Sex & Finance

[Joseph Marnix]

Saturday.
Friday night. For the first time, my wife chose to sleep in the other room. I did enter the room and ask her if she was sleeping there. She said she did not want to be disturbed.

I slept ok alone, did not bother thinking things over. I felt rested, but did miss her.

I got up 0600 and hit the gym.

By 0730, everyone was still asleep. I cooked chicken, vege with sliced pinapples and turned it into sweet & sour sauce for the chicken. Made garlic friend rice also. S10 and D4 ate. Yes I like to cook my food. I use to "expect" her to cook, but she didn't, so I choose to cook for me and the kids.

By 0830 wife finally woke up, not sure about D13 yet. Wife made her own breakfast pancake, no greeting, no eye contact. We never had it this bad.

By 0900, I finished washing the dishes and the counters are all clean, granite polished. I ike my kitchen clean, not anal about it, but do practice no clutter at least in this area of my house.

I changed to go to Home Depot to buy a couple of drawer knobs I need to replace.

Wife said they are leaving at 11 am; D13 wanted to go to some mall 40 miles away, for some Vampire Diary T-shirt. I told D13 last night, "no" but apparently, D13 cried to W. W said D13 cried about it. So they are now going.

So I went to Home Depot and came back. When I entered our room, W was changing. I tried to hug her, but she shrugged away. So I actually asked, "not even any form of affection?"

Her reply was, "not until I find a job."

There's not much to say. I will continue to detach. "Do nothing," for now about the M. If the M is done, I think I've been emotionally been there. Even when I think I should feel sad and crying, part of me think it's a waste of time and effort because I have zero control about her actions or inactions. I'm only accountable to myself.

Spending the day at home with S10 and D4. Cooked us lunch. I also manage to get some finance papers files for easier tracking.

[Joseph Marnix]

We did not talk at all Saturday. I slept early, and wife slept in our bedroom.

Sunday, I got up unusually early by 0430, so I hit the gym again; then went home to shower.

I went back to bed 0700, and she got up to use the bathroom. When she got back, I started:

Me: I want to talk. Do you want to talk?

Her: Yes.

Me: First, it's my fault for not validating your feelings about how I don't appreciate you. I do appreciate your time and effort taking care of the kids when I'm out working. For handling the driving to school. PTO meetings, and their school activities. I appreciate how you handle your schedule when time in doctor's appointments become unpredictable.

Me: Instead of validating you, I insisted on my list of things to handle our finances. I just wanted to express that "I am worried about our finances."

Her: I worry about that too.

Me: Yes, I know you worry about that, and I normally do not because in my mind, I can always earn more. But our expenses will go up when D13 goes to high school, and our current spending is not sustainable. Something has to give.

Her: I got my resume updated, but this website want money to print it.

Me: I can show you how to cut-n-paste what you entered into a Word template.

Her: I'm looking in jobs available in school for when D4 starts full time.

Me: Yes, that's one way for SAHM with school kids gets back to the work force.

Me: I know that affection is not part of your Love Language. It is mine. Without affection, I would not feel I am expressing my love to you. I do love you.

Her: You know there was little affection shown in my family. I have not changed in that, but I do like affection from you.

Me: Did your sleep got disturbed in the other room?

Her: No

Me: I slept well here alone. Although it feels empty for a big house.

Her: Well, I'm here now.

Me: I want to make love to you now.

Her: Make sure the door is locked.

...

[Liberated]

Nice!
Glad to hear that communication about your issues has started! Guess we won't be hearing more from you tonight....

[dgfurman]

Yuck. Sounds like a day in my life. And for the record, the door gets locked.....and the next day it's exactly as it was before. I hope you 2 at least will be able to turn things around.

[reneici]

1. I find it revealing you connect sex & finance, and use money as a punishment for your wife not giving you sex. What is she, your hooker?
2. If you don't like how she is spending money, sit down and talk to her and discuss both of your bottom lines. What she thinks is necessary, what you think is necessary. You have to BOTH follow the rules the be fair. You can't make a LIST of things and TELL her what to do. What is she, your employee?
3. To be fair, it does sound like she's more mindless about spending money. But what I think doesn't matter, you have to communicate it to her so she thinks so too.
4. Keeping track of all receipts is a brilliant idea. BOTH of you guys should do it. Keep track of how much money you've spent on Food, on Kids, on Entertainment, on Romance to improve your relationship, on Bills, etc. That's a great idea. But don't give her AN ORDER to do it.
5.

Originally Posted by Joseph Marnix

One other things wife said, "That I don't appreciate her caring for the kids."

I did not respond to her, but I did counter argue that "She did not appreciate me working and earning." Her reply to that was that it was not enough.

It sounds like NEITHER of you is listening to each other!!!!!

She is calling for help, she wants love, she wants to know you appreciate her (so do you). But you "did not respond to her." WHY NOT???
You could simply say, "Thank you for sharing your feelings about how you don't feel appreciated. I'm sorry. I didn't know that I didn't show enough appreciation for you caring for the kids & take care of the house. It's a lot of work. And I remember you did-thisandthis and thatandthat. Thank you. I appreciate you." *HUG HER & KISS HER*
Then continue with, "Thank you again for sharing your feelings with me, can I also share my feelings? I also would love it if you could show more appreciation to me working so hard to provide for you and the kids. I often don't feel that. If you show more appreciation I'll be more motivated to work even harder and make more money."

My bf and I are ALWAYS telling each other how we appreciate each other & what we appreciate each other for. You gotta show it. Don't take it for granted and don't think, "well she knows this."
It sounds like she needs more love from you. It sounds like you need more love from her. But both of you guys are doing this withholding bull****: "I won't give it to you unless you give it to me first."
Give and you'll get.

6. You wanted sex in the morning cuz you were horny. What did you do to turn her on?
If she's not horny she's not gonna want it. If you want it, be smart, and turn her on first. When I don't want it & my bf wants it, he never just forces himself on me & gets grumpy when I say I don't want it. He kisses me, fondles me, gives me oral for 15, 20 minutes, gives me a few Os--then he gets it automatically without even needing to ask cuz I'm totally in the mood!!

Women are a lot easier than you think. And women want sex too. But what you have to check is: what are you doing for her in bed?
Same thing: give and you'll get.

7. I appreciate that you end with your determination to become better. Thank you!

[reneici]

Oh CONGRATS!!!!
I didn't see your most updated post. Great job! I'm so happy for you.

It sounds like you are much better at communicating. Help her show more emotions. It's totally possible. My guy used to be stoic but now he expresses his feelings--positive & negative--everyday. It's great for the relationship.