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Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET
Doesn't matter. I'm married.
How did you get so lucky? They say you have to work twice as hard to keep someone after marriage as you did to catch them. Marriages often start failing when one spouse quits trying or when their self esteem and general outlook fly south. In other words, no one, not even your spouse, wants to be around you when you don't even think you have anything going for yourself.
To Shania, I think we all feel that way from time to time. But it's like falling down. You just have to find a way to pick yourself back up and get on with it. Like I used to tell my kids (and myself before I had them) fake it (confidence) til you feel it. It worked for me, it worked for them.
I have that problem not just in relationships or lack of but with friends and family,they know i love them but i dont think they realize how much i appreicate and love them because im not a person to show that type of emotion outwardly and say it..
I think i have a fear of benig the overbearing or annoying person and/ or fear of liking a person much mroe thne that person likes me..
I think I do this too sometimes. I'm always worried that I might like someone too fast or more than they like me, so I should act as cool as possible. I worry sometimes that if I tell someone how I feel before they say anything, I'm putting them on the spot.
Shania, don't change your physical self in any permanent way. As much as none of us wants to age I think the 'plastic' changes look worse. You sound just fine, like as good a person as anybody and that's all you should have to be. A lot of times when things aren't going so right in our lives we panic and think it's all wrong, we're all wrong, so nothin' but major changes will put us back on track. Don't buy it. In your own mind, in your own experiences don't you admire and respect those that have the wherewithal to tell the world to go to hell? It's pretty friggin' absurd anyway, don't you think? If you're patient I'll bet you'll find a man that will accept you for what you are. Loneliness is a real emotion and I don't mean to minimize, if that is in fact what's driving you to question yourself. But there's no safeguard for loneliness. Married, single, young, old, beautiful or plain, loneliness does not discriminate for long.
I know what you're saying. I was always like that but then I met this guy two years ago, fell in love with him unexpectedly, and it just kind of put me in freefall when it didn't work out. I also lost 80 pounds a few years ago and I sometimes feel I was prettier before I lost weight, so my being practical about "fixing" anything stems from that, not from aging. I don't care about having laugh lines or stuff like that, to me, that just adds character.
I think loneliness has something to do with it. I've just had to be there for a lot of people in my family for 15 years now, and I just wish that one time, someone could be there for me. Not in a big way, like I want to lean on you every minute, all the time. Just in a once in a while I need a hug way.
I go through that all the time. But then I look at people who are in relationships who have major, major flaws I don't have, and I can't imagine my flaws being more "fatal".
One thing, you may come off as more shy than you think, and these guys may not realize you are interested in them. That's a problem I have, and I am trying to counteract it by taking initiative more in calling people so they know where they stand with me. I realize they cannot read my mind and know I am thinking about them unless I contact them. You say you don't call or text too much, but maybe you don't do it enough!
That's happened in the past, definitely. But the last 6 months or so, I've really tried to be more direct with people. Evidently I keep picking the wrong guys to use initiative with, because the few times I've tried it, it hasn't worked.
No, not really. Im single by choice. But when Im ready for a relationship, I'll be a lot wiser. I may not be a Pamela Anderson but options are out there. I just dont want to get involved with anyone right now because I plan on relocation to settle, in a couple more years, out in the midwest. Maybe at that point, I'll start thinking about it.
Here's a big cyber hug Shania. I know exactly what you mean b/c I'm just starting to feel this way myself, being one of the newly single. Half of me is like a kid in a candy shop b/c there's men out there, and the other half is saying that I'm not good enough to get one I like. It goes back and forth from day to day, and really, do we want a half good enough one too soon, or do we want the best guy for us but we have to wait for him? I keep telling myself that I shouldn't even think about this stuff until I've gotten comfortable with the thought of being single, but I guess I'm just wired to think this way. Well, I'm still happier than I was in a not quite good enough marriage. Think of it that way.
No, not really. Im single by choice. But when Im ready for a relationship, I'll be a lot wiser. I may not be a Pamela Anderson but options are out there. I just dont want to get involved with anyone right now because I plan on relocation to settle, in a couple more years, out in the midwest. Maybe at that point, I'll start thinking about it.
And would you want the kind of man who would go for Pamela Anderson? I thought not.
I have many flaws but they clearly aren't fatal as I'm not dead yet. I am "shy" and keep myself to myself and a lot of people seem to judge this as anti-social but I can be very social on a one2one basis. I'm a bit eccentric and hard to understand. People tend to default to disliking anyone who doesn't fit what they consider the social norms.
This is going to be kind of rambling today...I'm not thinking very cohesively right now.
I feel like my self esteem has really taken a nosedive lately. And I secretly worry that there is something inherently wrong with me, either in the looks department or the personality department that is just not attractive. In the last six months, I note an initial lack of interest or a change of heart by guys I'm in contact with or who I date a few times.
I'm feeling confused and having trouble sorting it out. I don't thinks I make overtures to guys who are extremely attractive and out of my league or anything. But the ones do who seem interested initially, seem to change their minds after a few dates.
So I'm trying to examine myself objectively: I'm a little shy but I'm not that shy. I'm friendly, affectionate, considerate, and like to laugh. I'm not clingy or needy. I don't text guys at all, or even call them unless it's a necessary communication. I have no problem with, and would expect a guy to put his family first. If my car breaks down, I run out of gas, I lose my keys, etc., I handle it myself. I can converse about most subjects so I don't think I'm incredibly boring. (Although I probably sound pretty boring right now, lol.) I'm 47 so maybe it's completely my looks in which case I wish my friends would tell me so I can go get plastic surgery, if that's what I need. I walk/work out 4-5 days per week to keep myself in shape, but I guess I could even do more.
I'm not explaining this well. Basically, I tell myself that I may have to meet 100 people to find one great guy that also thinks I'm great. But I'm starting to feel kind of rejected. Years ago, when I was in theatre, I remember going to some auditions where I just nailed the part. And other actors whom I didn't know would tell me how good my audition was. Once, I ran into someone at the gym the next day who had seen one of my auditions and said," You were so good. You're going to get that part for sure." But I didn't. I didn't even get called back. And that's kind of how I feel now. I think I'm okay, I think I'm a keeper, but I must not be. All my friends have nothing but positive feedback for me, but, you know, I figure they're my friends so what else are they going to say.
Do other people who are single and unattached feel this way sometimes? I don't feel desperate to get married or anything like that...I just feel like I can't even get a date lately...or more than a "hello" sometimes.
And I think, too, secretly I'm worried it's something really bad that I can't fix--like a personality flaw or something I can't physically change. But then I'm still better off knowing so I can just give up. I wish there was an exit survey or questionaire one could give guys who size you up and decide against you, so you could know what it is they didn't like, whether it's significant, and whether you should or could change it.
You sound like me. Since my breakup with my last boyfriend followed by a period of "mourning", and moving to San Antonio six months ago I haven't had one date. I've communicated with three guys from online dating sites but after numerous e-mails, they just dropped off the face of the earth. I assume they had been writing to several women and just didn't pick me as the one to meet. I go to the gym, run local races, volunteer and have a couple groups of friends that I go out with. I guess I could be going out to more activities, but I work long hours and do need time to myself as well. My friends tell me that my ex-fiance was insane for breaking up with me and that I'm a great catch. Heck, my exes have all told me I'm a great catch, just not right for them at the time. Whatever! I've overanalyzed myself to death and for now I'm just enjoying my life, alone.
Sometimes there is another deep body instinct that tells us that we are to be more distant and that it is safer that way.
God this is so true for me. I tend to hold men at a distance, to keep from getting too involved...no involvement - no hurt.
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They say you have to work twice as hard to keep someone after marriage as you did to catch them. Marriages often start failing when one spouse quits trying or when their self esteem and general outlook fly south. In other words, no one, not even your spouse, wants to be around you when you don't even think you have anything going for yourself. 
