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I have been dating a woman exclusively for about 3 months. We are both in our 50s and have been divorced for more than 6+ years each. We met on a dating app and things seem to be going really well. I really like her and enjoy spending time with her and she has said the same. We both agreed to date exclusively early on in the relationship. We see each other a couple of times a week and have a great time when we're out and intimately.
There's just one thing that bothers me. It comes from being burned in past relationships. When we decided to date exclusively, I hid all my dating app profiles. I did not want to talk to anyone else nor did I want anyone talking to me. When I meet someone I like, I want to focus just on them. Her profiles are all active and she has said that she just goes on them to delete messages and likes. This doesn't make sense to me. Why not hide the profile and if things don't work out, unhide it.
I get it...she doesn't want to get burned either. I do trust her and as far as I know, she hans't gone on dates with anyone else. She told me that she only wants to see me. I told her that of she wanted to date other people, that's fine...just tell me and we'll go on from there. I don't know how often she goes on it, but I assume it's regularly.
So, is this a red flag? I feel discussing it is an invasion of her privacy in a way. But, this is gnawing at me after a few months of dating. Am I being overly cautious or ridiculous letting this bother me? I want to protect myself too.
I have been dating a woman exclusively for about 3 months. We are both in our 50s and have been divorced for more than 6+ years each. We met on a dating app and things seem to be going really well. I really like her and enjoy spending time with her and she has said the same. We both agreed to date exclusively early on in the relationship. We see each other a couple of times a week and have a great time when we're out and intimately.
There's just one thing that bothers me. It comes from being burned in past relationships. When we decided to date exclusively, I hid all my dating app profiles. I did not want to talk to anyone else nor did I want anyone talking to me. When I meet someone I like, I want to focus just on them. Her profiles are all active and she has said that she just goes on them to delete messages and likes. This doesn't make sense to me. Why not hide the profile and if things don't work out, unhide it.
I get it...she doesn't want to get burned either. I do trust her and as far as I know, she hans't gone on dates with anyone else. She told me that she only wants to see me. I told her that of she wanted to date other people, that's fine...just tell me and we'll go on from there. I don't know how often she goes on it, but I assume it's regularly.
So, is this a red flag? I feel discussing it is an invasion of her privacy in a way. But, this is gnawing at me after a few months of dating. Am I being overly cautious or ridiculous letting this bother me? I want to protect myself too.
Thanks for any help/ advice
You mention that "we" decided to date exclusively, did that decision include a discussion about expectations with maintaining profiles on dating apps? I ask, because you mention that this bothers you, but you also explain what she stated as her reasons for keeping her profiles active. So it seems like you accepted these explanations when you discussed this matter.
I would suggest to have a conversation about this with her, and keep the conversation about how this makes you feel instead of focusing on what you assume she's really doing by nurturing her online dating profiles. If she respects you and cares for you, then she will consider your feelings and make some changes.
The way I look at it, if someone is in a committed relationship with another, they should be turning off their dating profiles. I don't buy her excuse that she goes on her dating apps just to delete likes and messages. Umm, she does realize that deactivating her profile does the exact same thing but without her having to do it manually? Yup, red flag. A big red flag to me in any relationship is when either party continues to do things they know the other will be apprehensive about. It's not only disrespect, but a big sign the relationship is not as exclusive as one thought.
Not really sure how to proceed with this one. But to me, her unwillingness to deactivate her profile means she isn't as committed in this relationship as the OP is. If it were me, I'd just reactivate my dating profile and keep options open, because that's exactly what she's doing.
Online flirting, aka engaging on dating sites, but not meeting up with anyone in person, may seem like a gray area. Not the case, according to Katherine, who says the situation is usually black and white. “An active online dating profile while you're in a committed relationship is a form of infidelity," says Katherine. “Obviously some couples have different rules about the openness of a relationship and fluidity of commitment, but usually it's absolutely reasonable to feel 'cheated on' if you discover your partner is active on these sites."
The old excuse, “it's not you, it's me," actually rings true in the case of online flirting. Sure, online dating apps are an efficient way for someone who doesn't have both feet in the relationship to keep shopping around, but key motivators are often separate from the relationship.
Katherine says someone's emotional issues, like a belief that they don't deserve real love or will disappoint their partner, drive a digital-age form of self-sabotage. “Self-sabotage happens every day. A lot of people in great relationships engage in frivolous online flirting with strangers when they encounter the chance at quality intimacy in their current relationship."
l'd never be interested in anyone seeing other people or still on date sites or whatever if we were supposedly together.
And her reasoning well , obviously that makes no sense. lf it were me well, as l say it wouldn't be but if it was l'd be checking them out and watching if she's still actually active on them too.
l dunno , resorting to such mistrust so early in is no way to start a relationship l know. l think it's best you figure out what's going on though bc if she's truly serious about you then she certainly doesn't need her date sites.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,940,305 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iwanttobesure
Hello,
I have been dating a woman exclusively for about 3 months. We are both in our 50s and have been divorced for more than 6+ years each. We met on a dating app and things seem to be going really well. I really like her and enjoy spending time with her and she has said the same. We both agreed to date exclusively early on in the relationship. We see each other a couple of times a week and have a great time when we're out and intimately.
There's just one thing that bothers me. It comes from being burned in past relationships. When we decided to date exclusively, I hid all my dating app profiles. I did not want to talk to anyone else nor did I want anyone talking to me. When I meet someone I like, I want to focus just on them. Her profiles are all active and she has said that she just goes on them to delete messages and likes. This doesn't make sense to me. Why not hide the profile and if things don't work out, unhide it.
I get it...she doesn't want to get burned either. I do trust her and as far as I know, she hans't gone on dates with anyone else. She told me that she only wants to see me. I told her that of she wanted to date other people, that's fine...just tell me and we'll go on from there. I don't know how often she goes on it, but I assume it's regularly.
So, is this a red flag? I feel discussing it is an invasion of her privacy in a way. But, this is gnawing at me after a few months of dating. Am I being overly cautious or ridiculous letting this bother me? I want to protect myself too.
Thanks for any help/ advice
How in the world would you know if you're not on them?
Why is it that you'd rather ask strangers or creep her online profile instead of just speaking with her...the one who has the answers you're looking for?
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