staying with him and being constantly reminded that he has a child with another woman would be overwhelming for you.
I would just break up this relationship and let him deal with his life.
Obviously you both are immature and unaware of planned motherhood and pregnancy prevention.
If you want to have sex life, you first need to learn about things related to sex like STD, pregnancy and pregnancy prevention.
BTW: I wouldn't jump in conclusion about his coping skills and possible depression. I think it all took him by surprise and he is just trying to think about his next steps and his future life. He could be busy talking to his ex and learning details of the pregnancy. Naturally, he might feel closer to his ex now than to his GF, therefore some ghosting occured.
All he needs now is some quiet time to sort his life and make some (hopefully right) decisions.
It's hard to him as is to his GF, but if he decides to stick with his ex and his child - that's a respectful and ethical decision many men are lacking.
OP should give him as much time he needs, and stop worrying about ghosting and such. He has a much bigger problem to deal with than her.
My gut is saying that all the "emotional" behavior he displayed when he told OP about the newborn was an authentic regret and sorry AND an attempt to gently break this relationship up. I think, he probably knew about the situation since May, and is just unsure how to handle the break-up with his current GF. I also think he already made up his mind about this relationship.
Your next step to take is let HIM figure out what he wants to do and what are his feelings about being a dad.
Is he going to marry his ex? Or is he going to just support her and her newborn.
He needs to make that decision and you should not pressure him or coach.
If he decides to stay with his ex (marry her or just live together) then you should back off and let him do whatever is right.
If he decides to stay with you and just support her and his son, then you need to make decision if you're OK with that arrangement.
Considering your recent abortion, I think staying with him and being constantly reminded that he has a child with another woman would be overwhelming for you.
I would just break up this relationship and let him deal with his life.
Obviously you both are immature and unaware of planned motherhood and pregnancy prevention.
If you want to have sex life, you first need to learn about things related to sex like STD, pregnancy and pregnancy prevention.
BTW: I wouldn't jump in conclusion about his coping skills and possible depression. I think it all took him by surprise and he is just trying to think about his next steps and his future life. He could be busy talking to his ex and learning details of the pregnancy. Naturally, he might feel closer to his ex now than to his GF, therefore some ghosting occured.
All he needs now is some quiet time to sort his life and make some (hopefully right) decisions.
It's hard to him as is to his GF, but if he decides to stick with his ex and his child - that's a respectful and ethical decision many men are lacking.
OP should give him as much time he needs, and stop worrying about ghosting and such. He has a much bigger problem to deal with than her.
I agree with you. I cannot help him make his decision and if he does decide to stick with her I will bow out.
We are both young but not uninformed about planned motherhood and pregnancy prevention etc. I was on the pill and we do track my cycle also as I never wanted to be a mother so early in life.
His girlfriend before me had hidden the fact that she was pregnant and just recently informed him that she had given birth to his child.
This is the reason why I said "RUN" before. You said that he started acting weird and distancing himself back in May, so I'm guessing that's when the baby was born and when he found out (or possibly when he realized that he couldn't deny it anymore). If it were me at 22, as much as I may want this guy, the sheer messiness of it all and the fact that you will have to trust and believe whatever he says about his feelings in such a complicated situation would make me too nervous to bank on him. I'd go for someone cleaner.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
My gut is saying that all the "emotional" behavior he displayed when he told OP about the newborn was an authentic regret and sorry AND an attempt to gently break this relationship up. I think, he probably knew about the situation since May, and is just unsure how to handle the break-up with his current GF. I also think he already made up his mind about this relationship.
Yes, my gut is telling me the same....that it's the OP that he really wants in his heart, but he also knows that the right thing to do is to be there for and support his baby, and that is what he is going to do, but he is sad that he will lose the OP. He's probably not also ready to be a dad with all the responsibility and growing up that entails and is sad about that. Some young men think their life is over once they find out that they are having a baby. lol They are just scared and afraid of the unknown and used to thinking of life in carefree childlike ways vs. responsible adult ways. Life is not over with a child, it's just taking a different path. At 22, I don't think the OP should take this on at such a young age, especially for another man and woman's mistake. It'd be different if it was her own pregnancy.
He's definitely been living life in a very carefree way. I don't think he ever expected such a thing to come but life happens as usual.
He's not making good decisions, I'm aware of this.
His depression does nothing to help the situation, yeah he needs to react but he also needs to start dealing and taking care of things and also take a DNA test.
I need to ask about his feelings for the woman and how he plans to take care of his life starting now. He also has to be completely honest with me.
These are things I'll talk to him about. If his answers are not satisfactory given that he's had a long time to think about it, we will part ways.
The kid is not the deal breaker but how he's dealing with it.
This is not just about how he is handling things, but how you are handling things.
The signs clearly point to this not being the kind of guy you need to hitch your wagon to.
Whether the two of you have an intimate relationship or not, once he found out that he was pregnant with another woman, he should have told you within a couple of days. He owed that to you.
And until you two get this straight, you need to cease physical intimacy because sex now becomes misleading for both of you. He is caught up in a big mess and he needs to deal with it. Yep, whether he likes it or not, he now has to grow up. Your involvement now is emotional. His mess does not become your problem until you formally accept it. That will have an uphill impact for your future. For the rest of your life and that of your offspring. You need to realize that.
Ponder this, if you let him break up with you to end the relationship (assuming you recognize the situation for what it is), you will have to cope with life happening to you instead of you being the captain of your ship.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
...run, Joey, run...
