Why some new atheists/agnostics sometimes go back to their old believer's routine (church, agnostic)

[Hueffenhardt]

We all need and have coping mechanisms to deal with life stressors. Some are healthy: exercise, yoga, sitting in nature, petting a dog, talking to a friend. Some are unhealthy: self-medicating with drug or alcohol abuse, overeating, excessive shopping, gambling, porn addiction, etc.

Anyway, if we have been alive a while, we have found some coping mechanisms that work or semi-work for us and that we use a lot.

For many believers, their religion has practices that become a coping mechanism for a person. They include: prayer, reading and contemplating scriptures, singing hymns, bible study with friends, going to mass, going to confession, etc.

Well, when a person who was formerly a believer becomes a non-believer, they give up and/or lose a lot of their standard coping mechanisms. Without them, they may feel stressed, anxious, depressed, and can't think of a way to relieve those feelings. Non-belief, by itself offers no coping mechanisms to replace the religious ones that were given up. If things get bad enough, the person may run back to the only coping mechanisms they know will work. It is almost reflexive, as they have been conditioned to whenever they feel bad, pray or go to bible study, hang out with a religious community, etc.

We, non-believers, need to do a better job, one explaining this phenomenon to new non-believers, and two, helping them find new coping mechanisms, so they won't feel the need to run back to their old sources of comfort in the religious tradition.

The other thing new non-believers need to be reminded of is that many of them were taught to think that non-believers are miserable and they are misable because they have withdrawn from god. It is utter hogwash, obviously, but when a new non-believer hits hard times that old programming can surface and cause them to wonder if their hard times are due to withdrawing from god. They need to remember that both believers and non-believers have occasional hard times and happy times; the frequency of those times have absolutely nothing to do with whether one is a believer or not.

If non-believers need a community to replace their old community, there are a number of options available. My wife and I and a number of other atheists and agnostics have found a community in Unitarian Universalist Fellowships. They are like a church community without the dogma and misogyny, etc.

In any case, new non-believers, reach out for help from your fellow non-believers if you are going through hard times and haven't yet found a way to achieve the same comfort you got through religious activities. It gets better as you learn to adjust.

[Fullback32]

That's a good point Hueff. Obviously everyone's experience will differ, but all in all, a good post. For some believers who immediately withdraw from their religion, it might be very important to do the things you mentioned. Not only can it lead to a possible return to their previous religious illusion, but they may go through that "militant" atheist stage, where instead of discussion and discourse, they can be a real pain-in-the butt. I've seen this same thing from newly "born-again" Christians. They immediately went from being "heathens" to being full righteous Christians and proceed to go save the world...especially those Catholics. They really aren't totally sure why they believe what they believe yet, but they know it all. They are a real nusiance.

For others though, withdrawl from belief, is a more slow and gradual process and stepping into agnosticism or atheism is as easy as stepping into new shoes. People in this category more than likely have gone through some progression. They may have studied or investigated a lot concerning their religion and said, "Nah, this can't be." They then might try or investigate other denominations, or completely different religions or even spiritual movements such as New Age things. As they become dissallusion with those, they may progress to agnosticism and the ultimately to atheism.

For folks like this, since they have done a lot of study and investigation, it has been a fairly lengthy process. Because of this, their disbelief became a natural conclusion and are quite satsified with that conclusion. I'm not sure a person like this would return to old habit.

That being said, it's still good to have a forum like this to share ideas and realize you are not alone.

[BigCityDreamer]

Originally Posted by Fullback32

For others though, withdrawl from belief, is a more slow and gradual process and stepping into agnosticism or atheism is as easy as stepping into new shoes. People in this category more than likely have gone through some progression. They may have studied or investigated a lot concerning their religion and said, "Nah, this can't be." They then might try or investigate other denominations, or completely different religions or even spiritual movements such as New Age things. As they become dissallusion with those, they may progress to agnosticism and the ultimately to atheism.

For folks like this, since they have done a lot of study and investigation, it has been a fairly lengthy process. Because of this, their disbelief became a natural conclusion and are quite satsified with that conclusion. I'm not sure a person like this would return to old habit.

This is pretty much how it happened in my case. theist ---> agnostic theist ---> agnostic atheist. It occurred over long period of investigating and questioning beliefs.

I've reached the state now where most religious beliefs just seem like illusions in the people's imaginations. Religion is very similar in that sense to astrology.

[Ilene Wright]

Originally Posted by Hueffenhardt

We have need and have coping mechanisms to deal with life stressors. Some are healthy: exercise, yoga, sitting in nature, petting a dog, talking to a friend. Some are unhealthy: self-medicating with drug or alcohol abuse, overeating, excessive shopping, gambling, porn addiction, etc.

Anyway, if we have been alive a while, we have found some coping mechanisms that work or semi-work for us and that we use a lot.

For many believers, their religion has practices that become a coping mechanism for a person. They include: prayer, reading and contemplating scriptures, singing hymns, bible study with friends, going to mass, going to confession, etc.

Well, when a person who was formerly a believer becomes a non-believer, they give up and/or lose a lot of their standard coping mechanisms. Without them, they may feel stressed, anxious, depressed, and can't think of a way to relieve those feelings. Non-belief, by itself offers no coping mechanisms to replace the religious ones that were given up. If things get bad enough, the person may run back to the only coping mechanisms they know will work. It is almost reflexive, as they have been conditioned to whenever they feel bad, pray or go to bible study, hang out with a religious community, etc.

We, non-believers, need to do a better job, one explaining this phenomenon to new non-believers, and two, help them find new coping mechanisms, so they won't feel the need to run back to their old sources of comfort in the religious tradition.

The other thing new non-believers need to be reminded of is that many of them were taught to think that non-believers are miserable and they are misable because they have withdrawn from god. It is utter hogwash, obviously, but when a new non-believer hits hard times that old programming can surface and cause them to wonder if their hard times are due to withdrawing from god. They need to remember that both believers and non-believers have occasional hard times and happy times; the frequency of those times have absolutely nothing to do with whether one is a believer or not.

If non-believers need a community to replace their old community, there are a number of options available. My wife and I and a number of other atheists and agnostics have found a community in Unitarian Universalist Fellowships. They are like a church community without the dogma and misogyny, etc.

In any case, new non-believers, reach out for help from your fellow non-believers if you are going through hard times and haven't yet found a way to achieve the same comfort you got through religious activities. It gets better as you learn to adjust.

Wow Huff, this is an incredible thread and I appreciate you directing me to it. Obviously you saw my thread in the Christianity forum and your thread absolutely hits the nail on the head.....I'm seriously struggling with this and I'm ready to run back to what's familiar and comfortable whether I believe it or not.

I noticed several months ago that there is a UU fellowship in the next town over and I stated in one of my posts in my thread that I was going to go there and try it out. Your thread just reinforces that that is exactly what I need to do! I've been hesitant to go there until now simply because I was afraid that it wasn't actually UU but an off-shoot of some kind of baptist denomination or something around here....after all, I live in the heart of the Bible belt and it seemed highly unlikely that it would be completely Christian fundamentalist-free. Now I know that I'll have to go and find out for myself. I may get disappointed but I've got to do something and this seems to be it for now.

Then again, it may turn out to be the best thing I could have done. I'm just drifting along severely lost and confused and I need some support. I love C-D but honestly there's only so much typing that I can do to perfect strangers before I lose my mind. We all need other like-minded people to interact and socialize with and it's taken me a while to figure that out for some reason. I'm kind of a loner, always have been but this is way more than I can handle on my own.

Thanks again Huff, I'm sure this thread will be very helpful to a lot of folks.

[Boxcar Overkill]

Good post Hueff.

[SeekerSA]

Heuff, my coping is my direct family. WhenIwazawoo I neglected them and now, people outside of that to me really don't matter - that said, I have always been happy with my own company (not that I am an introvert). Seems that family do display unconditional love whereas strangers there is a song and dance required.

My wife has been my best friend for 28 years and she has NEVER let me down.

[Aganusn]

I was never brainwashed that bad. I feel really bad for people that need to do this. Only someone who has been severly brainwashed would go back to religion to curb stress instead of exercising or something.

Geez, what a messed up world.

[giorgiomax]

I'm a recent nonBeliever, after +25 years of Catholicism.

But I'm very conscious that is not impossible for me to go back believing for any reason I may have, I even tell some friends "don't pay much attention to me, I may as well be believing again tomorrow" just a way of saying we tend to do crazy things in our lives.

The only reason I think it could be is that I may just "feel" or "see" the existence of a God as making sense. Then again, it may not happen ever.

[Ilene Wright]

Originally Posted by Aganusn

I was never brainwashed that bad. I feel really bad for people that need to do this. Only someone who has been severly brainwashed would go back to religion to curb stress instead of exercising or something.

Geez, what a messed up world.

I don't think it's the brainwashing that makes you want to go back, it's the familiarity of it all. Not many of us like change and when you go from something like a lifetime of religion and being surrounded by religious people to complete nothingness that leaves a huge hole. Maybe you can't relate because you weren't raised that way but trust me when I say it's very difficult, so difficult that a lot of people return because they have no support system or anyone of like mind to talk to.

I mean, when you're used to praying to a God and leaning on him for everything whether he's real or not, have a church family and religious friends to count on and you completely lose all of that in one fell swoop then where do you turn? In my case, there is absolutely no one to talk to or discuss things with or to lean on. Can you try to imagine how difficult it is to start all over again? Having to make new friends, alienating family and old friends, the doubts and questions of your new found non-beliefs and the loneliness of it all. Don't be so quick to judge.

[TRANSPONDER]

Originally Posted by Ilene Wright

Wow Huff, this is an incredible thread and I appreciate you directing me to it. Obviously you saw my thread in the Christianity forum and your thread absolutely hits the nail on the head.....I'm seriously struggling with this and I'm ready to run back to what's familiar and comfortable whether I believe it or not.

I noticed several months ago that there is a UU fellowship in the next town over and I stated in one of my posts in my thread that I was going to go there and try it out. Your thread just reinforces that that is exactly what I need to do! I've been hesitant to go there until now simply because I was afraid that it wasn't actually UU but an off-shoot of some kind of baptist denomination or something around here....after all, I live in the heart of the Bible belt and it seemed highly unlikely that it would be completely Christian fundamentalist-free. Now I know that I'll have to go and find out for myself. I may get disappointed but I've got to do something and this seems to be it for now.

Then again, it may turn out to be the best thing I could have done. I'm just drifting along severely lost and confused and I need some support. I love C-D but honestly there's only so much typing that I can do to perfect strangers before I lose my mind. We all need other like-minded people to interact and socialize with and it's taken me a while to figure that out for some reason. I'm kind of a loner, always have been but this is way more than I can handle on my own.

Thanks again Huff, I'm sure this thread will be very helpful to a lot of folks.

Thanks for that. I was originally taken aback a bit by Hueff's OP post which I saw as rather trying to explain away the recent New Agnostic wave which looked like Theism making the most of the murky waters of Quantum as a Gap for God.

I was clearly wrong. And I should have known. back in the days when I served rice and swept the cell of the Master Cliff Walker, he saithed unto me.

"Awk, the world of the Theists has many clinics for helping those in doubt. But the atheists have not one. Why is this?"

I said it was because we didn't get tax exemptions, and he clouted me one and told to get more green tea. But it seems true that those who lose their faith (or some aspect of it) get no help, except from Christians eager to drag them back into church. Online support is something but probably no substitute for the community offered by religions.

As a lifetime atheist, I automatically think like Aganusan and don't miss the time I spent in the Church choir (oh yes) and I must tend to forget how tough in can be for deconverts.