This is a bit long, but bear with me…hopefully you'll find the payoff is worth it, especially if you often find yourself attracted to the "wrong" people. As I'm single and dating again, and using online dating sites to meet prospective matches (I work from home, don't want to do the bar n' club scene, too busy with my kids' activities to join up with a buncha stuff to meet people myself), the matter of the infamous "spark" is coming up for me on a regular basis now, on every first date. And I think I've realized something about it.
One man I dated in the past inspired the spark bigtime, from the very first time we met. Long after we'd parted ways, I'd find myself thinking...if I'm going to be perfectly honest here, maybe even obsessing, about him. Yet when I looked at him objectively at the time, and after we broke up, I could see we actually had very little in common and he obviously never cared all that strongly for me, it was a pretty one-sided relationship. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he's obviously not the right guy for me and doesn't feel I'm the right woman for him. So why, oh why, can't I completely let go of this guy, even to this day? Why is that damned "spark" burning as brightly as ever for me where this guy is concerned?
I've concluded it's because, while the spark is often seen as an indication of love or lust at first sight, it can be nothing more than a beacon flare from one's past. It's pretty widely known and accepted that people are sometimes unwittingly drawn to partners who are wrong for them in a subconscious attempt to work out or overcome past family or relationship issues. For example, if it seemed like nothing you ever did was good enough for your opposite-sex parent, you may tend to choose very critical and demanding mates in a subconscious effort to win them over and prove you're worthy of the approval you never got as a child. These prospective mates may not be remotely compatible with you or good for you in any way, but your subconscious desperately wants---needs---to fill that hole your parent dug, and you're drawn to the critical mate like iron shavings to a magnet.
This realization has allowed me to understand the why of my excessive focus on that guy from the past, I can clearly see what issues I was trying to work out through him. But unfortunately, knowing the guy's wrong for me and knowing my attraction to him isn't for the right reasons hasn't enabled me to completely let go. Every time I find myself thinking of him, often in the context of a new guy who doesn't inspire the same spark as the wrong guy, I must remind myself all over again why the spark with the wrong guy wasn't a good thing. Maybe I'll never be totally free of the wrong guy until I've found the right guy and settled down with him.
Until then, I'm putting much less stock in the spark than I used to. If a new guy seems compatible, treats me well, we get along and I find him reasonably attractive, I'm not going to move on just because there's no spark on the first date. Or even the second or third. I have to keep reminding myself that back in the Cretaceous Era, when I used to meet guys at college or through work or friends, the best and most lasting relationships were always the ones that began as friendships, anyway.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
