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Now I get it... Sorry I didn't read your first post thoroughly enough. I do understand that since you run the family finances, you feel justified in getting angry/hurt that your husband didn't consult you before setting up this charitable contribution. Although it is still his money to do with as he pleases, I can see why you're upset.
It's kind of the way I felt when I told my dad to give my son some money that had been put away for him a long time ago, and my son promptly went out and bought a POS car that he has had to put a bunch of time and money into! While my situation is more extreme, the idea is the same.
So forget what I said before, please. You have every right to feel the way you do! Just don't carry it around with you forever.
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Originally Posted by foma
Thanks for the advice Sandy. Your response so far is the most direct opposite of mine with a well-argued, logical train of thought. I disagree with your points of view but respect it.
Out of curiousity, why do you see the money as "his money"? My perspective is that it's "our money". Sure he earned it but we're married and I view finances as a team effort. For example, I work, too, and all my money goes to savings. He took on the "breadwinner" role by default and I took on the "CFO" role by default. Does that mean that since I made the decision to save the money I earned that it all belongs to me? I'm interested in your point, specifically, regarding "taking his side" b'c you're a woman, I presume anyway, and it would be interesting to see a woman's point of view.
Thanks for yoru input. You are right, he's a grown man and has the right to make a decision but he didn't think it through. I should cut him some slack, I'm already resigned to this idea, but I'm still pissed that he made a financial decision without consulting the "CFO". To me, continuing the business analogy, that is a bad business decision. I will side with "harmony" but he better meet me in the middle!!
Foma, I think I know what it is.....it's not really about the $$, it's that he made the decision without consulting you.
The finances are like YOUR garden...you take care of it, nurture it and watch it grow.
Now he comes along and wants to plant something without asking you 1st. It doesn't matter what it is...heck it might even be a beneficial addition but he just planted it without asking.
...
Except for the fact that he's been contributing to this little metaphorical garden. He shouldn't have to ask to pick some of the fruit.
Everyone brougt up good points and let me just say, thanks for all the advice. I may not agree with all of you and I think some even misunderstood me but nonetheless, all of your advice was taken into consideration.
MIKEETC, you made an excellent point and I also brought that up but part of the problem is DH isn't even considering this compromise and that bugs me. Also, I liked your methapher-to-the-metaphor example!
Sandy, you're absolutely right, I shouldn't carry this forever and honestly, I do have that problem at times. It's a trait I personally do not like about myself and I am trying to improve on it.
I think when the time comes, we will revisit this again. I will try to convince him to meet me in the middle. If he is still adamant, so be it. It's not like, as one person put it, he's giving the money to a hooker named Charity but rather to charitable organizations. Even though I'm still pissed he didn't consult me about this first, I shouldn't "punish" the organizations for his "mistake".
Foma, I think you're being a little too controlling by expecting your husband to check with you on this. Apparently, you have known for awhile that philanthropy is important to him, and you acknowledge that $80 a month won't break your bank. He's also showing some sound judgement by choosing to increase his charitable donations when he gets a raise. That's the best time to commit new funds somewhere. This would be a different situation if he wanted to donate an amount that would lead to sacrfices somewhere. It would be presumptous of him not to clear this with you -- if say, he was asking you to cut back on trips to Italy and just expected you to make it happen with no discussion. If you're already enjoying some of life's extras, why not give back a little? I think you should accept his habit of giving money to charity (there are much worse habits out there), expect him to increase it as time goes on and trust that his genorous and open nature will pay dividends many times over.
I seems to be the consensus that I sound like the bad guy even if I admit that I sound like the bad guy!!
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Originally Posted by WestCobb
He's also showing some sound judgement by choosing to increase his charitable donations when he gets a raise. That's the best time to commit new funds somewhere.
I see it differently than you. It's like he's the CEO and I'm the CFO of a corporation. It would be prudent of the CEO to consult the CFO in a business decision. Granted, and i've already admitted this and you have acknowledged, it's not a substantial amount of money but I also admitted in my post it wasn't about the money. I'm mostly upset because it felt like he didn't even consider me into a decision. I ALWAYS consider his opinions in a financial decision.
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This would be a different situation if he wanted to donate an amount that would lead to sacrfices somewhere.
The way my logic works is that I will make sacrifices elsewhere, regardless if I have to. I am a firm believer that when one gets a raise, you should always live within your means as if you never got the raise and save the amount that was "raised". Again, that goes back to "how I always consider his opinions in financial decisions and I was upset because I felt like he never considers my opinions". This isn't the first time he's just "agreed" to something that costs money without consulting me, the person who he has entrusted his monthly salary to.
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It would be presumptous of him not to clear this with you -- if say, he was asking you to cut back on trips to Italy and just expected you to make it happen with no discussion.
Okay, this is the interesting part of your post. Do I know you or was this remark just a coincedence? I won't say much more than that because I'm a little freaked out.
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If you're already enjoying some of life's extras, why not give back a little?
I constantly worry about money. That's just me. Him not so much. We're saving for a house, decorating the new house (we have very little furniture so I expect a substantial burden in this area), having a child, retirement, paying off our student loans ($50,000) and just the mechanical, day-to-day bills of paying the house. He never has to see any of this; I see it every day and it can get burdensome.
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I think you should accept his habit of giving money to charity (there are much worse habits out there), expect him to increase it as time goes on and trust that his genorous and open nature will pay dividends many times over.
I more than agree with you that charity is a good thing but going from $0 to $80 is an extremely big shock for someone with my personality on money.
I'm more than willing to but he won't and I'm very bothered by that! I have no idea what he won't compromise! At least until I'm used to the whole thing! grrrr
Foma, do you feel like "the bad guy" or do you feel like your husband's keeper/mother? I've heard a lot of women complaining of this lately, and a lot of what you're saying (the nagging, the responsibilities, etc) sound the same.
Foma, do you feel like "the bad guy" or do you feel like your husband's keeper/mother? I've heard a lot of women complaining of this lately, and a lot of what you're saying (the nagging, the responsibilities, etc) sound the same.
You are right on both accounts. "I feel like the bad guy" refers to this fight specifically and to other fights in general. I also do nag a lot. Some things are justifiable but most things I can probably just "let it go". I'm very self-aware of this and I hate that about myself. I'm comfortable enough with my husband that we can talk about my "nagging problem" pretty openly. He's really cool about it all and I try extremely hard not to nag. I'm sure husbands are rolling their eyes right now reading this but I have improved. I swear! Yes, I am one of those wives but in the same respect, he's one of those husbands that you have to constantly remind to take the trash out, leaves things all over the house, doesn't pick up after himself, what have you.
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