Our Sexual Psychology is Still in the Stone Age. (dating, how to, women)

[Phil75230]

And I mean that literally - for both genders! I think to most rational people, our mate selection choices would be laughable if it weren’t so obviously hurtful to such a large number of people. We’ve all heard complaints about guys wanting an hourglass figure plus a great face and high-energy personality; not to mention the old saw oft-repeated on countless forums: "girls like jerks and shun mild-mannered guys". We’ve all seen (or will see) that MANY, if not most, people with traits highly attractive in the opposite sex do not make high quality lovers (let alone spouses). People grow out of this phase at their own pace, but generally the majority grow out of the “hot girl” “bad boy” infatuation phase by their late 20s or early 30s (or even earlier, if they are strongly interested in permanent relationship status).

My UNprofessional opinion is that we’re still hardwired for attraction to those who excel in survival traits vitally important to hunter-gatherer ways of living despite all our technological progress since we first learned how to grow fields of grain.

In men, attractive traits are strength, power, wealth/resources, confidence, courage, energy, and ability to make quick decisions at a moment’s notice. Certainly these traits are important for hunting deer or wooly mammoths, or driving off wolves, bears, lions, and so forth. So in wilderness societies, those who had these traits were more likely to survive. Likewise, women’s sexual psychology naturally evolved to be attracted to men with these traits.

In women, attractive traits are those that signal great physical and psychological health: hourglass figure (or close to it), charisma and persona (all of which, way before the development of modern medicine, seemed indicators of the physical strength and energy required for childbirth).

Notice that I said NOTHING about morals and ethics, for they certainly aren’t necessary to reproduce (a lack of those might get you killed by or expelled from the tribe in the long run, but the long run’s still plenty of time to pass your genes on). All evolution cares about is whether some creature passes on their genes before it dies.

BUT…Today…we live in a completely different environment - ones in which the old heroic Alpha Male and Female traits have no direct bearing on human survivability. These days, human progress depends more on the following traits than they do the old traditional Alpha Male/Female ones:

*creativity - ability to dream up novel solutions to old problems, both scientific and human relations (it takes more creativity to solve 21st century CE problems than it does 210th century BCE ones)

*openmindedness - the ability and willingness to admit that you don’t have it all figured out, and even if you do think so that you aren’t so attached to your views that you get defensive about anything that opposes your ideas of how the world works. Today’s world is much more complex than the 12,007 BCE one.

*Tolerance of difference, including radical differences - we hear of and even meet a much greater variety of humans, cultures, ideas, behaviors, mentalities, etc than we did in the distant (or in some cases even not-so-distant) past.

*compassion / empathy / sympathy - important to reducing suffering in the world. This is not “namby-pamby touchy-feeli-ism” - it’s a real recognition of the fact that our leaders weald far more power than in the past. Furthermore, it’s also a real recognition that human psychology proved much more complicated than it was assumed to be even 20 years ago. Understanding and wanting to help people overcome their problems (or at least not add to them) is VITALLY important if humanity is to reach its maximum productivity of its talents, education, etc. for the benefit of all.

So, if all these noble traits are so good, then why is our sexual psychology (especially youthful ones) still so hard-wired to be attracted to the more superficial traits? The answer I think is simple - we’re still the same old human beings. Our sexual psychology’s evolution has not kept pace with our technological development.

This seems to me to be a major reason why so many of us (me included) make such illogical choices in our lovers and spouses. Not only do the old Alpha traits serve no directly useful purpose, they are actually counterproductive from an evolutionary point of view and - I believe - even a threat to humanity’s survival.

[MainStreet]

Hi Phil,

I think this thread is the equivalent of a Stealth Bomber doing a slow fly over before the Indianapolis 500.

There is definitely something going on. I contribute it to plastic (seriously.)

Me? I'm holding out for an alpha....even if he's the last one on earth and looks like Steve Buscemi.

I collect books on early Arctic and Antarctic exploration. Back when men were men and women paced widow's walks. We just aren't challenged like we used to be.



{now if I, somehow, missed the mark on your academic thread; forgive. Give me credit for attempting to respond before your post was ticked down to page two. }

[Cosmic]

Maybe also invent some new tools. Men and women are doing it the same old ways as the cave folks did.

First, we need to put bar codes on the active parts. Like maybe can just tattoo the guys tool. Then only part numbers series 9999-SBQ-2333Q can mate with part numbers series 7777-LUV. Issue rules to guide other rules, about like getting car and all the paper work that goes with it. Least you might have a chance of getting a snug fit up without a lot of trial and error.

Then maybe change the design of what plugs into what. Sort of like they do with fuel nozzles. Some parts are round, some are square, etc. Maybe make it so some type parts will lock together. Like some electrical plugs, you push then twist. Some guys will use any orifice, even those with teeth in them. Got to have more rules about what can fit into what.

Then the idea of making your tool rotate. Lots to be done here. Longer lasting with a carbide tip.

Does make you wonder how them cave guys did it. Did they use all the surfaces available? Did they just do what felt good?

Yep, this modern society needs to be rewired. Should start with the babes first. Brains should come with plug boards. If you don't like a function, just move the wires around a bit. I hate that relocating everything in a room. Wonder if they did the same thing in a cave.

We need humans that come with model numbers. Like get a Smoothride ZX-600. Know what you are getting, charge it to the credit card. Hope the warranty holds out before you trash it.

You know it could work for the guys. The babes will mess it up. All of them will try to order a Good Man and not want to have to go up to Alaska for delivery. They probably never would read the instruction book either or be able to program him. Probably also want a type of tool they can access via a cell phone. That could be taking bio-engineering just a bit too far.

[Rance]

Well at least we don't use clubs to pick up chicks these days. Night clubs maybe...but not billy clubs.

[lionking]

well I won't argue the point,I know what I like,though it's not written in stone (pun).That means that even though I have certain qualities I prefere,there is always a chance that someone else might click with me...at least me liking them.


Flashes of Gieco commercials`are running thru my head now.

[Huckleberry3911948]

to some, i am a touchy feely kind of guy. so please disregard this post. but i would like to offer for those that are still reading my post--- this age is very much like the elizabethan period, big push for men to take on courtly manners and tone down male agression big time, no cave man stuff. there has been a big methodical push over a 40 year period, to neuter, some of it advocated by womens movement but not entirely. the result has been a type of male behavior that not everybody likes. but its here to stay. i think its getting harder and harder to get marlboro men. you got to go to ethnic groups to get it and we do for various reasons. but the apologetic passive/agressive white guy, you see spoken of on the thread so often in a negative manner, is a creature of our own creation, he did not come this way.
a mexican expression, la mula no era arica, lo hizieron, the mule was not difficult and stubborn people made him that way. i will go have my milk toast now.

[Phil75230]

Hi Main Street,

First, TY for rescuing my post from "Page 2" in the nick of time


My real points are to get people to be aware of not only what traits they are attracted to, but WHY they are attracted to them (i.e. what process was it that they became to be attracted to the wrong partners). If people understand the thought processes (or hormonal ones) that caused them to be attracted to certain traits in a potential mate, AND learned to question whether that trait truly is a reliable indicator of fitness for matehood, (or even friendship!), then people can better figure out why they make bad choices in lovers and spouses. THEN and ONLY then can we even begin to correct our problems in this very important regard (not just for us, but for our children as well [I’m committed child free. I say this to those who desire to have or already have children]) .

I gave my assessment of the situation above, and was just posting it to garner reactions.

[Phil75230]

Cosmic,

If you intended humor in your post, I did not see it. If you think my post is a whole bunch of B.S., then tell me exactly where I went wrong. I'm well into adulthood and so can handle criticism. I'm also sophisticated enough to know that painting negative caricatures on my comments doesn't do a thing to refute my point. It frankly makes you look like a sarcastic jerk. So either open your mind to what I have to say or challenge my post with intelligent and mature point-by-point refutation. That way, we're more likely to take you seriously.

[Pikantari]

Phil

I enjoyed your post, and I thought it was right on.

Robyn

[miu]

Phil75230 - I understand your initial post. I call it human or animal nature. But for me, I feel that I have evolved beyond your Stone Age mentality. When I first stared dating, I did have more of that Stone Age mentality. However, over the years, every time I got out of a relationship, I would take a break from the dating scene to think about my mistakes and cleanse myself of the old baggage. Consequently, I feel that every succeeding relationship got better for me. Plus I am not bitter about my exes as I take responsibility for my share of what went wrong in my past.

So I feel very good about my current situation. It's only been three years, but we both feel very optimistic about our relationship. The communication is good. We are best friends also. We never take each other for granted.

So pro actively using my brain and accessing my memory banks has helped me evolve beyond a Stone Age mentality about finding my perfect mate. It's a simple matter of learning from my past experiences and using some commonsense.