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Nothing is wrong with you! I can understand where you are coming from. You were born out of dysfunctional circumstances to become a strong, independent woman. Your battle scars have made you resistant against BS and little sympathy is felt for those that have let you down.
You have the opportunity to make a change with your son (as I have with mine) to see you as his pillar of support unlike what we had growing up. Don't feel guilty, keep living your life and providing the best for your son.
You had adoptive parents, imagine feeling it about your own birth mother. To date, I have no real relationshp with her. No calls at birthdays, grandson's birthday, Christmas, etc. it's like talking to a stranger.
All I can say is live for your son, don't get caught up in what could've, should've been done....it will never be. I am glad you have found the opportunity to find happiness with your fiance and I wish the best for all of you!
This is long, I am sorry - no way to shorten it. If you cannot read the entire thing to understand the situation. . please, please, hold comments.
From past threads, many of you know about my 'demonic,' malicious, abusive [adopted] family. If you do not - all you need to know that it was horrific enough to literally walk away from them entirely 2 years ago with a clean break after they told me they never wanted me [adopted at 2 days old], they just put up with me - and adopted Dad said he never loved me AND if he had a receipt to take me back [as in a store] - he would have done so. They do not know our phone numbers, our address - nothing. Extended family protects us from them. Readers Digest version on that.
Last November, I found my biological family. Bio parent's dead, missed them both by 1-1/2 and 2 years, they died 7 months apart. I was in contact w/ my bio siblings who turned out to be psychotic, money grubbing low lives and a bio brother who expressed attraction to me, pathetic - I broke contact off with them ALL - and FAST. At the very end, had to entertain the thought of getting an Attorney on my youngest bio-sister who kept drunk dialing me at all hours of the night screaming about her miserable life and her sexual abuses from our bio father. . making it MY fault because IF I had been around, she might not have been the one [and the next older sister] to have been sexually abused. . it would have been ME, instead. Sick people. Anyway - chapter closed on them - they are gone. Readers Digest version on that.
I've had it up to my ears with family drama. At this same time, I was going through my crap with my ex-husband and divorcing him, trying to keep my sanity. Continuing on. . .
My relationship with my adopted Mom was so-so before 2 years ago. Sometimes good, sometimes bad . . depended on whether my dad was around, and if he was, she treated me like crap to please HIM. She's the reason why I was adopted, she wanted a girl and could not have anymore kids. He [ex-dad] started hating me because of the time I took away from him spending it with her - and he brainwashed her - and welp, she is a bit of a mindless, subservient creature and she did what she was told to do.
Over the summer, I had a real stupid soft-hearted moment - since she had not spoken to my son, I was thinking maybe she missed my son - my son was always Grandma's baby. I told my Aunt to ask her if she would want me to buy and send her a pre-paid cell phone - that I could send to my Aunt's house for her [I don't want her to know our real home and cell phone numbers] so she could at least say hi and talk to my son. I started feeling all sorry for her in my thoughts because she is under such extreme control by her devil of a husband. My Aunt asked her - and ex-Mom declined. What's even more weird is that in that same convo my Aunt had with her, ex-Mom says, "Can you give me her phone number for emergencies?" My Aunt apologized and said that she could not and had to respect my wishes. My Aunt said she just sat there in the passenger seat silent for a few minutes, obviously slighted.
I was miffed when she would not even grab a way to talk to my son. Not like my son really cares - he is disgusted in them both and couldn't care less if he ever sees them again. I don't know what I was thinking - I really don't. Just that stupid soft-hearted junk that creeped up on me.
I talked to one Aunt last week. She told me that my [ex]-Mom was having some heart problems and it was going to be tended to with that dye [?] stuff into her veins to see what's going on with things [not sure about proper medical terms on it, pardon my ignorance, but most I'm sure know what I am talking about]. . .
I did not care. Uninterested really. I was like, "Ah. Really." - and changed the subject.
I spoke to another Aunt a couple days ago and I said to her, "So I hear some bad ju-ju is striking Hitler's home."
She said, "Oh?! - you know about that?" I said, "Yes, Auntie Blah Blah told me." She goes, "Yes. She had a few stents put in Thursday. I guess it was a close call." I shrugged in real life as I was on the phone and I changed the subject.
-----I feel. . . nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Shouldn't I at least feel something? A teenie tear in the corner of my eye or something at least? I hear about LOVE - HATE - THEN THERE'S INDIFFERENCE.
First, I want to say, I read everything and that my heart (yea, I got one) goes out to you due to the fact that your family ( and I use "family" term loosely) gave you such a difficult time. Hugs for you Jeepgirl! ((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118
Am I indifferent? Or am I in a state of such hatred that I am numb??? Have I just been so zapped emotionally in the past 2 years with family stuff that I cannot feel? I always say they are dead to me. . but when I heard that, it's almost like they are totally non-existent. . like I was hearing the news of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend.
Anyone know what this is or are you in the same/similar situation with someone you SHOULD at least have a minor reaction to? What is it? What's wrong with me?
You know there is a process in metallurgy where metal is heated and pounded/folded over time that creates a condition where the metal is hardened and more tougher then what it would be in it's natural state. This can all be measured by the Rockwell test.
Anyhow, I find that a similar process occurs within the human experience. Meaning, people who have gone thorough extreme difficulty in life become hardened and there baseline emotions are reset to be able to handle the higher levels of outside resistance.
Well, in your case, it looks to me like your mind is somewhat unsure of this new territory that your emotions have just chartered. In other words, you're apprehensive that your not "feeling" anything.
As far as similar situations? Yes, I have lost one to many people to be able to cry anymore or care (**Yawn**) Not that I'm cold but, there is NOTHING you can do to bring back somebody who is dead so I just deal with it like taking out the garbage and just use the energy to improve my quality of life (or others).
Thank you, everyone. Seriously, this means a lot to me.
There's more.
I have SOOOO much to get off my chest. Uhg, I am sooo sorry for making your eyes bleed! I've just been keeping this all inside and it's compiling to such a degree - I'm making myself nuts at times.
After all is said and done. . .I have soooooo many new, unfamiliar emotions going on inside. My life is taking on so many new [GOOD] changes, so fast. Yet - so foreign to me. In conjunction, I am changing as well. Every day is like getting to know myself again somewhat.
Just went through such an emotional war as stated above. . . and now, I have this GREAT guy. . no, really, a seriously great, genuine, loving man that can't wait to marry me that tells me every other day how he wishes we could be married 'tomorrow' [he keeps trying to get me to move up the date, not forcing me, but just by wishing and in hopes I will----and before you ask, a March wedding was set by me, so I am good with it and do not feel rushed at all] - I do love him very much. . . and I wonder a couple times a day whether I deserve him - or what I did to deserve him. . just for the fact that his love is so relentless. I even called some of my friends to see if they were paying him to sweep me off my feet! lolol - His patience with me - I have never seen ANYTHING like it in my life - I mean NOTHING like it at all. I have not ever once had anyone love me so much that has forgiven me for stupid bullpoo in how I treated him in the past 16 months, my beotchiness, my bi-polar-like moody moments, the brush-offs, ignoring his calls for 3 months straight, etc. - and he wants to continue embracing me and forgiving me for things - anything - for the rest of his life, no matter what it is, even if it were cheating, he said. He even told me that he means it so much that he would enter a Covenant Marriage w/ me to prove just how much he means it. [NooOOOooo, I am not doing that, I have read the horror stories - but I appreciate his gesture, lol] . . .I don't know, beside my charm , maybe it's his sensitivity and compassionate heart to my past and what I have been through too. I'm WOWED. I do not know what I did to deserve this or what sort of orders I've thrown in request out into the universe, but whatever it was. . I'm grateful! Maybe I am not supposed to figure it out. . .
I show emotional vulnerabilities and weakness in this relationship like I have not ever shown before to my ex-husband. When I showed any weakness to my ex, his answer was to just suck it up and eff 'em all. I have new freedoms in this relationship to be me and express. It seems to draw my Fiance closer like a light to a moth - and it confuses me. I've always been the "tough cookie" - the strong one. I already HAD to be, it's kinda neat to have someone to lean on and I am learning to accept that its ok. Trying to swallow it.
When he tells me how much he loves me . . . you know how kids who do not get very many things are SOOOOO grateful when they receive something that they are just totally WOWED and overwhelmed??? That's me. When he tells me, I'm like a child whose eyes light up in amazement like it's the first time ever hearing it. It's almost like "Groundhog Day."
I feel like a MARTIAN or a new bird - like I just walked out of a newly cracked shell.
Before you tell me I should see a therapist LOLOL - I have myself convinced that I now NEED to see a therapist to unload all of this BS on and to progress to the next steps in my life and I will be doing so when I get back to Phoenix in February - for myself, my son, for my husband-to-be and his daughter. I think I brought myself to a good point on my own so far, but now I am starting to feel like I have been treading in water for months and need someone to grab my arm up and over the edge to keep from drowning. I see the edge to crawl over at least, a good sign, right? LOL
Old words from growing up that I am not good enough and not deserving are starting to haunt me. I escape and bury my head so much in my business and probably haven't been healing and processing everything like I should have been. So I really, really need to work on this. I know that. Doesn't affect me to the point where I get depressed or want to hurt myself - nothing like that - just makes me go "hmmmm" sometimes - I grow quiet and withdrawal a bit from my friends into my secure little bubble of my son and my business - and will even withdrawal from things like CD. It dominoes. I need to stop doing it by learning how to confront and manage it better instead of being an Ostrich.
I have actually cried alone at night in happiness because I always wished all of my life for a man to love me as he does, it's hard to absorb that it's really even happening. At the same time, those tears have also been of sadness wishing that I had the same belief in myself that he has in me.
Again, sorry this was so long and thanks for reading. I just needed to get it out there. Any words of wisdom are more than welcome.
I burnt 2 cookie sheets worth of choc chip cookies while typing this above, lol - and am going to go take a bubble bath now. . will respond when I get back.
No, your feeling overwhelmed. You have unconditional love from your future hubby,
you deserve it, everyone deserves that.
The holidays are coming as well, your thinking about the past, deprogram
from all the negative, this may sound cruel, but don't let them occupy the
space in your mind, they haven't earned it.
My paternal Grandmother for all practical purposes ignored my Mom, my brother, and I. When she died I felt absolutely nothing. I felt bad for a couple of my uncles/aunts who were sad but I felt absolutely nothing for her. For a while I wondered about the nothingness but concluded that from nothing comes nothing and that was that...
When he tells me how much he loves me . . . you know how kids who do not get very many things are SOOOOO grateful when they receive something that they are just totally WOWED and overwhelmed??? That's me. When he tells me, I'm like a child whose eyes light up in amazement like it's the first time ever hearing it. It's almost like "Groundhog Day."
I feel like a MARTIAN or a new bird - like I just walked out of a newly cracked shell.
There's nothing wrong with not allowing toxic people to no longer have access to your feelings or the ability to manipulate your emotions.
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[NooOOOooo, I am not doing that, I have read the horror stories - but I appreciate his gesture, lol] . . .I don't know, beside my charm 
, maybe it's his sensitivity and compassionate heart to my past and what I have been through too. I'm WOWED. I do not know what I did to deserve this or what sort of orders I've thrown in request out into the universe, but whatever it was. . I'm grateful! Maybe I am not supposed to figure it out. . . 
