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New here and my first post. Hello everyone.
My husband retired 3 years ago and he is 77. We have been married for 47 years. It has been a tough marriage not due to the usual reasons like cheating or addictions or sex or any of that. we are financially good, are both healthy. our kids are settled and we are close to them.
this is the problem. our relationship sucks. i used to think we are just very different people and so compromised, adapted, forgave, tried to keep conflicts to the minimum, stayed positive, see the good and ignore the bad, gave him a lot of space. i am just tired now. i feel it should not be so hard.
I am now convinced that he has some disorder. he does not seem to know what a marriage is or how a husband behaves with his wife. he acts like a 13 year old boy about chores around the house and as if i am his enemy. he is a hoarder and will bring back stuff i have discarded, and hide them in his room, his office which is always a mess. he has no friends although he tries very hard to keep in touch with people he has known. he is jealous of my closeness to our kids, my friends, my activities. he talks very loudly and long, often going on about politics but in a narrow way, repeating whatever they say on MSNBC, news that i already know. his idea of conversation is to ask a lot of questions but not wait for the answer before he asks another one. he is very anxious to have tight control over everything, giving me a hundred instructions about every single thing like driving to some place. it is painful to drive with him in the car. all these behaviors were always there but they intensifying now. i hate going out with him anywhere. an we have a trip coming up and i am dreading it.
so i don't know what to do, i am ready to move out and go live in some mountain cabin. divorce means we have to split the assets, the house and i have no desire for that. we both like our house. i don't care to meet anyone i will be quite happy by myself. i am afraid one of these days he is going to be sick and i will have to take care of a man who does not love me and i don't love. i feel guilty to feel this way. our children will be sad, they love both of us and feel sorrier for dad. they think i am stronger. i am not but i have to be the sane person in this marriage and i am tired and feel i do not have an equal partner. it is a daily conflict, any word can become a shouting match. so we try not to talk to each other and only time we do it sounds so rude i feel so unhappy communicating this way.
is there any hope for happiness in this marriage? am i being ungrateful for what we do have and complaining about petty things? short of divorce is there a solution?
Welcome to City-Data, CityCurl. I would recommend professional marriage counseling. You will probably get a lot of the armchair type here, but I am not an expert so I will refrain from that.
I second the welcome. I think your husband needs counseling if you can get him to go. Even a discussion with his regular doctor might help to get things rolling. He sounds like he is afraid of something--I'm not a psychiatrist but hoarders often have some hidden fear and his need to control things might also mask some sort of a fear.
You have a perfect right to feel the way you do and to not want to spend your time taking care of someone who doesn't treat you well. I hope some people on here can offer helpful advice.
After this many years with the same guy and NOW you want out? Why don't you just make your own life, activities, hobbies and interests. Lots of people manage to get along with this kind of arrangement. And yes, I think its pretty nasty, after a guy has worked this many years to support his family that now his wife wants to dump him.
Welcome to City Data. Please take EVERYTHING said here with more than a grain of salt. Because you've sought help, you'll find people who will treat you kindly, and those who will do this^^^^.
None of it really has anything to do with you, we can't really tell you what you should do, but I think Escort Rider (and others) have a good suggestion for counseling. You. Him. You and Him.
After this many years with the same guy and NOW you want out? Why don't you just make your own life, activities, hobbies and interests. Lots of people manage to get along with this kind of arrangement. And yes, I think its pretty nasty, after a guy has worked this many years to support his family that now his wife wants to dump him.
I was assuming the wife worked too. Back in the 1950s a man worked to support his family while the wife stayed home. Most retired women these days worked their entire lives AND took care of the house and probably the kids too.
Anyway, life with this man sounds awful. It sounds like there's something wrong with him.
After this many years with the same guy and NOW you want out? Why don't you just make your own life, activities, hobbies and interests. Lots of people manage to get along with this kind of arrangement. And yes, I think its pretty nasty, after a guy has worked this many years to support his family that now his wife wants to dump him.
I have never in my life heard a more insensitive statement. Shame on you.
This woman needs help and obviously none will be coming from you.
Welcome City-Curl. So glad you are here and were brave to tell us your story.
There is much help available to you. There are all forms of abuse. Not just the obvious physical or sexual. There is mental, emotional, and more. Your husband is suffering with some kind of mental problem and you can't fix it. Fix yourself. Please seek out a place that helps women. In my area, it is called Vera House. But I think in most places there are places just like ours only with a different name. What city/state do you live in?
God bless you. You have taken the first step toward healing yourself.
I would also talk to your husband's primary doctor to help determine whether something else is going on, then try the counseling as others have wisely suggested.
On a personal level, I too fear not being able to meet the challenge to properly care for a diabled spouse if that time comes. The best way to meet fear is to grab it by the horns and plan fearlessly for the future. It may not happen that way, and he may be caring for you, so how would you like to be treated?
I also agree with others that some posters have a history of being down right rude so please ignor those posts.
Best of luck to you. We are all in this together.
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