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I would put some serious thought into this because even though divorce is not an option now, he may resent the fact that he can not have a child with you. Look at Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. She wouldn't have his baby. Angelina Jolie said heck, I'll have his baby, now look where he is.
This isn't about keeping him shackled to me, lest some other woman get him first. If my husband said to me that I had to have "his baby" or else, I'd open the door wide open and kick his behind through it. This is about making the right decision for a marriage we're both already committed to staying in.
I'm not trying to be a diva, but it's very frustrating for me because all I'm hearing (not just in this thread but from others who have posted about similar problems) is divorce, divorce, divorce. This is not a deal breaker for us. We have discussed this at length. He is not going to leave me to have a baby. He only wants a child if it's a child with me. I'm not going to leave him, either.
It sounds like you have already discussed it. Being that you already said "he isn't going to leave me over not having a child". I think that sentence says a lot. I think you already have your answer. Sounds like you have a great deal of respect for each other and that's great, so don't worry about it. If it's meant to happen then it will be. (no, I don't mean by divine intervention either, LOL) Im just saying, you are still young enough as is he, if he starts all of a sudden obsessing over it then maybe it's time to revisit the idea.
I'm glad for you that you are not one of these women that has kids just because she can. I have kids and to be honest, their father and I divorced, I was a single parent and life was tough. I'm not a very maternal person but loved my kids and didn't want to change it. If I had waited to have kids instead of having them young, then things might be different but that's the path I chose for myself - I wanted kids. You don't and you will not miss out if you never have kids. Having them is fun, but very difficult and very expensive and your life is basically on hold until they are grown enough to do for themselves. Kudos to you for being real!
I'm not trying to be a diva, but it's very frustrating for me because all I'm hearing (not just in this thread but from others who have posted about similar problems) is divorce, divorce, divorce. This is not a deal breaker for us. We have discussed this at length. He is not going to leave me to have a baby. He only wants a child if it's a child with me. I'm not going to leave him, either.[/quote]
I'm in my late 20s, and my husband is in his 30s. We have been married for 4 years, together for 7. All around, we have a pretty good life. We have trouble keeping the house clean, and we don't get our requisite 30 mins a day of exercise, but otherwise, it's pretty good. My husband would like a child, and I would rather remain childless. I'm not really mother material. And I know a lot of women aren't googooey over kids, but want their own and then turn into wonderful mothers. But part of my issue is that I don't want my own. Not because I'm partying it up or want to travel the world, because, no thanks, don't want my TiVo to back up and all-- I just have a complete absence of the biological drive to reproduce.
I have considered having a child for my husband. I'm not sure I'll go through with it. But I'm considering it. We're not interested in divorce. It's harder for me to imagine him going through the next 50+ years without children than it is for me to imagine myself having a child. That's why I'm considering it. I don't want to deprive him, you know what I mean? But, on the other hand, the thought of having a child makes me all panicky and somewhat depressed.
How bad of an idea is this? Is it something you would consider?
girl, do not have a child if you know in your heart that you do not really want one. You are not a bad person for feeling the way you do. Your individual desires are your own..yeah, obviously you&your hubby should have discussed this more in depth before you two became one twain..but enough beating yourself up over it. I believe it is wiser to remain as you truely are..rather than to create a life that may not reach it's fullest potential because chldren deserve and desire to be top priority. The responsibility of 24/7 caregiver will rest on YOU. that lasts for 5 years, until your child reaches school age.
sound scary?if so, don't second guess your original thought, which was "no, not for me". I have 2 children, and had always wanted to be a mother, and i knew this from a young age. My best friend from youth had always stated that she had no desire to be a mother. Now, 15 years later, she is still my best friend, successful, happy, w/out children..but a tremendous auntie! you are not "robbing" your hubby. He married YOU...not what you "could be"..just you as you were. Obviously, you gave him enough to be in love with! You are only in your late 20's. You have a whole other decade ahead to reconsider! Don't rush yourself. If it happens, then you'll deal with it appropriately! Be open with him..love is a great deal about respect...so if you're giving it, you should get it in return. Not every woman has to reproduce in order to be a complete person! And every child brought into this world must be given full attention!-(in order to be successful). Bottom line i think is.. life is meant to be enjoyed. Whatever that means to you...do it. There are plenty of older youth that need fostering or adoption. There are plenty of little leauge teams that need a coach, there are neighborhood children, and mentoring programs, and neices&nephews, cousins ect. that need nice people who truely desire to guide and share their wisdom. You are not denying your husband a chance to leave his mark upon youth. Just relax.....enjoy each other and maybe reconsider in 5 years..or don't. Either way..love him and don't be so hard on yourself. Obviously, you are a good-hearted girl so may goodness&grace follow you both!!!!!
peace from Neighbor
This isn't about keeping him shackled to me, lest some other woman get him first. If my husband said to me that I had to have "his baby" or else, I'd open the door wide open and kick his behind through it. This is about making the right decision for a marriage we're both already committed to staying in.
I'm not trying to be a diva, but it's very frustrating for me because all I'm hearing (not just in this thread but from others who have posted about similar problems) is divorce, divorce, divorce. This is not a deal breaker for us. We have discussed this at length. He is not going to leave me to have a baby. He only wants a child if it's a child with me. I'm not going to leave him, either.
Divorce from which direction? Having kids cause divorce or not having them cause divorce?
I was in the not wanting children camp - I was a child who helped to raise siblings - and felt like I had done all of that already. In my late 20's things changed. But I know many women who just didn't feel like they were mother material and decided not to have kids. That's great. No need for everyone to have kids. But if I didn't have children I'd be out traveling & doing even more of the things that I love. Not that we can't do some of what we want to do but children make it harder to do what we want to do. There are a couple of friends who don't have children & who are happy with that but who feel like they've never been able to do what they want to do in life.
This isn't about keeping him shackled to me, lest some other woman get him first. If my husband said to me that I had to have "his baby" or else, I'd open the door wide open and kick his behind through it. This is about making the right decision for a marriage we're both already committed to staying in.
I'm not trying to be a diva, but it's very frustrating for me because all I'm hearing (not just in this thread but from others who have posted about similar problems) is divorce, divorce, divorce. This is not a deal breaker for us. We have discussed this at length. He is not going to leave me to have a baby. He only wants a child if it's a child with me. I'm not going to leave him, either.
What divorce?! No, that is not the solution, just hang in there, maybe you'll change your mind and maybe you wont. But, I also felt that way, and then, BOOM! We had a baby on it's way, wanting or not, she came and oh, my!!! couldn't be happier now. You will stay together no matter what and thats what counts. What if you do decide to have a baby because it'll make him happy and then discover it's making you unhappy? Wait and see how you feel down the road (I had mine at 31)
I'm in my late 20s, and my husband is in his 30s. We have been married for 4 years, together for 7. All around, we have a pretty good life. We have trouble keeping the house clean, and we don't get our requisite 30 mins a day of exercise, but otherwise, it's pretty good. My husband would like a child, and I would rather remain childless. I'm not really mother material. And I know a lot of women aren't googooey over kids, but want their own and then turn into wonderful mothers. But part of my issue is that I don't want my own. Not because I'm partying it up or want to travel the world, because, no thanks, don't want my TiVo to back up and all-- I just have a complete absence of the biological drive to reproduce.
I have considered having a child for my husband. I'm not sure I'll go through with it. But I'm considering it. We're not interested in divorce. It's harder for me to imagine him going through the next 50+ years without children than it is for me to imagine myself having a child. That's why I'm considering it. I don't want to deprive him, you know what I mean? But, on the other hand, the thought of having a child makes me all panicky and somewhat depressed.
How bad of an idea is this? Is it something you would consider?
REPLY: I really want to know if you guys talked about having kids during the dating stage ? My advice is NOT to have kids if you are not wanting them because they are a tremendous challenge nowadays and you need to REALLY want to be a mother. Please do not have them cause your husband wants one. Im dying to know if you talked about this serious subject before marrying ??
Don't do it to make him happy, the novelty will wear off with some people sadly I seen this. Having kids is a mutual decision that takes more then just 18 years of care, now kids are staying home longer into their 20's and beyond. Being a parent has joys and heartaches, it's not for everyone.
IF you want to do it, it has to be mutual otherwise you will be living by the beat of someone else's drum.
this is very sage, sound, wise advice and input. Sounds to me like a recipe for resentment, disaster, damage to self or the relationship or both to make such a major decision as a way of "pleasing" someone else, versus an enthusiasm and genuine desire on your own part
Generally having a child to please someone else or to save a relationship is not advised as it leads to more and bigger problems down the road. Some things as a couple there is no "middle ground" or compromise, and having a baby is one of them. Both parents need to be on board with the decision because both are so deeply impacted and affected for the next 20-30-40 years, for the rest of your life!
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hi sweetie
