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We have planned for several years now to move to another state when I retire in January. The only thing holding us back at this point is that my in-laws are both mid 80s, living in their home 80 miles away and not doing well at all. They refuse any kind of in-home care even though they probably should be in assisted lviing by now as tdaily life for them is a struggle and they both have chronic health issues. They made no plans for this part of their lives so I guess they expected that their kids would take care of them. I should mention that they have never been my favorite people. At this rate, their gradual decline could linger on for several more years. My sister in law is still here to check on them but it does not seem fair to leave her to deal with all of this. Surely, someone here has been down this road. Advice?
What are your spouse's thoughts on the issue?
DH & I have been retired a few years and have delayed moving partially due to his mother. She's in an ALC and he has 3 siblings who will be here to look after her but none who are as capable as he is of dealing with the many issues.
He feels like he's done way more than his share and is comfortable with turning over the reins so we'll probably move in late 2016 or early 2017. The area we're moving to is only a 6-hour drive away and he can be back here by noon should a crisis arise.
Last edited by biscuitmom; 10-24-2015 at 09:09 AM..
When the time came to move my parents to assisted living, I had to introduce them to the concept and point out the benefits. They knew about nursing homes but had never heard of assisted living. I brought them brochures and we went to visit a few facilities together. When they realized they could live in a private little apartment, bring their own familiar furniture, be with other people, have the cleaning, laundry and meal prep all done for them, and not have to worry about house maintenance which my father couldn't do anymore, they actually got excited about the idea.
At the time, they lived in NJ and I was in MD (a 3 and 1/2 hour drive) and still working. My brother in NJ was no help. So they agreed to move to an Assisted Living facility near me in MD. The money from the sale of their house was more than enough to cover the "rent." After a few years, my father died from alzheimers complications and mom came to live with me. It worked out well.
When the time came to move my parents to assisted living, I had to introduce them to the concept and point out the benefits. They knew about nursing homes but had never heard of assisted living. I brought them brochures and we went to visit a few facilities together. When they realized they could live in a private little apartment, bring their own familiar furniture, be with other people, have the cleaning, laundry and meal prep all done for them, and not have to worry about house maintenance which my father couldn't do anymore, they actually got excited about the idea.
At the time, they lived in NJ and I was in MD (a 3 and 1/2 hour drive) and still working. My brother in NJ was no help. So they agreed to move to an Assisted Living facility near me in MD. The money from the sale of their house was more than enough to cover the "rent." After a few years, my father died from alzheimers complications and mom came to live with me. It worked out well.
My cousin had a similar problem with his Mom. Cousin lived in Upstate NY and his Mom/my aunt lived in NJ in her house. She kept having falls and other "incidents", and he kept having to make the long drive to deal with it all. So he moved her to an assisted living center near him. Money from the house sale is paying for the ALC. She seems to be doing well, has lots of social activity, and my cousin isn't exhausted from running back and forth.
Although it does not sound like the OP would like to move the in-laws to the new state...
Unfortunately, my mil absolutely refuses to consider leaving their house so they won't even consider looking at assisted living places.
What does your husband have to say about this? What are his feelings? What are his expectations?
What conversations have you had between yourselves about this situation leading up till now? What conversations have you tried to have with your in laws?
What does your husband expect of you in this situation? Do you know what the parents expect of their adult children, and if so, how do you know this? If not, why don't you know it?
And finally, you mention that your MIL absolutely refuses to consider leaving their house, so apparently you've had some sort of conversation with her about options. What was the gist of that conversation? What are their plans? How do you know those plans involve you, your husband or other adult kids?
Unfortunately, my mil absolutely refuses to consider leaving their house so they won't even consider looking at assisted living places.
Sometimes you have to get creative. On your way taking them somewhere else, drive by an assisted living facility and say something like: this looks interesting, let's stop in and take a look. Or: I always wondered what these places are like. Let's stop and see.
You probably would want to check it out yourself ahead of time to be sure it is one of the nice ones.
Or perhaps you or your in-laws know someone who lives at an assisted living place. Take them for a visit.
I know it's not easy because their generation thinks "nursing home" when you say "assisted living." They have to SEE it. Then the idea can percolate in their heads for awhile and maybe, just maybe, they begin to realize their lives could be much easier without putting the burden on their children. (That's another thing many of their generation seem to relate to: I don't want to be a burden to my children,)
DH and family are very tight knit German family. He has always wanted to rebel against their demands but most of our married life he has given in, example - every holiday spent there and not making our own traditions through the years. He wants very much to follow our dream to move but I think he does not have the guts to stand up to them and say "this is my life, too". So far, he has only told them we have to move to another house but he hasn't mentioned that it is 800 miles away. It is an endless conversation but my patience is wearing thin since we are now 61 and I would like to break away from this situation once and for all. I I have asked his parents to at least have some alternate plans, ie look at some places but they are stubborn. The thought of mingling with others outside of what they know is enough to keep them where they are. It's our dream but they are his parents not mine so I am stuck. I can only do so much.
DH and family are very tight knit German family. He has always wanted to rebel against their demands but most of our married life he has given in, example - every holiday spent there and not making our own traditions through the years. He wants very much to follow our dream to move but I think he does not have the guts to stand up to them and say "this is my life, too". So far, he has only told them we have to move to another house but he hasn't mentioned that it is 800 miles away. It is an endless conversation but my patience is wearing thin since we are now 61 and I would like to break away from this situation once and for all.
I have asked his parents to at least have some alternate plans, ie look at some places but they are stubborn. The thought of mingling with others outside of what they know is enough to keep them where they are. It's our dream but they are his parents not mine so I am stuck. I can only do so much.
I'm sorry but, IMHO, if your husband is 61 years old and still has not "cut the apron strings" I really doubt if he will be able to do it now.
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