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I think you are dancing around the issue, and most Mormons I know DO NOT like to provide direct answers on this topic.
If I was dancing around the issue, it was unintentional. Furthermore, it's not as if the topic is something I would try to avoid discussing. I obviously didn't understand your question at the beginning of this discussion, and I'm not sure I do even now. The fact that you're accusing me of not giving you a straight answer, though, kind of makes me feel like not bothering to answer at all in the future.
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I'm talking about dating around - a date here and a date there - and taking their time in finding a mate; that is, if at all....like it is in big-league cities like NY and LA. My issue is the pressure on LDS young men and women to marry, and do so rather expediently. It exists.
Dating around is hardly discouraged. But, when a couple falls in love, they are are encouraged to marry right away, rather than postpone the marriage. In other words, living together to determine how compatible they are is simply not an option with most practicing LDS couples. I don't know how much more straightforward I can put it.
How did your friend approach his wife with "the news"? Did he just tell her one day out of the blue that he no longer believed? Did they even try to resolve the issue of his non-belief? I'm absolutely convinced of these points: (1) you can't simply will yourself to believe something you don't believe, no matter how much you may want to, (2) it's always a mistake to be a hypocrite. Being true to what you truly believe is critical to your own happiness and to the happiness of those you love, (3) If you're going to be the one who wants to leave the path you and your spouse started off on together, you've got to expect your spouse to be hurt by your decision.
In other words, nobody wins when there is not complete honesty from the beginning. Both partners (plus the kids, if there are any) are going to inevitably suffer.
Not sure how he gave her the news, but it has been in recent months. I think he started slowly backing out (going to church once a month) I think he told her that he's sorry but he just can't do it anymore. He baptised their oldest last year. They were the poster child for the LDS young family so it's a bit shocking for many to witness. Now his wife feels betrayed and thinks he's going to cheat on her and start acting crazy because he has no "moral compass" now.
I'm sure their marriage will survive and that they just need time, at least that is my hope. Their bishop is more or less telling him that he needs to do what's right and that he doesn't believe him when my friend says he doesn't believe it anymore.
Their marriage is headed for big trouble in the wife can't accept that husband still has a moral compass, is going to observe and honor his vows, and that married life will not change except for his lack of belief or attending to LDS ritual and religion. If her mind is convinced that that makes him unacceptable as a husband or father, they're out of luck, and I think the error is with the wife, especially if the bishop was more accepting.
It reminds me of friends of mine, a gay male couple, both 35, together for some 15 years (one the first relationship in his life, the other the second). They are ethical, decent people who live their beliefs in being good people, having jobs that support the good in the community (one in education, one in city government). The one guy was raised seriously Old Country Catholic (Portuguese in America) and the other not really raised in much of anything, but became very involved in Unitarian church wherever he lives, and has now become very committed to the Unitarian where they have bought a condo and where the one man works.
The Catholic guy is genuinely concerned that partner is going to hell because he isn't Catholic. Partner tries to avoid the illogic of this (and alleviate the concern that truly troubles his partner). Partner doesn't seem to see the lack of logic of worrying about not being Catholic, but not worrying about loving a same-sex partner (They haven't married, although it is legal in their state. Not sure why not, as they are surely as bonded as any two people can be).
Just a data point of couples/religious difference.
I know a raised-Catholic indifferent atheist who said he would get married in the Church if that's what his wife wanted, because, "Isn't that the usual thing, you get married in a church?"
When one Islamic guy I knew married a Catholic, I was happy to hear that the required Pre-Cana(?) meetings didn't hammer on religious issues, but on common-sense counseling, like what if your partner didn't want kids, or argued about your religious differences, or whatever non-dogmatic issues might come up.
They did divorce a few years later. I always wondered if he'd gotten more militant after Muslim issues became more focused in America. (Although his parents were here because they were pro-Shah after the Shah got run out of Iran).
I guess if the woman thinks her husband has "no moral compass" because of dropping the religion, she, like so many other believers, think he will go out and do any crummy evil thing because he doesn't have a moral compass (in her world). I have had so many believers respond to my atheism by saying, "Then why not just go out and rape and kill people, if there's no god?" I say, "I have no desire to do those things. Also, I suspect that people who do these awful things are not atheists."
It certainly frightens me to think that a lot of people believe that the only reason most people aren't out raping/killing/torturing/harming is because they believe in god. That idea makes me afraid to leave the house.
I hope the non-LDS friend can help his wife to see that they have a loving marriage, are devoted to family, and that husband's different belief system (or even more so, his loss of LDS belief) is not going to make him an immoral lunatic.
I can see why the wife feels betrayed and let down but it concerns me that she feels threatened that now he will cheat on her.
I can't blame my friend for leaving the church but the timing is not The best as they are expecting their fifth child.
Here's how I see it...
(1) When people marry, they generally look for a partner who shares their values, lifestyle and worldview. Although everyone is bound to change to some degree over time, I think it's pretty reasonable for a person to think that his or her spouse is going to continue pretty much down the same path the two of them started down together. I think "betrayal" is actually a very good word to use to describe how the person whose values, lifestyle and worldview does not change greatly over the years would feel in the situation you've described.
(2) I personally think it's absolutely impossible to will yourself to believe something that simply does not strike you as believable, no matter how badly you may want to believe. If your friend's husband has really come to disbelieve the teachings of Mormonism, I don't think it's reasonable for her to expect him to simply pretend to believe, or even to go through the motions of being "a good Mormon" when his heart is no longer in it.
(3) Most important of all, to me at least, is integrity. But it has to be integrity from the very start. Your friend's husband may very well have served a mission because his parents expected it of him. He may have married your friend in the temple because he loved her and figured that that's the only way he was going to get her to marry him at all. If this is the case, then he's the one to blame. You can't go on living a lie forever, and trying to do so will inevitably bring pain to everybody involved.
The husband might well have been raised in the LDS community, with all of it being a given, "the water you swim in," and not had a thought outside of it. If the couple is having their fifth child, he's likely been married for some time, and I bet he didn't marry in bad faith, that is, lying or kidding himself about LDS belief. After all, many people's beliefs/religion change over time, especially if they are inundated with one worldview from a very early age. I don't think the woman has been "betrayed," but it's up to her to see if her marriage is valid if husband doesn't share her very specific worldview. It's tragic, I think, for the man and family.
The husband might well have been raised in the LDS community, with all of it being a given, "the water you swim in," and not had a thought outside of it. If the couple is having their fifth child, he's likely been married for some time, and I bet he didn't marry in bad faith, that is, lying or kidding himself about LDS belief. After all, many people's beliefs/religion change over time, especially if they are inundated with one worldview from a very early age. I don't think the woman has been "betrayed," but it's up to her to see if her marriage is valid if husband doesn't share her very specific worldview. It's tragic, I think, for the man and family.
I don't think that the husband has betrayed her so much but I can see why the wife would feel betrayed. I can't help but think that this is why religion can divide people, even those in families who love each other. That's the tragedy in the whole situation.
The problem is that LDS couples are strongly encouraged to marry in one of the Church's temples, but in order to be able to do so, they must be "morally clean" (meaning no pre-marital sex). I'm not sure if what you're suggesting is that the criteria for being able to marry in the temple should be changed or what. I can pretty much tell you, though, that that's not going to happen.
Actually, as long as the way someone else worships doesn't affect me personally, I don't have issues with it at all. I mean, why should I have any say in the legitimacy of Catholic policies?
Is it common for the church to know if someone is having sex? How does the church do that? Looks to me like the couple would never tell, so the wedding would go on as planned (unless someone is watching at the bedroom window).
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