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I'm very confused on this, too. Why, if you have a partner you liked enough to marry, are you trying to find new 'partners' for company? There is no one I would rather be around than my husband. If you are having to explain about going out, that sounds like she was around at the time. Why weren't you two focusing on spending time together? I'd be trying to figure out how to spend more time with my partner or really wondering why I was in this relationship in the first place. What are you getting out of it?
I agree.
I mean, we're married after all. Living mostly independent lives "together" seems bizarre to me. At least, that was not how I was brought up culturally in the Midwest. My parents (and hers) are pretty much tied at the hip.
However, I know there is this new push of "being apart together". It's a phenomenon that seems popular among younger women where they want to live their independent, spontaneous lives while also having a strong desire for marriage or coupling. I don't know if that is going on here, but I have come across a lot of literature online about it.
I'm very confused on this, too. Why, if you have a partner you liked enough to marry, are you trying to find new 'partners' for company? There is no one I would rather be around than my husband. If you are having to explain about going out, that sounds like she was around at the time. Why weren't you two focusing on spending time together? I'd be trying to figure out how to spend more time with my partner or really wondering why I was in this relationship in the first place. What are you getting out of it?
I think that for some people, this is the only "right way" that a relationship can work...just like some people have looked at how my husband and I don't sleep in the same bed and asked, "well why are you even married?" as though we don't have sex or we don't spend time together, or we aren't still very close...?
But this is not the first marriage I've seen involving relative extroverts who have social needs, where they do things separately. And those marriages are not lacking or unsuccessful ones, for all the two are not joined at the hip all the time.
Part of the issue that I'm seeing though, is that...while it is not reasonable to make any kind of DEMANDS that your partner straight up solve your problems, I do think that a loving partner should care if you tell them that you have needs that are not being met and it's troubling your peace of mind.
Two people in a loving relationship should care how each other feel.
I mean, if I were in his wife's shoes, I'd be making suggestions, going online to help look for activities that might be a good fit for my husband's interests, and possibly setting aside some of my resources of money or airline miles or whatever, to help him be able to go visit his family, too. I would see it as completely reasonable for him to say, "hey look, I want to schedule a trip to see my family, here's the general timeframe I'm thinking for that, let's coordinate and both go" and for her to cooperate rather than digging in her heels when she's meanwhile planning several trips to see her family throughout the year.
Just because it's easier for her, doesn't and shouldn't mean that your desires just get dropped on the side of the road and forgotten.
I mean, this, to me, is part of how a healthy couple makes compromise...it isn't about her having to set aside everything she wants and change her whole life to revolve around OP, but she should care enough to want to help, and to give some ground here and there.
As for moving to be closer to OP's family, well, that is a whole discussion. There are a lot of factors involved in relocation so it bears thinking through and weighing pros and cons. But I can definitely understand wanting to live where you can have a satisfying social life. My husband and I have the opportunity in the nearish future to move practically anywhere. He doesn't really have a preference and has put the decision into my hands (though he trusts me to be open with him about my thoughts and to consider his feelings on it, should he have any in particular.) And of all possible places, like, even including hypothetically some kind of "tropical paradise" situation...including places where we could buy or build a dream home, out of all possible considerations...our choice is looking like the one where I feel socially happy, because that is a need that I have. And living in a place where I have no friends, and it's just me and whoever is in my household, I can tell you from my whole life's path that such an environment never feels like "home" to me.
I think that for some people, this is the only "right way" that a relationship can work...just like some people have looked at how my husband and I don't sleep in the same bed and asked, "well why are you even married?" as though we don't have sex or we don't spend time together, or we aren't still very close...?
But this is not the first marriage I've seen involving relative extroverts who have social needs, where they do things separately. And those marriages are not lacking or unsuccessful ones, for all the two are not joined at the hip all the time.
Part of the issue that I'm seeing though, is that...while it is not reasonable to make any kind of DEMANDS that your partner straight up solve your problems, I do think that a loving partner should care if you tell them that you have needs that are not being met and it's troubling your peace of mind.
Two people in a loving relationship should care how each other feel.
I mean, if I were in his wife's shoes, I'd be making suggestions, going online to help look for activities that might be a good fit for my husband's interests, and possibly setting aside some of my resources of money or airline miles or whatever, to help him be able to go visit his family, too. I would see it as completely reasonable for him to say, "hey look, I want to schedule a trip to see my family, here's the general timeframe I'm thinking for that, let's coordinate and both go" and for her to cooperate rather than digging in her heels when she's meanwhile planning several trips to see her family throughout the year.
Just because it's easier for her, doesn't and shouldn't mean that your desires just get dropped on the side of the road and forgotten.
I mean, this, to me, is part of how a healthy couple makes compromise...it isn't about her having to set aside everything she wants and change her whole life to revolve around OP, but she should care enough to want to help, and to give some ground here and there.
As for moving to be closer to OP's family, well, that is a whole discussion. There are a lot of factors involved in relocation so it bears thinking through and weighing pros and cons. But I can definitely understand wanting to live where you can have a satisfying social life. My husband and I have the opportunity in the nearish future to move practically anywhere. He doesn't really have a preference and has put the decision into my hands (though he trusts me to be open with him about my thoughts and to consider his feelings on it, should he have any in particular.) And of all possible places, like, even including hypothetically some kind of "tropical paradise" situation...including places where we could buy or build a dream home, out of all possible considerations...our choice is looking like the one where I feel socially happy, because that is a need that I have. And living in a place where I have no friends, and it's just me and whoever is in my household, I can tell you from my whole life's path that such an environment never feels like "home" to me.
It's interesting you mention the sleeping in separate beds thing, because we've been doing the same. It's due to me having developed some sleep issues more recently and not wanting to disturb her.
I agree with everything you've said here. It's as if you read my mind.
I've been spending a lot of time exploring new Meetups to attend. I'm going to one tonight to play pickleball. I also signed up to be a free agent on a kickball team, so we'll see how that pans out. Maybe filling my cup to the brim is what we both need at the moment. I don't know how she'll react when I'm suddenly out and about all the time. Maybe it's what she prefers, since her job is physically and mentally demanding during the week.
It's interesting you mention the sleeping in separate beds thing, because we've been doing the same. It's due to me having developed some sleep issues more recently and not wanting to disturb her.
I agree with everything you've said here. It's as if you read my mind.
I've been spending a lot of time exploring new Meetups to attend. I'm going to one tonight to play pickleball. I also signed up to be a free agent on a kickball team, so we'll see how that pans out. Maybe filling my cup to the brim is what we both need at the moment. I don't know how she'll react when I'm suddenly out and about all the time. Maybe it's what she prefers, since her job is physically and mentally demanding during the week.
So here's my super honest take on this though... I think you have to be careful with any little beginnings of resentment you may feel that she possibly doesn't seem to care enough about this. What I mean is, if you take the attitude of, "Well, clearly this isn't HER problem it is entirely MY problem so fine, I will stoically go and solve it and see how she likes it when I'm never home..."
Like, I get that emotional impulse, but please do be careful with that. Unless you really are OK with putting more distance in your marriage that could actually threaten or even imperil it ultimately. Like some of us, absolutely, can stay close AND have our "space"...but once resentments start to grow, especially those that are nurtured unspoken, you are treading into bad places.
Keep talking.
Keep trying to engage.
Encourage her to be open with you, too.
Asking her to care is reasonable. And you need to also listen and care. You've got to keep the good mojo flowing between you, y'know?
And the hard part...you also need to find out if she is actually still emotionally invested in the marriage. Like, not just, "we make a good team and this is working so I want to keep it as a life strategy" invested, but, "I enjoy your company and WANT to be WITH you" invested. I feel like you're uneasy about a vague sense of disconnect and distance, and if you can, you really should be looking for ways to close that gap with her...but sadly, too? If she has emotionally checked out, then that is information you need even though it's probably the last thing you want. I have the feeling that there's a reason why you used the word, "rift" in your thread title. Be careful that you don't let that rift turn into a chasm that cannot be bridged, between you...at least not without trying to reach out and draw her close and see if there is something good to preserve and nurture there, yet.
I used to volunteer at a pet shelter, and I'm considering that again. The only problem with that is that it was more about socializing with the animals than it was the people. Cleaning kennels occurred before most people arrived. So that one might not be the best option.
I am going to look at other opportunities though. Thanks!
You do have to remember where you're volunteering is an opportunity to meet others but not the primary objective, especially when it comes to caring for other living creatures. Volunteering for community events or other things of that nature is also good because there's a little more chitchat that can happen while you're setting up tents/tables/chairs, etc.
So here's my super honest take on this though... I think you have to be careful with any little beginnings of resentment you may feel that she possibly doesn't seem to care enough about this. What I mean is, if you take the attitude of, "Well, clearly this isn't HER problem it is entirely MY problem so fine, I will stoically go and solve it and see how she likes it when I'm never home..."
Like, I get that emotional impulse, but please do be careful with that. Unless you really are OK with putting more distance in your marriage that could actually threaten or even imperil it ultimately. Like some of us, absolutely, can stay close AND have our "space"...but once resentments start to grow, especially those that are nurtured unspoken, you are treading into bad places.
Keep talking.
Keep trying to engage.
Encourage her to be open with you, too.
Asking her to care is reasonable. And you need to also listen and care. You've got to keep the good mojo flowing between you, y'know?
And the hard part...you also need to find out if she is actually still emotionally invested in the marriage. Like, not just, "we make a good team and this is working so I want to keep it as a life strategy" invested, but, "I enjoy your company and WANT to be WITH you" invested. I feel like you're uneasy about a vague sense of disconnect and distance, and if you can, you really should be looking for ways to close that gap with her...but sadly, too? If she has emotionally checked out, then that is information you need even though it's probably the last thing you want. I have the feeling that there's a reason why you used the word, "rift" in your thread title. Be careful that you don't let that rift turn into a chasm that cannot be bridged, between you...at least not without trying to reach out and draw her close and see if there is something good to preserve and nurture there, yet.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, I see what you're saying. These are good points that I will take heed of.
I think my wording was a little jumbled. I'm not trying to one up her or "show her how it feels". Based on some of the feedback I've read, I think that I do need to rekindle and find what I have lost in terms of my own social connections. Like I said in a previous post, I used to have a vibrant social life before we met. It has fizzled for a variety of reasons. I took all of that for granted because of our relationship. And now that those connections aren't there, I'm sitting here left with very little, alone, and isolated. The only way I know how to change that is by throwing myself into a bunch of activities. It's going to take time and effort on my part to find those new connections. I'm going to fail far more often than I succeed, so that's why I need to cast a wide net. I still plan on making time for us, but I think there is a priority on figuring out my own isolation problem so that I'm not overly reliant on my spouse (who clearly wants to do her own things, too).
Even close couples might not have interests that align up 100%. I think it's okay and healthy to allow for some healthy space and trust for each person to do their own thing, but you should still do and support some of each others' things as well. It's a healthy balance. You get aligned to another because you appreciate their similarities, but you learn to work with differences too.
Keep in mind life is complicated. Some people live in countries and/or within cultures were marriages are still arranged, or where people are afraid to go outside of their own bubble because it's all they know. Maybe for people who didn't have a choice, or where they feel that staying together is better than splitting apart because of finances, co-owning a home, etc. can also lead people to live more independent (social) lives.
Even close couples might not have interests that align up 100%. I think it's okay and healthy to allow for some healthy space and trust for each person to do their own thing, but you should still do and support some of each others' things as well. It's a healthy balance. You get aligned to another because you appreciate their similarities, but you learn to work with differences too.
Keep in mind life is complicated. Some people live in countries and/or within cultures were marriages are still arranged, or where people are afraid to go outside of their own bubble because it's all they know. Maybe for people who didn't have a choice, or where they feel that staying together is better than splitting apart because of finances, co-owning a home, etc. can also lead people to live more independent (social) lives.
I think part of the challenge in our relationship is that we don't have kids. Most people our age, who are married, have kids. So looking out at all the other relationships in view, it seems like they are more close knit and bonded. Everything revolves around their family unit. Everything doesn't revolve around our family unit. And that can be good and bad at times. Specifically now, it's been a struggle.
I think part of the challenge in our relationship is that we don't have kids. Most people our age, who are married, have kids. So looking out at all the other relationships in view, it seems like they are more close knit and bonded. Everything revolves around their family unit. Everything doesn't revolve around our family unit. And that can be good and bad at times. Specifically now, it's been a struggle.
If you have kids, this might solve or temporarily solve the problem. But then when the kids become independent, you end up in the same boat anyway. Or if you have a different problem where you hold the kid in too long or the kid becomes a problem because he/she can't afford to move out of the home from you.
If friends have kids, be open to doing kid things with them. Be willing to help out around the home with chores or such. Try to create positivity that reasonably works for their new situation but could work for you too, and it'll be an unintentional test to see if they people are really friends or only friends of convenience.
Also, appearances can be deceiving. They might be bonded, in public, but . . . .
I think part of the challenge in our relationship is that we don't have kids. Most people our age, who are married, have kids. So looking out at all the other relationships in view, it seems like they are more close knit and bonded. Everything revolves around their family unit. Everything doesn't revolve around our family unit. And that can be good and bad at times. Specifically now, it's been a struggle.
I can see that, but I can see the other side as well. We look at some of these couples with children and wonder what is going to happen to them in a few years. Seems everything is centered around the kids, but when you take the kids out of it, we wonder if some of them even like each other anymore. Are the kids what is holding them together?
My first marriage lasted over 20 years and we never had kids. (Got married at 21.) Our marriage was always just about the two of us. We were each other's best friends, with little room for anyone else, for most of that time. We did almost everything together. At some point around COVID, though, we started diverging. Nothing big - I was working out each day (at home) and did that normally right when I got home from work. Immediately, that meant I was just focusing on myself as soon as I walked in the door. I alternated between a short workout and walking. He would sometimes come with me while walking - should have been the first clue when I knew I enjoyed it better alone. And on some nights, he would go hunting for a few hours (wild hogs destroying the orchards). He also got into reloading, which took up a lot of time. He had a room at the house to do it, but that still separated us. Started out where I couldn't sleep if he was gone, had the tracking going the entire time, etc. Got to where I was okay with it and didn't mind him going. Should have been another red flag for me. Anyway - we had other issues, but we were also at a point where we could have kept going long-term and been fine. But I finally realized that I didn't want a roommate/fwb, even if I got along with them really well, and that's where this was headed. I basically spent some time making sure I could do everything I needed to do by myself and then I filed for divorce. He didn't want it, but agreed to it. We had a few bad moments, but most of it was amicable. We still get along and my parents still speak to him pretty often.
If you want to save your marriage, I'd caution to not fall into being roommates or having your happiness come from too external of a source from your relationship. I don't care about the sleeping situation. Some of the best years of my marriage were spent sleeping in different bedrooms. That's probably the only way either of us got any real sleep anyway.
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