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JeepGirl - There was no option C... postpone the wedding and take your time to get to know him better. Put off the wedding for a year and just see how things go.
I've never been one to get all excited over V-day. It's just a Hallmark holiday to me. And I see no reason to push my men into giving me gifts just so that I can keep up with the other women in my life, as if it's some sort of contest of who has the better man. And I feel that this holiday is too one-sided and gearing towards guilting men into lavishing dinner, flowers and jewelry on their s/o's. Christmas was only two months ago, so why would I need for my guy to have to gift me all over again?
What I would be more concerned with is how my man treats me all 365 days of the year, not just christmas, V-day and my birthday. And I expect that there will be days where I am not number one in his life. I want him to be happy and involved with other passions in his life, not just obsessed with me. I don't mind if sometimes other friends, his family members or his work and hobbies are foremost on his mind. Why? Because even though I love my boyfriend very very much, I have other passions in my life also. As a well rounded human being, I don't think that V-day is the most important day of the year when I am in a relationship. And that's one of the reasons why when I am single, I don't mind being alone on V-day.
Who V-day really benefits is restaurants, the flower business, the overpriced jewelry shops and delivery boys. It puts more debt on our men's credit cards. And imo V-day unneccessarily stresses out most relationships.
The fact that a woman gets delivered flowers or a stuffed animal on V-day, doesn't mean that her man put all that much special thought into it as it only takes a quick phone call with a credit card in hand... or maybe he asked his secretary to order the flowers and gifts for me. So don't make these gestures more than they really are.
In this economy, I would especially want my man to skip sending me flowers or jewelry at full retail price and putting it on his credit card. I don't even want a Hallmark card from him. It just isn't needed as proof of his love for me. What I do look forward to is quality cuddle time in front of the tv and getting my feet rubbed... every day.
I feel that part of your anger at your fiance is because your pride is hurt that he didn't send you flowers on V-day. And that later on, he didn't take an appropriate apologetic tone for his forgetfulness, so that made it worse for you. Yes, you do need to talk things out with him, but very calmly and only after your emotions cool down. And don't try to argue it out with him, but instead find out his real feelings about V-day. It could be that he dislikes the holiday, but just goes along with it to keep the women in his life happy. Maybe he thinks that you having an engagment ring from him should be proof enough of his love for you.
Anyway, don't let what you see going on in other relationships for V-day influence your own relationship. Don't let the women in your life decide how much attention your man should give to you. Focus on just the two of you. And only YOU can decide if your fiance is truly the man for you and the one you should marry.
(<---- from a woman that pretty much ignores the existence of V-day)
Well. It's the compilation of his losing his temper with me even prior to that one call. Things mentioned throughout the thread. It's not about flowers or gifts. I soooo did not want to get into this part because I was so embarrassed and humiliated, trying to not make anything of it in my mind about things like this, trying to not be petty - but why not just toss it on the table now. .he did not even get me anything for Christmas. Yes, you read that right. I got an e-card of a Christmas tree attacking an old lady and wrapping her in Christmas lights and hanging her on the light fixture. I sent him something. My ring was not done being made until about 3 weeks ago.
I've been quieter than normal since Christmas on here for a reason - some things to say, not sure quite how to say it - and as things have evolved [and my not seeing everything as-is] I guess I just wanted to believe it's all just been a figment of my imagination. As one of my friends pointed out to me that I had not even noticed til the mention, he'd drop gifts down on me like crazy ONLY when he felt he was going to lose me or had a looser grasp on me.
If I was going to break it off - I would have done it at Christmas. As you see, by that - it was not about the gifts. Maybe I should have.
I'd say the boy is confuzzled. If he truly knew what he wanted, he would wait until the actual wedding day. Sounds less like cold feet and more like jitters to me.
As for the yelling at you, that was uncalled for. He knew he should have sent you something and didn't. If I knew I was going to be away, I would have given you an early Valentines gift and then had your favorite <insert item here, i.e. flowers, candy> delivered on Valentines day.
As for the ex, did the ex know about the wedding? If so, then he's crossing the line. Its not appropriate for an ex to do this. If the ex did not know about the wedding or if you were seeing someone, then he can't be faulted as he didn't know.
I do agree with The Bobman on that he may have had something planned and then has it ripped right out from under him. If it was me, I'd be angry but I wouldn't take it out on you. I'd try to rearrange what I could rearrange and whatever could not be rearranged I would have told you about that part.
You two need to talk and he needs to stop yelling.
OOOOOOOoooooooooooo....shame on you for EVEN CONSIDERING settling in this area girl! You know better!
I should know better. The upside to it now is that it won't make me run back for more. Right? I just thought with time it would get better and better as the relationship matured. I did not want to be, or what I thought would be - shallow? Is that the right word??? It was a bit too vanilla, I do admit.
This may sound somewhat Freudian, but are you close to his daughter's age? If so, perhaps he's treating you more like a daughter than a girlfriend, and beneath the surface perhaps he's trying to compensate for any of his shortcomings or mistakes as a father vicariously through you. He seems to seek her approval too much, and when he didn't get your "approval" on some things, he scolded you like a child. He's attempte to control you as well. Seems like he's got his lines crossed and some unburied demons to contend with regarding his relationship with his daughter and how he pursues relationships with women.
I'd say the boy is confuzzled. If he truly knew what he wanted, he would wait until the actual wedding day. Sounds less like cold feet and more like jitters to me.
As for the yelling at you, that was uncalled for. He knew he should have sent you something and didn't. If I knew I was going to be away, I would have given you an early Valentines gift and then had your favorite <insert item here, i.e. flowers, candy> delivered on Valentines day.
As for the ex, did the ex know about the wedding? If so, then he's crossing the line. Its not appropriate for an ex to do this. If the ex did not know about the wedding or if you were seeing someone, then he can't be faulted as he didn't know.
I do agree with The Bobman on that he may have had something planned and then has it ripped right out from under him. If it was me, I'd be angry but I wouldn't take it out on you. I'd try to rearrange what I could rearrange and whatever could not be rearranged I would have told you about that part.
You two need to talk and he needs to stop yelling.
My ex boyfriend had no idea about the wedding or even that another man was in the picture. We had not talked at all.
Heh - Trust me, it sounds good, but the Fiance did not have anything planned in Vegas. He was there for a convention, leaving in 6 hours from the time we spoke on the phone with two appointments with clients to take care of before getting on the plane. I would not have made it to Vegas from Florida until very, very late, after he arrived back in Reno. He knew I had an important meeting with my employees early Monday morning, on top of that. There were no plans.
In real life, in real long term relationships, couples do have occasional ugly (verbal) fights. . .
I would have to respectfully disagree.
I expect nastiness and uncontrolled verbal diahhrea in teenagers. I do not expect it - nor do I believe it is acceptable or representative of real life to accept that thinking, respectful, well-developed adults would behave rudely and scream at their partner - regardless of how angry or upset they are.
I have been with my husband five years - dating for four and one year married. Number of disagreements on various subjects - many. Number of resulting "ugly verbal fights" - zero. I know other couples that can say the same.
As mature adults should we not be in control of our tongues and what comes out of our mouths? This guy that Jeepgirl has narrowly missed getting legally attached to is 50 years old. Not 15. That he would be rude and scream at her is not normal. It is verbally abusive.
Occasional disagreements? Of course. Screaming and swearing? H-ll no.
Last edited by sunshineleith; 02-16-2010 at 09:44 AM..
Reason: spe-helling.
This may sound somewhat Freudian, but are you close to his daughter's age? If so, perhaps he's treating you more like a daughter than a girlfriend, and beneath the surface perhaps he's trying to compensate for any of his shortcomings or mistakes as a father vicariously through you. He seems to seek her approval too much, and when he didn't get your "approval" on some things, he scolded you like a child. He's attempte to control you as well. Seems like he's got his lines crossed and some unburied demons to contend with regarding his relationship with his daughter and how he pursues relationships with women.
His daughter just turned 15. I am 38. I have mentioned a few times for him to not speak down to me as a child when he got carried away doing so.
He is a good dad and he and his daughter have a good relationship.
1. He's embarrassed because he didn't think ahead far enough to have flowers delivered to you on Valentine's Day. He could have arranged all of that a week prior, he forgot, now he's embarrassed.
2. He's acting like a tool about it.
3. That he's acting like a tool is nothing new, as your friends have expressed their concerns to you.
4. Yelling and screaming at you while badgering you to get married earlier is a really big sign that he's spoiled rotten at best, potentially abusive at worst. These things generally do not get better after a wedding, and in fact, many domestic abusers wait until after it's legal--and therefore extremely difficult for women to leave--before they start getting violent.
5. He is doing you a favor by displaying his immature, verbally abusive tendencies now so that you may choose to leave.
6. He needs anger management counseling.
7. I say this to my girlfriends all the time, and really, it is the best advice I can ever give on anything and that is: Listen to your gut. The gut never lies. Ever.
What is your gut telling you?
See, from the looks of it here--and this is from a random stranger going only by what you've written in your original post--it seems like your gut is screaming "LEAVE!"
ETA: D'OH! Okay, I see you've broken things off. Not that you need my approval, but it sounds like you did the right thing.
Last edited by Yzette; 02-16-2010 at 09:53 AM..
Reason: Note to self: Work backwards through relationship threads with a lot of posts.
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