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What follows is a cut-and-paste copy of the letter that I recently sent to a girl whom I was seeing for a short while over the summer. We had a pretty amazing thing going and had very strong feelings for each other. She was kind, nurturing, intelligent, responsible, warm and just absolutely beautiful. During our time together she told me that what we had was "amazing," that she walked around work all day smiling and thinking about me, that she couldn't believe I actually liked her, that she couldn't wait to be back in my arms, etc. And that was special, because she wasn't the type of girl to say things like that lightly. (A lot of guys liked her, so she could very, very easily have her pick, but she's really not the flimsy, flirtatious type, or the type to constantly talk). We would meet a few times a week during the evening, and when we would say good night, it would take a good hour or so, because we just couldn't stop holding, hugging and kissing each other. I adored her. And it changed my life.
Sadly, one night, while she was out at the bar with some girlfriends, I got drunk and called her, only to get her voice mail. I called again a half-hour later, but got the same thing. And since I was feeling paranoid, and had had my fair share of liquor, I sent her a very selfish, insolent text, saying, "Wow. You just ignored my call. I see how it is. So it was nice knowing you." She called about ten minutes later, but I ignored the call, convinced, for some reason, that I needed to get out of the relationship. The next day I sobered up and left her another voicemail, explaining what had happened and begging her to call me. (This is all just bombastically stupid, I know; I'm not looking for a sermon, because believe me, if anyone already knows how much of an ***hole I was, it's me). She called back and we discussed it. She said, "If you were just some guy I was seeing, I would definitely never talk to you again. But it's you." I told her that I understood and agreed to give her some time to process what had happened. She said that she would probably want to see me later that night, but that she wasn't sure. Needless to say, after she thought about it for a few hours, she changed her mind.
From there she asked for some space, because she had the toughest week of nursing school (where she was class President) starting the very next day and had to put the issue on the back burner. I couldn't handle it, though. I made it two days and then called her, because I was in so much pain, which only made her mad. I calmly asked to see her for just five minutes, thinking that she would be as receptive to me as she'd always been, but she sounded like an entirely different person, and with no tendernes in her voice at all said that she wanted to get off of the phone. I asked what she planned to do about us, and she said, "Look, I've already told you that I don't know and that's not going to change right now. I'm doing my homework and I need to get off of the phone."
She called me five days later and explained that she had thought in detail about the issue and had concluded that she didn't want to continue the relationship. She said that she didn't think we were "emotionally compatible," stating that she was a pretty mellow person and that, while we had been having this incredible emotional experience, and while she really liked me, my inability to give her some space and my fear of losing her were too much. She also said that, because she would be heading back to Texas in two months, (the Army sends you where they want you to go!), it would be unwise for us to keep building the relationship.
I was absolutely destroyed.
I have been told that I'm attractive. I'm 6'3" with an athlietic build and receive attention on occasion from attractive women. It may be that I could move on. But I'm having a very hard time letting go of this whole thing, because it was unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I truly treasured this woman and had my eyes opened to a whole new depth in relationship. My feelings for her were pure; they were innocent and wholesome. I liked her so much. I was just sure she was "the one."
So, if you're a woman, and if you have a spare 15 minutes to read this letter and give some feedback, I'd really appreciate it. Some more of the details are explained over the course of the letter, so I hope you'll read the whole thing, though it's really long. Again, I don't need a sermon about messing up, because I've already beat the living crap out of myself for doing what I did to her. I just want to know how you would feel if you received this letter.
I've been thinking about writing you a letter for awhile now, but haven't known for sure how to go about it. I know that I've texted you several times since we stopped talking, but there's only so much that can be said in a text message, and I don't know if you even read them. I also tried to talk to you at your class' M6 graduation, but you didn't want to talk, (and I understand). When I sent you a friend request on here, I had no intention of writing this, or of discussing anything real meaningful; I just figured that it would be no big deal to be facebook buddies, because people seem to keep it pretty loose on these social sites.
My intention here, though, is to express my final thoughts about the short time you and I spent seeing each other, before that time fades completely out of memory. I guess it's my way of saying the things I wanted to say when our time ended, but really only discussed briefly, if at all. Importantly, this entire message is meant to be constructive and positive, but also genuine and from the heart, which may make it heavy at moments. It will be long, because I tend to be long-winded in everything I write, but also because I want to be thorough.
Here goes:
A week or two ago, I had a text message conversation with M. I told him that I still occasionally thought about the lost relationship that I had with you, even though it's been some time. Eventually, I mentioned fearing that C had painted a bad picture of me to you over the course of our seeing each other, and she saw that text, apparently, because she responded and assured me that she didn't; in fact, she mentioned that she'd stuck up for me when you and I ended, which is really to her credit as a friend. But she also mentioned that W and W told you their opinions about me - opinions that were pretty hurtful when I heard them. I suppose V may have had some insight, too, though she seems like far too good a person to intentionally slander anybody. In any case, I accept responsibility for people talking about my character failures, because I know that I've done enough selfish things in my time to deserve even worse consequences.
I wish that I could describe the path that I've traveled in life - being slapped, punched and kicked as a kid, being beat with a 1x4, having deep welts and bruises on my body that didn't heal for weeks, flinching all the time, being abandoned, being made to feel like a burden in my own home, having good intentions despite messing up a lot, being misunderstood, etc. But I realize that nobody wants to hear anybody else's excuses for not doing right things. It may be that you've heard stories from the people I went to AIT with that are just, plain incorrect, (or not, depending on the story), and it may be that you've drawn some conclusions about me on your own that are incorrect. Either way, regardless of my personal history, I wish that the experiences you and I shared carried some weight with you. For me, they were life-changing.
Starting at the beginning...
I had feelings for you from the first time we ever spoke. I was standing by the refrigerator in M's apartment, and as we conversed, you just took my breath away. I don't remember what we talked about, but I sensed that you were a rare combination of intelligent, compassionate, authentic and warm. Most of all, I thought you were absolutely beautiful. I thought about you for a few days after that. You were just so awesome. And C said that you were a good person. You seemed like a perfect match for me. And I wondered if you liked me, too.
The next time I saw you was at C's birthday party. I figured you were coming, and I was excited. I tried to dress nice, etc., and was looking forward to talking to you again, but when you got there, you were preoccupied with your friends. I remember standing next to you for a second, and I remember you saying "hi," but you turned to talk with someone else, so I walked away. I just figured, "Well, whatever. She apparently isn't interested," and went about my business. I remember seeing you in your guys' barracks once after that, too, but we didn't really talk.
The rest is history. I'm sure you remember it, so there's no need to re-tell it. We saw each other for a short while, shared some pretty special time together, and then I ruined it.
But what does need to be re-told is what happened the night that I texted you - the night you were at the bar in Enumclaw with your friends. I've never said it before, because I've wanted to protect C, but she had told me about the two girls you went with. She told me her opinion about one of them, in particular, and I had heard early on, from some of the guys in your class, about the other girl. Needless to say, I was really worried when you said that you were going out with them.
When I was with R, she took dishonesty to a level that I would never have guessed normal, every-day people would take it to. I joined her world in total innocence, and she did whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, with whomever she wanted, all while telling me how much she loved me. Then, when literally ten or twelve different people came to me, at different times over the course of AIT, with accounts of her cheating on me, she flipped out on me for believing them, as if I had done something wrong. I kept buying her stories, because I thought, "Nah, there's no way someone would be so over-the-top with cheating on someone else - so reckless," but my gut kept screaming at me.
Incidentally, my "faithfulness barometer" got broken. I had been in a relationship prior to that where similar stuff had happened: The girl I was with was someone that I never would have guessed in a million years would do the things behind my back that she did. In both instances, I let my heart and mind get taken to the extreme and still trusted, only to find out that my fears were right the whole time. And in both instances it did real damage.
When you went out that night with your friends, it was my first time actually knowing what you were out doing while you were away from me. (Before that, I only knew that we were apart; I never knew that you were out doing this or that activity with this or that group of people). Like a knee-jerk reaction, my mind started racing. And since I was already struggling with feeling like, "I can't believe this girl actually likes a guy like me," it was that much stronger. I eventually gave in and called you, but you didn't answer. All I could think was, "Why is she hanging out with these girls, and how will she be affected by them? Why the bar scene? Is this really happening again? Nah, she's not like that."
"Is she?"
I remember what I wrote in the first few texts I sent, but after sending the very first one, I went out and started really drinking. I met some friends at a bar in Puyallup and went back to their place after it closed, where we got completely trashed. That's when I sent the ones about you cheating on me. And it really, truly was just the alcohol talking by then. I'm so sorry to have done that to you. You're such a sweet girl, for me to have been such an *******. I was totally bluffing, for what it's worth. I wanted you to call and comfort me so bad. But you don't deserve that nonsense.
The next day, you called and told me that you didn't know how to process what had happened and asked for some time to think it over. You said that you'd call me back later that night, and possibly even meet me somewhere, but by the time you called, you hadn't developed any urge to see me; in fact, it sounded like you wanted to see me even less. You told me that you had a hard week coming up at school and asked for some good, solid space to deliberate. And you didn't indicate whether or not you were ever going to talk to me again, which was why I freaked out. That night began the darkest hour of my entire life. I have never known such hell.
Megan, when you came in to my life, it changed everything. You're soothing and calm. You treat yourself and others with respect. You're nurturing by nature, and you have a real gift for helping people. When you were young, your mom and you used those qualities to find injured animals and nurse them back to health; and I came to you in that same spirit. You were kind to me, even when you saw glimpses of my brokenness. A couple of times you said, "I just want to make you happy." To this day, I can't begin to tell you how powerful it was to have a woman as wonderful as you say that to me. I have no delusions that you're perfect or that you walk on water, but it was never perfection that drew me to you; it was just YOU, plain and simple. YOU were so completely beautiful to me. The way you moved. The way you looked at me. The way you reached for my hand to hold it. The little things you did without even noticing you did them. There was so much I wanted to say to you when we were together, but there truly were not words that could express it, so I had to just hold you in my arms and hope that you would intuitively understand what I was trying to get across. And it seemed like you did. It really seemed like you could sense how much I liked you - how deeply touched I was by who you are. But what you may not have seen is that your being in my life was also healing my broken heart; it was healing old wounds that you didn't even know were there. It was even healing my self-absorbtion and immaturity.
Needless to say, the one thing, above all else, that tears me apart is knowing that you now see me as just another "past relationship;" or even worse, a total mistake.
I have behaved like a fool in life. I have been self-absorbed. I have turned countless conversations in to opportunities to talk about myself. I have done and said things that I knew were destructive. I have been rebellious. I have acted as though my struggles are the only struggles on earth. I have been selfish and an idiot, in so many ways, and completely blind to it. What's worse, I have often knowingly chosen to be selfish and an idiot. I made it impossible for you to be attracted to me, especially at the end of our time together. And yeah, I have been insecure.
But I am not the things that Ward, West and whoever else concluded I am. They're all smart people, and their evaluation of my character is a good one, based on the information that they have, but in this case, they are simply not right. They're as incorrect as if they diagnosed a sober patient in a diabetic emergency as being drunk. I may come across like a ****-up, a narcissist, a tyrant or a lost cause, but I'm not. Like so many others, I'm a pretty seriously wounded person, (I could tell you some horror stories), and I'm trying to cope in a world that I sometimes just don't feel cut out for. The saddest part is that your coming in to my life was curing it. Your affection and companionship were just starting to bring out a side of me that I'd always suspected existed, but never had the strength to actualize, and it was beautiful. If you had stayed with me, I like to think I would have absorbed that trait and used it to help people in my little sphere of influence.
You really were inspiring me to grow up.
When you ended things, I thought a lot about the story of the Frog Prince. I realized that stories like that aren't constructed out of thin air; they're a fictional depiction of real life events. Beauty and the Beast is another good example. In both stories, a man who appears on the surface to be hopelessly flawed turns out to be a heartfelt match for a woman who might have disregarded him completely, if she hadn't had a little faith and chosen to look beyond outward appearance. And in both instances, her faith produces in him someone great - someone both powerful and kind.
The funny thing is that that was exactly how I felt when you spent time with me; I felt a sense of maturity welling up inside of me. I felt a real desire to be a better person. And above all things, when I looked in to your eyes, I felt an insatiable desire to be with YOU. When I held you, I would have done anything to protect you. Anything. I would even have laid down my own will and wishes to make you happy. In fact, I did. When you left, every ounce of everything in me wanted to call you every five minutes. I wanted to plead with you. I wanted to explain myself. I wanted to beg you to reconsider your decision. My heart was wide open, and it was killing me. But I knew you were studying for the NCLEX, and I knew you were turned off by me, so I respected that. I gave you the space that I hadn't in the preceding week. I waited an entire month before I contacted you - until you had taken the NCLEX. I was devastated, but I honored your need for separation.
I know you had to see all of the worst of me right at the beginning, and I know conventional wisdom insists that, in a relationship, if you see red flags within the first six months, you need to get out. But if what I'm saying is true, those issues' being revealed could actually have been a good thing, because the problems we may have encountered a year or two down the road could have been dealt with right up front. And what were the problems, really? That I wanted more of you? Believe it or not, like you, I could never stand having someone up in my space seven days a week. My dad and step mom have the warmest, most affectionate, healthy, mature relationship I have ever seen, and they get away from each other all the time. All the time. I can't imagine it being any other way.
And what were the other problems? That I was insecure? That was an easy fix. Every trace of that insecurity disappeared when you held me. Everything corrected itself. I felt like I had to protect myself from going through what I'd been through in past relationships, and I was having a hard time placing you, in terms of character, because I hadn't developed a clear picture of your private behavior yet. So yeah, I was even more insecure than normal. But believe me when I tell you that that is not an accurate look at what I'm like. You told me, "all of it is who you are," but, again, that's simply not the most accurate view. That's like saying that a pro athlete is bad at his sport because you saw him play poorly in one game - a game he played with a broken arm.
You saw me at my very lowest - in a ****ty place in life to begin with, and scared to death at the prospect of losing a girl I was crazy about - so you concluded that I had issues too deep to warrant investing in me. I understand why, so don't feel bad. I know that my emotion seemed too strong, and I know that it freaked you out. I just wish that you would have opted to look at the bigger picture. Kissed the frog. Befriended the Beast. Because that emotion had everything to do with my valuing you, and nothing to do with an emotional malfunction. That's important, too, because it seemed like your entire decision to end things with me hinged on that distinction.
If you're seeing someone else, know that I definitely don't want to interfere with that. If I knew you were seeing someone, I wouldn't send this to you. All I'm saying is that my opinion on the feelings you felt when I walked with you, talked with you, held your hand, hugged your body, and kissed your lips, is that they weren't just coming from chemicals being released in your brain. I don't think it was just a rush of dopamine that you liked about spending time with me. And it obviously wasn't that I had the typical superficial or material things to offer you, either. What I think was so powerful about it was that you could sense that that part of me which makes me who I am - my heart, or soul, or whatever you want to call it - was completely surrendured to you. I could have sworn you felt it. In fact, in as many words, you told me you did. You told me that you could feel the sincerity in the way I held you, that you missed my touch, that it was "amazing," and that, when you were away from me, you wanted to be back in my arms. And I think that the only way that touch can feel so sincere is if the person giving it truly adores you.
You and I stood outside the Pita Pit and held each other one night. I kissed you, looked at you for a second, looked at the ground, and told you that I was in love with you. And I meant it, Megan. I really meant it. You were so precious to me.
I guess all that's left to say is that there was an endless supply of what it was that you were getting from me. It never would have ended. It would have grown deeper, changed and matured, but it never would have died out, because it was the real thing. It was just the beginnings of the real thing - and I don't want to come across like I'm saying that you and I were madly in love, because we weren't together long enough for that - but it was the beginning of something truly unique. Like the animals you rescued, you would have found in me a companion who knew from the deepest place in his heart that you had given him a chance when not many other people would, and you would have found the devotion that only that circumstance can create.
So it's to your nurturing side that I'm writing this letter. I realize there's about a one percent chance that you'll receive it like I wish you would, but it's to that one percent that I'm writing. I definitely don't expect you to be swept off of your feet and fire back an impassioned response. I just ask that you reflect on the things I've written and see if any of it rings true. See how it makes you feel - if it makes you feel like a guy you were seeing for a month is being stage-five clingy and not moving on, or if it feels like there's more to it.
Crucially, if you've had the impression, over the course of this letter, that I'm laying on my couch, depressed and broken-hearted over this, rest easy knowing that I'm not. I'm doing fairly well, and this matter only occupies my mind when I let it, with occasional exceptions. If my tone here suggests otherwise, it's because I'm expressing how much I treasured you without holding back. And I can't apologize for that. You can't come in to someone's life, touch them as deeply and beautifully as you did me, and then expect them to just forget. On the other hand, I don't want you to think that I can't live without you, or any of that type of thing. That's not the message here.
I'm (finally) starting my ***** job in a few days, and I'm really looking forward to it. I seem to have a real personal affinity for medicine, and I can't wait to start getting in to it. I don't think I'll stick with paramedicine, so I've been researching all of the directions a medical professional can go, and I've enrolled in pre-med classes at *****, with pretty serious aspirations of being a PA, or even a doctor. I've also quit drinking, which has been a real, live dream come true. All in all, I have a sense that good things are on the horizon.
But how do I just forget the time we shared?
You're an extraordinary woman, Megan. You're going to be a great nurse. Some day you're going to be an amazing wife. And I think you would be the absolute best mom. The one small month that you contributed to my life affected me so deeply that, sometimes, when I'm falling asleep at night, I still imagine holding you against my body, and it still moves me like nothing ever has. I remember your eyes. I remember them perfectly. They were so captivating that it almost hurt to look at them. I remember your smile. I remember the contours of your face. I imagine that the way I saw you was a lot like the way people describe seeing their newborn children: Magical. Beyond describing. Especially toward the end of our time together. I would just look at you, erupting inside with adoration. And for those moments, I was the happiest man in the universe.
It may be that I'll someday meet someone else who will love me and whom I will love. But as you can see, for now, though it's four months from the end of our time together, if you wanted me, I would come running.
And I never told you this, but when I would kiss you, I would rest my lips against yours and mouth the words "I love you."
With My Heart,
Ryan
Hi Ryan,
I did not read the letter but you just wrote an epic to a woman looking for some space. If she is easy going then its the last thing she would want to read. I suspect it is full of emotional baggage which will make you appear as insecure as ever. Just skimming it I noticed you subordinated yourself as an inferior being. I suspect she will despise this.
I know that you are hurting, but you have SERIOUSLY got to give her some space. You are already being too persistent and this letter would be the nail in the coffin. I can't say whether or not this is truly over, but you do have to give her some space and some time. In the meantime you HAVE to go on with your life and not wait for her. She may come around, she may not, but please do not send her this letter.
Ryan, just finished reading the letter. Yep, that's a terrible, terrible idea. Perhaps you should keep a journal or something to let out your feelings in future without sending people such creepish letters.
I did not read the letter but you just wrote an epic to a woman looking for some space. If she is easy going then its the last thing she would want to read. I suspect it is full of emotional baggage which will make you appear as insecure as ever. Just skimming it I noticed you subordinated yourself as an inferior being. I suspect she will despise this.
a little OT here. Sorry.
gwynedd1 - I am the queen of quoting posts but man, was it necessary to quote the WHOLE DANG LETTER just to reply with four sentences?
I read the letter. Too long for someone who really wants nothing to do with you. And I have to say that I would not have responded.
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I wish that I could describe the path that I've traveled in life - being slapped, punched and kicked as a kid, being beat with a 1x4, having deep welts and bruises on my body that didn't heal for weeks, flinching all the time, being abandoned, being made to feel like a burden in my own home, having good intentions despite messing up a lot, being misunderstood, etc.
This would have sent me running. There is now a history behind your behavior and this is not something many people can recover from.
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But what does need to be re-told is what happened the night that I texted you - the night you were at the bar in Enumclaw with your friends. I've never said it before, because I've wanted to protect C, but she had told me about the two girls you went with. She told me her opinion about one of them, in particular, and I had heard early on, from some of the guys in your class, about the other girl. Needless to say, I was really worried when you said that you were going out with them.
You can worry, but you are basically saying that you put her through what you did partly because of something someone told you about someone you don't really know.
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Incidentally, my "faithfulness barometer" got broken......In both instances, I let my heart and mind get taken to the extreme and still trusted, only to find out that my fears were right the whole time. And in both instances it did real damage.
You're telling her she paid for what your exes did to you. Again, I'd run.
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When you went out that night with your friends, it was my first time actually knowing what you were out doing while you were away from me. (Before that, I only knew that we were apart; I never knew that you were out doing this or that activity with this or that group of people). Like a knee-jerk reaction, my mind started racing. And since I was already struggling with feeling like, "I can't believe this girl actually likes a guy like me," it was that much stronger. I eventually gave in and called you, but you didn't answer. All I could think was, "Why is she hanging out with these girls, and how will she be affected by them? Why the bar scene? Is this really happening again? Nah, she's not like that."
"Is she?"
You're confirming what she already knows, trust me.
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I remember what I wrote in the first few texts I sent, but after sending the very first one, I went out and started really drinking. I met some friends at a bar in Puyallup and went back to their place after it closed, where we got completely trashed. That's when I sent the ones about you cheating on me. And it really, truly was just the alcohol talking by then. I'm so sorry to have done that to you. You're such a sweet girl, for me to have been such an *******. I was totally bluffing, for what it's worth. I wanted you to call and comfort me so bad. But you don't deserve that nonsense.
Alcohol, I'm sure you know, is no excuse. But this is also about a real basis of emotional immaturity...and it only gets worse when you drink. This is what she has to look forward to and you just confirmed it for her.
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The next day, you called and told me that you didn't know how to process what had happened and asked for some time to think it over. You said that you'd call me back later that night, and possibly even meet me somewhere, but by the time you called, you hadn't developed any urge to see me; in fact, it sounded like you wanted to see me even less. You told me that you had a hard week coming up at school and asked for some good, solid space to deliberate. And you didn't indicate whether or not you were ever going to talk to me again, which was why I freaked out. That night began the darkest hour of my entire life. I have never known such hell.
She told you she needed space to think about things. When she says she needs time to think, that means she will eventually talk to you again. You wanted security and encouragement from her despite the fact that you took that from her. You act on your emotions instead of reason and fact. Again, you just confirmed this for her.
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But what you may not have seen is that your being in my life was also healing my broken heart; it was healing old wounds that you didn't even know were there. It was even healing my self-absorbtion and immaturity.
So, you admit that you were self absorbed and immature and broken, yet you chose to enter into a relationship. Telling her that she was healing you is not comforting in the least. And you were clearly not healed enough because you were self-absorbed and immature in the way you treated her.
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I have behaved like a fool in life. I have been self-absorbed. I have turned countless conversations in to opportunities to talk about myself. I have done and said things that I knew were destructive. I have been rebellious. I have acted as though my struggles are the only struggles on earth. I have been selfish and an idiot, in so many ways, and completely blind to it. What's worse, I have often knowingly chosen to be selfish and an idiot. I made it impossible for you to be attracted to me, especially at the end of our time together. And yeah, I have been insecure.
More baggage confirmed.
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But I am not the things that Ward, West and whoever else concluded I am. They're all smart people, and their evaluation of my character is a good one, based on the information that they have, but in this case, they are simply not right. They're as incorrect as if they diagnosed a sober patient in a diabetic emergency as being drunk. I may come across like a ****-up, a narcissist, a tyrant or a lost cause, but I'm not. Like so many others, I'm a pretty seriously wounded person, (I could tell you some horror stories), and I'm trying to cope in a world that I sometimes just don't feel cut out for.
This is a really common position among abusers, that they are just like everyone else; wounded and trying to cope in a world that just doesn't understand them, has wronged them or is too tough for them. They are the exception. A woman who has enough self-respect to walk upon the first sign of abuse will see this, and she won't be happy at all with the minimizing.
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The saddest part is that your coming in to my life was curing it. Your affection and companionship were just starting to bring out a side of me that I'd always suspected existed, but never had the strength to actualize, and it was beautiful. If you had stayed with me, I like to think I would have absorbed that trait and used it to help people in my little sphere of influence.
BIG RED FLAG. You give her all these kudos, place her on a pedestal, tell her how powerful she was to be able to start "curing" you, but none of that mattered when you did what you did. She wasn't all powerful and healing then. Then say how if she stayed, you would have gotten better. The fact that you think another person could "cure" you, outside of a therapist and you, is very disturbing.
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You really were inspiring me to grow up.
Not enough apparently.
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When you ended things, I thought a lot about the story of the Frog Prince. I realized that stories like that aren't constructed out of thin air; they're a fictional depiction of real life events. Beauty and the Beast is another good example. In both stories, a man who appears on the surface to be hopelessly flawed turns out to be a heartfelt match for a woman who might have disregarded him completely, if she hadn't had a little faith and chosen to look beyond outward appearance. And in both instances, her faith produces in him someone great - someone both powerful and kind.
Now you're romanticizing. They may be stories based on real life experiences, but I can assure you the frog and the beast do not represent someone who does what you did.
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The funny thing is that that was exactly how I felt when you spent time with me; I felt a sense of maturity welling up inside of me. I felt a real desire to be a better person.
Only temporarily.
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And above all things, when I looked in to your eyes, I felt an insatiable desire to be with YOU. When I held you, I would have done anything to protect you. Anything. I would even have laid down my own will and wishes to make you happy.
Another red flag.
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In fact, I did. When you left, every ounce of everything in me wanted to call you every five minutes. I wanted to plead with you. I wanted to explain myself. I wanted to beg you to reconsider your decision. My heart was wide open, and it was killing me. But I knew you were studying for the NCLEX, and I knew you were turned off by me, so I respected that. I gave you the space that I hadn't in the preceding week. I waited an entire month before I contacted you - until you had taken the NCLEX. I was devastated, but I honored your need for separation.
Am I missing something? This is not what you said in your OP:
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From there she asked for some space, because she had the toughest week of nursing school (where she was class President) starting the very next day and had to put the issue on the back burner. I couldn't handle it, though. I made it two days and then called her, because I was in so much pain, which only made her mad. I calmly asked to see her for just five minutes, thinking that she would be as receptive to me as she'd always been, but she sounded like an entirely different person, and with no tendernes in her voice at all said that she wanted to get off of the phone. I asked what she planned to do about us, and she said, "Look, I've already told you that I don't know and that's not going to change right now. I'm doing my homework and I need to get off of the phone."
She called me five days later and explained that she had thought in detail about the issue and had concluded that she didn't want to continue the relationship.
Where does the month of waiting before you called her come in?
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I know you had to see all of the worst of me right at the beginning, and I know conventional wisdom insists that, in a relationship, if you see red flags within the first six months, you need to get out. But if what I'm saying is true, those issues' being revealed could actually have been a good thing, because the problems we may have encountered a year or two down the road could have been dealt with right up front.
You would never have lasted a year or two without revealing this side of you. And dealing with it up front means what exactly? It happens, you "deal" with it, get it out of the way and it never happens again? What motivation or emotional investment would one have to want to "deal with" any of this up front? I don't see the logic in this, really. And it is YOUR job to deal with those problems, not hers.
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And what were the problems, really? That I wanted more of you? Believe it or not, like you, I could never stand having someone up in my space seven days a week. My dad and step mom have the warmest, most affectionate, healthy, mature relationship I have ever seen, and they get away from each other all the time. All the time. I can't imagine it being any other way.
Obviously, that was not the problem.
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And what were the other problems? That I was insecure? That was an easy fix. Every trace of that insecurity disappeared when you held me. Everything corrected itself.
So, when she let go of you it reappeared? There is no "easy fix" for insecurity. And you are either insecure or you're not. Of course it is going to "correct itself" when she is with you and not out of your sight. Basically, she'd have to be with you 24 hours a day in order for you to be right. It still makes you insecure. Again, that is a lot of pressure to put on a person.
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I felt like I had to protect myself from going through what I'd been through in past relationships, and I was having a hard time placing you, in terms of character, because I hadn't developed a clear picture of your private behavior yet. So yeah, I was even more insecure than normal.
You just said it was an easy fix, that being in her arms made all the insecurity disappear. Now, you have degrees of insecurity.
You didn't have a clear picture of her character when she had all these healing effects on you? And your first inclination is to think the worst of those who's character you haven't been able to gauge yet. Do you see the problem?
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But believe me when I tell you that that is not an accurate look at what I'm like. You told me, "all of it is who you are," but, again, that's simply not the most accurate view. That's like saying that a pro athlete is bad at his sport because you saw him play poorly in one game - a game he played with a broken arm.
It is when people are faced with challenges that they show who they truly are. It is who you are. It is how you have admittedly been your entire life, so how can you deny that it is who you are? The good news is that you don't have to be this way for the rest of your life.
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You saw me at my very lowest - in a ****ty place in life to begin with, and scared to death at the prospect of losing a girl I was crazy about - so you concluded that I had issues too deep to warrant investing in me.
Sugarcoating, trying to romanticize your lack of control. This is a very common tactic. You were scared about losing a girl you were crazy about because she was out with her friends and didn't answer her phone on your timetable. That means you have issues deep enough to not want to invest any more time with you. You don't seem to see how serious it is. She does.
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I understand why, so don't feel bad. I know that my emotion seemed too strong, and I know that it freaked you out. I just wish that you would have opted to look at the bigger picture. Kissed the frog. Befriended the Beast. Because that emotion had everything to do with my valuing you, and nothing to do with an emotional malfunction. That's important, too, because it seemed like your entire decision to end things with me hinged on that distinction.
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Again with the romanticizing. You are WRONG. It has EVERYTHING to do with emotional malfunction. You do not verbally annihilate someone you VALUE.
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All I'm saying is that my opinion on the feelings you felt when I walked with you, talked with you, held your hand, hugged your body, and kissed your lips, is that they weren't just coming from chemicals being released in your brain. I don't think it was just a rush of dopamine that you liked about spending time with me. And it obviously wasn't that I had the typical superficial or material things to offer you, either. What I think was so powerful about it was that you could sense that that part of me which makes me who I am - my heart, or soul, or whatever you want to call it - was completely surrendured to you. I could have sworn you felt it. In fact, in as many words, you told me you did. You told me that you could feel the sincerity in the way I held you, that you missed my touch, that it was "amazing," and that, when you were away from me, you wanted to be back in my arms. And I think that the only way that touch can feel so sincere is if the person giving it truly adores you.
You and I stood outside the Pita Pit and held each other one night. I kissed you, looked at you for a second, looked at the ground, and told you that I was in love with you. And I meant it, Megan. I really meant it. You were so precious to me.
Tugging on the heartstrings doesn't change what happened and tugging seems very manipulative when you know you have issues and need to fix them. It is your ultimate hope to get her back and trying when you should be getting help is as selfish as it comes. All the warm fuzzies are a complete contrast to the person who sent her nasty text messages while she was out with her friends.
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I guess all that's left to say is that there was an endless supply of what it was that you were getting from me. It never would have ended. It would have grown deeper, changed and matured, but it never would have died out, because it was the real thing. It was just the beginnings of the real thing - and I don't want to come across like I'm saying that you and I were madly in love, because we weren't together long enough for that - but it was the beginning of something truly unique. Like the animals you rescued, you would have found in me a companion who knew from the deepest place in his heart that you had given him a chance when not many other people would, and you would have found the devotion that only that circumstance can create.
How can you say this when you couldn't even handle her not answering a phone call? How can you predict that all this would have gone away, a lifetime of damage, by placing it all in her hands? You don't realize how wrong that is.
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So it's to your nurturing side that I'm writing this letter. I realize there's about a one percent chance that you'll receive it like I wish you would, but it's to that one percent that I'm writing. I definitely don't expect you to be swept off of your feet and fire back an impassioned response. I just ask that you reflect on the things I've written and see if any of it rings true. See how it makes you feel - if it makes you feel like a guy you were seeing for a month is being stage-five clingy and not moving on, or if it feels like there's more to it.
A month is not long at all. It does seem clingy and somewhat desperate a this point.
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Crucially, if you've had the impression, over the course of this letter, that I'm laying on my couch, depressed and broken-hearted over this, rest easy knowing that I'm not. I'm doing fairly well, and this matter only occupies my mind when I let it, with occasional exceptions. If my tone here suggests otherwise, it's because I'm expressing how much I treasured you without holding back. And I can't apologize for that. You can't come in to someone's life, touch them as deeply and beautifully as you did me, and then expect them to just forget. On the other hand, I don't want you to think that I can't live without you, or any of that type of thing. That's not the message here.
This is crucial? It screams "narcissist". This was totally not necessary. Ego talking here, the last thing that needs to be rearing it's ugly head.
As to the rest of it, it's over the top. Again, it looks desperate, especially with it being 4 months since the break up. Why you would bother her now is beyond me, especially when you are not getting help. And I know you aren't because you are in denial over how serious your problem is. Leave that girl alone and work on yourself.
I read your post, but just scanned the letter. Well, she thinks you are weak and needy and not a strong person in your own way and that letter was just the last nail in the coffin of that 'relationship.' You excersised extremely poor judgement and no self control coupled with a lack of any confidence in yourself that is just dripping all over the phone calls and letter. You need to be a stronger person emotionally on your own and for yourself before you can have a truely decent 'relationship' with someone else. The paranoia and the little kid hissy fit with the phone calls are very immature as result of this lack of self confidence.
What you had, also, was a summer fling. Lots of quick closeness and it was like a quick sugar high that you eventually come down off of and see things as they really are over time.
I 2nd this and in addition should you be so fortunate have such an encounter in the future perhaps this experience will have helped you mature emotionally. Oh, the post tells all, no need to read the letter, & wasn't gonna.
Oh, wow. That letter was WOW and NOT in a good way.
Talk about an example of what not to do. PTC gave you a great rundown on the specifics.
I'm sorry, but I think it's over with this girl.
If I was a woman, I would feel:
a.) overwhelmed by the sheer verbosity of your email.
b.) awkward. Really awkward as in, "What am I supposed to say back to that?" Confessionals are not good over email.
c.) immensely turned-off by the neediness in your email.
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So, when she let go of you it reappeared? There is no "easy fix" for insecurity. And you are either insecure or you're not. Of course it is going to "correct itself" when she is with you and not out of your sight. Basically, she'd have to be with you 24 hours a day in order for you to be right. It still makes you insecure. Again, that is a lot of pressure to put on a person.
and in addition should you be so fortunate have such an encounter in the future perhaps this experience will have helped you mature emotionally. Oh, the post tells all, no need to read the letter, & wasn't gonna.
