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So, based off of what I've learned through experience in life and what I've distilled from here and other sources, here's what I am trying to orient myself towards for future relationships:
1. There's a bit of grand scale, almost religious thought that if a long term relationship / marriage / kids are to happen, things will orient for them to happen when they should happen, as long as I put myself out there and allow for interactions to happen. If it's not meant to happen, I'll be able to contribute to society and peoples lives in other ways.
2. Be involved, but be involved where you want to be and doing the things you like to do. If you're somewhere that's not your long term home or doing things that really aren't your interest, trying to pivot the relationships you meet to your ideal future is difficult. Example for me, I'm not a urbanite / big city person, so even though there's more potential in those metros, wanting to take a person from that to a smaller city and doing more outdoor things isn't too probable to happen. Try new things, if you like them you expand your hobbies, if not, then maybe the next one will be more of your cup of tea.
3. Don't chase the date. Be around females and and get to know them and build an aquiantence relationship. If they are interested, they will let you know - make them take the lead and make an effort to spend time with you, chat, and show interest. Otherwise they percieve you as desperate, needing something, a player hitting up all the ladies in the group etc... Meetup / social groups are a good alternative to OLD, but gossip spreads fast and if you hit it off on the wrong note you're blacklisted. Also, if a girl has issues, it'll pop up over time and you don't want to be the one that discovers them first.
4. OLD is still worthwhile; it's fishing through the gutter, but occasionally you might find a prize that fell in there. Just spend as little time as possible, ignore them in your mind and never get emotionally involved before knowing them, and video chat then low effort date for the first couple, knowing that most are trash, damaged, have baggage, or aren't ready to date.
Try to be as flexible as you can be. Should be more flexible to move if you can get a similar job to what you have now and the other person has more than you do (i.e. They live in their own home and you might be living with parents or renting.)
Some people aren't able to let go of the area they are in. Even if they aren't doing all that great, they are doing well enough for themselves basically. But their situations might not work well for others.
You sound like a thoughtful person who's done some research and information gathering.
I'd say that in #3 there's some wiggle room. Many women want the man to show interest and take the lead. If you don't act like a player you won't be perceived as one, ie. don't hit on every girl in your social circle.
If there's two or three women you like, concentrate on the one you like the most. If she isn't interested, go for the next one you like, one at a time, not all at once player style.
There are some very vocal voices that claim to dislike being approached by men. Whether these are authentic or not who knows.
Then we get plaintive questions like Why Am I Still Single? Or Why Don't Men Approach Me? So...
I found it's best when dating to remain somewhat emotionally detached at first, not to lead with emotions and get too involved too quickly.
But mainly just have fun and enjoy being with people and not really seeking romance.
I think it must be exhausting to be you. Otherwise, whatever works for you. I assume it's working, right?
It's a reflection on being exhausted. Trying to work smarter
Quote:
Originally Posted by chessimprov
Try to be as flexible as you can be. Should be more flexible to move if you can get a similar job to what you have now and the other person has more than you do (i.e. They live in their own home and you might be living with parents or renting.)
Some people aren't able to let go of the area they are in. Even if they aren't doing all that great, they are doing well enough for themselves basically. But their situations might not work well for others.
Right, I try not to automatically rule people out with things like age, background, career etc, but don't want to overlook those details, it just depends on what the package comes out to be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl
You sound like a thoughtful person who's done some research and information gathering.
I'd say that in #3 there's some wiggle room. Many women want the man to show interest and take the lead. If you don't act like a player you won't be perceived as one, ie. don't hit on every girl in your social circle.
If there's two or three women you like, concentrate on the one you like the most. If she isn't interested, go for the next one you like, one at a time, not all at once player style.
There are some very vocal voices that claim to dislike being approached by men. Whether these are authentic or not who knows.
Then we get plaintive questions like Why Am I Still Single? Or Why Don't Men Approach Me? So...
I found it's best when dating to remain somewhat emotionally detached at first, not to lead with emotions and get too involved too quickly.
But mainly just have fun and enjoy being with people and not really seeking romance.
Cheers
Good advice! I think it's trying to pivot from showing direct interest and hitting on women to engaging and showing subtle interest, looking for a reflective repsonse before continuing. I think this also helps with figuring out which one you like most. Your 2 minute judgement might give you some ideas, but waiting till the next encounter gives you a better idea if #1 is still #1.
So has it worked? It sounds like a good enough strategy. If you are very mild mannered you might need to express interest in dating if you actually got to know them and felt so. Leaving it all up to her is not going to help, as no one can read a mind. I dislike people who think you should know how to decode non verbal cues.
Why do online dating if you think they are likely trash? Also people do get sick of the city and leave to start a family or work so going there sometimes is likely helpful.
So, based off of what I've learned through experience in life and what I've distilled from here and other sources, here's what I am trying to orient myself towards for future relationships:
1. There's a bit of grand scale, almost religious thought that if a long term relationship / marriage / kids are to happen, things will orient for them to happen when they should happen, as long as I put myself out there and allow for interactions to happen. If it's not meant to happen, I'll be able to contribute to society and peoples lives in other ways.
2. Be involved, but be involved where you want to be and doing the things you like to do. If you're somewhere that's not your long term home or doing things that really aren't your interest, trying to pivot the relationships you meet to your ideal future is difficult. Example for me, I'm not a urbanite / big city person, so even though there's more potential in those metros, wanting to take a person from that to a smaller city and doing more outdoor things isn't too probable to happen. Try new things, if you like them you expand your hobbies, if not, then maybe the next one will be more of your cup of tea.
3. Don't chase the date. Be around females and and get to know them and build an aquiantence relationship. If they are interested, they will let you know - make them take the lead and make an effort to spend time with you, chat, and show interest. Otherwise they percieve you as desperate, needing something, a player hitting up all the ladies in the group etc... Meetup / social groups are a good alternative to OLD, but gossip spreads fast and if you hit it off on the wrong note you're blacklisted. Also, if a girl has issues, it'll pop up over time and you don't want to be the one that discovers them first.
4. OLD is still worthwhile; it's fishing through the gutter, but occasionally you might find a prize that fell in there. Just spend as little time as possible, ignore them in your mind and never get emotionally involved before knowing them, and video chat then low effort date for the first couple, knowing that most are trash, damaged, have baggage, or aren't ready to date.
Thoughts?
Yikes. In essence, this manages to capture why so many CD Relationship posters keep failing in this arena. Namely because they overthink everything.
Never ever have a philosophy towards dating, unless you count "Don't date self-centered people and be open to just about anyone because, hey, you never know." In dating, the heart drives things, not the mind. Sure, you need to have wisdom, but the heart understands things the mind does not.
Don't play games. Ask yourself the question, "Would I date me?" and be objective about matters. And simply treat any woman you approach as a flesh and blood person, an interesting and complex mix of wants and needs, ambitions and desires.
Everything else you wrote is a waste of time and energy.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 10-22-2022 at 07:34 AM..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver
Never ever have a philosophy towards dating, unless you count "Don't date self-centered people and be open to just about anyone because, hey, you never know." In dating, the heart drives things, not the mind. Sure, you need to have wisdom, but the heart understands things the mind does not.
Don't play games. Ask yourself the question, "Would I date me?" and be objective about matters. And simply treat any woman you approach as a flesh and blood person, an interesting and complex mix of wants and needs, ambitions and desires.
Everything else you wrote is a waste of time and energy.
Fully agree. Way too much thinking. I don't understand having a strategy at all, other than perhaps, don't by thy own worst enemy.
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