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I have been married for 45 years and we had a good sexual relationship..Things happened, he had a quad bypass, stents, etc. Sex stopped for us or should I say me. We have not had relations for about 10 years. I am 63 and he is 66. Now it has become such an uncomfortable subject even to talk about. Like where do we start, duh go to bed, clothes off, etc. etc. He does bring it up now and then but when I say do you want to have sex he says no way. How can we have sex again since it has been such a touchy subject and I will say it is my fault. I know this is not a 'sex" forum but I do know we are seniors and maybe there are some out there like us. Can you help ?
Second, you have to feel good thoughts toward a partner, feel attractive yourself and that he is attractive sensually. Kiss in bed in your jammies and take it from there.
What does his cardiologist say? Did the heart issue scare your husband into celibacy? I've seen that happen, the patient gets so scared he shuts down and just sits around waiting to die. Some people immediately go to worst case scenario as a default and disregard any common sense explanations.
Maybe have his cardiologist have a sex talk with him.
Then again, his meds may be impacting his performance.
As a note, I had a "cardiac event" a couple years ago which scared Mrs. NBP, she was the one who wanted to take it easy afterwards. I'm glad she drinks wine.
Ok, I'll admit that 2 days after the event was probably too soon and I shouldn't have been thinking about sex. Maybe.
First of all, this is not your fault. You have fallen into his pattern together, so release yourself of feeling the burden for resolving all of this is all yours. I mean it - let go of that burden right now!
There . . . see how much lighter your shoulders feel. Now let's see how you and your husband might start working together on this. After 45 years of marriage, I suspect you've conquered greater problems than this, so smile - you both will find your way through this one as well. Let's start with sex. Remember one our former prez's more famous statements when referring to sex: "It depends on what the definition of is is." Each of us has our own mental model of what constitutes sex, so let's just toss out jump-starting sex since it has become awkward to you and instead consider intimacy in your relationship.
If you are not currently satisfied with your level of intimacy, perhaps start by simply saying "I love you" more often and really mean it. Open a conversation about the qualities that drew you together in the beginning and/or what you hold most dear about one another now. Intimacy can be a long hug, walking around the neighborhood holding hands or (even more boldly) showering together. Perhaps you might suggest giving one another a massage with the specific intent of this not leading to "sex" but just a massage for its own sake.
Initiating any or all of these is much easier than one of you simply saying "Let's have sex." Intimacy sometimes leads to sex (whatever that might be to you both) or it might be what you are really craving in the end.
I can understand where you are at. It may well be that you guys just got out of the habit. He was afraid, so he didn't bring it up for awhile. He brings it sometimes because he has gained some confidence, but maybe is afraid of getting you upset and angry by bringing it up, and telling you honestly that he wants sex. It could be, if you could have an honest conversation, that you both would be interested. I guess the only way to find out is be brutally honest and ask and risk some hurt feelings.
But there could be other ways you could try. Do you still cuddle on the couch, hold hands or anything? Is there any smootching or hugging going on?. Does he ever see you naked? If you've been living like brother and sister for awhile, you might have to first break out of that.
He is probably scared to death. Afraid he can't perform anymore. Afraid you really don't want him. Afraid he is going to have another heart problem. Afraid, afraid, afraid. And he's afraid to find out the answers to his questions.
Sometimes, women are lucky. We don't really have to 'do' anything. Our parts work even if we are afraid or unsure of ourselves. Our state of mind doesn't keep our 'bits' from functioning. It's much more complicated for men. They need to be confident and turned on for their parts to function. Confident is probably the most important word. And the longer you go in life without using a skill, the less confident you are that you still have that skill.
Men read too and most of what's out there is pretty dismal. And every older gentleman is very concerned that it's just a matter of time till till old faithful fails to perform. And there are more than a few men who would rather just hang up the hat than face that kind of humiliation. And that's exactly how they see it! They feel like they are no longer a real man.
Is there a medical reason why sexual activity should be out of the question? If not, the best thing you can do is let him know you still love and want him. This will take some time and effort. Look back and remember the things that used to turn him on and start doing those things again. A sexy nightie and some heels would be good too.
Lastly, take a hard look at yourself. Are you sporting the 'old woman gave up' look? If you are it's time for a complete makeover. Age appropriate but contemporary. And remember, in the bedroom you are always young and desirable. You look in the mirror and see all your flaws and saggy bits. But he sees you through the eyes of a lover. To him you are more attractive than ever. Act it, believe it, live it, do it! It's worth the effort to reclaim your life-partner. We can be feminine and sexy at any age!
Please forgive me the cliches. Sometimes they are easier than the real words!
What brought you together? Do some things together - little things - take a walk, hold hands - build up very slowly.
Like someone said, you got out of the habit.
Don't blame yourself and don't try too hard; cuddling is a good thing also; take it slow; no one wants to feel any pressure.
This may take some time but will pay dividends. It's not a chore; it's a pleasurable activity that can bring you both closer together. But build up to it.
I got mixed messages from your post. You say that when you talk to him about it - he says "NO WAY!" Yet, you say that it is "your fault" that you are no longer having sex.
First of all, can he "perform?" Not that you need to answer that on this forum!!! But if you know for a fact that he can still achieve an erection, the first question is - can he sustain it or does he need some help, i.e. viagra. And has he ever talked to his doc about having sex and if that is something he will be okay doing?
If he needs help, has he ever discussed this with his physician and gotten a prescription?
If he has a prescription, then it seems to me that should tell the story that he IS interested in having sex.
So if you have the answers that 1. he can perform; 2. no health risks associated with having sex; 3. he has a prescription to boost his performance . . . then the next step is to figure out what there is in your relationship that you need to alter to make sex a goal for both of you.
A weekend in a romantic setting? Hints about your eagerness to get "back into the swing of things?" Some sexy clothing and some flirtation?
Sadly, the statistics are dismal when it comes to having sex after cardiac problems.
According to this article from Boston Scientific, 40% of people never have sex again after heart surgery, as they believe that it could bring on another heart attack.²
That article has some suggestions for "setting the mood" to getting back on track with having sex, too.
Others have mentioned concerns your husband might have about his ability to perform . . . but again, if your husband is a candidate for viagra, that can take care of the issue. If he can't take viagra, Medicare approves a vacuum system that is often recommended. So if performance issues are why your husband is reluctant, there are ways to work around those concerns.
However, if you two are simply not attracted to one another sexually, that is another issue altogether. If you care about each other and would like to have sex again, then someone needs to take the lead (and it appears it needs to be YOU!!!) Some men just won't discuss sex, especially if they are insecure about their performance.
If you want to resume a sexual relationship, then maybe you just need to tell your husband straight out . . . "I am only 63 and I am still interested in sex. I would like for us to work together to get things in order so we can have a sexual relationship." And see what he says. If he already has a prescription for viagra, then ask him about trying it out.
If he says he just isn't interested anymore, suggest he talk to his doc about testosterone replacement. He may not be a candidate, but put things on the level of -- you are interested and you expect him to do whatever is necessary to participate.
Here's the thing. Both of you are in this marriage. If you want to have sex and he doesn't . . . then you need to tell him exactly that. This isn't just his issue or your issue. You are a couple.
I would hope it wouldn't get to where you have to ask the hard question, which is: "If you do not want to explore what is possible so we have a sexual relationship, then what am I to do to fulfill my sexual needs?" Because that really is the bottom line if one's partner isn't interested.
Wow, thank you for all the responses. I guess someone hit the nail on the head so to speak, we have been living like brother and sister.....I will try all the suggestions. We are going on a vacation in the next two weeks so that may be the perfect time.....and we don't have any steps to go up so we are fine on that front!!!!! We do hug each other and tell each other how much we love one another. After all, I have known him since I was 13. I KNOW he loves me. He'll say things like you're as pretty to me as the first day I saw you, you have beautiful legs, things like that that make me feel weird. How can he see me like that after all these years. I am not ugly but gravity takes hold......Thank you so much.
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