please tell me i'm right.....and she's wrong - or not. (wife, marriage)

[Linson]

okay, well, this is my first time posting in this forum, but i was hoping that maybe some of you ladies can tell me if i'm a jerk or if my wife is a jerk because she says that she doesnt see my point and it drives me up the wall.

so, it's my day off. i took her and my son out for breakfast. we did some grocery shopping and we both did a little work around the house. since it's my day off, i had to mow the grass. it takes almost two hours to do on a riding mower. i have about two acres to mow. i've been having really bad allergy problems with the late onset of spring particularly with my eyes. i mean, i get it bad. so i was going to cook dinner (pot roast) but by the time i was done with the grass and other repairs around the house, it was already 4:00. and the pot roast takes a long time to prepair. so i was going to take them to an Italian restaurant for dinner but our 3 year old was being a fussy brat because he didnt take a nap, and my allergies were acting up after cutting the grass, and i was in no mood to put up with a fussy kid at a restaurant, and in not much condition to drive. as i said, when i get it, i get it bad.

so i suggested that she go and pick up some burgers. she didnt want to go unless we all went. every little thing has to be a family outing. i told her i didnt feel like driving or much like even leaving the house. she said she still didnt want to go because the boy was being difficult. i told her to leave him with me. she said he'd cry. i said that would be my problem (he only acts that way with her - not with me).

so, i said we can order a pizza then. she agreed. by this time my eyes are extremely itchy, and watery. i'm all congested. im constantly blowing my nose and sneazing. i'm dizzy. i ask her if she can order the pizza. she refuses to order the pizza. i was upset by this but not suprised. we have had this stupid little arguement on other occasions during our 10 years of marriage. she never wants to make the call to order food. the thing is, English is my wifes second language. but her English is fine. she just is not comfortable enough in her own skin to do things like that. that's also why she has never had a job, i think.

five minutes later, after literally being unable to focus on the pages of the phone book, i told her that i needed her to find the phone number and order the pizza, and she did.

later we were both sitting in front of our computers. we have an office at the far end of the house where we each have desk tops and computer desks. the door bell rings - it's the pizza. i ask her to take care of it. she refuses. i said "**** it" and went and paid for the pizza. the only problem was, that my eyes were beat red and i looked like i just got sprayed in the face with pepper spray. and i was still dizzy and congested. basically there was no way i could answer the door and make the transaction without having to explain myself to the stranger at the door. and indeed i ended up having a two minute conversation with the delivery driver, a woman as it turned out, about how bad my allergies were which ended with her wishing me "good luck with that".

now here is where our personalities colide: she can never apologize. she can never admit that she is not perfect. she can never say that she is wrong. and she cannot handle even constructive critisism. if you criticize her in even a slight albeit constructive way and she completely shuts down on you. i am not venting. i am being completely literal.

i should have been a trial lawyer, not that i like to argue, but if i think that i know that i am right, and the other party is not making any sense, i just cannot let it go, until the other party sees the light and reverses their thinking. in fact, i have gotten infractions on this message board, mostly in the political discussions, for "badgering".

and so it went when i asked her why she refused to get the pizza, ya know with me being all visibly under the weather. aaaaand she did not see my point. she pointed to the fact that we both werent doing anything important at the time when the pizza came. i said, yeah, but i was visibly all suffering from something. my face was all messed up. and i could barely see. she then began to profess all of the things she does from day to day. cooking, cleaning, ect. i explained that it wasnt about keeping score, but about the situation at hand, one of us having there **** together and one of us blind, dizzy, with snot coming out of their eyes. now, to be candid and fair, i say "i explained" but i was yelling. not yelling like in a violent way, but yelling in a "what are you - crazy?!!" way.

this goes on (off and on) for like two hours. its ridiculous, i know. and if she's going to concede, she wont say, "yes, your right". she'll just say "okay". aaaand that dosnt stand up in my court so i always gotta keep it going. okay, what? okay she still doesnt get it. doesnt see my point at all. she's still talking about how hard her day has been and how i wanst too busy to answer the door. and all this talk about why do i care about what other people think - what do i care about what the pizza boy thinks. i explained that i dont think so little of my fellow human beings that i can answer the door looking like a zombie without at least feeling obligated to explain myself.

so now, i think i have figured out a way to break this down to her level. i tell her: imagine this. i'm dressed, showered and feelin' fine.

you are in your pajamas and your hair is all eskew. you clearly look as though you just woke up.

the doorbell rings and its the pizza boy.

which one of us should answer the door?

"yeah, i guess you", she says.

now do you see my point?

"okay"

okay, what?! it's a yes or no question. now do you see my point?


and she said "no."

i'm not sayin i'm a perfect person. and yeah, at that point i did ask her if she was retarded.

so she got up and left, and i stayed in the office and wrote this.

[moonsavvy]

Um, nope your wrong. Why? Because grandpa says that the key to a lasting relationship is to say. Yes Dear, Your right Dear, I'm sorry Dear.
And there ya go.

[Linson]

Originally Posted by moonsavvy

Um, nope your wrong. Why? Because grandpa says that the key to a lasting relationship is to say. Yes Dear, Your right Dear, I'm sorry Dear.
And there ya go.

oh, God. if only i could.

[moonsavvy]

Seriously, sorry about your allergies it sounds like you may have been worse off physically. I see your point, I really do, but it's more important to be happy then to be right. Look at how much energy it has taken up, pretty much the whole evening, no? If you are in love with her, don't let the small stuff tear you apart. It's really not worth it.

[Rance]

Fill a water ballon with ice cold water. Then throw it at her! If nothing else it will make "me" feel better!

[kelly237]

Yep..you are the jerk..now I will get a violation for being rude..
but you asked!!!!!

here is why...
if you were dying and unable to focus on the phone book
how could you then go spend time on the computer.
If you were so dizzy how did you have the strength to yell at her
for 2 hours.. In my opinion that is abusive and you should be man
enough to tell her you were stubborn and disrespectful.

[SmerkyGrl]

She's the jerk. She's being an unreasonable, bull-headed woman (Is she Asian? haha, we're known for that). But on the other hand---WHY are you not taking allergy medicine?


...and do you really care that much to be "right" in your marriage? Most people I know would rather be wrong and get along than be right. This isn't court. This is a partnership, buddy.

[Sgoldie]

In my opinion you were right that she should have answered the door for the pizza and done the ordering or gone out for the burgers as part of the partnership she signed on for. I don't know. Maybe she's never been sick and can't sympathize or maybe the kid was acting up which was equally challenging to her. As you said this happens all the time and by now I don't see what you can do other to accept it if she won't take things on.

However, being a hard headed dog who won't let go of the bone does nothing for either of you other than to make life unpleasant for everyone. Cut it out.

[The Man in SATX]

I really dont know if there is a right or wrong...

being married you are both supposed to be one team.. it doesnt sound like that is what is happening here..

You two do not play well together.. what are you doing still married? Sounds to me like both of you are hard headed and headed down the road to divorce.

I think she needs to step up and help out in those situations where you are feeling like that.. (did you even take medicine to help out your situation?) (and what the heck were you doing sitting in front of a computer if you were dizzy?)

I think you need to back off trying to be right all the time and relax and deal with your issues. Both of you all have issues.. work them out.. the end result should be you are a team trying to get the same goal accomplished. If you are trying to feed the family... then get the family fed without having world war 3. Yeah your gonna have to talk to her about it.. but I think you can probably do it without yelling or raising your voice.. I would definitely let her know she is not being a team player.. and for heavens sake.. apologize for raising your voice to her.. dont wait for her to apologize.. you already know she is not going to..

[Roselvr]

Originally Posted by Linson

i was going to take them to an Italian restaurant for dinner but our 3 year old was being a fussy brat because he didnt take a nap, and my allergies were acting up after cutting the grass, and i was in no mood to put up with a fussy kid at a restaurant, and in not much condition to drive. as i said, when i get it, i get it bad.

I don't understand the restaurant. I guess at some point it was suggested (by who?) but with the kid not napping & allergies you said forget it.

Originally Posted by Linson

so i suggested that she go and pick up some burgers. she didnt want to go unless we all went. every little thing has to be a family outing. i told her i didnt feel like driving or much like even leaving the house. she said she still didnt want to go because the boy was being difficult. i told her to leave him with me. she said he'd cry. i said that would be my problem (he only acts that way with her - not with me).

She's wrong here. She should have left the kid and got the burgers. Why does everyone have to go and she probably could use the small break from him. About the only reason I could see her not wanting to leave him is because he was cranky & maybe she doesn't like how you are with him when he's cranky.

Originally Posted by Linson

so, i said we can order a pizza then. she agreed. by this time my eyes are extremely itchy, and watery. i'm all congested. im constantly blowing my nose and sneazing. i'm dizzy. i ask her if she can order the pizza. she refuses to order the pizza. i was upset by this but not suprised. we have had this stupid little arguement on other occasions during our 10 years of marriage. she never wants to make the call to order food. the thing is, English is my wifes second language. but her English is fine. she just is not comfortable enough in her own skin to do things like that. that's also why she has never had a job, i think.

five minutes later, after literally being unable to focus on the pages of the phone book, i told her that i needed her to find the phone number and order the pizza, and she did.

You've been together 10 years? It appears it is you who usually calls to order take out, ok, no big deal. Sure she should do it some times too. I actually wonder if she has problem with an accent on the other end of the phone?

Anyway, why don't you have a menu?

Originally Posted by Linson

now here is where our personalities colide: she can never apologize. she can never admit that she is not perfect. she can never say that she is wrong. and she cannot handle even constructive critisism. if you criticize her in even a slight albeit constructive way and she completely shuts down on you. i am not venting. i am being completely literal.

I know people like this, you just deal with it. Has she been diagnosed?

Originally Posted by Linson

i should have been a trial lawyer, not that i like to argue, but if i think that i know that i am right, and the other party is not making any sense, i just cannot let it go, until the other party sees the light and reverses their thinking. in fact, i have gotten infractions on this message board, mostly in the political discussions, for "badgering".

I used to be like this, I hated not talking things out. Pretty hard to talk things out when the other person ignores you. Now I don't bother.

Originally Posted by Linson

and so it went when i asked her why she refused to get the pizza, ya know with me being all visibly under the weather. aaaaand she did not see my point. she pointed to the fact that we both werent doing anything important at the time when the pizza came. i said, yeah, but i was visibly all suffering from something. my face was all messed up. and i could barely see. she then began to profess all of the things she does from day to day. cooking, cleaning, ect. i explained that it wasnt about keeping score, but about the situation at hand, one of us having there **** together and one of us blind, dizzy, with snot coming out of their eyes. now, to be candid and fair, i say "i explained" but i was yelling. not yelling like in a violent way, but yelling in a "what are you - crazy?!!" way.

You said English is her 2nd language, it's possible that the way she was raised was the man does things like that and the woman does other things. Apparently it is you would should order take out and pick it up or pay for it.

I have to agree, if you were so bad, why weren't you laying on the couch and how did you even see the computer screen?

Originally Posted by Linson

this goes on (off and on) for like two hours. its ridiculous, i know. and if she's going to concede, she wont say, "yes, your right". she'll just say "okay". aaaand that dosnt stand up in my court so i always gotta keep it going. okay, what? okay she still doesnt get it. doesnt see my point at all. she's still talking about how hard her day has been and how i wanst too busy to answer the door. and all this talk about why do i care about what other people think - what do i care about what the pizza boy thinks. i explained that i dont think so little of my fellow human beings that i can answer the door looking like a zombie without at least feeling obligated to explain myself.

She doesn't want to argue with you which is why she says ok.

Originally Posted by Linson

i'm not sayin i'm a perfect person. and yeah, at that point i did ask her if she was retarded.

so she got up and left, and i stayed in the office and wrote this.

How have you guys stayed married for 10 years? lol

You're making a big thing out of nothing, seriously.
I have a bad back & use a cane. There are days when I not only order the pizza or Chinese food, but go & pick it up. Hard to use the cane when you're carrying hot pizza's.

While I'm sure it would be nice if she'd have some compassion for you & your allergies, she probably figured you weren't that bad since you were using the computer.

Marriage is a give & take. You have a 3 year old at home, your wife must be tired. I can tell you that being a stay at home mother is hard, I ended up going back to work at a plant nursery just to get a break. Think about it, she's a mother 24/7 while you go out & work & get days off.

When she's sick or not feeling well, do you stay home from work to care for the baby? Probably not. Mothers rarely get time off for allergies, or generally not feeling well. The only time I didn't get up was when I had the flu. If we can do it, so can men