One last time I need your help...marraige is killing me- 2 (Christian, wife)

[Josh_GW]

Hi again, so this is kind of a follow up, and decision time for myself. I posted on here almost 2 months ago, detailing a very difficult marriage that I have been involved in:

Marriage is slowly killing me ( Husband, no kids )

Fast forward to now, and things still do not look good. I have had to move back home in order to have a place to stay, seeing as I am a university student and money is tight. So its been long distance, but I already understood ( and with the response of many here ) that living together the way we were just bread a toxic and very dangerous lifestyle. But here is where I am now, I decided to let her go to school and live at our apartment,keep my SUV, all her family is close, so shes not alone, to give us time to gather, reflect, and speak to one another over the phone ( emails, texts ) in hopes that we can deal with our own issues, and be able to discuss things w/o regressing to our old ways.

But in this case, distance did not make the heart grow fonder. When we spoke, she always produced a vibe, that I left for me, only me, and she was constantly making sure and pressing me to understand that I need to go to counciling, almost like I was a child, pretty much every time we spoke. We both agreed to see councilors individually before I left, but she seemed to only be concerned that I was the one going to get help, as I never pressed her for that when we spoke ( I was seeing a councilor before I left--for about 2 weeks, and am seeing one now). Next, as I began to get annoyed with this, I asked if she was seeing a councilor, she responded by saying "no, I just need god, thats seriously all thats holding me back, and my relationship with god will help me".

That really frustruated me, and with only 1 week separated, the pot began to brew, and she ended up hanging the phone up on me. Next, as she is always surrounding herself with her sister and mothers advice ( honestly, not to sound cliche, but talk about in-laws from hell---they want to control everything, my wife in my eyes holds their opinions higher than mine, but I wont get into that, just know that they pull the strings in my eyes), I hear that she is going back to her parents church, even though we agreed to go to a new church, 5 mins from us. Now, I have lost my faith, so this going to church is for her, but I just wanted her to kind of separate a part of herself from her family ( not 100%, or never see them) but to become independant, seeing as they really take the cake when it comes to religious things--very aggressive, spiritual god warriors, they influence her views a lot---to me they are radical.

But than I hear that, and I say " I thought you were going to the new church", and she responded by saying that she needs everybody's support and they uplift her and give her advice. Now picture this, not only is her church involved ( which I dont mind ) but her church consists of her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, mom, dad, sister. So its personal, and like I said, her family isnt necessarily a good thing when it comes to us, as they are a big part of many problems in our relationship ( but she cant see that, and hey, maybe I only feel that, but there is a definite stigma there). So again, she gets upest that I should even want her to go to another church in this time and saying that I was selfish, more arguing---another hang up.

Since I have been gone ( just over a month ), we have been arguing and disagreeing for 80 percent of the time. I write her poems, notes, try to express my feelings, my urgency for change...but all I get is, "we cant do that serparated from each other, we need marriage counciling". She refuses to try the things I suggest, I feel she is being fed things from her family, and that is the way she wants to go. I want us to start new, almost as friends, so we can develop the basics again, set us up a better foundation to deal with the bigger things. My goal was for us to work on ourselves, so when we came back together we can be better people. But nothing is going as planned, and all she keeps saying is " you need to be back here so we can do marriage counciling". But in my eyes, if we cant do little things, why would I put myself back into the exact same situation...as nothing is changing.

So here I am again, I feel really hopeless...my life is on hold, I feel this fight im putting up for us is for nill, as there is never any agreement, and always a way she wants things done. God is in the way, and I can never question what she feels is God, or God is doing. I dont know what her family, friends are telling her, and I know they are giving her their 10 cents. I dont feel like I have any say in this relationship anymore...and honestly, I dont think I ever did. She pretty much refuses or just wont do anything while we are separated. I try to talk, but she is now telling me shes too busy to be talking about all these things, as our talks do go on for a while since things are so bad. So now, its like I cant even talk to her about whats going on here, because shes got too many things to do.

Is it just me, or is this as bad as it feels for me?

Im just about ready to fly home, grab my two boxes of stuff, and ship the SUV by train and be gone. I love her, but I guess love isnt the only thing you need to make a relationship work.

[JustJulia]

You are right: love is not the only thing you need. For a marriage to work, two people have to commit to one another above all others. She has to hold you in higher esteem than her parents, than the rest of her family, or even her pastor. In a Christian marriage, the only entity more precious than a spouse is God. It doesn't sound like she is in that frame of mind.

I don't think your wife is fully to blame for this. I read your first thread and you both have a lot of issues to work on. But I do not see the marriage working out as long as she treats you like this.

[Josh_GW]

I apologize in advance that this post in so long.

[zentropa]

Please go back and edit your post into lots of 3-4 line paragraphs so I can read it. Thank you.

[SVTLightning]

Send her some divorce papers, she will find time to talk to you then! SOunds like a no win situation for you, let her go and find someone who you don't have so much drama with!

[crazyworld]

Originally Posted by zentropa

Please go back and edit your post into lots of 3-4 line paragraphs so I can read it. Thank you.

so what...........he is looking for help not grammar hints


IMO leave your SUV and boxes behind as well as that life...very toxic and marriage is not supposed to be like that. I personally think you two are too damaged for counseling together.

You are both young....please move on, don't look back except to better the mistakes you have made as you have mentioned your faults which is a good thing. I commend you for not blaming her for everything and recognizing you both are at fault.

Finish your education and restart your new life. Lessons learned.

I wish you the best with all the good things that life has to offer.

[steelstress]

Originally Posted by crazyworld

so what...........he is looking for help not grammar hints

Sounds like you don't understand the need for paragraph breaks, either. It's not grammar one seeks when asking for paragraph breaks.

I'd like to read the post, but not in the way it's formatted.

[yankeegirl313]

If you both really want it to work, then you both will be willing to compromise, and try to work "together."
I think that maybe you should sit down with her parents, or give them a call, and tell them how you feel. You said they are a big influence in her life, so maybe you could start there.
Why don`t the two of you go to counceling together?
It would be alot harder to try to work on a marriage being separated.
I would think that would just put distance between you both even more.

[sophialee]

Originally Posted by steelstress

Sounds like you don't understand the need for paragraph breaks, either. It's not grammar one seeks when asking for paragraph breaks.

I'd like to read the post, but not in the way it's formatted.

yeah, it hurts my eyes and I can't follow the sentences either.

[bobman]

IMHO, if you feel that she isn't trying, then why should you ?

relationships do not need work when they're healthy. when they're not, they need BOTH parties to try.

i understand you don't want to give up, but if she already has, then you need to try to make your preparations to move on, just in case.

stop calling, don't email, don't contact, give her, and yourself some space.
it is frustrating being in that situation, and constant contact does no good to either party.

start making preparations to rebuild your life on your own.

it will be hard. VERY hard, and it will hurt, but there comes a time when you have to stop waiting. you have done all you can.

when is your time ?