Confused and confused (dating, long-term, women, love)

[BaddieBoo]

So there's this guy i met online. He is 28, a young engineer from France who moved to Singapore to work. I just moved here from Canada as well. The first time we met, we had a nice time but we didn't get intimate, not even a kiss. The second time, I reached out to him to meet. We met at a bar and he ended up in my house and left the next day. We didn't have intercourse but we made out a lot. The third meeting I reached again first. He came over and we had a really good time chilling at the pool and what not. No intercourse but good times.

I don't wanna have sex with him unless he expresses that he actually loves me. I know that is weird but i know that as soon as i have sex with someone, I WILL fall in love with them. This is so confusing and annoying because I know if a man has interest in you, at least he will follow up but this guy just doesn't. Whenever we hang out, he mention things like "next time we hang out". Anyways the last meet up was after 3 months of lock down due to corona. I reached out asking if he wanted to hang and he invited me over. I bought a bottle of wine and we had a nice time. The most romantic thing he did was to kiss my scar after i told him i fell while running. He kissed my damnnn booo boo I mean, if that's not fckin special then i don't know what is cus i don't just randomly kiss people's booboos. LOOOL

Anyways still no intercourse. The next morning he asks me why i dont wanna have sex and i told him a was scared. I remember vaguely telling him that I don't wanna have sex because I'll get feelings and he said is that so bad? BUT BISHHH i don't wanna get feelings for someone who doesn't even freaking text me. It's like if i disappeared now, it would not make a difference to him although he says things like oh i thought about you when i saw this. THEN WTF didn't you text if you thought about me? Anyhow, the last hang out he seemed a little annoyed that I wasn't giving him sex but he wasn't being rude to me. He let me sleep over and the next day I stayed at his place till noon, we went out and got food and he got me kiwi juice for my hangover. So sweeeettt omg i kinda liked him more after. Like wow you buy me kiwi juice although i didn't give u what u wanted? ILU looool.

Anyways, I am not sure what to do with this boy. He hasn't texted me since and it'll be two weeks this sunday since our last hang out. I really like him but also i feel like language is a bit of a barrier and sex is important to him because he is french or just a man? LOL. Also a lot of young professionals who move to Singapore only stay here for like 2-3 years before they dip. He told me he has no long term plans staying here as well. He also mentioned that his longest relationship was only about a year? which is a giant red flag to me when you're 28. He also said that his ex gf shaved her head after she broke up with him OMGG LOL. He did seem somewhat emotionally distant and i can't help thinking she did it because of him. He told me this the third time we hung out and i had a feeling if i had sex with him, I'm gonna shave my hair off to.

I have been in 2 long relationships for over 5 years and i cannot do casual dating. A man must commit to me before i take it to the next step but this is getting harder and harder. I feel like a loser because my brain knows better but my heart is stuck on the boo boo kissing

I already know people are gonna tell me to move on to the next but I'm curious to hear if anyone has experienced anything similar or have some wise words for me. Thanks~

[elnina]

To me it sounds like - yes, he wants sex but he doesn't want to say: I love you. Not yet, and maybe not ever.
He isn't even interested in dating, and seems to be now a bit annoyed about "wasting time and no sex".
I mean, don't you see it?

[BaddieBoo]

Originally Posted by elnina

To me it sounds like - yes, he wants sex but he doesn't want to say: I love you. Not yet, and maybe not ever.
He isn't even interested in dating, and seems to be now a bit annoyed about "wasting time and no sex".
I mean, don't you see it?

Yeah I see it and I hate that I can't do anything about it because my heart is doooomb

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by BaddieBoo

Yeah I see it and I hate that I can't do anything about it because my heart is doooomb

Well you’re right about that.

Stop initiating with him. It doesn’t sound like he’s that into you.

[bebe182]

Forget this guy, he’s not interested in a relationship, and I don’t think he’ll be telling you he loves anytime soon. If he can go two weeks without so much as a text he doesn’t love you and he certainly isn’t really into you. You’re convenient for him when your name pops up on his phone with a text from you.

[zentropa]

Wait, so you are spending the night together and presumably exchanging bodily fluids as you implied...but "intercourse" is off the table because he hasn't said he loves you?

I can't even express how weird that is to me. Sexual intimacy is sexual intimacy. Not currency.

[wasel]

Originally Posted by BaddieBoo

Like wow you buy me kiwi juice although i didn't give u what u wanted? ILU looool.


I have been in 2 long relationships for over 5 years and i cannot do casual dating. A man must commit to me before i take it to the next step but this is getting harder and harder. I feel like a loser because my brain knows better but my heart is stuck on the boo boo kissing

I find it incredibly sad that you set such a low bar for yourself. Is this what young women are taught to think nowadays? You're not a loser, you have certain standards and that's more than perfectly fine. And to be so impressed that he bought you kiwi juice?

[bebe182]

Originally Posted by wasel

I find it incredibly sad that you set such a low bar for yourself. Is this what young women are taught to think nowadays? You're not a loser, you have certain standards and that's more than perfectly fine. And to be so impressed that he bought you kiwi juice?

Agreed this amazes me as well! What he did was not in the least impressive.

I have a feeling the OP hasn’t dated much, sounds like she just had a few long term relationships and doesn’t really know what to expect in the dating world.

[BaddieBoo]

Originally Posted by BirdieBelle

Well you’re right about that.

Stop initiating with him. It doesn’t sound like he’s that into you.

Yeah, I was thinking that too. I should do this at least for myself because he is making me feel ****ty and I can't stop thinking about him. I am just gonna keep myself distracted.

Originally Posted by bebe182

Forget this guy, he’s not interested in a relationship, and I don’t think he’ll be telling you he loves anytime soon. If he can go two weeks without so much as a text he doesn’t love you and he certainly isn’t really into you. You’re convenient for him when your name pops up on his phone with a text from you.

Yeah, I think the convenience thing is a big factor and also the possibility that he might get sex is what gets him to hang out with me again. Ugh i hate him

Originally Posted by zentropa

Wait, so you are spending the night together and presumably exchanging bodily fluids as you implied...but "intercourse" is off the table because he hasn't said he loves you?

I can't even express how weird that is to me. Sexual intimacy is sexual intimacy. Not currency.

That's not how it work for me. Sex is totally taking it to the next level imo. I mean there's a giant difference between kissing and fcking common now? You can't tell me it's all the same.

Originally Posted by wasel

I find it incredibly sad that you set such a low bar for yourself. Is this what young women are taught to think nowadays? You're not a loser, you have certain standards and that's more than perfectly fine. And to be so impressed that he bought you kiwi juice?

Thank you and I don't know i guess it's been a while since i've had someone be nice to me like that. Guys are such dicks these days.

Originally Posted by bebe182

Agreed this amazes me as well! What he did was not in the least impressive.

I have a feeling the OP hasn’t dated much, sounds like she just had a few long term relationships and doesn’t really know what to expect in the dating world.

Yeah, I'm really new to dating and because I've been in back to back relationships for over 10 years now. I'm newly single trying to figure stuff out. It's been a slow process.

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Thank you for being honest with me. I feel like i needed to hear these things from others to help me realize I'm being a dummy.

[Ruth4Truth]

OP, the longer you see him without having sex, the more he can use that as an excuse for not initiating, and not texting. When in fact, your beef from the start has been that he's really passive in that regard, and for some odd reason, you've had to make all the effort, which naturally has caused you to feel he's not that into you, which in turn causes you to not feel motivated to have sex and all that implies for you.

So, stop issuing invitations. And if he asks why you're not communicating with him as much, or not inviting him to hang out, you can state honestly, that you're looking for an LTR, not a fling, and since his local assignment isn't a long-term one, you're not willing to put all your feelings on the line and get attached to someone, who's going to leave in a couple of years. It would be too heart-wrenching for you. That's fair enough. Perfectly reasonable, in fact. Some people don't have sex for sport, they have it for love. Nothing wrong with that.

You two have completely different goals in dating; you're looking for something that hopefully would turn into a committed relationship long-term, while he's approaching dating as being for sex, nothing more, nothing less. You two aren't compatible. You may as well face it, instead of dragging it out excruciatingly for both of you, with neither of you getting what you want. He's not going to morph into the type of person you want, even though in other ways, he seems like a sweet guy.