Jokes That Can Be Told In Church. (Jerusalem, Baptists, bible)

[JD59]

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

[Tricky D]

LoL, good ones.

[crystal-sea]

found this on Will and Guy's joke site.


static-cling like you've never seen.

[MontanaGuy]

One day Jesus came home as a boy and forgot to close the door as he came into the house. Mary came out from the kitchen and shouted "what's wrong with you Jesus, were you born in a barn?"

[JerZ]

OMG...these are cracking me up.

I LOVED the one about the bride dressed in white/groom dressed in black.

[virgo]

(1) How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; their hands are always in the air.

(2) How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Change? Who said anything about change?

(3) How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? Ten; one to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

(4) How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None; they use candles.

(5) How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? Ten; one to change it and nine to sit around and talk about how good the old one was.

(6) How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the meaning of a light bulb.

(7) How many Church of Christ folks does it take to change a light bulb? None; light bulbs aren’t mentioned in the New Testament. Therefore it would be unscriptural.

[Miss Blue]

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.


You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they
learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says,
"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two
women stand up.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer
season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of
500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church
directory.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture"
is what you get when you lift something too heav

[Tricky D]

I'm just glad my parents didn't call me Bubba.

[weatherologist]

The Three Nuns at the ball park

[Morale Officer]

Why can't elephants ride bicycles?
They don't have any thumbs to ring the bell!