Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Honestly, your relationship with him is supposed to make you happy not drag you down. The relationship isn't everything though. If you are an individual. Do your own thing. Have hobbies and interests then the problem isn't you. It's the actual relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fisher33
So basically I'm just screwed up inside. I don't know what will make me happy inside then, if you don't think any of the things will make me happy that I think will make me happy. I need to read my Bible everyday, pray, and go to church more, so maybe that's my problem inside. I don't know what will make me feel fulfilled inside. I honestly thought it was a husband, dog, and house and then doing some mission work.
It is a hard time right now - with me having no job and being in an empty house without Lucy here. And I'm dreading the move - really, really dreading it. But I haven't liked it here where we live either. I've always wanted to get back home; ever since I left pretty much to come here. I do like working, but I'm a workaholic and never could leave it alone hardly and then it drove me crazy. My dad says this is the (my last name here) in me; saying this is just the jinx of my genes. My mom puts up with a lot from him b/c of the way he is. I don't know. This is me frustrated.
I need to read my Bible everyday, pray, and go to church more, so maybe that's my problem inside. I don't know what will make me feel fulfilled inside. I honestly thought it was a husband, dog, and house and then doing some mission work.
Is reading the bible, going to church, and doing the mission work all things you have found for yourself, or are those things that you were brought up to believe would make you happy if you lead a righteous life? If those are things you have found for yourself, that's one thing. But it almost sounds like you're trying to live a "good life" and to be a "good wife" by rote... in which case all those good things you listed may be nothing more than props in an elaborate facade. Again, you need to be true to yourself and find what makes you happy. There are people who do all the things you have listed and they certainly do find happiness and fulfillment in doing them. But I just have a feeling you're doing the "life by rote" game and haven't really found what works for you from experience.
And the business about being a workaholic isn't good, either. A workaholic is one who works compulsively, right? Well, compulsions allow us to take the focus off of our own misery and cover it up somehow. In the case of a workaholic, this can be problematical because society tends to admire hard workers, so it's easy for a workaholic to they're doing a good thing by working to the exclusion of other things in their life. But, in fact, the work is also just another prop in an elaborate facade that also serves the purpose of allowing the compulsive worker to forget about their real problems because they're so focused on their work all the time. Take away the work and they're left with their miserable selves. It's one thing to be a super performer under pressure... one who can suck it up put out a good effort when the heat is on... it's quite another if one just works, works, works because that work fills a void in their life. If this describes you, then yes, I'd say you have some discovery to do.
Honestly, your relationship with him is supposed to make you happy not drag you down.
I disagree. I think happiness is a prerequisite to a healthy relationship, not a result of it. That is, the relationship provides a framework within which to happy people can share their happiness and contribute something to each other. And if it takes a relationship to be happy... that's a problem, imo. And, from what she's described, it may not be the relationship that's dragging her down... she could be "down" going into the relationship.
Location: Nothing could be finer... I'm in S. Carolina!!
1,294 posts, read 6,486,939 times
Reputation: 421
maybe i didn't have enough time to myself before getting married. it was really only a year. but i was crazy in love - not lust either, real love and i was soooo happy. and i was happy w/ me; i thought. but that's before where we live now and the crappy job and moving and our dog dying. these things do make you unhappy even if before you were happy.
I've been in a somewhat similar situation more than once, so maybe I can help.
Here is what I have learned:
If your relationship is like this now, imagine how it will be 5 years from now - material things and jobs won't change your relationship. If you find yourself in a rut now, you've got to learn how to change things up, if your husband will be open to doing different things.
Men don't always want the pressure of planning dates, etc., so I would suggest that *you* may want to try coming up with ideas that will bring some living into your life and some romance back into your relationship. Research what events are going on, a new restaurant to try - and plan the event. He will be relieved and probably flattered.
People show love in different ways. I know you are missing the 'swept off your feet' feeling. Not always cool, because you are now thinking..."oh, great, I got married for this??? Is this all there is???" So maybe you can look beyond the obvious romantic gestures and begin to notice the ways your man does show his love. Not that he still can't try harder, but it's best to thank him for what he is doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong. Maybe his way of loving you is being a stable and reliable partner. Maybe he always gets you your favorite ice cream when he goes to the grocery store, or something like that. The important thing is to say "Thanks, hon, for doing that" and really mean it.
I hate to say it, but I do think women don't say thanks enough to their man, and kinda take it for granted that he will do all the planning and you may not realize the pressure that creates for him. It's even worse when he already knows you are unhappy (which I'm sure he does) because the humiliation of failing is far worse than doing nothing.
I could add more, but I'll close with saying Johnnycakes is correct about you doing the inner work, too. Find any way you can to keep yourself busy and entertained and focus on something other than the relationship and I know that will help. You will be invigorated and your husband will miss you when you are not around as much - it's a win-win.
As for the sex, how do each of you view sex? As procreational or recreational? If it is an issue, bring it up without pressure and without drama. Are the two of you at least huggy/cuddly? There has to be some affection, right? Decide what you are both happy with and go from there.
Honestly, chica, as a woman, you are the one who decides the sex issue, so if you want it, you are going to have to take charge. Get comfortable with your body so that your husband can too!
That's my take. I hope it works out for you! Best of luck.
Location: Nothing could be finer... I'm in S. Carolina!!
1,294 posts, read 6,486,939 times
Reputation: 421
Thank you highlands - you may be right since it's been rough lately.
Freespirit - you're right too. We do need to fix things before they get any worse. However, this letting him off the hook thing is not going to work anymore. He never has to plan a date, I'm so easy on him. My birthday was Tuesday and he didn't even get me a card or plan dinner. He just asked me where I wanted to go and we went there w/ no reservations and almost didn't get a table. He did take me to a concert the week prior, but only b/c I said I wanted to go and I helped him find the tickets. We try new restaurants, we go out to eat all the time. We go to events around town too. He doesn't get flattered. As far as bringing romance back - I don't want to be romantic anymore. I don't really like him now, so why do I have to make myself be romantic?
His idea of showing love is like his dads. His mom and dad don't even sleep in the same bed anymore and they never talk. She lives for her kids and her friends and they basically don't interact much - and she shops a lot. There aren't even obvious romantic gestures. If we kiss, it's to say goodbye and hello and a lot of times we don't even do that.
I should say thank you more, but honestly - I don't know what to say thank you for. Thank you for looking at sports all day on the computer? Thank you for dragging me half way across the country?
He does do laundry and clean up and I say thank you for that. Last time he went to the grocery store (last week), he did get me a cake for my birthday but only on a whim and he got some icecream. I said thank you and was very sweet to him. I'm definitely sweet when he does sweet things.
All this wouldn't bother me if it weren't so much different before we dated. We actually liked each other and two weeks after the honeymoon - it all started going like this. We have a really open relationship; honestly, and he is completely himself around me and vice versa. I think that's part of the problem. We're just too comfortable around each other. We are really just like friends and if we're not being friendly, we're fighting.
I definitely do need to do some things to keep myself busy.
Sex used to be fun; but now it's just an inconvenience. It's the same thing everytime with just the deed and nothing before except a little kissing. We talk about it openly, no big deal, but it doesn't change anything. There's little affection; honestly. I talked about the kissing above, and there's little hugging too and pretty much no cuddling. I would want sex if I liked him and if it were fun, but now it's a non issue.
Thank you for your thoughtful answer Freespirit, so kind!
Whether you're into it or not, it can be fun and exciting to try something new to get the sparks flying again. Sex can be routine but it doesn't have to be. Don't wait for him to try something new. Do what Johnycakes says and put on some lingerie if you're not comfortable naked. Talk a little naughty to him and if that doesn't work, it's time to move on. A marriage can do without sex sometimes (but shouldn't) but the affection/intimacy should always be there. If not, you may as well be roommates.
It sounds like you're waiting for him to change and be the prince that comes along on a white horse, takes you away and live happily ever after. That's only in the fairy tales. In real life, marriage is like a job, and should be a happy one but you've got to work at it.
Don't expect him to make all the moves.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I agree with Johnnycakes
