Should I shoot my shot or am I reading into things too much? (dating, wife)

[ConfusedUFO]

I’m (42/m) divorced my ex-wife two and a half years ago after 15 years of marriage. About two years ago I started a new job and met my coworker (29/F), we’ll call her Stacy (not her real name). I’m shy at first, but I felt almost an immediate connection but it took me a few months to come out of my shell, so to speak. We’re both nurses and ended up spending most of our down time chatting with each other. We both have a love of memes and would show each other funny memes on our phones at work. A few months ago, I DM’d her and sent her some memes and things took off from there. We now chat almost every day, if it’s not a long conversation then it’s just to send each other a meme or two. Even when we’re on vacation or out of town, we still take a minute or two to say “hi, how’s it going?”

Since DM’ing her, we’ve become really close. We call each other our work-spouse. People at work call us work-spouses. If one of us isn’t at work, we’re asked where the other one is. We’ve hung out a few times outside of work, but never just her and I. Sometimes she seems into me, other times she doesn’t. These are examples of what leads me to believe she is into me:

1. A couple of months ago, a co-worker had a party at their house, but she wasn’t sure if she was going. She messaged me, teasing that I needed to convince her to go – it didn’t take much convincing. She had a family dinner planned for the same evening but since I was going to said coworker’s house early, she said she’d meet me there.

2. She asks me for massages. This isn’t a big deal because she gets them from other coworkers as well. The difference is that she will return the favor with me. The other day I worked a double shift (16 hours) and she saw I was struggling and came up to me and started massaging me.

3. We were messaging one night and started talking about how she never went to her prom. When I said I hadn’t been to mine she said that I should plan a pretend prom for us.

4. She’s confessed to having a dream about me in which we were in a tropical location and my (non-existent girlfriend) was not happy about her being there.

5. We’ll be chatting and she’ll joke about something and I’ll say “when was this decided?” And she’ll respond with “when we married each other” (see above regarding being work spouses).

6. She’ll send me memes about things friends do, or whatever and say “that’s us.” Or I she sends me something that pertains to me and I say “oh yeah, totally me,” she’ll say “see, I knew it.” She’ll also send memes about people having special connections and say “see that’s us.”

7. She’s picked up a couple of shifts when I work and she doesn’t because she wanted to see me. She also asks me to walk her to her car (she’s off a few hours earlier than I am and we work nights). She’ll ask me at the beginning of the shift if I’m going to walk her to her car and then asks again during the shift, sort of to reassure her.

8. Finds other reasons to touch me. Like we’ll be sitting talking and she’ll start to play with my arm hair and when I tease her saying “you just want an excuse to touch me,” she’ll respond with “I don’t need an excuse.”

9. She gets jealous about one of our coworkers who I’m friends with. At first she said “I hope you know I’m joking,” but now whenever this other coworker comes and talks to me she gets a little upset. When I said “what happened to ‘I’m joking’?” She says “Oh, you know…” then changes the subject.

10. She’s brought me food to work without being asked.

11. We’ve talked about crushes and she’s basically admitted to having a crush on me. I forgot how it came up but we were talking about who we had crushes on – actually she was doing most of the talking and she casually mentioned having a crush on me, but before I could probe further we had to go run and help someone. I’ve been trying to figure out how to bring this up again.

12. I don’t think I’m the best looking guy in the world, not ugly by any stretch of the imagination, but just average I guess. She’s called me cute or “very cute” on a number of occasions without being prompted.

13. Another time we were chatting and I said something about being “just friends” and she said something like “No, work husbands are more than just friends.”

14. We make it a point to "keep each other company," when the other one isn't at work. So there are a couple nights where we don't work together and for the last 6 months or so we've made it a point to see how the other one is doing and/or send a few memes to entertain the one that's working. One night I wasn't able to because I was in the ER for something minor, she messaged me teasing that she was upset with me for forgetting about her. When I explained what had happened she became super concerned and said that it was ok and that she'd be there if I needed her.

Now, having read all this you’re probably thinking “YES, you fool, she does like you.” But the kicker, and why I’m apprehensive to ask her our is that she’s persian. All the persians I know will only date/get into relationships with/marry other persians. I’m scared that if I shoot my shot I’ll lose probably the closest friend I’ve ever had. She’s dated non-persians in the past but her parents are putting pressure on her to get married and I’m just not sure I should say anything to her because of this cultural reason. She feels pressure from her parents to marry an persian dude but will also get angry and say “It’s my life, I’ll marry who I want.”

I know a lot of people say this, but I truly do feel a different connection with her than I’ve ever felt for anyone else. I wouldn’t say I’m in love with her, but I definitely have very strong and intense feelings for her. I just don’t know if it’s worth risking our friendship over something that might not go anywhere if she needs to marry someone from her culture.

I’m not planning on making some grandiose confession of love. But I would like to gauge where she’s at. Like I said, I’ve been out of the dating pool for years now and with the age difference I don’t really know how women her age act when they’re interested.

My work doesn't have a policy against dating coworkers. In fact, there are a few couples at my job who met on the job. I am not looking for advice along the lines of "don't date coworkers."

[nomolies20]

You'll never know if you don't try. I wish girls could make it that obvious for me. I never could tell if a girl was into me, they would pretty much need to jump on me for me to get the hint.

Ask. See if she wants to grab coffee sometime, just the two of you. From what you wrote, she'll probably be down for it. Then steer the conversation towards the idea of her dating non-persians. Unless she's as dense as me, she'll get the hint. And she's right, its her life. Don't let your experiences with others in her culture affect what you think she'll do.

[RubyandPearl]

What is your goal with this wonderful-sounding person?

Do you want to become lovers? Married?

You're so close to each other already and have such a great rapport I'd just go for it in a romantic way.

Invite her to your house for dinner. Turn the conversation to marriage customs in her culture, her thoughts on it, will she follow them in the US.
Gently take her hand, kiss the back of it, hold her hand, look her in the eyes, say something like "you're so beautiful to me, I value our friendship, do I stand a chance?" Or words to that effect.

Make sure she understands you're not talking about just sex (if that's what you want).

Don't just "ask her out" bring some romance into it and see where it goes.

[Kin Atoms]

I think you need to be a bit more refined. Shoot my shot is passe. I would not invite her/bring her to your house, but I would definitely see if she could meet you outside and you could follow up. I would certainly inquire more about her cultural mores, and as mentioned, focus especially on their influence in relationships. Ask her in so many questions (but not volumes) what proscriptions she abides by with interpersonal relations among non-Persian persons.

I would also be more inclined to learning more about her culture, not just from her, but from other media/genres, so you could do a favor that would be culturally indicated relative to what an expectation of hers may be. R&P made a great suggestion in inquiring ""you're so beautiful to me, I value our friendship, do I stand a chance?" Or words to that effect." I've heard there are a number of contraindications for moving against her parents / within her personal frame, and those I'm aware of have maintained wonderful connections in both worlds, marrying non-Persian persons as well as getting along comfortably with in-laws, and slipping between the two cultures easily.

I encourage you to move ahead and bring some class to the meeting. If she says no, I don't think it would change the interpersonal dynamics, as she seems quite a bit of fun and very playful. I would encourage you (as R&P mentioned) to identify where you want to go in making this contact. I would think you would want to be serious, but figuring out why would be a true benefit for soul-searching and what you are seeking, not just 'her,' but for the next year, 5 years, and 10 years, as well as where she fits into that dynamic.

[ellie]

No touching at work!

[Ted Bear]

Originally Posted by CrueRulz

I figured this would be one of those "she talked to me once, so is she into me" posts. It's not. To me there are some very clear signals here.

Although I would personally stay away from a coworker relationship, I think she's into you.

NO, this is one of those "she talked to me several times so she's into me"posts.

OP, what are you waiting for. Going to dance till you drop? Need an engraved invitation?

How difficult is it to ask her for dinner this Friday night? Maybe an "out of doors" picnic style thing. Bring wine and a blanket and some great take out food.

Sheesh.

[redplum33]

OP, google "work husband". IMO, you're reading the situation wrong.

[Suburban_Guy]

You know that saying, bro, about company ink.

[gobucks86]

First of all, and I know you wouldn't, but the pretend prom thing is super cringey lol.

And should you "take your shot"?. Yes. The answer is yes. Seems like she could be into you. If she isn't, then oh well, at least you tried. You said you're afraid to lose her as a friend, however, I'd be more concerned with the regret of NOT saying anything as she is 29 and has plenty of time to meet other guys who will "take their shot". So yes, go for it. If not, it's inevitable that you'll soon be that friend of hers she's talking about her real life boyfriend to. I don't think that's what you want, especially if you didn't say anything to begin with and lost your chance.

[Submariner]

Do it!

DO IT NOW!