I have a rotten DIL (happy family, betrayed, seperated, attraction)

[cremebrulee]

Braunwyn
Good luck to you. Maybe she'll come around someday

I'm very sorry your experiencing this with the inlaws...it certainly puts one's life in disarray...doesn't it.

Thanks for your well wishes, but I doubt that very much.
My DIL is only concerned for herself...she is very very expensive to keep and she is only concerned with herself and results.

When they lived at home here for a year, I believe she worked b/c she was embarrassed...everyone here works...but when they moved back home, she hasn't worked but a few hours a week as a spritzer girl...she loves dressing up for the attention...and she is a knock out but she needs to have the best clothing...makeup, etc. Neman Marcus...Macy's...

My son is a cop...I suppose working 3 jobs was not enough so he signed on with a subcontractor and is now working in Afghanistan...the money is very good...and I believe due to her charging habits...he had to do something.

Can you imagine, you don't work, and allowing your husband to work 3 jobs...he has no hobbies, does nothing for himself, just keeps working to pay bills???????? And she allows it? I believe she has him convinced, that he must do that in order to keep her...

Then your husband comes to you and says, I'm going over to Afghanastan to work? Wouldn't you say, before you do that, I'm going to get a full time job? No, he told me, when I asked him how she felt about it...that she was against it, until she found out how much he'd be making??????
What a you know what?????? She's perfectly fine as long as he's working his arse off putting his life on the line, to pay her bills.

And I gotta ask myself, what the heck is wrong with him...why has he sold himself and his family down the river for this woman? One day, he will wake up and have nothing, nothing to show for himself.

I believe he's doing it, b/c his father did it...his father is a very passive good man, but is also married to a woman like my DIL....my son saw him take it, and deems this normal.

I have bowed out...I do have contact with my son, but could care less about my DIL any longer...after she sent back the birthday card and money I sent for her for her birthday, I'm done...someday, she will reap what she has sewn, in this life...

I just cannot believe, my son, choose someone so cruel, unthinking and dysfunctional for a wife. It' boggles my mind how a human being can hurt so many people, including her own daughter and husband, b/c she's so selfish and narcissistic.

His friends have told me that he was always attracted to the beautiful girls in school...and that's ok, but to marry someone this controlling and high maintenance is beyond my comprehension. ONe of his friends told me, he is just to nice of a guy..he always was...he told my son, not to marry her...

she is an emotional vampire...and is draining him of himself...when we talk, there is no emotion in his voice...he's doesn't get excited, he doesn't smile much, and he doesn't grasp it when you make a joke...I believe he's tired, frustrated and mixed up...he loves her dearly and she takes advantage of that...but...he allows her to...

I think he's afraid she'll leave him if he doesn't provide for her.

Her mother was just like that...always looking for someone to provide for her expensive tastes...

When they lived at home, and she worked, I watched my GD every weekend...now that they have moved away, I haven't seen her for 3 years...and they were home twice...

I don't care how angry you are at someone, you don't hurt them like this...just b/c your so immature, you fear the attention your husband gives to his mother...do you know it drives her nuts, when he's talking to me about his job...in order to reverse the attention back to herself, she gets up and walks out of a resturant, leaving us all sit there, including her child, b/c she is so jealous of the fact that he's talking to me...?????????? Unbelievable...and the worst part is, he doesn't see it.

He excuses everything she does...even when she thows away clothing I've sent to my Grand daughter...

He is constantly making excuses for her behavior...and his father feels the same way...but never says a word to him...why? Because he told me right out, they fear her doing the same thing to them, and he told me it would kill him to not have a relationship with his son, and grand daughter.....

I'm just venting/angry...there is nothing that can be done...it is what it is....
it used to bother me, that she hated me so much...but now...pssst, who the heck cares...what I care about is, how she is so using my son...what a vixon...and what does he love about her?

Why does a man or woman give up who they are for a spouce like this? Why in the world would you deem this normal behavior...why would you simply toss away, all that was you, for someone who uses you? Who is so unappreciative...so, manipulative...so much so, that she dictates his life for him, tells him how to think and feel? What is wrong with him? With people who compromise they're identities for someone so manipulative and controlling?

The best clothes in the world, the best hairdo, and diamonds, doesn't make her a beautiful person. I will tell you this...she used to be, to me, very beautiful....but I can't see any beauty any more...when I see her and that fake smile of hers...it makes me sick to my stomach...
what an evil woman...and look at the lives she's ruined? Not to mention her own daughters...

It is very true, that we parrot our parents and dysfunction, breeds dysfunction...just like welfare, breeds welfare...unless a person can admit to themselves, that they're parents were wrong, which in turn has reflected they're character and personal beliefs...and gets help...the patterns that abuse projects will continue...as well as the patterns of drug abuse and alcholism...this is what a lack of moral education produces...along with a lack of knowledge and realization, that however we think and feels, and act out, effects the lives of so many others...most of all, our children.

I read once, in the Bible, the sins of the father fall on the son...and it is so true...whatever we do or don't do, as parents...our children become.

[cremebrulee]

A while back there were 10 civilians killed over there...and hadn't heard from him for 3 days...they're computers were down...couldn't sleep and was so worried...a friend and high up at work called me into his office...
I told him what was going on...and said, my only saving grace is the hopes that he gets over there and shares stories with other men...and realizes that he is in a very dysfunctional marriage and starts putting his foot down...he said to me..."Yes, you would hope that happens, but it could work the other way...he could be serving over there with other men, who are in the same position...who are in dysfunctional marriages and a part of them, which is in denial...are over there not just for the money, but to get away from they're wives". I hadn't thought of that.

He told me that a close friend of theirs was in the same kind of marriage...that the woman was just like my DIL...and it took years of counseling for him to get back to who he was...he told me, it's a very slow process of conditioning...and the longer your with them, the more damage they do...they actually take from you, all that was you, your thoughts, feelings, and he told me, he wouldn't be at all surprised if my son is scared to death that she will leave him...

again...it's his life, I'm just so angry at this situation....you cannot imagine until it happens to your child...never ever did I think this would happen to our lives.

his father has written me, and he to is very disgusted with it...but keeps saying....he loves her....what does he love about her...she has taken his life from him...how is that love?

I know and see how other DIL's are, I was a DIL once myself....and I just cannot fathom all of this...love is not driving a wedge between your spouce and a family member. You may not agree with them, and you don't have to like them, but to purposely drive a wedge between them, is unthinkable.

When I see MIL's who love and get along with they're DIL's, it really drives things home...not to mention, this is VERY embarrassing...that he, my son, would accept so little.

I believe we as parents, are detached from the world, we grow up in a good family, a family who are close and get along...and we forget to teach our children as they're growing up the dangers of choosing a dysfunctional spouse. We are not aware of it, unless it happens to us...

we teach our children manners, to go to church, about rules which are supposed to be respected while in the house of someone else...we teach them that not everyone's rules are the same, but while visiting others, we must adhere to their rules...

but, we forget about teaching them, the importance of choosing a good spouse.

The friend and director at work, whom I spoke with about this, told me, that they are already teaching they're children b/c they saw what happened to their friend...they are teaching them about dysfunctional people, and he said it already surprises he and his wife, how they're children are aware of the dysfunctions in others they're age...he said, "my daughter could marry someone like your DIL, or my son could...and we feel this is very important to do as a parent, as part of their education...we've already explained to them, how parents pass they're dysfunctions down to their children...and not all children are raised alike...and how if a child is raised with abuse, selfishness....the children may grow up to be the same way, and it's very important to observe other people...how they talk, how they feel about they're parents...how they talk about their parents, is there little respect...is there very little confidence...and to teach them that a spouce needs to have the same goals, the same feelings about morals and views...and the only way you find this out, is to sit back and observe...be wise about your choices...

He explained that they are also teaching them to be independent, so neither of them feel like they need to be married to be productive, or taken care of....a lot of people get married b/c society dictates that you have to be married to be successful...and they are also teaching them, that love is not a fairy tale, and no one is a prince charming...or princess...and making someone else happy is NOT YOUR JOB.

I think they are very wise parents...and I wish so, when my son was younger I'd have seen this coming. We lived such a sheltered life...never did we ever think that people out there could be so cruel...

[Braunwyn]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

Thanks for your well wishes, but I doubt that very much.
My DIL is only concerned for herself...she is very very expensive to keep and she is only concerned with herself and results.

When they lived at home here for a year, I believe she worked b/c she was embarrassed...everyone here works...but when they moved back home, she hasn't worked but a few hours a week as a spritzer girl...she loves dressing up for the attention...and she is a knock out but she needs to have the best clothing...makeup, etc. Neman Marcus...Macy's...

My son is a cop...I suppose working 3 jobs was not enough so he signed on with a subcontractor and is now working in Afghanistan...the money is very good...and I believe due to her charging habits...he had to do something.

Can you imagine, you don't work, and allowing your husband to work 3 jobs...he has no hobbies, does nothing for himself, just keeps working to pay bills???????? And she allows it? I believe she has him convinced, that he must do that in order to keep her...

It's hard to imagine. To start, I would not allow my dh to go to Afghanistan, especially for money. Call me a controlling wife! But, no way. Perhaps if he had a burning desire to help others, but to pay for a standard of living? It's unthinkable.

I believe he's doing it, b/c his father did it...his father is a very passive good man, but is also married to a woman like my DIL....my son saw him take it, and deems this normal.

I have bowed out...I do have contact with my son, but could care less about my DIL any longer...after she sent back the birthday card and money I sent for her for her birthday, I'm done...someday, she will reap what she has sewn, in this life...

Well, I still don't think you should be done with her; not if you want to keep your relationship with your son developing. And what if they have kids?

Your DIL reminds me of my step-mother. She's a big spender. My dad cashed in his pension to pay her CC debt. Dumb! We haven't spoken in years, but I'm still trying to keep the peace. I haven't seen my little brother in years over the mess with her. They didn't go to my wedding. But, I asked to attend my brothers graduation this spring, and they said yes. I'm looking into the future. All my little brother has is his mother, who is obese with heart problems and his 80 something yr old grandmother. If I don't try to cultivate a relationship with him, he'll end up with no family in the years to come. So, I'm trying to do what I can. She's a nut, tho.

When they lived at home, and she worked, I watched my GD every weekend...now that they have moved away, I haven't seen her for 3 years...and they were home twice...

Oh, they do have kids. That's why a relationship with her matters.

I read once, in the Bible, the sins of the father fall on the son...and it is so true...whatever we do or don't do, as parents...our children become.

So true. I remember hearing in a psych class once IRT mothers and daughters- a correlation was found that if a mother has low self-esteem, even if she treats her daughter well, it's likely the daughter will end up with similar esteem issues.

[Rakin]

Without admitting it, he may be going overseas to escape her also.

Too bad for any kids, they sure need a more stable person in their life. Hopefully they can come stay with you on occasion.

[sskkc]

My dh was raised in varying degrees by three women - his paternal grandmother, his mother and his stepmom.

Grandma passed away a few years before he was born. I honor her memory in every way I can - by displaying his photos and keepsakes of her and naming our youngest after her.

His stepmother and I got off to a rocky start - she didn't like me. This was for religious reasons. I continued to work on the relationship despite her very obvious disapproval and snide comments. It took about 6 years, but now we get along very well. (DH and I have been married for 11 years, together for 1 year prior to that)

His mom appeared to accept me from the start - very welcoming and warm. Then about 4 years ago, his much younger sister decided to use me as a scapegoat/diversion for her outrageous behavior. It has since been revealed, but the relationships have been damaged irrevocably.

When it all 'fell out', my dh called his mother and asked her to talk it out with me. He told her (rightfully) that he'd NEVER asked her for ANYTHING, but that this was VERY important to him. She told him that she would CALL the next night (Thursday).

We heard nothing for 3 days.

Monday night, just before going to bed, I got an email from her. Nasty, mean, accusatory. Hypocritical and untrue. I responded to each of her accusations via email and didn't take the high road with everything. I also did not go as far as she and I BOTH know I could have (when dh was out to sea, his mother and I spent HOURS on the phone - she made me her confidant and told me things no one else knew). Along with her other accusations and insults, she said that I was "keeping her" from having a relationship with HER SON and HER GRANDCHILDREN. It was a shock. I was the ONLY reason she had any kind of relationship with them AT ALL. I stated then that I would "get out of the way". That she could deal/talk with them directly and if she wanted to see the kids, SHE would have to put out the effort, make the plans and call HER SON.

She hasn't seen the kids since. She & HER SON speak about twice a year. Despite saying I wouldn't, I do make him call on her birthday. I don't force him to send photos. So he hasn't. Her birthday was a few weeks away when this started. I bought the gifts & card, had him & the kids sign it, wrapped them, boxed them up, labeled the box. I told him HE could mail it. He donated it to charity when we moved from CO to TX this past summer. I've made him call and let her know when we visit CA.

That side of his extended family refuses to speak to or acknowledge me. They buy into her "poor, pitiful Pearl" routine. They send Christmas cards, addressed to dh and the children by name - to make sure I know it's not for me.

He hasn't spoken to most of them since his mom sent that email. He is angry and insulted by their actions.

Despite their belief that I changed my dh, the fact is that I did not. And he doesn't want to speak to his mother - he knows that I am NOT guilty of what his sister accused me of and he was very hurt that she did not call me as she said she would, and after what she said about me as a mother - well, he's the one that knows the true hypocrisy that lies in her statements.

In my response all those years ago, I told her that I would be willing to talk when SHE was willing to discuss her daughter's venomous lies and ready to apologize for the accusations she made (mom made). We know through the grapevine that the daughter's been "caught out" in everything. But still our phone is silent - and through all our moves, it has been ME who sends her our new phone numbers/addresses via email. So I know she has them.

A year or so ago, my daugher asked who the woman in the picture (on the wall) with Daddy was. I told her it was one of her grandmothers. Neither child remembers her. I'm sure she'll think that's MY fault too, but the fact remains that I hung her photo up on the wall and that she has never called the children either or asked to speak to one of them when DH calls her for her birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving or Mother's Day.

In my letter to her, I reminded her that as part of his proposal, my dh stressed that he would take his wedding vows seriously and ALWAYS put me before all others ("Forsaking all others"). For those who know us, they've heard the explanation from him. Why she thought that he would side against his wife, who had done nothing wrong, who had maintained relationships with his entire family (mom's side, dad's side, grandmother, 100s of aunts, uncles, cousins, 4 siblings) despite the disapproval of some of them and the out and out hostility of others (there was another girl they wanted him to marry - an old family friend), despite everything they said and did to make sure I knew I was not welcomed... well, it shows that she did not know him at all.

After that first Christmas with all the envelopes addressed to the other three, I handed my dh an address book with all of their names, phone numbers and addresses, email addresses and told him he was welcome to have contact with any of them he wanted to - but that I was "done" keeping those contacts alive. He threw it away. I didn't keep a backup. That was the larger side of his extended family. At first, all the extra time I had NOT corresponding with them was depressing, but now it's freeing!

Every once in awhile, he'll get an email from someone asking if he's "truly happy" in his marriage and if "he needs help, he just needs to reach out". Oh puh-leez! He doesn't respond. At first, his mom would remind him during one of the 4 calls he makes to her each year that he "should call" this relative or that one because "they've been SO worried about you and the children".

Don't worry! He's happy! I think I miss his mother and sister more than HE does - I enjoyed our relationship and was sad to find out that they were "just playing along" for HIS sake. That was hurtful. I won't fall for it again.

BTW - I'm a sahm. Have been since I was 7 months pregnant with ds. It was a choice we made together, though we have relatives who don't approve because I had a fairly well paying career before the kids. But the night WE MET! I told him that I wanted to be a sahm and that was one of the reasons he asked me out! He takes PRIDE in being able to support his family and would be INSULTED if I got a job. It blows my mind that people that supposedly "know him" don't know this about him! - It's another story he LOVES to tell!

[mag32gie]

I haven't read all of the replys but would like to say that I really know what you are going through but HANG IN THERE because it happened to me too and it finally got better!!!
They have been married for 15 years now, the first 3 she seemed to like me very much but when they started having trouble in their marriage, everything started to be all my fault.
I can honestly say I never interferred in the marriage until the 5 year mark when my son came over to tell me she was pregnant with somebody elses baby!!! (My son had cancer when young and because of treatments can't have children)..
She did know this when they married though.
My response at first was wild with anger for my son's hurt and also for the baby that they had just adopted because when she got pregnant, she left them both and moved in with her baby's father.
But to make a long story short, my son took her back and I encouraged him to.
Our family is the type to get mad but not stay mad long and this is how it was dealt with.
To tell you the truth I was SO HAPPY when he took her back and SO HAPPY to be a grandmother again when the new baby was born. As far as I was concerned it was water under the bridge and my son accepted his role as a complete father and complete husband. They even renewed their marriage vows and everybody was SO happy. BUT then she started to HATE me and I really mean HATE! That went on for years, EVERYTHING was my fault and it was so wrong because in my heart I knew that I had no bad feelings against her at all..
She would turn everything that I did or said into something negative against her and the truth was that I loved her and even understood why she had the affair to begin with. She was depressed because even though they adopted a baby, she wanted her own child.
So for years my son worked his b u t t off while she stayed home too, only called me every now and then and broke our bond that we always had.
Yes, it does hurt but when I look back, I think our bond was so strong that she was very jealous and just couldn't handle it even though their was nothing negative about her. She just wanted him all to herself and I was the enemy that he loved too.
Everybody has their faults and I guess the DIL sees the MIL's and vice versa, some are kind about them while others are not.
I reached a breaking point finally and told her that she has 2 sons and will one day have 2 DIL's...I told her that she had better HOPE AND PRAY that her DIL's are not like MINE because if they are, she will NEVER see her SONS or her grandchildren!!!
Guess what?
That was the beginning of her changing towards me.
The lesson I learned in this was this..
if you have any advice at all for them, say it to both of them at the same time.
Try to picture your DIL as your very own daughter and forgive her like you would your son.
Let go but always be there.
Remind her that one day she will be the MIL, lol, because she will be!

[cremebrulee]

Braunwyn It's hard to imagine. To start, I would not allow my dh to go to Afghanistan, especially for money. Call me a controlling wife! But, no way. Perhaps if he had a burning desire to help others, but to pay for a standard of living? It's unthinkable.

You are not controlling for feeling that way, and I believe most women would feel the way you and I do. I'd work two jobs if I had to, to keep my husband from going to Afghanistan. When I used to visit them, they live a plane ride away...she seemed so detached and didn't care about his career, as long as he brought in the money, that's all she ever cares about. She blatenly doesn't care...it's all about her, her gains, her wants, her needs and as long as he provides for her, what does she care what he does. I believe that is why she gets so jealous when he talks to me about his job...1st she's not getting HIS attention, and 2nd...she doesn't understand or care why he would want to discuss something so trivial.

Well, I still don't think you should be done with her; not if you want to keep your relationship with your son developing. And what if they have kids?

I have told my son, regardless how I feel, the door is always open to them, but I refuse to try any longer, and if she would come visit, I would be nice to her. But she has been so rude and condiscending to me, and she does it to let me know, that I am not welcome. I've never had words with her...I refuse to allow her to get me into a cat fight.

Your DIL reminds me of my step-mother. She's a big spender. My dad cashed in his pension to pay her CC debt. Dumb! We haven't spoken in years, but I'm still trying to keep the peace. I haven't seen my little brother in years over the mess with her. They didn't go to my wedding. But, I asked to attend my brothers graduation this spring, and they said yes. I'm looking into the future. All my little brother has is his mother, who is obese with heart problems and his 80 something yr old grandmother. If I don't try to cultivate a relationship with him, he'll end up with no family in the years to come. So, I'm trying to do what I can. She's a nut, tho.

I'm glad you do and can...it's the right thing to do....

Oh, they do have kids. That's why a relationship with her matters.

yes, I agree, but in my case, she has made it a personal journey to keep me out of their lives...a long long time ago...she said to me on the phone, "YOU are all DH and his friends talk about". She will never change her mind...she fears their love for me....

So true. I remember hearing in a psych class once IRT mothers and daughters- a correlation was found that if a mother has low self-esteem, even if she treats her daughter well, it's likely the daughter will end up with similar esteem issues.

Her mother made a living out of marrying rich men, divorcing them and taking them for everything she could get. She has never ever had to work a day in her life. When she got older and her looks were failing...she married for the last time, I hope, to a very well to do man...

[cremebrulee]

sskkc My dh was raised in varying degrees by three women - his paternal grandmother, his mother and his stepmom.

Personally, I feel it's good for children to have several different role models in their lives, as far as relative....unfortunatly...my DIL won't allow that...she wants to be the only one to give to her and control her.

Grandma passed away a few years before he was born. I honor her memory in every way I can - by displaying his photos and keepsakes of her and naming our youngest after her.

That is a very nice thing to do, Bravo to you! It means your normal and you understand the importance of parental influences in your husband's life. It also proves that you realize, your husband would not be, if it hadn't been for the women in his life who raised him. It's a very normal kind and loving thing for you to do.

When my son and his wife, first got married, she being a photo buff...I found it strange...that she had pictures of the entire family hanging on the wall, even his father, step mother....but none anywhere of me. That spoke volumns. I had they're wedding picture and other pictures of them displayed....no matter how mean she was to me.

His stepmother and I got off to a rocky start - she didn't like me. This was for religious reasons. I continued to work on the relationship despite her very obvious disapproval and snide comments. It took about 6 years, but now we get along very well. (DH and I have been married for 11 years, together for 1 year prior to that)

Sometimes things happen between women, they just don't click...you don't have to like each other, but for everyone's sake, you can be decent to each other...I'm glad it all worked out...otherwise, she would be the looser.

His mom appeared to accept me from the start - very welcoming and warm. Then about 4 years ago, his much younger sister decided to use me as a scapegoat/diversion for her outrageous behavior. It has since been revealed, but the relationships have been damaged irrevocably

yes, I do know what you mean and how you feel...you can never trust that person again...plus the hurt they've caused sometimes is beyond repair....

When it all 'fell out', my dh called his mother and asked her to talk it out with me. He told her (rightfully) that he'd NEVER asked her for ANYTHING, but that this was VERY important to him. She told him that she would CALL the next night (Thursday).

And a very wise thing for him to do....and for him to tell his mother....

Monday night, just before going to bed, I got an email from her. Nasty, mean, accusatory. Hypocritical and untrue. I responded to each of her accusations via email and didn't take the high road with everything. I also did not go as far as she and I BOTH know I could have (when dh was out to sea, his mother and I spent HOURS on the phone - she made me her confidant and told me things no one else knew). Along with her other accusations and insults, she said that I was "keeping her" from having a relationship with HER SON and HER GRANDCHILDREN. It was a shock. I was the ONLY reason she had any kind of relationship with them AT ALL. I stated then that I would "get out of the way". That she could deal/talk with them directly and if she wanted to see the kids, SHE would have to put out the effort, make the plans and call HER SON.

Good for you....she needed to know that she could not bully you...

She hasn't seen the kids since. She & HER SON speak about twice a year. Despite saying I wouldn't, I do make him call on her birthday. I don't force him to send photos. So he hasn't. Her birthday was a few weeks away when this started. I bought the gifts & card, had him & the kids sign it, wrapped them, boxed them up, labeled the box. I told him HE could mail it. He donated it to charity when we moved from CO to TX this past summer. I've made him call and let her know when we visit CA.

Again, a very nice thing to do...I used to encourage my ex to not only call his mother, but to stop by once a week for dinner on his way home from work, and to take her out to dinner...it's important for a child and mother to remain friends...I don't care who you are...wife or husband...you need other people in your life...besides your spouse and work affiliates. My son doesn't even socialize with many people at work...he has tons of friends, he is a people magnet, but he is so busy working, he doesn't have any time for anything...that is so unfair of her.

That side of his extended family refuses to speak to or acknowledge me. They buy into her "poor, pitiful Pearl" routine. They send Christmas cards, addressed to dh and the children by name - to make sure I know it's not for me.

and that is so wrong!!!!!! My MIL was so good to us...always...she would have never ever done something like that.

He hasn't spoken to most of them since his mom sent that email. He is angry and insulted by their actions.

and hurt...the hurt really sends a person into a feeling of disloyalty from family...yanno? It hurts to know someone in your family could act like that, and quit frankly it is very embarrassing...

Despite their belief that I changed my dh, the fact is that I did not. And he doesn't want to speak to his mother - he knows that I am NOT guilty of what his sister accused me of and he was very hurt that she did not call me as she said she would, and after what she said about me as a mother - well, he's the one that knows the true hypocrisy that lies in her statements.

It's a shame she would rather believe you did something wrong then her own daughter...and you as a mother, have learned from this, if anything else, what not to do....

In my response all those years ago, I told her that I would be willing to talk when SHE was willing to discuss her daughter's venomous lies and ready to apologize for the accusations she made (mom made). We know through the grapevine that the daughter's been "caught out" in everything. But still our phone is silent - and through all our moves, it has been ME who sends her our new phone numbers/addresses via email. So I know she has them.

again, the right thing to do and say....

A year or so ago, my daugher asked who the woman in the picture (on the wall) with Daddy was. I told her it was one of her grandmothers. Neither child remembers her. I'm sure she'll think that's MY fault too, but the fact remains that I hung her photo up on the wall and that she has never called the children either or asked to speak to one of them when DH calls her for her birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving or Mother's Day.

that is the part that is so sad...the effect your MIL is having on her Grand children...and she doesn't care....your MIL is loosing out on so much due to stubbornous and refusal to take ownership...and acknowledge her daughter did something wrong...so sad....

In my letter to her, I reminded her that as part of his proposal, my dh stressed that he would take his wedding vows seriously and ALWAYS put me before all others ("Forsaking all others"). For those who know us, they've heard the explanation from him. Why she thought that he would side against his wife, who had done nothing wrong, who had maintained relationships with his entire family (mom's side, dad's side, grandmother, 100s of aunts, uncles, cousins, 4 siblings) despite the disapproval of some of them and the out and out hostility of others (there was another girl they wanted him to marry - an old family friend), despite everything they said and did to make sure I knew I was not welcomed... well, it shows that she did not know him at all.

MIL's alike, can be very jealous of the woman their son's marry...she sounds a lot like my DIL, there are just as mean and vindictive MIL's out there, as well.

After that first Christmas with all the envelopes addressed to the other three, I handed my dh an address book with all of their names, phone numbers and addresses, email addresses and told him he was welcome to have contact with any of them he wanted to - but that I was "done" keeping those contacts alive. He threw it away. I didn't keep a backup. That was the larger side of his extended family. At first, all the extra time I had NOT corresponding with them was depressing, but now it's freeing!

I hope that I can reach that point...sometimes I think I have, then something happens and I regress...and it is very depressing...rejecting someone is a very cruel thing to do to a family member...I know I sound mean spirited and angry...and it's not the way to be....I hate what this has done to me, the person it's made me, and then I wonder...if she could treat me like this, what the heck kind of life is my son living? And that was my question from the very start of this...if she can be that cruel and non thinking...and do these things and lie about it...what kind of life is in store for my son. Regardless if it is my business or not, which it really isn't, I'm still his mother and can't help but worry and wonder. I have never known this before...our families always got along...regardless...you might not like what someone has to say...but you realize, we can't all think alike.

Every once in awhile, he'll get an email from someone asking if he's "truly happy" in his marriage and if "he needs help, he just needs to reach out". Oh puh-leez! He doesn't respond. At first, his mom would remind him during one of the 4 calls he makes to her each year that he "should call" this relative or that one because "they've been SO worried about you and the children".

It sounds as if she has painted you a very bad person to everyone. Yanno, he should reply to those emails...and ask these people why they would ask him such a thoughtless question? Ask them why they would think he is unhappy? Tell them, how good you two are, and what a good wife and mother you are....

Don't worry! He's happy! I think I miss his mother and sister more than HE does - I enjoyed our relationship and was sad to find out that they were "just playing along" for HIS sake. That was hurtful. I won't fall for it again.

He is probably happy, as you say, but deep down inside, you always long for your roots. He has accepted it...but I'm certain, he misses them as much as you do.

BTW - I'm a sahm. Have been since I was 7 months pregnant with ds. It was a choice we made together, though we have relatives who don't approve because I had a fairly well paying career before the kids. But the night WE MET! I told him that I wanted to be a sahm and that was one of the reasons he asked me out! He takes PRIDE in being able to support his family and would be INSULTED if I got a job. It blows my mind that people that supposedly "know him" don't know this about him! - It's another story he LOVES to tell![/quote]

I hope, you didn't feel like I was attacking all stay at home moms...I had no problem with my DIL staying home to raise their daughter...but now my GD is in school all day...and to continue having such an appetite for clothes, to dress my GD in the clothes she does, which she will only wear one season...sheeesh? and to not care what my son has to do to acheive her expensive tastes is unthinkable...
again, if it were me, I'd do anything I could to keep my husband from going into a foreign country, away from his family...and I bet so many people knowing her, and her expensive habbits, talk about her...matter of fact, I know they do...she should be ashamed....really ashamed...

You should see the clothes she buys for herself and my GD....it's like she's some movie star...her tastes go way beyond the means of most people.

[ATX Wahine]

I'm a complete outsider to this forum in general, but I have read every page of this thread, and while I feel genuinely sad for the dysfunctional dynamics that are destroying the peace in the OP's family, I cannot help but notice that the OP's need to constantly bleed on and on about this, for over a full year now in this thread alone, in thousands and thousands of words on the subject, tells a tale all it's own.

There is clearly a lot more going on in this family than just a 'rotten' DIL calling the shots. I suspect another year from now will find this thread still alive and well with the same complaints and the same constant putdowns and nitpicks (as an example, read the last sentence in the OP's post just above mine - there's hundreds just like it scattered throughout this thread) hurled 'anonymously' at this DIL, whom it is abundantly clear the OP has an incredible amount of contempt for.

Very sad for everyone involved.

[cremebrulee]

mag32gie I haven't read all of the replys but would like to say that I really know what you are going through but HANG IN THERE because it happened to me too and it finally got better!!!
They have been married for 15 years now, the first 3 she seemed to like me very much but when they started having trouble in their marriage, everything started to be all my fault.

When my son, and her first got together, his father and step mother made a remark about her...I said, I have all the faith in the world at my son's pick...before they were married, she was sweet as could be...my son's step mother kept pointing things out to me, and I was in complete denial...thought my son's step mother was trying to cause trouble.

I can honestly say I never interferred in the marriage until the 5 year mark when my son came over to tell me she was pregnant with somebody elses baby!!! (My son had cancer when young and because of treatments can't have children)..

and a parent shouldn't interfer...but to deal with that...would have been difficult...you obviously, have a forgiving trusting heart...you knew that he loved her....

She did know this when they married though.
My response at first was wild with anger for my son's hurt and also for the baby that they had just adopted because when she got pregnant, she left them both and moved in with her baby's father.
But to make a long story short, my son took her back and I encouraged him to.
Our family is the type to get mad but not stay mad long and this is how it was dealt with.

Understood, I get angry, but cannot stay angry long either...and I'm glad to read that you encouraged him....all a parent wants for their children is to be happy

To tell you the truth I was SO HAPPY when he took her back and SO HAPPY to be a grandmother again when the new baby was born. As far as I was concerned it was water under the bridge and my son accepted his role as a complete father and complete husband. They even renewed their marriage vows and everybody was SO happy. BUT then she started to HATE me and I really mean HATE! That went on for years, EVERYTHING was my fault and it was so wrong because in my heart I knew that I had no bad feelings against her at all..

Your DIL is very fortunate that she had your son in her life...and where does she think he developed all his kindness and loving attitude from? YOU! I mean, I loved my MIL, for the way she raised my husband.

She would turn everything that I did or said into something negative against her and the truth was that I loved her and even understood why she had the affair to begin with. She was depressed because even though they adopted a baby, she wanted her own child.
So for years my son worked his b u t t off while she stayed home too, only called me every now and then and broke our bond that we always had.

I believe she probably felt a lot of pain and guilt and wondered how you could love her....perhaps she decided to sabotage the relationship before you could reject her? Sometimes I think that about my DIL?

Yes, it does hurt but when I look back, I think our bond was so strong that she was very jealous and just couldn't handle it even though their was nothing negative about her. She just wanted him all to herself and I was the enemy that he loved too.

My son and I always had such a good rapour, as well as with all his friends, our home was the home they were always hanging out at.
I thought, my DIL would be like a daughter or good friend...I was so happy to have her.


Everybody has their faults and I guess the DIL sees the MIL's and vice versa, some are kind about them while others are not.

Not always...like I said before, I know so many people who have such loving, kind, mature DIL's....they are just not in here complaining, b/c they have nothing to complain about. A mature woman realizes that her husband needs his family in his life...she understands the importance of that diversity, and the word relationship...

I reached a breaking point finally and told her that she has 2 sons and will one day have 2 DIL's...I told her that she had better HOPE AND PRAY that her DIL's are not like MINE because if they are, she will NEVER see her SONS or her grandchildren!!!
Guess what?
That was the beginning of her changing towards me.

I so many times wished I would have spoken up to her right from the beginning, and right in front of my son....I was so confused, so, utterly confused...I didn't want to believe this was happening...and it was my first visit down there to see them, right after they got married...this was the love of his life...I feared speaking up....

The lesson I learned in this was this..
if you have any advice at all for them, say it to both of them at the same time.
Try to picture your DIL as your very own daughter and forgive her like you would your son.
Let go but always be there.
Remind her that one day she will be the MIL, lol, because she will be

That is such sound advice....wise and stands to reason...

I tried doing that once...and before I got to finish my sentence, she once again, shocked the daylights out of me, and started yelling at me....my counselor said, it was a tactic she has learned to use from childhood, to gain control....she knew what was coming so she in front of my son, divereted both our attentions back to me....she started accusing me of hurting her...I didn't ask her what I did to hurt her, wish I had...instead I just shut down, and started to cry...I was thoroughly hurt by her tone, and could never stand yelling...it totally sends me into a disarry. That was years ago...while she was yelling at me, she accused me of never calling her, or never asking to talk to her when my son and I spoke... Honestly, I thought she hated me so much...so, I started to call her, guess what, she never answered her phone...and never returned my calls, unless I said something to my son that I called her...then she'd call me and act so sweet.

and by the way, she never called me...to thank me for a gift...she'd call when I was at work and leave a message on the answering machine...
she made no effort for girl talk, or to respond....after awhile, when someone doesn't reciprocate....it's hard to keep trying. I've tried emailing her and asking her for recipes, advice on clothes....nothing worked...she made up her mind, she didn't want me in their lives from the beginning...and honestly, I don't think it's me, it would have been any body that was my son's mother....do you understand that?

She never had a family life...this is the first time she had love....the first time someone loved her.



But very sound advice....and what I really would like to do...

she just won't allow it...