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I think too many people get the oooohhhh poooorrrr sick person attitude and fail to say ooooohhhh the pooooorrrr deprived person. It may not be politically correct but I would think if you are unable to perform any more you might want to consider an Open sexual relationship.
No toys don't replace the human contact but lack of sex is not a reason for divorce or cheating there are other ways to have contact beside sex
If my husband were in a car reck and lost his (you know what) I wouldn't leave him because he can't have sex,we would find other ways to have that contact.
I agree with you, Lynda, to a point.
1. Toys don't replace human contact. Agreed.
2. Lack of sex is not a reason for divorce or cheating. Agreed.
Except that... love and intimacy go hand-in-hand with sex, and when all three are absent there's not much left to the relationship.
My ex pretty much put a halt to sex the day after our wedding -- not completely, but it became fairly rare. I could live with it. I did my best and hoped she'd change for the better. Unfortunately it gradually got worse over the next 10-15 years until sex finally ceased completely. There was never an explanation. I begged her to seek help or talk to me about it. She refused. In her mind, there was no problem. After another 10-15 years with zero intimacy and after our youngest left for college, I divorced her.
It wasn't just the lack of sex but the complete lack of intimacy -- physical and emotional. Meanwhile we had kids we were raising. I wouldn't have taken them from their mother, but neither did I want to leave them. Plus, I had hope right up to the end that she'd change. I didn't physically cheat, although it could have been justified. It was a lousy marriage, at least the last 20 years of the 27. Surprisingly, we had everyone fooled, even our own kids. Our horrible marriage was our own very private secret.
I was raised to believe that neither cheating nor divorce were acceptable, but there came a time when I decided it was worse to live a lie without love and affection. I watched my elderly parents pawing over each other, still celebrating their wedding anniversary every MONTH (for 65 years), and I gave my wife one year to change, explain, see a doctor or get counseling. She still refused, and at the end of that year I gave up. It was long overdue and probably the best decision I ever made -- even though it cost me a (not too) small fortune. (Money and assets were the last things on my mind at that point.)
Unfortunately it gradually got worse over the next 10-15 years until sex finally ceased completely. There was never an explanation. I begged her to seek help or talk to me about it. She refused. In her mind, there was no problem.
This is a perfect example of the marriage being over before the words are said. You honored your vows even though she didn't hold up her end; not just in the sex department, but for refusing to work on it. Not much less selfish than cheating, in my book.
Kudos to you for sticking with it as long as you did.
To marry someone with the thought that there will be sex, then suddenly sex is denied for whatever reason, then thats wrong and should not be. If two people aren't having sex, and hate each other, then divorce is the way to go. If one person goes through some illness where there is no end in sight and the problem won't ever go away, the ill person should not be so selfish as to think the healthy one will never have sex again. Its cruel.
How cruel would it be to the person that is sick to know that the person they love is out having sex with someone else? How would it be selfish to want your partner that you love to understand that it's not that you don't want to make love it's that you can’t? Beside there are other thing that a person can do besides intercourse. Now if you with hold sex because you dislike it or you really can’t stand to have your spouse touch you then get out of the marriage.
As a person who deals with chronic pain, I'm thinking that it's almost exclusively a case of WON'T, rather than CAN'T. Myself, I'd take full advantage of my painkillers and steroids, discover less taxing and easier positions, and communicate better rather than deny myself and my partner intimacy. Sex releases powerful endorphins that make people feel better and humans require intimacy for their well-being. Plus, sexual dysfunction is talked about a lot more openly now and medical science can help.
Sooooooo, if a person refuses to consider any sort of accommodation, I do think the partner has the right to have his/her needs met from someone else and divorce is a real possibility. Again, as one who has a chronic illness, I would NOT feel it's fair to tie a partner to myself if I wasn't capable of intimacy. It's just not right.
BRAVO my Lady!
I too deal with a chronic illness that includes pain management. Occasionally, there are times I hurt so bad that even my hair hurts. My Old Guy has never - at no time - ever pressured me for sex or made me feel "bad" or guilty or lacking or less than a whole woman. On the other hand, I do like a good sexual romp around the bed, the living room, the beach (OOOPS). And I have never left him in any doubt that I not only love him, I like him and I want him in all parts of my life...not just my bed.
See, I married a man. With all of his faults and all of his beauty. I did not marry a renewable source of sex. I did not marry a wallet. Or a sixpack & shoulders. Or a car, house, suburb/city, political cause or to further the population explosion.
Did that already. And because I was young and ignorant and didn't know any better and was to damn hard-headed to listen...I married a male creature who was selfish and self-serving...an addict and a liar and a cheat and a thief. And I learned...in the hardest way imaginable...the difference between love and sex, use and abuse...and not only should some marriages not happen, some should be ended...and sooner rather than later. I learned, and later in my practice, saw more than I wanted of toxic marriages and toxic people. And the saddest was where there was no desire for change...except of the "other."
I too deal with a chronic illness that includes pain management. Occasionally, there are times I hurt so bad that even my hair hurts. My Old Guy has never - at no time - ever pressured me for sex or made me feel "bad" or guilty or lacking or less than a whole woman. On the other hand, I do like a good sexual romp around the bed, the living room, the beach (OOOPS). And I have never left him in any doubt that I not only love him, I like him and I want him in all parts of my life...not just my bed.
See, I married a man. With all of his faults and all of his beauty. I did not marry a renewable source of sex. I did not marry a wallet. Or a sixpack & shoulders. Or a car, house, suburb/city, political cause or to further the population explosion.
Did that already. And because I was young and ignorant and didn't know any better and was to damn hard-headed to listen...I married a male creature who was selfish and self-serving...an addict and a liar and a cheat and a thief. And I learned...in the hardest way imaginable...the difference between love and sex, use and abuse...and not only should some marriages not happen, some should be ended...and sooner rather than later. I learned, and later in my practice, saw more than I wanted of toxic marriages and toxic people. And the saddest was where there was no desire for change...except of the "other."
Bravo to YOU!!!!!!!! I LOVE your attitude and your style!!!!!
I haven't dated in a while because of my illness and a poor self image -- the meds I was taking previously caused me to lose quite a bit of my hair and I felt wretched. Thank goodness, I've been on better meds for a while now with fewer side effects and I'm looking to begin a social life once again!!! I absolutely wouldn't THINK of becoming involved with a man unless I was able, willing and eager to be a loving partner, in all aspects!
The flipside of the ill person is that they are looked upon in relation to the illness. People forget that they are still sexual beings who require intimacy, not people who are all wrapped up in their disabilities. Medical personnel need to recognize this and offer help with intimacy issues, even if the person doesn't bring it to their attention.
I am SO GLAD you found your special man and I absolutely agree with this part of your post, in particular:
See, I married a man. With all of his faults and all of his beauty. I did not marry a renewable source of sex. I did not marry a wallet. Or a sixpack & shoulders. Or a car, house, suburb/city, political cause or to further the population explosion.
That's exactly how I feel. Well, if you substitute "married" with "committed to," LOL. I don't believe a legal marriage is for me.
Surely you realize that masturbation cannot substitute for the physical closeness and affection that only another person can provide?
The situation you discuss, Choc, is one of the most difficult and ambiguous ones that a person could face in a relationship. The "til death do us part"/"just leave her" extremes both offer overly-simplistic answers that gloss over the very real, excruciating pain and difficulties that both of these "answers" entail.
The best I have been able to come up with is this: there are certain exceptional situations in which the "least worst" thing is for one partner to carry on a limited sexual affair with another person while maintaining the benefits of a marriage. This is inherently dishonest, is definitely not ideal, it poses substantial risks, and is to be avoided if possible. But sometimes life deals us a hand that provides no way of winning and you just gotta do what you can to cause the least amount of hurt for all involved.
this is a hard one....and i think PS here has the right idea.
im going to be honest...heck, shouldnt we all???
im 37, my hubby is 49. due to medications he is on for health reasons...sex isnt what it used to be, it has caused friction, but what can i do??? ive got a great husband otherwise, but we all need that little extra. I understand my hubbys problem, do i like it? heck no, im in the prime of my life, and feel like im dryen up faster then a texas watering hole!! yes, i take care of my needs on my own sometimes, and i will admit, ive "chatted" online to get the feel of being a wanted woman again, havent cheated per say, but i guess this could be considered cheating to.
but it has helped ease the tension, biggest thing is, we talked about it, and by taking things into my own hands so to speak, it takes the pressure off him to satisfy me each time, sometimes i just need to be gratefull for what he does give me, and not belittle him for the lack of it. this is called love.
now...my daddy has been married for near 40 yrs, my mama gave up on sex when she was in mid 30's. he loves her dearly and has delt with it all this time. he did ask her why, thinken it was him, and well, she was honest, she didnt like sex anymore, and he was lucky if she "laid" there once a year. he flirts, online and in person, never truly cheated on her, but has lived with no sex for many many years, and it hurt the marriage deeply, they bicker alot and rarely get alone, but wont divorce cuz of being old fashioned, but he is to the point that no sex plus bitterness between them is to much to bear and is now considoring leaving, and she agrees, she would rather live alone. go figure.
ive got a buddy....married for 15 yrs...couple kids...very sexual, but wife is like my mom, he flirts ALOT, and im sure has cheated, but wont leave his wife. they dont get along, barely talk, but he feels he has to stay cuz of kids, but i have to ask....does he not think the kids notice let alone like al the tension???? stayen is not always the answere.
if there is real love, and valid reason for why there is no sex, then maybe the spouse will understand if you need to go elsewhere, it has happened, they are relived that they are still loved without the pressure to perform when they cant. if there is no sex and no love....well, whats the point in being that miserable???? cheating then will just breed more misery, best to divorce and find happiness elsewhere. just my opinion
How cruel would it be to the person that is sick to know that the person they love is out having sex with someone else? How would it be selfish to want your partner that you love to understand that it's not that you don't want to make love it's that you can’t? Beside there are other thing that a person can do besides intercourse. Now if you with hold sex because you dislike it or you really can’t stand to have your spouse touch you then get out of the marriage.
I completely agree with you on using anything under the heavens to have sex any kind of way possible. There are many options, as other posters have repeatedly said here. But if there was a situation, in which sex of any kind was painful, then thats another ball game entirely. If I was the sick one, without a hope in the world of getting better, and saw my DH suffering because I couldn't give him what any adult human being desperately needs from the person they love, I would be heartbroken for him and would insist on him getting a lover. Of course, I would have to make sure she's not too hot, or he might fall for her.
I understand many people would find my decision controversial because not everyone is as self less as I try to be. But if I saw his mood brighten and he came home more loving and willing to put up with me and my illness, I would not regret my decision. I wouldn't regret it because for me love means making the other person happy. When they are happy, thats when I am happy. And I know I couldn't be happy if I saw him being miserable because of me.
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Well, if you substitute "married" with "committed to," LOL. I don't believe a legal marriage is for me.
hmmmm...
