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It's something that I have really come to regret. I don't ever want to find myself single and realise that I am one of those dependant women who has to have a man around at all times, and can't make it on her own. Who thinks that she is nothing without a man... I guess that's what I have seen myself as for the past 10 years, but finally I have realised that I don't need that, and that I would in fact love to be on my own for a while. I have never even owned a car because "WE" could never afford it. I always could, but we couldn't. My whole short life I have sacrified for others, it's no wonder I feel so bitter at such a young age..
Well that is a whole other issue then. If you need to discover yourself and have "me time" in life and feel you never have right now then you need to make a decision. However I was focusing on your comments in my past comments about you not being attracted to him because of a age difference.
Actually, the OP said, "I am ashamed to admit that I don't think I have ever been physically attracted to him. It hurts to say that but I have to be honest with myself."
Maybe, maybe I am reading it wrong. When she said he reminds me of a "dad" and ashamed of photos together because of the age difference even though he is hardly over the hill at 43 and she is pushing 30 that is what I focused in on.
But again I'm taking it personally which may be my conflict because I hardly view myself as a geezer and sure as hell don't feel old. It is just my ego I'm posting so don't mind me.
Honestly, can we please just drop the whole attraction thing for a moment?
Yes that is a big issue here, but my main concern is for my future and how I have seen that the future that lies ahead for me is something that I no longer want, despite the fact that the man which I had planned to share it with is near on perfect... PERSONALITY WISE!
I am not mad, I just put that in caps so people don't say oh if he so perfect why aren't you attracted to him.
My boyfriend of 5 years is 17 years my senior. Me 27. Him 44.
For most of our relationship, this was never a problem, but lately it has started to really bother me. It has nothing to do with our different interests or anything like that and he certainly doesn't act his age (not in an immature way). I have never seen his age before, only the person he is, but over the past few years I have seen groups of my friends getting married - all to people their/my age (give or take maybe 1 or 2 years in between). This has started to really upset me and I dread receiving wedding invitations in the mail.
When we first started dating (I was 21, nearly 22), telling people his age was a huge novelty for me. It made me feel mature. But as the years have gone on I have become almost embarassed by it. I don't show people photos of him and I don't like how we look in photos together. I feel like he looks like my dad - don't even get me started on how creepy sex has started to feel. I don't want to marry him. We have spoken about it and I have told him it is just not a big deal for me when in reality something about marrying him doesn't sit well with me.
I worry a lot about the future too. Sure, it's ok now, but when I am 33, he will be 50. When I am 63, he will be 80. I know all of these things are a lifetime away, but he joked about it on the weekend and it kind of hit home with me. We have always lived in the moment in our relationship and I had never really stopped to think about the long term future. If we haven't had children by the time I am 33, he might be ok with being a 71+ year old father at our child's 21st, but I am not ok with that. He will also retire nearly 20 years before me and when it is time for me to retire, he will be either very old or passed away, leaving me on my own.
I only wish he was 15 or even 10 years younger! He is the perfect man!!!! He treats me like a queen and still tells me he loves me every single day. He puts me first. He trusts me. He allows me all the freedom in the world. He supports me. He doesn't belittle me. I know I am never going to find a man as wonderful... but I can't shake this feeling and I don't know what to do.
How do you tell someone who you mean the absolute world to that you are breaking up over the one thing they can't control or fix?!! Why has this started to bother me NOW?!!
How do I make him see that this has nothing to do with the person he is? I feel like I have been hit by a car, suddenly realising there is no long term future for us. Am I just an awful person??
It's all very romantic to say age is just a number and love is all you need, but just how realistic is it? Is it a head/heart battle?
Do not waste your time with a man who you have no intention in marrying (if that is an eventual goal). I wasted a lot of my younger years with men who were 20 years older than I was, dating for up to 5 years only to break up and find another older guy to date.
I finally broke myself of that pattern (in my late 20's early 30's) and dated men my age and married a man 6 years younger than I am.
Every day you spend with a guy you have no intention in marrying, you're keeping yourself in a relationship that's going nowhere, with a man you have no future with.
Don't waste your time (especially when your reproductive years are at their peak now), with a man you don't see a future with, you're only preventing the perfect man to come into your life wasting time with someone you have no business being with.
Age is just a number for those who don't care about age. But age matters to you and you need to stop fooling yourself and put those so-called "romantic" ideas of the older dashing gentleman back on a shelf in the library.
I will also add that I did take a break from dating for a YEAR AND A HALF (no dating no sex) to really collect my thoughts about what I wanted in a man and how I was going to work on my own issues before I found the right "him".
Honestly, can we please just drop the whole attraction thing for a moment?
Yes that is a big issue here, but my main concern is for my future and how I have seen that the future that lies ahead for me is something that I no longer want, despite the fact that the man which I had planned to share it with is near on perfect...
How can we drop it when you even say it is a huge issue to you? You say he is near perfect yet on the other hand say he is choking your independence and you shudder him as being old?
If you want to bail out of the relationship follow your heart about it but at least spare him from knowing that you view him as a old geezer. Because I probably speak for most 40 year old men on this board when I say most of us feel far from being over the hill. Anna Smith marrying a 80 something year old guy is creepy, a 40 year old guy with a late 20's female is not creepy.
If you want to bail out of the relationship follow your heart about it but at least spare him from knowing that you view him as a old geezer. Because I probably speak for most 40 year old men on this board when I say most of us feel far from being over the hill. Anna Smith marrying a 80 something year old guy is creepy, a 40 year old guy with a late 20's female is not creepy.
I don't think he is over the hill!
Please, PLEASE - LOOK what I am writing. 44 = not over the hill. I DO NOT see him as an old geezer.
But the thought of him being retired and ready to take it easy for the rest of his days when I reach his age of 44, YES, that bothers me! Are you honestly telling me you'd be ok with your husband or wife retiring nearly 20 years before you??
It is the FUTURE I am concerned about here, the FUTURE.
I never said anything about him choking my independence. NOTHING. Everything has been MY choice. I had a choice to stay, or a choice to go, and I stayed. It's my own fault there.
Please, PLEASE - LOOK what I am writing. 44 = not over the hill. I DO NOT see him as an old geezer.
But the thought of him being retired and ready to take it easy for the rest of his days when I reach his age of 44, YES, that bothers me! Are you honestly telling me you'd be ok with your husband or wife retiring nearly 20 years before you??
It is the FUTURE I am concerned about here, the FUTURE.
I never said anything about him choking my independence. NOTHING. Everything has been MY choice. I had a choice to stay, or a choice to go, and I stayed. It's my own fault there.
quote from you;
"I don't show people photos of him and I don't like how we look in photos together. I feel like he looks like my dad - don't even get me started on how creepy sex has started to feel"
That sentence isn't about the future you are expressing the present. You view him that way now. The question is he probably is already feeling distance from you and not getting sex so why is he staying with you? If I got that feeling of coldness and lack of sex I would have already shown you the door.
"I don't show people photos of him and I don't like how we look in photos together. I feel like he looks like my dad - don't even get me started on how creepy sex has started to feel"
That sentence isn't about the future you are expressing the present. You view him that way now. The question is he probably is already feeling distance from you and not getting sex so why is he staying with you? If I got that feeling of coldness and lack of sex I would have already shown you the door.
Yes, you're right. I do look at photos of us and I don't like the way it looks anymore. He just seems to look SO much older than me. Ok I am a terrible person, we have ascertained that. I am not looking for sympathy, I just re-read that and I am feeling pretty awful right now, that's all...
But it's just ONE of the things that has made me feel this way, it is not everything but people seem to be focusing on that one thing. I never saw his age before. Never. Now suddenly my eyes have been opened to what the future holds and it's a huge shock. I feel like I have been hit by a train. My head is all over the place.
Yes, you're right. I do look at photos of us and I don't like the way it looks anymore. He just seems to look SO much older than me. Ok I am a terrible person, we have ascertained that. I am not looking for sympathy, I just re-read that and I am feeling pretty awful right now, that's all...
But it's just ONE of the things that has made me feel this way, it is not everything but people seem to be focusing on that one thing. I never saw his age before. Never. Now suddenly my eyes have been opened to what the future holds and it's a huge shock. I feel like I have been hit by a train. My head is all over the place.
For all the stress you are going through, just let it go and restart your life. It's way easier. Your problems will grow like William Blake's poison tree. The tree you will need to uproot will grow bigger and heavier by the day
You did not think about this at 22. You have probably grown up. Irrespective of how bad people think of you, your life is fully yours. One cannot live by the world.
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