Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Children do not necessarily have a right to know, but I think they deserve to know. But I wouldn't tell them everything until they are mature and emotionally prepared to hear the details.
As a child of divorced parents, I can tell you first hand that no matter how much I kept my mouth shut, I wanted to know.
Little tip: You could always slip it in if they've had a bad breakup. As a way to comfort them into realizing that life goes on, start of with, "Let me tell you a story..." Sounds corny, but I found it comforting.
Children do not need to know everything...but they do need to know that this divorce isn't because they did something wrong...and they need to know that mommie and daddy still love each other but in a different way. The transition of a divorce is very difficult on children, especially if the parents are two immature jerks and use the children to hurt each other. The healthier the divorce, the more mentally assured are the children. They need mom and dad to get along nicely, work things out, and most of all, they need to know, mom and dad aren't divorcing them, but each other.
Considering you believe they are safe with them NOW, I wouldn't under any circumstances tell this to children their age. Once they are old enough answering their questions truthfully is the right thing to do in my opinion but at this age, you will only hurt their relationship with their Father and as you say, he has full custody of them?
I would ask yourself would you want him to air your problems to the kids in retribution if you do it before you really should?
I believe in being honest with people but there are all kinds of adult things that should NOT be shared with children. One of my daughters friends is in constant anxiety that her Mother doesn't have enough money (in reality she does, she is a nurse and does VERY well). I hear all kinds of stories from my daughter where her friends parents have discussed things either WITH the child or in front of the child and they don't understand what is going on. They worry about it and it should never have been discussed in front of them.
Another one of her friends says all kinds of things about her Father that I can tell have been fed to her by her rather cooky Mother. THEN of course this man has visitation with him, it seems like she wanted them to hate their Father. How desperate must it feel for a child to HAVE to go on visitation with a man that they hate or fear?
I hope you are able to go and get a change in your custody arrangements. I understand that does happen. If there is a new child in their Fathers house however much they try, they might not be getting as much attention.
It depends on their age and even then, not necessarily....how does it benefit them to know the details?
I too am a firm believer that no child needs to know every aspect of their parents personal lives. Too many parents these days treat their kids like their friends - this is not a healthy position for a child to be in at all. Maybe when you're 40 you can be your mothers "friend" - but certainly not when you are 16.
i think that they do but i know what its like to grow up with a bad image of my father. maybe you should wait until they are a little older to tell them. as much as you may hate your ex, your children deserve a chance while they are still young to have a good relationship with their dad.
my little sister is 9 and my mom wont tell her what happened between them yet because she wants her to have a father. when your kids get older and you finally tell them what happened they will have so much more respect and love and will be so much more protective over you for waiting to tell them for their own happiness.
take it from experience, i have 200% more respect for my mom who kept some pretty crazy secrets from me to ease the heartache i was already going through with the thought of not having a normal, full family.
I have two sons 12 and 10 who live with their father. Currently, he is married to his second wife. He fathered a child with her before we were divorced. (During our 12 year marriage, he began an affair with her and she had two abortions prior to this third pregnancy).
Due my sons have a right, in the future, to know the true story behind the break up of my marriage with their father?
I would say no. What good would it do to tell them?
The fact of the matter is, they will, eventually be able to do the math and figure out that their half sibling was concieved before you and their father divorced.
If they ask, just tell them the divorce had nothing to do with them.
They've known their stepmom since 1999 so that transition was pretty smooth....I'm sure everything will come out years from now.
I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but if they ask I will not lie.
I agree with you. When they ask, and they will, tell them the truth. (BTDT)
You don't have to go into the details, but kids can spot a lie from a mile away and if you lie to your children you lose your credibility and their trust. Best wishes.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
