Now what? - FIL (age 90) will be living alone (again) (move, state)
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My FIL just turned 90 and still lives in his single family home of 30 years. He will NOT move even though the neighborhood is changing.
My FIL's sister has been staying with him on and off for about 9 years. She is 91. She told my husband 2 weeks ago she is going back north to address some medical issues but would return January 1st. (3 months alone for my FIL).
They get alone like 2 peas in a pod. Things are fine when they (sister and brother) are together.
Well, just today, in person, she told me she is returning to her own home up north, values her independence and will look into assisted living up north (she dislikes the cold so this is a surprise).
I can read between the lines and feel the chance of her returning here is slight. She will be 92 in April. Maybe she is worried about a medical condition (did not share). I love her dearly and will miss her.
Her whole family is up north but have assisted her in the past and now have their own busy lives.
My FIL refuses to have anyone come in and clean and it's hard to get anything repaired. (His sister gave me a rundown today on what needs fixing - a lot). My FIL recently helped my husband out with a legal case he was dealing with and I personally feel that my husband owes it to his dad to be there every day if he has to be.
(I do not drive, otherwise, I would be doing it).
My husband goes down there every weekend (1 hour away) and does all the outside stuff but while his sister was here, she was doing some of the cleaning.
My husband is an only child - it is only him. From my viewpoint, the house is a disaster. So many things need to be fixed but I can only do so much. It has to come from my husband.
We have tried to get him involved in senior activities nearby (there are a lot) but he will not go. We have tried to get him to move - either in with us (or we will add on to our home) or near us) but he will not.
Any suggestions? I am concerned about his being alone. My FIL's sister says he tends to sleep all day if by himself.
At a loss. My husband and I just went through this legal thing (we won) and now this. We can't catch a break.
Bette: I would not leave him alone because you can get into trouble if a state social worker sees he is without any assistance and will come after the family to do something. This happened to me. I would hire a nurse a few hours a week and insist that he let her come in to care for him and he might decide he likes the attention when he gets to know her. Then you can gradually increase the hours and hope that he will be willing to let it happen. While his mind is fine now, it probably has "spells" when it isn't and he gets confused. In home care for him now is the best choice until he needs more help.
Oyyy veyyy. You poor thing....when it rains, it pours.
Anyway, how's your FIL's mobility? Health? Does he drive? How does he intend to get his groceries, to doctor's appointments, clean his home, etc.? How's his mental outlook -- happy? Depressed? Does he like being alone? Does he eat properly? What does he do for enjoyment? Have you talked to him about his sister's not returning and how he will handle life without her? Is there anyone in his neighborhood who can check in on him?
My Mom was very similar to your FIL. Didn't want anyone coming in, slept til the afternoon, didn't eat properly, had a hard time getting her groceries in the house or taking the trash to the dumpster. But she was perfectly content to be alone. She loved reading the newspaper and watching her political shows on TV. She kept in touch with family by e-mail. Had zero interest in going to a senior center for activities. It wasn't until she started falling and had a couple stints in rehab that I finally convinced her to give assisted-living a try. And I did it on a "six-month trial basis". I didn't sell her place from under her, and I said if she didn't like it, we'd figure out something else. She had her own room and was able to read her paper and watch TV, she was eating regular meals (something she hadn't done at home), but she couldn't sleep in all day -- she either had therapy or the staff was nagging her to come play Bingo (which she actually enjoyed!). At the end of the six months, she said she was happy there. Then, as you know, she passed away shortly after that -- but I'm so glad her last six months were active and enjoyable. It doesn't sound like your FIL would be willing or has a medical reason for going to assisted-living at this point, but whatever you do, give him the option of doing it on a trial basis. I really think that helped my mother's cooperation level.
Bette, there are so many people who would respond to you in the Caregiving Forum, people who have been through similar situations. You might think about DMing the moderator and asking that this thread be moved there. Not that the folks in our Retirement Forum aren't supportive and compassionate, I just think you would get a greater response (more ideas) over there.
If he's ambulatory and not a fall risk in his home - I would suggest homecare visits 2-3 times a week inbetween the family visits.
That way food can be prepared and housecleaning can be done - and just basically checking up on him. I wouldn't force him into a care facility.
However, if he were in any way impaired - I would push for assisted living - but men are completely outnumbered in assisted living. My uncle went into it - and came out less than a couple of months later. There was no one for him to relate to or talk to. he was outnumbered by women... it was an uncomfortable situation for him.
Does he still drive? Can he get around without driving?
[quote=Avalon08;26220275]Oyyy veyyy. You poor thing....when it rains, it pours.
Anyway, how's your FIL's mobility? Health? Does he drive? How does he intend to get his groceries, to doctor's appointments, clean his home, etc.? How's his mental outlook -- happy? Depressed? Does he like being alone? Does he eat properly? What does he do for enjoyment? Have you talked to him about his sister's not returning and how he will handle life without her? Is there anyone in his neighborhood who can check in on him?
I just wish I could keep his sister here another month. That would help. My FIL shuffles but he walks OK - no cane. He is 6'3" and his posture is perfect. He has broken one hip which they tried to fix (he was 86) - the other hip was operated on (he was 84). He used to ride his bike until age 86 20 miles every other day. He fell onto the roadway Easter Sunday 2009 and broke the 2nd hip. He still has a driver's license and only drives to the grocery store and doctor. This worries me; I see a little dent in the front of the car.
I can work it so my husband will take him to the doctor's appointments - we have all the numbers and they know us. I suppose we are on some list which gives us that info.
When his sister is here, he is fine; otherwise, I think he is lonely. When my husband was growing up, he was a loner so some of it - I'm fine with. He always had his wife around (when he wanted her to be around).
I do not see him eating properly. We see bags from Wendy's, McDonalds, etc. He used to go dancing to different clubs (German Club, Canadian Club) but that has basically stopped since the hip in 2009. He says it's too painful.
We know his next door neighbor and his neighbor to the back. They have our info but I worry about him being alone. He was a probation officer in his working years and dealt with some tough types (Miami, FL - all over) but I don't think he realizes things are changing are much in his neighborhood as much as we see them change.
He is resistant to anyone coming into his home other than us and his sister. He will NOT consider any kind of assisted living - just walks out of the room.
I came up with a slight solution when my husband is there on the weekends - to get this cleaning service in and just have them do the laundry (change sheets, etc) - once he realizes how good that feels, the next week, they could add the bathroom cleaning to that, etc. I could work it so 3 girls came at one time to clean - my husband could even take him for a bite to eat (to give them more cleaning time). My husband thought it was not a bad idea.
He thinks he can do anything and refuses help!! Of course, we don't want him to feel bad so it's hard especially since he helped my husband. I keep telling my husband, though, he will listen to you (he won't listen to me) and just tell him what he has to do.
He is in denial about his sister leaving and not coming back. He cannot tell her, however, how much she means to him!! Maybe if she heard that.....
Bette, there are so many people who would respond to you in the Caregiving Forum, people who have been through similar situations. You might think about DMing the moderator and asking that this thread be moved there. Not that the folks in our Retirement Forum aren't supportive and compassionate, I just think you would get a greater response (more ideas) over there.
I may post another thread but you all know the back story a bit so I posted here.
I basically said to my husband - "How could you not take care of your dad after him helping you?"
(In my family, we just drop everything and do it. It's just family is major important. Now, if my husband's mom were alive, she'd be a breeze to take care of - but my FIL is very stubborn).
I may post another thread but you all know the back story a bit so I posted here.
I basically said to my husband - "How could you not take care of your dad after him helping you?"
(In my family, we just drop everything and do it. It's just family is major important. Now, if my husband's mom were alive, she'd be a breeze to take care of - but my FIL is very stubborn).
Bette, I'm not understanding what you expect your husband to do that he's not already doing...?
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Still drives - homecare visits (I wish)
