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So I knew that my best friend's brother had a small crush on me since we met years ago and we would harmlessly flirt once in a while. But about 8 months ago when we were at a party he told me that he had feelings for me. He basically told me that he loved me, that he appreciated me, and that he was attracted to me. He also kissed me that night after all of our friends left. I didn't see the kiss coming so when his sister walked back into the room I ran away because I got scared.
He's not normally an emotional person so it was surprising that he said all of that and I was speechless at the time. He messaged me the next day to "continue where we left off" and even though I was interested in him too, I was scared to ruin my friendship with his sister and also scared to admit my feelings so I told him that even though I care a lot about him, I didn't think it was a good idea. He agreed and said it was worth a shot and we left it at that.
A week later, we were at another party and at the end of the night we ended up having sex. I didn't plan for it or expect it, and I was also a virgin (he knew about it). I wouldn't change anything about it and I'm glad it was him because he's somebody that I trust and feel safe around. I wasn't sure what it meant though, if anything, and a few days later we talked about it and he told me that he wasn't looking to date anyone right now but we could keep things casual. I agreed, and we had a casual arrangement for about a month before we decided to call it off because we both felt guilty for sneaking around. He also asked me how I felt about him and I got scared again so I told him "I like you, I care about you, you mean a lot to me" but I know it was very vague.
We didn't meet up for months until he called me one night this past July after we were out in a group and asked if he could come to see me and talk. We talked for a bit and had sex again for the first time in 6 months, but then he told me that we could never be anything more than what we already were. When I asked him why he said it was because he thought we wouldn't work in a relationship because we're too different and that he thinks he's toxic and would ruin it. I didn't push it after that conversation.
We hooked up a couple more times since then, and it's usually only when we're drinking together. The last time was 2 weeks ago and things have been a little bit off ever since - that time felt a little more intense and intimate. We also talked more - he asked me if I had been with anyone else besides him. I also told him we didn't have to always be drunk when we were together and he said he thought that's what I wanted. I also tried to confront him about his confession to me on that first night he kissed me and he acted like he didn't remember what he said - which I know isn't true because that confession/kiss is the reason we got here. Ever since this day, things have felt kind of tense between us. We also stupidly took photos/videos of us while we were having sex and I never got to see them, so I messaged him a few days later asking for them because I was curious to see them before they got deleted, and all he said was "I deleted everything."
Point of the story: I realized too late that I have feelings for him too. I think I was trying to push him to share his feelings about me again instead of telling him how I really feel. But I'm also terrified to open up about it because there's a chance he doesn't feel the same way anymore. But it's starting to get to a point where it's making me anxious. We're also both still talking to/seeing other people, but I saw him with another girl yesterday. And even though we're not exclusive and he has every right to do that, I felt a little weird about it.
Is it worth telling him how I feel? I almost feel like he's annoyed with me now, and I'm not sure how to approach it. I'm worried that the way he said he felt almost a year ago isn't true now, and maybe I missed my opportunity to tell him that I feel the same.
It's just hard because we're so close, and I'm really close with his whole family too. We live in the same neighborhood and see each other regularly even if we don't want to. I don't want to lose him from my life but I also don't want to ruin what we already have. At the same time, even though I'm not necessarily jealous, it kind of stings to know that he's seeing other girls. I've been seeing some other men too, but I don't feel very strongly about them, and I always end up thinking about him when I'm with other people.
I'm just not sure where to go from here. It's getting kind of stressful and I'm not sure if it's worth even continuing anything with him at this point.
You don't have anything with him except sex, and even that's when you are drunk.
As things are already feeling weird for you, you might as well just tell him you would like a committed relationship. Then he can either agree to it or not. Maybe he cares about you or maybe he just likes sneaking around with you. There's only one way to find out and that's to tell him you want to be more than FWB.
Either way, it's not the end of the world. If he doesn't want a relationship with all the friends and relatives knowing, you just cease drinking around him because obviously you don't make your best decisions then, or you will use it as an excuse to have sex. If you want to do something, do it. Just don't use drinking as an excuse for doing it.
he likes the easy sex, and he likes having you at his beck and call, but he has no interest in dating you. Of course the guy would tell you he has a crush on you. What do you expect of him? To be honest and to tell you that he's not in love with you, and that he's interested in other women but those other women won't sleep with you, and that you , to him, good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to date?
Dump this guy and go meet men who actually care about you.
You're scared, terrified, run away, don't feel confident enough to tell him how you really feel when he asks you.
Why did you mention the sex pics/video in your post, are you concerned that maybe he didn't delete everything? Do you trust him?
Even though he's told you several times he doesn't want a relationship, since you know him, his sister and family so well, I'd just straight up tell him how you feel and what you want from him.
From what you've said here, you're unlikely to get it but at least you'll have been upfront with him.
Interesting he referred to himself as toxic. When people tell you what they are, believe them.
And a lesson on the side: NEVER EVER take SEX pictures and/or videos with a guy you have not been dating for a long, long time. And even then, I would not take videos and only pictures without your face in it. You NEVEr know where these will end up, who sees them. His friends, the world, pornhub, your parents, your siblings ...
Yeah, many men will have sex with you if it's free. A guy having sex with you doesn't necessarily mean he's in love with you. These days it doesn't even mean he's physically attracted to you, honestly, especially when we have been having a dry spell lasting a month or two. Free sex is free sex. And what do I mean by free sex?
No emotional ties associated to it. No need to date you first before having sex with you, and not having to be in a romantic relationship with you, to have sex.
He sounds gross. Untrustworthy. He preys upon a virginal girl and how old is he? Were condoms involved?
You need to protect yourself and understand many users will say they have “ feelings” but the behavior tells the real story. He is dating others, says he is toxic. Believe it. Do not be naive.
Just because someone claims to love you doesn't mean they do unless it is shown.
Him videoing you and claiming it’s deleted isnt treating you with respect, just more casual disrespect.
You’re just an object, a target for exploiting opportunistically.
Sounds you two are just friends with benefits, and you just an easy hookup for him. He knows how to play you, and he's taking full advantage of it. He pretty much told you, that you could never be more than a hookup. You are allowing yourself to be used by him, he's a player.
He's already told you that he doesn't want anything more than a FWB situation with you.
You could tell him how you feel about him, but I don't think it's going to change anything, and most likely it's just going to make you feel worse right now.
It's probably best just to cut ties with him and move on.
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