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Me and girlfriend had this discussion over the weekend. I told her that as of right now I don't want kids, but that it may change in the future. Her reaction was disappoinment, confusion and hurt (apparently I told her at some point I was 'undecided'). She on the other hand is still 'undecided', which I don't understand, since if you are undecided, there's a chance that you don't want them either, so why is my stand such an issue?
I think she feels, since I'm usually decisive and final on my decisions, that I won't change. That's not the case.
I guess it's my choice of words? Why is 'undecided' a better position over 'As of right now, no'?
She claims that kids aren't top priority, but I feel that she wants them more than she doesn't and 'undecided' is a safer answer over 'Yes'.
What do you think? Have you faced this? How did it play out?
There is nothing wrong with thinking you don't want kids. However if she's disappointed, confused, and hurt, she was obviously thinking of you as a future dad and in all likelihood and when you say you don't want kids, its definitely a potential deal breaker as far as marriage goes.
My guess is she is not actually undecided...I think you two should talk more about it about what you two really want.
Me and girlfriend had this discussion over the weekend. I told her that as of right now I don't want kids, but that it may change in the future. Her reaction was disappoinment, confusion and hurt (apparently I told her at some point I was 'undecided'). She on the other hand is still 'undecided', which I don't understand, since if you are undecided, there's a chance that you don't want them either, so why is my stand such an issue?
I think she feels, since I'm usually decisive and final on my decisions, that I won't change. That's not the case.
I guess it's my choice of words? Why is 'undecided' a better position over 'As of right now, no'?
She claims that kids aren't top priority, but I feel that she wants them more than she doesn't and 'undecided' is a safer answer over 'Yes'.
What do you think? Have you faced this? How did it play out?
I don't know how old you 2 are let alone whether you 2 are anywhere close to getting married. Having said this, if your girlfriend was disappointed and saddened by your decision that you wish not to become a father, it tells me that rather than "undecided," she DOES want kids - just not anytime soon. Her answer may have been more accurate with "someday."
I wouldn't say "undecided" is in any way better than "as of right now, no." I think yours is actually better because it's clear and defined and at least, it's honest. You didn't say "NEVER;" you just said "not for now."
Take it from a single man who loves children and who includes fatherhood as one of his dreams and ambitions when/if he gets married one day. It's not wrong or immoral per se for you to wish not to have children. Not all people are cut out to be parents (and this does not make such folks inferior or lower people in any way), and some people, frankly, shouldn't be parents (for a number of motives)... but they nonetheless have kids.
I'm of the opinion that some women want to have the option, even if they say they don't want kids. But I agree with mgt04, she may not be as undecided as she says.
I mentioned this in another thread. A good friend of mine recently had a vasectomy. His girlfriend of two years (age 40) knew all along he did not want kids. She resigned to it, saying she was too old and set in her ways to have kids anyways. When he got it done, she was fit to be tied because he didn't discuss it with her first. There was nothing to discuss. Other than informing her that he was getting the procedure done, there was nothing to discuss. She didn't have a say.
Turns out she did want kids and was going along with his choices because she didn't want to lose him. That's a whole other dilemma for another thread.
I don't want any more kids either, I know this for a fact. But if that option was taken from me, for example, through a hysterectomy, I'd be sad and feel like I've lost control somewhat.
I think you should talk to her more about it to make sure she doesn't end up resenting you, even if she is reading too much into it.
There is nothing wrong with thinking you don't want kids. However if she's disappointed, confused, and hurt, she was obviously thinking of you as a future dad and in all likelihood and when you say you don't want kids, its definitely a potential deal breaker as far as marriage goes.
My guess is she is not actually undecided...I think you two should talk more about it about what you two really want.
Yeah I'm going to come back to discuss it. We discussed this early on, since our intent is to someday marry, and being that it's undecided, it must not be high on her list.
Yeah I'm going to come back to discuss it. We discussed this early on, since our intent is to someday marry, and being that it's undecided, it must not be high on her list.
Do discuss it. I've just witnessed a very sad scenario involving a young man who didn't want children and discussed it with his wife to be. Obviously the discussion wasn't deep enough. They got married and the marriage was all but over after just two years when she announced she was pregnant. No, on the few occasions when they were still having sexual relations he didn't use protection. In the meantime he had bought a business to fulfill a lifetime's dream, everything was heading in the right direction where that was concerned and he's had to give that up and go back "home" to a shaky work environment because he feels he has to at least take on the responsibility of being a father.
It's a total mess, no good will come of it and it need not even have happened if the two of them had ever got around to really discussing major issues. Good luck!
Yeah I'm going to come back to discuss it. We discussed this early on, since our intent is to someday marry, and being that it's undecided, it must not be high on her list.
Definintely discuss it with her. She might be hoping before you marry you'll have changed your mind that you'll want kids. I don't think she would react the way she did if she didn't want kids someday.
Given that vasectomy reversals are big business in this country, it's a lot more common than one might suppose.
Heck, after #3 popped out ten years ago, my wife was adamant about not having more kids. Now, whenever she sees a baby, she says, "Oh, don't you want another baby?" At times like that, I think, "Thank God I had the procedure."
I'm a woman that has known all my life that I didn't want kids in my life, and I'm now 50 years old and with no regrets. My boyfriend is 29 and has never wanted kids. And with his impatient temperament and low tolerance for noisy kids, I don't think that he should ever be a father either.
I think that it's fine for anyone to decide that they don't want kids. And I wish more people thought this way. Sigh.
I don't know how old you 2 are let alone whether you 2 are anywhere close to getting married. Having said this, if your girlfriend was disappointed and saddened by your decision that you wish not to become a father, it tells me that rather than "undecided," she DOES want kids - just not anytime soon. Her answer may have been more accurate with "someday."
I wouldn't say "undecided" is in any way better than "as of right now, no." I think yours is actually better because it's clear and defined and at least, it's honest. You didn't say "NEVER;" you just said "not for now."
Take it from a single man who loves children and who includes fatherhood as one of his dreams and ambitions when/if he gets married one day. It's not wrong or immoral per se for you to wish not to have children. Not all people are cut out to be parents (and this does not make such folks inferior or lower people in any way), and some people, frankly, shouldn't be parents (for a number of motives)... but they nonetheless have kids.
Her complaint is that everything with me needs to make sense, and I can list a number of reasons that I don't want kids (I'm 31, she's 29, and we are working towards marriage). She feels that with kids it shouldn't be so cut and dry. Whatever.
That's not to say that, should it happen by accident, I wouldn't stand up to prepare to be a father.
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