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I have been dating someone for the past year. The first 6 months of this we were in the same state the last 6 months he temporarily relocated to another state for work. While we were in the same state we saw each other often enough but it wasn't like we saw each other every weekend. Since he's been in another state, it seems as if we've actually got closer. There was something about being away from each other that forced us to really get to know each other because all we could do is talk. We'd gotten into the habit of speaking every morning and most nights. He made trips back to see me and they were nice. I should mention that we said "I love you" to each other for the first time 6 months ago.
Well, we seem to have gotten even closer lately. Our conversations have gotten more intense and he's been very open about how much he cares for me. We were on the phone and he says that he wants to be with me forever and how much he loved me. Out of the blue he asks to marry me. I was stunned, and was quiet initially and when I finally responded I told him that he'd have to ask me again when he returned here (he's due to move back in August). I realize that probably didn't respond the way he wanted but I was really stunned. Neither he nor I ever mentioned marriage.
Here's the problem (for lack of a better word), even though I didn't answer the question, I was absolutely estastic for about 2 hours and then the fear came. I started to think about all the reasons I wouldn't make a good wife: I can barely cook, I'm lazy when it comes to housecleaning (so much so I hire someone to do it for me), I've picked up a few pounds. I just feel so insecure about not only knowing he wants to marry me, but when he returns home he's asked if he could move in with me.
It just seems so scary to me. I think part of it is that I'm in my mid thirties and I've never lived with a man before but a bigger part is that since he asked I've just become so insecure about myself. He's been in another state most of our relationship and while we know each other's personalities very well and get along great, have a lot in common. In short, he really is the perfect guy for me. Actually when I first met him, I knew that we'd be together, I've always know he was the one.
However, even knowing this doesn't stop the fear. Is it normal to be terrified after being proposed to? Since I didn't answer previously, I know when he returns he will and I'll follow my heart and say yes. But I'm wondering if this fear/insecurity I'm feeling is a warning I shouldn't.
Can someone please tell me if you felt this way when proposed to.
I think that you need to just take a deep breathe....and calm down.
You were took by surprise by his proposal. You are looking at all the negative things about yourself, that you feel would not make a good wife.
Things change....when you actually get married.... hopefully, its a 50/ 50 situation. A couple works together to make it work.
I think, personally, that if you feel he is the one, and that you are ready for marriage, say yes with a smile.... and make it happen.
If you feel that you have to many hesitations....your not ready.
I agree with yankeegirl post! Really good insight.
Could the fear be more so that since you are in your mid-thirties and have actually had a freedom and that is all going to change. You will be leaving that safe zone of your life into a whole different life style?
What I think is great is that your relationship has been an open and become a deep friendship for you two. Which is a big plus.
Just be you!! Don't be afraid!!! Look at all the wonderful days ahead...
From a mid-thirties man who soon will be proposing to his girlfriend who he knew for a year online before meeting in real life about a year ago:
I completely understand your concerns, but I'd be very surprised if these things are dealbreakers for him. The way to find out of course, is to tell him that these things are worrying you. My guess is he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you and isn't too concerned about your expertise as a cook or cleaner, or about a few pounds. My girlfriend had very similar concerns. And none of them mattered.
I would certainly talk to him about why you didn't answer him though. I wouldn't be surprised if all he heard was "no". To me, any response other than an immediate yes would indicate that she doesn't really want to marry me and would break my heart. Do make sure you're not just leaving him sitting there wondering, okay? Tell him what you're afraid of, what your concerns are, and give him a chance to work with you -- while at the same time putting his mind to ease.
*edit*
Hmmmm...."mid" thirties? Methinks I forgot how old I am! 37 is more late-thirties, no? Dang.
Thank you all for your insight, it's really appreciated. I don't know why I've just instantly become afraid. I think part of the problem for me is that I've been living by myself for so long that I'm having a hard time imagining having someone else here. Yankeegirl, I've always been sort of commitment phobic and I know that these fears stem from that. But I've been working through them since I've met him. I know they're there but I'm not sure what's "normal" and what's just my being afraid of making this change in my life. So Curly you're definitely right about that. But Tim, I didn't even consider that my response may have hurt his feelings. That would explain why I didn't hear from him yesterday. Ouch, i have a way of messing everything up Also what you said about dealbreakers makes complete sense to me. Besides, he already knows I can't cook. I'm just so split about this, even though I'd hope that the day he proposed would eventually come, I had no idea it would cause me to be so insecure. But I guess that's more about me, I have no idea where my fear of commitment came from (my parents were married 50 years) but I have it. But I'm also determined not to let them rule my decisions.
I think you both need to discuss what marriage means to you and what each of your expectations are. The fact that the proposal came out of the blue and your fear are signs to me that ya'll maybe need to talk about it. I would never say agree to marry someone when the subject had never been broached between us.
What does he expect of a wife? What do you expect of a husband? Do you want kids? Does he? Do the two of you have compatible financial styles? What are your plans for the future? Do either of you have credit issues that other will have to shoulder? etc etc. While I think romance is all well and good I think people shouldn't get caught up in the moment and ignore the basics.
I'm just putting that out there because I've had married girlfriends say "I thought he wanted kids but he doesn't" or "She refuses to help save to meet our financial goals" etc etc these are things that should have been on the table before marriage and IMO before accepting a proposal.
Thank you all for your insight, it's really appreciated. I don't know why I've just instantly become afraid. I think part of the problem for me is that I've been living by myself for so long that I'm having a hard time imagining having someone else here.
I lived alone for about 17 years before I met my husband. One of my reasons for not wanting to get married was that I didn't think I could handle being around someone all the time. My most frequent comment on marriage at the time was, "The only problem with marriage is that they're always there."
All that changed when I met my husband. Now I say that the best thing about marriage is that he's always here.
If your guy is right for you, it won't be a hardship having him around all the time. I strongly agree, though, that's it's really important for the two of you to talk about this. Explain your fears to him, and work through them together.
Also remember that getting engaged doesn't mean you have to get married the next day. Take your time - there's no hurry.
As far as not cooking and not liking to clean, here's a story that might help. One of my best friends told me that when she got married, she told her husband she could excel in one room of the house, and one room only. He got to pick which room.
He does the cooking, and they have a maid. You can figure out which room he picked.
I lived alone for about 17 years before I met my husband. One of my reasons for not wanting to get married was that I didn't think I could handle being around someone all the time. My most frequent comment on marriage at the time was, "The only problem with marriage is that they're always there."
All that changed when I met my husband. Now I say that the best thing about marriage is that he's always here.
Wow, I'm impressed! 17 years is a long time.
Quote:
One of my best friends told me that when she got married, she told her husband she could excel in one room of the house, and one room only. He got to pick which room.
He does the cooking, and they have a maid. You can figure out which room he picked.
As far as not cooking and not liking to clean, here's a story that might help. One of my best friends told me that when she got married, she told her husband she could excel in one room of the house, and one room only. He got to pick which room.
He does the cooking, and they have a maid. You can figure out which room he picked.
I love this!! During our conversations we've covered the baby issue (we both want), debt and plans for the future. What we haven't covered is marriage and what we expect from each other. Like I said I'm in my mid thirties and he'll turn 40 shortly. I know him to be mature, responsible and very sweet. I don't doubt him at all, as far as I'm concerned, he's the one. But even knowing that I still freaked out. I think I'm just missing the bride gene.
He'll be home soon and that's when we'll get all of that sorted out.
Doesn't sound like you're ready, give it some more time.
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Don't be afraid!!! Look at all the wonderful days ahead...
