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I expect nastiness and uncontrolled verbal diahhrea in teenagers. I do not expect it - nor do I believe it is acceptable or representative of real life to accept that thinking, respectful, well-developed adults would behave rudely and scream at their partner - regardless of how angry or upset they are.
I have been with my husband five years - dating for four and one year married. Number of disagreements on various subjects - many. Number of resulting "ugly verbal fights" - zero. I know other couples that can say the same.
As mature adults should we not be in control of our tongues and what comes out of our mouths? This guy that Jeepgirl has narrowly missed getting legally attached to is 50 years old. Not 15. That he would be rude and scream at her is not normal. It is verbally abusive.
Occasional disagreements? Of course. Screaming and swearing? H-ll no.
I can say a lot of negative about my ex-husband but one thing my ex-husband did not do was cuss and scream at me. He was always respectful of this because of my abusive ex-father. We communicated well and squashed most things well in this one aspect. Unfortunately, it's one of the only things I can give him props for. Well - and communication in bed went really, really well, unlike my above comment about the Fiance.
I should know better. The upside to it now is that it won't make me run back for more. Right? I just thought with time it would get better and better as the relationship matured. I did not want to be, or what I thought would be - shallow? Is that the right word??? It was a bit too vanilla, I do admit.
It has nothing to do with being shallow. It's about having a compatible and happy sex life. At his age, I doubt you would have been able to teach the old dog any new tricks. I'm sure you've seen the numerous threads created on CD which speak of sexual incompatibility. It does affect the relationship at some point.
But this pales in comparison to his verbal outbursts at you. If he talked to you like a child, you can best bet he would have been treating you like one and as Whitney put it....hell to the NAW!!
Hi Jeepgirl - I wish I could've come in a lot sooner on all this (13 pages already!) but I've been out of town for a while. Anyway, you sure have a lot to think about. One thing is for sure - if you are having some doubts (and it sounds like you are, from your posts), then just wait a while longer before you get married. It won't hurt to put things on hold, and see how they play out. If this behavior is "normal" for him, you'll see more of it, and you'll have your answer. If it was some weird isolated thing, things will improve, he'll be remorseful, and you can move forward. Hang in there!
JeepGirl - There was no option C... postpone the wedding and take your time to get to know him better. Put off the wedding for a year and just see how things go.
I've never been one to get all excited over V-day. It's just a Hallmark holiday to me. And I see no reason to push my men into giving me gifts just so that I can keep up with the other women in my life, as if it's some sort of contest of who has the better man. And I feel that this holiday is too one-sided and gearing towards guilting men into lavishing dinner, flowers and jewelry on their s/o's. Christmas was only two months ago, so why would I need for my guy to have to gift me all over again?
What I would be more concerned with is how my man treats me all 365 days of the year, not just christmas, V-day and my birthday. And I expect that there will be days where I am not number one in his life. I want him to be happy and involved with other passions in his life, not just obsessed with me. I don't mind if sometimes other friends, his family members or his work and hobbies are foremost on his mind. Why? Because even though I love my boyfriend very very much, I have other passions in my life also. As a well rounded human being, I don't think that V-day is the most important day of the year when I am in a relationship. And that's one of the reasons why when I am single, I don't mind being alone on V-day.
Who V-day really benefits is restaurants, the flower business, the overpriced jewelry shops and delivery boys. It puts more debt on our men's credit cards. And imo V-day unneccessarily stresses out most relationships.
The fact that a woman gets delivered flowers or a stuffed animal on V-day, doesn't mean that her man put all that much special thought into it as it only takes a quick phone call with a credit card in hand... or maybe he asked his secretary to order the flowers and gifts for me. So don't make these gestures more than they really are.
In this economy, I would especially want my man to skip sending me flowers or jewelry at full retail price and putting it on his credit card. I don't even want a Hallmark card from him. It just isn't needed as proof of his love for me. What I do look forward to is quality cuddle time in front of the tv and getting my feet rubbed... every day.
I feel that part of your anger at your fiance is because your pride is hurt that he didn't send you flowers on V-day. And that later on, he didn't take an appropriate apologetic tone for his forgetfulness, so that made it worse for you. Yes, you do need to talk things out with him, but very calmly and only after your emotions cool down. And don't try to argue it out with him, but instead find out his real feelings about V-day. It could be that he dislikes the holiday, but just goes along with it to keep the women in his life happy. Maybe he thinks that you having an engagment ring from him should be proof enough of his love for you.
Anyway, don't let what you see going on in other relationships for V-day influence your own relationship. Don't let the women in your life decide how much attention your man should give to you. Focus on just the two of you. And only YOU can decide if your fiance is truly the man for you and the one you should marry.
(<---- from a woman that pretty much ignores the existence of V-day)
Actually I'm a guy and I side with you on that. I'm not a fan of Valentines Day. My wife likes the romantic part of it and does not (thank goodness) expect much or expensive things. So I give her a card, something that she has asked for in the past (i.e. a gift card to the movies, or a cookbook or something practical that she really wants) and some flowers. I take her out to the restaurant of her choice and she does not pick (thank goodness) any expensive restaurants.
The thing is I do it for her. So if I was going away around V-Day, then I would arrange for something or give her something early.
I packed my ring up nice and secure in its box and just got off the phone w/ FedEx to do a pickup today to get the package. He'll sign for it tomorrow when it arrives and it's done-dada.
I left the Fiance a voice mail and let him know that he has a FedEx signature delivery for tomorrow and I only wished him well.
I'm moving on. I do not feel like playing Inspector Gadget and this is so seriously not worth my blowing brain cells over left and right. He had not reached certain parts of my heart to warm that were already numbed over that my ex-husband left frozen. Indifference is setting in now. I will be ok, I will be better than ok - I will still shine.
I haven't read this entire thread yet, and I'm sorry to hear that its not going to work out, but better to figure it out now then after you're married.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that it wasn't this particular moment that caused all this. I'm assuming you've had this gut feeling for a while now. If so, usually your gut is right.
1. He's embarrassed because he didn't think ahead far enough to have flowers delivered to you on Valentine's Day. He could have arranged all of that a week prior, he forgot, now he's embarrassed.
2. He's acting like a tool about it.
3. That he's acting like a tool is nothing new, as your friends have expressed their concerns to you.
4. Yelling and screaming at you while badgering you to get married earlier is a really big sign that he's spoiled rotten at best, potentially abusive at worst. These things generally do not get better after a wedding, and in fact, many domestic abusers wait until after it's legal--and therefore extremely difficult for women to leave--before they start getting violent.
5. He is doing you a favor by displaying his immature, verbally abusive tendencies now so that you may choose to leave.
6. He needs anger management counseling.
7. I say this to my girlfriends all the time, and really, it is the best advice I can ever give on anything and that is: Listen to your gut. The gut never lies. Ever.
What is your gut telling you?
See, from the looks of it here--and this is from a random stranger going only by what you've written in your original post--it seems like your gut is screaming "LEAVE!"
ETA: D'OH! Okay, I see you've broken things off. Not that you need my approval, but it sounds like you did the right thing.
No doubt he is feeling like a tool. He should be. As mentioned in Post #111 to Miu - I did not get anything for Christmas either except some crazy e-card with a Christmas tree attacking and cocooning and old lady in Christmas lights.
I felt worse about that at Christmas, but did not say anything at all. I overlooked it and did not want to get petty about it. It's not about the gift/flowers or what not. I know women that would have given the boot for that, pronto.
My gut? With all events that have led up to Sunday - and having clarity now. . I packaged up my engagement ring and I am waiting for FedEx to show up to grab it so he can sign for the delivery tomorrow.
I can and will do better than him. I have no desire to go back. I am not hurting. Am a little tired from being up all night long thinking about this, lol- but am not hurting.
No doubt he is feeling like a tool. He should be. As mentioned in Post #111 to Miu - I did not get anything for Christmas either except some crazy e-card with a Christmas tree attacking and cocooning and old lady in Christmas lights.
I felt worse about that at Christmas, but did not say anything at all. I overlooked it and did not want to get petty about it. It's not about the gift/flowers or what not. I know women that would have given the boot for that, pronto.
My gut? With all events that have led up to Sunday - and having clarity now. . I packaged up my engagement ring and I am waiting for FedEx to show up to grab it so he can sign for the delivery tomorrow.
I can and will do better than him. I have no desire to go back. I am not hurting. Am a little tired from being up all night long thinking about this, lol- but am not hurting.
Jeep, I believe you made the right decision. Don't be surprised if he starts calling you a lot, swears it was an isolated incident, begs for you not to be so hasty, makes some grandiose gestures to make amends, and does everything he can to hold onto you. Don't fall for it. You are a catch and deserve better. There are plenty of fish in the sea, tossing this one back was wise.
I would postpone the wedding and consider seeking marital counseling.
That would scare the hell outta me too and would make me think twice. You need to find out why the outburst and cold shoulder over such a small, simple thing. It just wasn't called for. And on V-day too.
You guys need to talk and work some things out first. You deserve better than that.
The thing is I do it for her. So if I was going away around V-Day, then I would arrange for something or give her something early.
*Nods* That's what my guy friends have told me. Just what you did right there. Especially since he was staying with me from the Sunday until Tuesday prior to Valentine's Day.
Nothing changed when he left. He still called me 8372878147 times a day.
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I'm sure you've seen the numerous threads created on CD which speak of sexual incompatibility. It does affect the relationship at some point. 
