Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If we are going to quote the Bible...
HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER
I'm sorry...you're cold and heartless......I'm glad you are not my child.
My Mother would NEVER be a burden on me.
That's not what this is about. This is not about the OP's own parents. She is being asked to be the caretaker of inlaws that the 3 siblings don't want to be.
Now if her husband is prepared to most the caregiving that might be one thing but for these 3 to dump it all on her is out-of-the-question unless she offers herself, volunteers to be the free caretaker.
I believe parents have a duty to their children to NOT become burdens on them. It's extremely selfish to raise children with the thought in mind that you'll have a free caretaker and so will not have to worry about saving for your retirement.
Please let me be clear...my comments about selfishness are not directed at the OP...it is clear in her posts that she has given this a lot of thought, otherwise she wouldn't be posting here.
Insurance of assisted living...I wonder how many people actually have that.
Dosn't matter whose parents they are...if my husband had 10 siblings and none of them wanted his parents...I'd take them because I love my husband and would do it for HIM. That's what love is all about. That is the kind of love that makes marraiges work.
I believe parents have a duty to their children to NOT become burdens on them. It's extremely selfish to raise children with the thought in mind that you'll have a free caretaker and so will not have to worry about saving for your retirement.
The OP mentioned they don't speak English which tells me they are of a different culture and unlike western culture, there are a lot of others who depend on their children when they become old. It's accepted. If they don't speak English I can't imagine they had the sort of job that provided a comfortable retirement.
The OP said she will be dealing with BOTH in-laws, their English isn't very good and there is a high probability of other family members wanting to visit and stay at THEIR house, not be dropped off at a hotel. The OP also has 2 young children on top of that (from other posts). SHE will be the one taking care of 4 "children" and a husband. That's not what she signed up for. This will be a full time job, probably thankless, and there will be NO time for herself. If she's having doubts now, just wait until 6 months into the gig.
Quote:
I'm astounded at the selfishness here. That's it...SELFISHNESS. I hope when all these people get older, their kids turn their backs on them also.
That said...Cigarboo.....It will be the toughest job you'll ever love. You will not regret it for a minute in the end. I too am embarking on the same journey...I had planned on both my parent's living with me but my Dad passed away this year so it will be just my Mom. I could NEVER desert her!!!!!! We will be building an apartment in our walk-out basement for her. Yes...it scares me to death how it will all work out, but what are my choices?? She is lonely and needs help with some things. It's the RIGHT thing to do. Pitting siblings against each other on the "Whose turn is it anyway?" concept would be awful for the parents. Put yourself in their situation....would you want to be an older person in need of care and know your kids are 'fighting' over who should be the one to step up to the plate?
PA, you are talking about your OWN mother; and it's just 1 of her. There's a very big difference here. I don't see how it's selfish to recognize the problems this is going to cause in the OP's marriage. I agree with the person who thinks it's selfish to expect your kids to take care of you in your old age.
For me, I'd take in my mother in law, but our family dynamics allow it to be possible. For the OP, I don't think they should live with you, but if your family could live within 30 minutes of them, that would be the best compromise.
Malamute...you are obviously unaware of how many elderly people live alone and could use assistance that they can't afford. It's sad when they have no family to rely on...sickening if they do have family that choose to 'punish' their parents for not planning their retirement to their childrens liking. The retirement you are speaking of is something that I'm sure 99.9% of seniors do NOT have. round the clock nurses....$60,000 a year assisted living expenses.....who has this kind of money??
I was sent this link because I was in the situation for 2 1/2 years...been there, done it, got the t-shirt!!
My mom was diagnosed with untreatable colon cancer at age 86. At age 87, she became bed-ridden. I am an only child & I quit my job to stay at home 24/7 to care for her & respect her wishes of dying at home.
For those 2 1/2 years, I slept piece-meal on the couch so I could hear her at night, cooked, cleaned, cared for her, etc etc. My "time-out" was food shopping while my partner stayed home to keep an eye on her. As the disease progressed & the pain worsened, it was harder & harder for me to watch, but I did what I had to do without ANY medical or professional help.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, & you know what?? I'd do it all over again IN A HEARTBEAT!!!
I sleep at night, I have no guilt, & I KNOW I did the right thing & everything humanly possible. I ain't no saint, but to me, throwing her in a home would've been selfish & cruel.
The experience actually brought my partner & I closer, as we acted as each other's support group. If someone thinks an experience like this will tear apart their marriage, then IMO they'd best examine the tenacity & strength of that marriage!!
I think that if a person feels they don't have to, or shouldn't have to care for a parent, they need to re-think their priorities. We only have 1 father & 1 mother & need to cherish any memory we can WHILE we can, especially as we ourselves grow older!!
I was sent this link because I was in the situation for 2 1/2 years...been there, done it, got the t-shirt!!
My mom was diagnosed with untreatable colon cancer at age 86. At age 87, she became bed-ridden. I am an only child & I quit my job to stay at home 24/7 to care for her & respect her wishes of dying at home.
For those 2 1/2 years, I slept piece-meal on the couch so I could hear her at night, cooked, cleaned, cared for her, etc etc. My "time-out" was food shopping while my partner stayed home to keep an eye on her. As the disease progressed & the pain worsened, it was harder & harder for me to watch, but I did what I had to do without ANY medical or professional help.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, & you know what?? I'd do it all over again IN A HEARTBEAT!!!
I sleep at night, I have no guilt, & I KNOW I did the right thing & everything humanly possible. I ain't no saint, but to me, throwing her in a home would've been selfish & cruel.
The experience actually brought my partner & I closer, as we acted as each other's support group. If someone thinks an experience like this will tear apart their marriage, then IMO they'd best examine the tenacity & strength of that marriage!!
I think that if a person feels they don't have to, or shouldn't have to care for a parent, they need to re-think their priorities. We only have 1 father & 1 mother & need to cherish any memory we can WHILE we can, especially as we ourselves grow older!!
A dying parent or in-law is a completely different situation. There is a finite timeline. With aging in-laws, they could still outlive YOU. You could spend the next 20 years of your life caring for them.
I commend you and your partner's decision to care for your mom in her last days, and I am sorry for your loss.
A dying parent or in-law is a completely different situation. There is a finite timeline. With aging in-laws, they could still outlive YOU. You could spend the next 20 years of your life caring for them.
I commend you and your partner's decision to care for your mom in her last days, and I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you for the condolences, but I beg to differ on the 1st part of your post...
My dad was buried on my 18th birthday & left us with nothing but bills. I quickly worked my way into management to pay the bills so we wouldn't lose the house.
I didn't make enough to have my own apartment/home AND keep my mom going in the house, so I moved in downstairs. I basically lived my life PLUS took care of her for ALL those years!! I could have been selfish & went off on my own & watched her lose the house & end up God knows where, but I chose to do the right thing. That's called "sacrifice". AND my relationships were fine even with the added responsibility.
The problem I see with more & more people is that they think the world revolves around them. It doesn't. Every situation is different, but if we can't give back to our own parents who brought us into this world & raised us, how can we hope to give to anyone or hope to instill in our OWN children a sense of responsibility & right-doing??
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
