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My wife is a wonderful and loving person but lacks self confidence to challenge her cold, distant and abusive parents. Because they are family and getting older, my wife feels an obligation to see them on Holidays.
Every time my wife and I get together with them I leave beat red in anger seeing how they treat her. I tell her she should have it out with them but she is afraid of them. We have discussed the issue but fail to reach a solution.
If the same thing was happening to your wife or husband, what would you do? Could you be all polite and nice to the parents when you see your spouse being abused but lacking in the guts to tell them off? Would you tell your spouses parents off if you saw them treating your husband or wife poorly? Or just grit your teeth and put in your time?
(My wife insists we visit her parents three times a year)
I can understand her need to see them as they are getting older, I would like to comment intelligently on your issue, but it is difficult to do without some examples or scenerios. I only had an issue like this with one of my parents and at a dinner out and in the middle I just got up, tossed the napkin down on the table and said, 'let's go we're leaving' and I was gone without another word.
Given their ages and the length of time she has allowed herself to be treated that way I don't see changes in these parties any time soon - so it's up to you to either respect the wishes of your wife or walk out when the stuff goes down. Do not argue with them - it's pointless.
Agreed, hard to comment without some sort of examples. I don't think for a moment that I would grit my teeth and bear it though if my spouse were being insulted. At best I would say, "Why would you say something like that to her?" It's highly unlikely they'll change but I wouldn't hesitate to diplomatically bring it to their attention without turning it into a brawl. Good luck!
Agreed, hard to comment without some sort of examples. I don't think for a moment that I would grit my teeth and bear it though if my spouse were being insulted. At best I would say, "Why would you say something like that to her?" It's highly unlikely they'll change but I wouldn't hesitate to diplomatically bring it to their attention without turning it into a brawl. Good luck!
Yeah, a good, strong, "You're out of line." can often do the trick.
You're her husband... protect her. As the others said , walk out or say something. If all hell breaks loose, then there'll be no more visits/opportunities for them to do it again.
You're her husband... protect her. As the others said , walk out or say something. If all hell breaks loose, then there'll be no more visits/opportunities for them to do it again.
While I agree, in part, with 'she's your wife protect her' it should be 'she's your wife support her.' The actuality is SHE needs to want to be protected before he can be of any use. The problem actually lies with the wife and her parents and I get the impression she doesn't want to be protected from it. Should she choose to view it differently and want to be more aggressive about it then he can support her decision and actions.
If SHE doesn't want any changes to occur then the only thing he can do is walk out of the situation to express his own feelings about it. But if he chooses to confront them and she slithers away disapprovingly he will just look like a fool in front of them.
Clearly your wife doesn't have that much of a problem with it if she insists on visiting three times a year. Just stop going with her- tell her you don't like the way they treat her and while you can't make her stand up to them, you don't have to sit around and watch.
Otherwise, you also need to grit your teeth the way she does when she's with them. If you keep coming along, you aren't changing your behavior either and can't criticizer her for doing the same.
While I agree, in part, with 'she's your wife protect her' it should be 'she's your wife support her.'
Exactly -- support her. By telling her to "have it out" with them you are putting pressure on her and making a tough situation for her even worse. If they say something that is especially hurtful or false, you might politely but firmly say something like "I don't think that's true" or "I don't like that; that's inappropriate." Otherwise, stand by her side and support her, which will likely mean gritting your teeth through the periodic get-togethers.
She seems to have made the decision that enduring the difficulty of seeing them just a few times per year outweighs the who-knows-what fallout of a major blow up. She may, or may not, be right, but it is her family -- she knows it best, knows all the history. Tell her that you don't like how they treat her but that you support her in her decision of how to handle the situation. And then back her up 100%.
Greetings,
Why dont you just ignore them? Be Blessed you dont have to see them 365 dys of the yr. You are putting her in the middle. Pray and ask God to change there hearts. Bible does say to honor your Mother and Father. Hard thing to do in some cases, but you smile and be the bigger person.. They will be wondering while your smiling and put the attention on you, give her a break. It doesn't go on forever.
Be Blessed
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