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I work as a pilot and travel for a living. I’m currently on a long trip (7 days) to a fairly tropical location ... while home is cold, and rainy. In conversation, my wife had said that she feels “unsupported, as usual when I’m on a long trip.” She overwhelmed with the kids, and the home, and all the kids activities plus her own work schedule (I can completely understand it)
When in conversation with a friend, it was mentioned that he thinks I “do way to much when I’m home, which makes it more difficult for her to handle when I’m gone.” Got me wondering if that’s true.
The side effect of traveling for work, is considerable time off. Over the last 3 years in this job, I’ve averaged about 9-10 days of work, per month. The majority of these days are not long trips, simple out and backs surrounding normal business hours 6am-6pm. And a couple times a year, I’ll go away for 6-10 days at a time...while other months, I’ve worked as little as 3 days.
As a result of this, when I’m home, I normally: take the kids to school, clean the kitchen and living room, put away kids laundry, wash my laundry vacuum (roomba, but I do have to clean it), grocery shop, walk the dog, do some work for my side hustle business, exercise, prep and cook dinner, clean up after dinner, etc. I also maintain the vehicles (oil changes and routine maintenance) plus fix anything that needs addressing in the home.
My wife works part time, so we often overlap at home a couple days a week. She spends most of her time dung her own work for her career, helping kids with homework, doing her laundry and their laundry, and staying on top of the kids overcrowded schedule.
So, from what I’ve said, do any of you think what I do around the home when I am home, contributes to my wife feeling overwhelmed while I’m gone?
When in conversation with a friend, it was mentioned that he thinks I “do way to much when I’m home, which makes it more difficult for her to handle when I’m gone.” Got me wondering if that’s true.
If your wife feels overwhelmed taking care of everything when you're out of town, the answer is not for you to do less parenting when you're home, it's to get her some help when you're away. How old are your kids? Do they have regular chores?
When in conversation with a friend, it was mentioned that he thinks I “do way to much when I’m home, which makes it more difficult for her to handle when I’m gone.” Got me wondering if that’s true.
As in ... you should do less in order to retrain her to get used to the amount of work that's not done when you're gone?? hahahahahahahahahahaha
OP I remember your previous threads about your wife, and you started one about this general topic about a year ago, how she freaks out when you're out of town. Have y'all not made ANY progress in that year?
Abrupt or drastic changes can be overwhelming to someone who has gotten in to a routine or schedule.
It adds additional stress on on top of stress trying to keep up with everything PLUS the new changes being introduced in to the mix.
That said...don’t worry what your friend said. Worry about what you wife is saying.
Last edited by rego00123; 02-25-2020 at 11:35 AM..
We have house cleaners who come but the process of cleaning up in prep for them to show up often does add to the stress.
Will have to discuss the nanny situation, but we have several retired grandparents within earshot. It’s mean bothering them less, but don’t know if it’d help at home or not...but maybe.
Birdie, lol. Yea, it’s probably been a year cause I hadn’t had a long out of town trip in that amount of time. Lol. This is about the time of our annual week long excursion, little earlier a couple years ago. So...
If ya remember the other threads, we did seek some marriage counseling, and we both had some individual counseling as well. I think there was SOME progress made, but in convo today she mentioned that we should probably go back. So, I’m gonna go ahead and schedule another session.
Either way, there have been some improvements, but things are far from perfect (are they ever?) and I assume that means there’s not a reset button where she fixes me dinner every night, wearing high heels, a sun dress, and pearls?
Either way, there have been some improvements, but things are far from perfect (are they ever?) and I assume that means there’s not a reset button where she fixes me dinner every night, wearing high heels, a sun dress, and pearls?
Only if you wake her up with coffee and a kiss, don't call it "babysitting" when you're in charge of the kids, and take the initiative to schedule and plan regular date nights.
It sounds like your wife has a serious anxiety problem, which I know from experience is no joke. Schedule the counseling ASAP and encourage her to resume her individual counseling if she isn't already doing that.
We have house cleaners who come but the process of cleaning up in prep for them to show up often does add to the stress.
This jumped out at me. You have a cleaning service, but your wife still stresses out when she's alone for a week or 10 days, maybe twice/year? Why is the cleaner not doing the laundry along with other cleaning? Also--how many kids do you have? How many is she trying to cart around to activities and doctor/dentist appointments, etc.?
The house is such a mess, that she feels the need to tidy up for the cleaners? Why would that be? How old are these kids? They don't pick up after themselves? Are they allowed to scatter toys or clothes or whatever, all over the house? If so, why? Even a small child can understand that toys are to be played with in their bedroom. And slightly older kids can be told to tidy their own room before cleaning day.
I'm thinking, maybe part of the problem is a failure of the parents to delegate reasonable chores to the kids, and to maintain a tidy home throughout the course of each week. Or maybe there's more to the story that you haven't told us.
She deserves to find her own way to adapt. Sorry but I don't coddle an adult that has known for years what the transitions involve. Sounds to me that you are doing FAR more in hindering her ability to grow in fluid changes. By fluid changes I mean those times where you are physically away.
Aren't you also having to do your part in adapting to your work and being away from home ? That carries it's own set of "adulting".
I recommend that she learn to be independent when you are gone and inter dependent when you both are home attending to spouse/parent roles.
I would have not learned how to cut the grass if my hubby just paid a service. Or paid to have a housekeeper ....I learned by doing. I would hope my spouse could be at ease that while he is gone that I can make do....and yes sometimes learn some new skills if need be. Just something to think about..
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