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So I took the whole week of Thanksgiving off and we drove down to see my fam in Florida. This was the most time I've spent with my son since we moved and it made me realize how much I missed him. His birthday was on the first and my bf took cupcakes to school and I about had a meltdown looking at the photos because I felt awful for missing it.
So today I got home at 8:30 (again) and my son had already gone to bed so I was a little sad. I took a shower, ate dinner and then just kinda sat in my rocking chair. So in comes my boyfriend:
Him: what's wrong?
Me: Nothing (because there's really nothing wrong...I'm just thinking)
Him: Are you sure?
Me: Yep...just thinking.
So he leaves and I sit there watching tv for a little bit then I go to bed. So once we're in bed he starts again with the "what's wrong" and finally he says "don't tell me nothing; talk to me" and so I just started talking.
I tell him how sometimes I feel selfish because I work so much and that it bothers me that I drop my son off at school and then don't see him until the next day and that it makes me jealous when he calls for "Daddy" instead of "Mommy" and how I hate having to miss all his school functions and that I feel like a bad parent and how I wonder if my son hates me and on and on and on...so after a while I'm crying and just blabbering.
As soon as he feels the first tear on his chest he snaps into "fix-it" mode...maybe we can do this...maybe we can do that...you won't always be this busy...maybe we should do this...and it totally pissed me off.
This isn't something he can fix...these are just my feelings. I understand that he doesn't like to see me upset but is it wrong of me to just want to be able to express myself and have him listen without trying to find a solution?
I mean if there's one person I should be able to talk to about this, it should be him....I just listened as he went down a list of possible ways to fix my feelings and now he's asleep and I'm sitting in the living room upset and I don't even know why I'm upset...and I've tried to explain to him before that sometimes I just want him to listen, to just let me explain how I'm feeling, to just let me cry for a minute but his reply is always that he doesn't see the point in complaining and getting depressed about something without thinking of ways to fix it...
I'm overall happy with my life..I understand that things won't always be like that, I know that my son doesn't hate me and in reality he probably doesn't even realize I should be there and I understand that I should be grateful that I have a job and that he's a good father but I'm just having an emotional moment and now I'm feeling like if I can't share my emotions with the person who claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me then who can I share them with?
So I took the whole week of Thanksgiving off and we drove down to see my fam in Florida. This was the most time I've spent with my son since we moved and it made me realize how much I missed him. His birthday was on the first and my bf took cupcakes to school and I about had a meltdown looking at the photos because I felt awful for missing it.
So today I got home at 8:30 (again) and my son had already gone to bed so I was a little sad. I took a shower, ate dinner and then just kinda sat in my rocking chair. So in comes my boyfriend:
Him: what's wrong?
Me: Nothing (because there's really nothing wrong...I'm just thinking)
Him: Are you sure?
Me: Yep...just thinking.
So he leaves and I sit there watching tv for a little bit then I go to bed. So once we're in bed he starts again with the "what's wrong" and finally he says "don't tell me nothing; talk to me" and so I just started talking.
I tell him how sometimes I feel selfish because I work so much and that it bothers me that I drop my son off at school and then don't see him until the next day and that it makes me jealous when he calls for "Daddy" instead of "Mommy" and how I hate having to miss all his school functions and that I feel like a bad parent and how I wonder if my son hates me and on and on and on...so after a while I'm crying and just blabbering.
As soon as he feels the first tear on his chest he snaps into "fix-it" mode...maybe we can do this...maybe we can do that...you won't always be this busy...maybe we should do this...and it totally pissed me off.
This isn't something he can fix...these are just my feelings. I understand that he doesn't like to see me upset but is it wrong of me to just want to be able to express myself and have him listen without trying to find a solution?
I mean if there's one person I should be able to talk to about this, it should be him....I just listened as he went down a list of possible ways to fix my feelings and now he's asleep and I'm sitting in the living room upset and I don't even know why I'm upset...and I've tried to explain to him before that sometimes I just want him to listen, to just let me explain how I'm feeling, to just let me cry for a minute but his reply is always that he doesn't see the point in complaining and getting depressed about something without thinking of ways to fix it...
I'm overall happy with my life..I understand that things won't always be like that...I understand that I should be grateful that I have a job and that he's a good father but I'm just having an emotional moment and now I'm feeling like if I can't share my emotions with the person who claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me then who can I share them with?
I understand - take a few deep breaths though, you got yourself pretty worked up
Here's the thing, what you want (someone to just listen and be supportive) is completely understandable and reasonable, it's how we woman for the most part are hard-wired.
BUT, guys are hard-wired to see a problem and attack it. I know it's not what you wanted or needed, but it's what guys do - they go into fixit mode. This is his way of showing you he cares and loves you, he wants to make whatever is upsetting you go away.
For tonight you probably just need to hit the sack and get some sleep, things always look better in the morning. Later when you are not feeling so emotional you should have a conversation with him where you just explain to him what you really need from him when you get like that.
Then tell him the next time you just need someone to listen that you're going to remind him of that so that he can take his Mr. Fixit hat off and just be there for you. It won't come natural to him to do that, but if you remind him he should be able to give you what you need. Bottom line is, we all have the right to ask for what we need from those that love us - but they have to clearly understand what we are saying we need or they won't always give it to us
No your not being unreasonable - and wow, sounds like he really loves you a lot. You can work on the issue of getting him to just listen, he'll catch on after a while. But for now, I would enjoy the fact that he cares enough about you and your son to talk about the future, try to console you and want to make you feel better and just the fact that he really is listening to you!
So I took the whole week of Thanksgiving off and we drove down to see my fam in Florida. This was the most time I've spent with my son since we moved and it made me realize how much I missed him. His birthday was on the first and my bf took cupcakes to school and I about had a meltdown looking at the photos because I felt awful for missing it.
So today I got home at 8:30 (again) and my son had already gone to bed so I was a little sad. I took a shower, ate dinner and then just kinda sat in my rocking chair. So in comes my boyfriend:
Him: what's wrong?
Me: Nothing (because there's really nothing wrong...I'm just thinking)
Him: Are you sure?
Me: Yep...just thinking.
So he leaves and I sit there watching tv for a little bit then I go to bed. So once we're in bed he starts again with the "what's wrong" and finally he says "don't tell me nothing; talk to me" and so I just started talking.
I tell him how sometimes I feel selfish because I work so much and that it bothers me that I drop my son off at school and then don't see him until the next day and that it makes me jealous when he calls for "Daddy" instead of "Mommy" and how I hate having to miss all his school functions and that I feel like a bad parent and how I wonder if my son hates me and on and on and on...so after a while I'm crying and just blabbering.
As soon as he feels the first tear on his chest he snaps into "fix-it" mode...maybe we can do this...maybe we can do that...you won't always be this busy...maybe we should do this...and it totally pissed me off.
This isn't something he can fix...these are just my feelings. I understand that he doesn't like to see me upset but is it wrong of me to just want to be able to express myself and have him listen without trying to find a solution?
I mean if there's one person I should be able to talk to about this, it should be him....I just listened as he went down a list of possible ways to fix my feelings and now he's asleep and I'm sitting in the living room upset and I don't even know why I'm upset...and I've tried to explain to him before that sometimes I just want him to listen, to just let me explain how I'm feeling, to just let me cry for a minute but his reply is always that he doesn't see the point in complaining and getting depressed about something without thinking of ways to fix it...
I'm overall happy with my life..I understand that things won't always be like that, I know that my son doesn't hate me and in reality he probably doesn't even realize I should be there and I understand that I should be grateful that I have a job and that he's a good father but I'm just having an emotional moment and now I'm feeling like if I can't share my emotions with the person who claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me then who can I share them with?
Yes, you ARE unreasonable and I'm not even going to read what you typed!! lol.....j/k
Well, first of all, it sounds like you really have a good man! Do you know how rare it is to have a man that will actually listen to you and really care?
Regardless, I'm tired of women complaining that after they vent themselves on their man that they hate it when he goes into "fix it" mode. If that's the case, then females need to CHECK THEMSELVES and not vent on their man! When you feel like clamming up go to a female friend, a homosexual male, your parents, or hell, even City DATA if you really just need to vent but want no solutions offered.
I don't think it is just a man thing. When someone comes to me upset or crying about something, my first inclination is to help them find a solution. The goal is to find a way to ease their pain. We are wired to avoid pain, as human beings. What kind of partner would he be if he didn't try to find a way to ease your pain?
At the same time, how would he know when to offer and not offer an alternative? Do you plan on venting, just to vent, all the time?
Yes, you ARE unreasonable and I'm not even going to read what you typed!! lol.....j/k
Well, first of all, it sounds like you really have a good man! Do you know how rare it is to have a man that will actually listen to you and really care?
Regardless, I'm tired of women complaining that after they vent themselves on their man that they hate it when he goes into "fix it" mode. If that's the case, then females need to CHECK THEMSELVES and not vent on their man! When you feel like clamming up go to a female friend, a homosexual male, your parents, or hell, even City DATA if you really just need to vent but want no solutions offered.
While I do agree that more woman should find girlfriends or others to vent to every once in a while to give their men a break, I also think that this is one of those areas in a relationship where a balance has to be struck. Women should be able to count on their men to just patiently listen to them sometimes - if you are always having to go outside of your relationship to talk about what is upsetting you in life then the relationship will not be very strong.
Women need to accept the way men naturally deal with things, but men need to understand that women's needs will differ from their own. When there is respect for both ways and attempts by both parties to show respect for what each need, then you have that balance.
So I took the whole week of Thanksgiving off and we drove down to see my fam in Florida. This was the most time I've spent with my son since we moved and it made me realize how much I missed him. His birthday was on the first and my bf took cupcakes to school and I about had a meltdown looking at the photos because I felt awful for missing it.
So today I got home at 8:30 (again) and my son had already gone to bed so I was a little sad. I took a shower, ate dinner and then just kinda sat in my rocking chair. So in comes my boyfriend:
Him: what's wrong?
Me: Nothing (because there's really nothing wrong...I'm just thinking)
Him: Are you sure?
Me: Yep...just thinking.
So he leaves and I sit there watching tv for a little bit then I go to bed. So once we're in bed he starts again with the "what's wrong" and finally he says "don't tell me nothing; talk to me" and so I just started talking.
I tell him how sometimes I feel selfish because I work so much and that it bothers me that I drop my son off at school and then don't see him until the next day and that it makes me jealous when he calls for "Daddy" instead of "Mommy" and how I hate having to miss all his school functions and that I feel like a bad parent and how I wonder if my son hates me and on and on and on...so after a while I'm crying and just blabbering.
As soon as he feels the first tear on his chest he snaps into "fix-it" mode...maybe we can do this...maybe we can do that...you won't always be this busy...maybe we should do this...and it totally pissed me off.
This isn't something he can fix...these are just my feelings. I understand that he doesn't like to see me upset but is it wrong of me to just want to be able to express myself and have him listen without trying to find a solution?
I mean if there's one person I should be able to talk to about this, it should be him....I just listened as he went down a list of possible ways to fix my feelings and now he's asleep and I'm sitting in the living room upset and I don't even know why I'm upset...and I've tried to explain to him before that sometimes I just want him to listen, to just let me explain how I'm feeling, to just let me cry for a minute but his reply is always that he doesn't see the point in complaining and getting depressed about something without thinking of ways to fix it...
I'm overall happy with my life..I understand that things won't always be like that, I know that my son doesn't hate me and in reality he probably doesn't even realize I should be there and I understand that I should be grateful that I have a job and that he's a good father but I'm just having an emotional moment and now I'm feeling like if I can't share my emotions with the person who claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me then who can I share them with?
Men and women are wired totally different. You cannot expect a chicken to behave like a llama. You cannot put a pot of soup in the refrigerator and then be angry when it does not behave like a stove.
We all have a purpose in this big silly world. Women are made to feel and men are made to *do*. This is the truth of it.
He is trying to help in the only possible way that he understands. You are interpreting this through a woman's eyes (naturally), and you are not understanding that he CANNOT ever think, feel, behave, relate, express, LIKE A WOMAN.
If we were to talk to him, he would say.... "Why does she just sit there crying and no DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? I try to help her by suggesting things to DO, and she just cries!!!!!"
This is why men think that women are over-emotional, illogical, and irrational. We are NOT all these things, but these men are looking at us through their own eyes and judging us by THEIR standards.
No your not being unreasonable - and wow, sounds like he really loves you a lot. You can work on the issue of getting him to just listen, he'll catch on after a while.
As a man, I can say that is SO hard to do!! It's just so hard to sit at idle and just watch a woman cry without doing SOMETHING. Tears means something is broken and I need to fix it.
IMO, women today lack a critical element of small communities and family support so they often get stuck crying on the shoulder of their DH because nobody else is around, where as, a long time ago they would have 10 other women they could cry their eyes out with who could understand and help her get back on her feet.
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