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I'll keep it brief for the intro, and fill in the blanks as needed, as the thread progresses, because there's a long backstory that is crucial for context...
But the short of it:
My girlfriend I'd been dating for slightly over two years, her and I have an 18-month old daughter together. I broke up with her on December 29 while I was out of town for work, on the basis of, feeling she's a gold digger, inconsiderate of my feelings and opinions, and is an uncompromising parent...
She has two older sons and I have two older daughters. I'm 33, she's 28...
At the time I had been planning on breaking up with her for awhile, probably at least 2 months. At the time I thought I meant it...
Get back in town January 9. Didn't see her for about 5 days, she made it clear that she was upset I'd broken up with her. We has very little interaction or conversation after that...
On January 21 she invited my older daughters and I over, things were going good, until my middle child said I'd moved an hour away. I had moved about a month and a half earlier. Didn't tell her, because again I'd been planning on breaking up with her since October and I rationalized that I didn't need to tell her anything. So when my daughter told her this, she confronted me about it, I affirmed it nonchalantly and we had a huge, huge blow up. She kicked me out and told me I wasn't welcome over again...
Over the next two weeks the dust settled and around February 3 I told her we should try to repair our relationship, which she declined vociferously. Our communication improved from that point on, I sent her two bouquets of flowers for Valentine's Day, which she thanked me for...
Now, I'd had the suspicion for awhile that she was seeing someone else. Asked her twice, she told me no. On February 19, she unwittingly told on herself (I can fill this in later if necessary). Hadn't been by her house since the Jan 21 blow up, so I decided to go by her house, there was a car there I'd never seen. I went to the door, and a man answered the door...
What followed was a brief and non-contentious conversation with he and I, but the coming days were highly contentious with us. She wouldn't divulge any information about the man, I found out about him thru back channels. Continued to tell me it was platonic, he's just a friend. Her and I in the coming weeks didn't have sex, but shared a few other intimate moments--->some conversations, and a date at the mall on March 6 just me, her, and out daughter. She leaned her head on my shoulder, we were laughing, getting along, briefly locked arms. It was an intimate hour and a half outing or so.
Throughout the weeks post-Feb 19, she continued to deny, about 5 times, that she abd the guy were anything more than platonic friends. This wasn't always me asking her either, we were talking one day and she asked me to grab the baby, and said "just so you know I'm asking so that I can InstaCart, not because I'm doing anything sheisty, so don't be thinking me and ____ are anything more than it is". Also though, throughout this period, I asked her if she was willing to work on us, and she said yes but "not now", I need "time and space to myself". So we remained broken up. But the interactions between she and I, built a mindset in me, that we were separated, not together, but not truly broken up...
On March 11, I got her oldest son with all three of my daughters, and we all went out to eat. I asked him about the guy, just if he liked him, how they interact, etc. The boy affirmed that Platonic Friend and mom do sleep in the same bed "sometimes, but not all the time, sometimes he sleeps on the couch", and that Platonic Friend walks around the house shirtless and in his underwear...
This set me off, I'd found out about Platonic Friend thru back channels, he and mom worked together. My ex was off March 11, he wasn't though, so I went down to the job and asked for him. He came outside and we spoke for 45 minutes, and I'm a nutshell, confirmed that he and my ex have sex, sleep together, said he doesn't "love" her but "I do like her, she's a good girl", and she likes him. He said when I showed up February 19 was the first time that he knew I was around, the story he'd been given is that I was "out of the picture". That's a quote. And that if he knew she and I were still involved and I was in the picture, he wouldn't have gotten involved with her, because "I'm not about this third party ****"...
So basically, everything she should've told me, he did...
The conversation revealed a number of things that proved my suspicions valid, and I guess after we spoke, he contacted her, because about 15 minutes later, she texted me cursing me out. I told her we'd wait right at her job for her. When she came down, she stormed in cursing me, and I created a scene. Basically saying, "hey fir anyone who is in earshot, this the woman here who stepped out on me" (I told you the convo with Platonic Friend revealed a number of things, including that his and her's dealings with each other went back to "maybe December", and he moved in February 4 or 5)...
It git really boisterous, Platonic Friend came around but didn't say anything to she or I, someone called the cops, who came and asked people if any violence or damage of property occurred, once they were told no, they cane to us and said this was a civil disturbance, give the baby to her and go our separate ways. So I did, and we did...
We didn't speak much until late in the week that passed, and this past weekend was the first weekend in awhile where we had no tension. But when I asked her if the man is gone and if she truly ready to work on us, she said "I'm not ready to talk about this yet". So I left it alone...
That brings me to today. No conversation, I told her while she needs time I won't talk to her unless she reaches out first. She's let it be known that her heart was broken, that's a quote, when I moved an hour out and didn't tell her, she heard whispers from mutual acquaintances and then my daughter confirmed it, and it damaged her. Then I also broke up with her, that bothers her, and she said she can't forgive that...
Surrounding her relatipnsjip with Platonic Friend, she admits it wasn't platonic but "I tried to spare your feelings but you kept digging and put my ***** on front street for everyone to know". She's embarrassed and angry, and also has used phrasing that I may have messed up her thing with Platonic Friend...
From my end, I told her I'd been dealing with immense pressure from her to basically go broke to satisfy her, and I had no security that she felt the same about me, so that influenced my decision to leave I'm secret. Told her while I broke up with her, it wasn't a "real" break up, it was more a break and emotionally wr still shared some couple-isms in the time that followed that would lend credibility to us not being broken up. Also finding out she started this "situation" with Platonic Friend before I broke up with her messes with me, and the fact she just moved a man right in with my daughter and didn't tell me messes with me...
She hasn't told me she loves me since befire March 11. We aren't seeing each other. I definitely mistepped a few times here abd need to mature, and so does she. I'm growing with the acceptance we may not reconcile, but there's a feeling we can, if it's really time to work on ourselves...
At the same time I have accepted the man is still there, and that throws a wrench into anything we do. Is this relationship salvageable?
So, we're coming up on three months since I initially broke up with her. And what I've realized, is I was impulsive and didn't really mean it. And I did it while out of town instead of face to face, and had been plotting on it for awhile...
I didn't mean it, and I want her back...
She's told me that "we are gonna get thru this" but "I'm not there yet", however, the fact she won't confirm or deny whether Platonic Friend is still there, tells me they've developed something and it's a priority to her. I don't actually know how I should be reading this stuff. But I'm steeling myself to accept that she and I, as a couple, in high likelihood are over...
Her energy, her language and body language tells me it can be salvaged, but if it can, what is the responsibility fir me? How do I get my woman back?
I don't believe this is unsalvageable. My parents have been married 32 years in May, and have dealt with infidelity, ex/"baby momma" issues, a number of things. I'm 33, I've seen and known many people who were able to keep their relationship going, or reconcile after a split, among a whole bunch of issues. So I know the possibility to reconcile is there...
However, I'm tempering my hopes because ultimately this rests on the dismissal of Platonic Friend to me. Buy, given I've said I want her back, what do I need to do, as a man, as a partner, to repair this relationship?
You are both very veryr childish and how unfortunate for all the kids.
YOU broke up with her what? Over the phone? A text? While you were out of town. It wasn't even a spur of the moment kind of thing...you had planned to do this. What a way to tell her you have NO respect for her. And she apparently picked up on THAT quite well. THEN you move an hour away without telling her. The mother of one of your children. Again...a basic lack of respect. YOU BROKE UP WITH HER but when you find out she's seeing someone else, you do all kinds of nasty little things to be in her business.
I don't know. You're both hot messes. I just feel bad for the kids.
You are both very veryr childish and how unfortunate for all the kids.
YOU broke up with her what? Over the phone? A text? While you were out of town. It wasn't even a spur of the moment kind of thing...you had planned to do this. What a way to tell her you have NO respect for her. And she apparently picked up on THAT quite well. THEN you move an hour away without telling her. The mother of one of your children. Again...a basic lack of respect. YOU BROKE UP WITH HER but when you find out she's seeing someone else, you do all kinds of nasty little things to be in her business.
I don't know. You're both hot messes. I just feel bad for the kids.
What can I do to regain her trust and respect? And vice versa, what should be shown to me, to want to resume our relationship?
Good grief. Get your act together. You came crawling back and she said no. Have some pride and grow up, then move on as a new person. This is high school drama.
Why do you want to resume it? You're toxic to each other.
Because this isn't what our relationship was like, we did not have a drama-filled relationship. I know what we've been at our best and I don't want to let it go. I know I can be a better person and a better partner, and I forgive her for her own stuff...
Good grief. Get your act together. You came crawling back and she said no. Have some pride and grow up, then move on as a new person. This is high school drama.
I didn't go thru anything like this with any of my high school girlfriends, so I don't know what High school you went to...
Look, I have some growing up to do. I can acknowledge I've been immature and irresponsible. Do you have any advice on how a relationship with this baggage can resume?
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