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In reading the thread, "Do many "Older" women consider Men "Irrelevant"? a number of widows and widowers spoke appropriately fondly of their former spouses and related their good and much missed qualities. Many divorcees did the same and all expressed remorse over the fact that those relationships were no longer.
When I became divorced years ago, one of the things I decided was that if I was to ever enter into a committed relationship again it would NOT be with someone whose former spouse had died nor with someone divorced who still mourned the fact. This took in a large swath of women in my age bracket, mostly in the latter category. Were I to lose my wife now, many would be in the former category.
I think there's a natural tendency to, over the course of years, lionize former a spouse or partner if the marriage/relationship was mostly good (Are any perfect?). Perhaps I'm wrong but it seems to me there would always be that "third person" in the marriage or relationship and constant comparisons. In a sense, that would be like living with a ghost.
Am I right or am I way off base? Your thoughts please. I'm truly curious.
I know there are some women for whom the deceased husband looms so large than there can never be another man in his place. My mother is one of those women. When my dad died, my mother might as well have died too. Truly, her joy in life was gone, and although other men asked her for a date, she absolutely refused even to consider the idea. No one could come close to replacing my father for her.
But as for most of the women who posted in the "Do many 'Older' women consider Men 'Irrelevant'?" thread, I think the reluctance to marry again, or even to date again, may have less to do with the ghost of their former husbands than it does with their enjoyment of independent living. I am in that latter category.
So I think if you were to find yourself in the dating pool again (which I hope you do not), you might find women's reluctance to give up their independence a bigger hurdle than the ghosts of husbands past.
Last edited by WellShoneMoon; 10-28-2015 at 02:22 PM..
In reading the thread, "Do many "Older" women consider Men "Irrelevant"? a number of widows and widowers spoke appropriately fondly of their former spouses and related their good and much missed qualities. Many divorcees did the same and all expressed remorse over the fact that those relationships were no longer.
When I became divorced years ago, one of the things I decided was that if I was to ever enter into a committed relationship again it would NOT be with someone whose former spouse had died nor with someone divorced who still mourned the fact. This took in a large swath of women in my age bracket, mostly in the latter category. Were I to lose my wife now, many would be in the former category.
I think there's a natural tendency to, over the course of years, lionize former a spouse or partner if the marriage/relationship was mostly good (Are any perfect?). Perhaps I'm wrong but it seems to me there would always be that "third person" in the marriage or relationship and constant comparisons. In a sense, that would be like living with a ghost.
Am I right or am I way off base? Your thoughts please. I'm truly curious.
My ex was, truly, the love of my life. Our divorce was a big surprise to me. However, having said that I have no "remorse" that it's over. I never talk about him and haven't for years. If I were to ever date anyone again I expect he'd come up in conversation but would never be a "ghost" in the relationship. To me the past is the past, dead and gone, and I try to live always in the present.
I have known widows who really didn't like their husbands at all and complained constantly about them. Then they died and became saints. I never did understand that one. Never another negative word. Maybe it's because of that old "don't speak bad of the dead" thing, I don't know, but it has always made me shake my head.
I know there are some women for whom the deceased husband looms so large than there can never be another man in his place. My mother is one of those women. When my dad died, my mother might as well have died too. Truly, her joy in life was gone, and although other men asked her for a date, she absolutely refused even to consider the idea. No one could come close to replacing my father for her.
But as for most of the women who posted in the "Do many 'Older' women consider Men 'Irrelevant'?" thread, I think the reluctance to marry again, or even to date again, may have less to do with the ghost of their former husbands than it does with their enjoyment of independent living. I am in that latter category.
So I think if you were to find yourself in the dating pool again (which I hope you do not), you might find women's reluctance to give up their independence a bigger hurdle than the ghost of husbands past.
My mom was also "one of those women". When my dad died several of the men from her church tried to get her interest but it didn't take them long to give up. I remember once when I was visiting my parents and, somehow, the talk turned to the "what if's" of either of them being widowed. My dad said he wouldn't mind Mom marrying again, if that's what she wanted. She laughed like a loon and said, "Why would I EVER want to do all this AGAIN???". And she meant it! lol When my dad died my mom became independent for the first time in her life and loved it. She could buy the furniture she wanted, the house she wanted, travel when and where she wanted. She loved the freedom. She missed Dad a lot, yes, till the day she died but that glorious independence was gold to her. I am the same. There's no way, at this point in my life, that I want to give up my own independence.
I feel that my husband and I had a good marriage, although there were always issues-primarily housekeeping standards- that did occasionally cause trouble.
one of the major plusses in my marriage, as opposed to the current relationship with the sig. other, is the fact that my husband and I knew each other since we were children. we knew each others families, where we came from, each other's friends, the good, the bad, and the ugly. in the current relationship, my family had been long gone when we met, and I only knew his parents for about 3 years, prior to their deaths. there is much more explaining yourself in this relationship than ever had to be done in my marriage. there is much more history to be absorbed, and in most cases, without benefit of ever having known any of the people involved.
I think because of our shared history and memories, these provided a strength to my marriage, but I don't consider it living with ghosts. i'm grateful for the memories I have and i'm grateful for the current relationship I have. but, they are both very different relationships.
My husband is still very much alive so no ghost here. We have a good thing that's lasted over 44 years of marriage. Should I survive him, I won't be looking for another husband. I can say right now while he's breathing that he's the best thing that ever happened to me.
My husband and I also married young. I was best friends with his younger sister. Before my husband I was in a bad relationship where I was a victim. My husband worked with me for years to restore my confidence and self esteem. He was my best friend. With that history I just don't see myself in another relationship. I think I am just to much work for anyone else. I would need friendship and trust before anything else. So I figure I have a choice to be happy and satisfied with where I am now or to not be. I chose to be happy. Sometimes it is difficult but better than the alternative.
You are asking a complex question. I don't think this is so much about lionizing a spouse/marriage/partnership/friendship/relationship, as it is about personal experiences and the different stages of grief. In both divorce and death the grief process is at work. In the event of divorce, it depends upon which side of the divorce you are on. If you are the initiator, you have generally had more time to come to terms with the decision to end the relationship and the grief process starts long before the decision to divorce takes root.
I tend to follow Dr. John Schneider's Transformative Grief theory which built upon Dr. Kübler-Ross' study. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pioneered the study of personal trauma (which includes grief). She came up with five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and for a long time this became the standard measure of how grief progressed. At some point therapists began to realize that just because a person reached acceptance about a death/divorce/trauma it did not necessarily mean that the grief was ended or the person was "healed". People who were grieving would often state that even decades later they did not feel "healed" and would make statements to the effect that: "they would never be healed". This seems to be true because to people who have not experienced this intensity of emotion it is believed that once you accept that a person/object is gone you will "let go" of them and no longer miss them, or if you miss them it won't hurt. But it does hurt. I think of it like a broken bone. With time the bone knits together and it is "healed", but it only takes a very cold winter day or a very rainy day and suddenly you feel an ache. The bone is healed but the ache is there.
In 1996 therapists accepted that it is normal for the bereaved to have what is termed "a continuing bond" with those they are attached to even if that person is gone from their lives. This understanding sort of redirected Dr. Kübler-Ross' grief model. Now it is understood that people do not "let go" or "detach" once acceptance is reached. Instead a new relationship is formed. In other words, grief really isn't about letting go, or forgetting, or even moving on. We move on naturally, taken ahead by the currents of time whether or not we want to go. We don't forget unless we have some brain condition like Amnesia or Alzheimer's Disease. We don't let go. Who would want to let go of someone/something that they love/gives them pleasure to think of? Grief is really about finding a new way to stay connected to that which we love. We do this in lots of ways. Sometimes we do it in dreams. Sometimes we do it in memories. Sometimes we talk to them in our heads. Sometimes we pray to them. Sometimes we wear their clothing or accessories. Sometimes we keep their pictures. Sometimes a song will remind us of them. There are so very many ways that we maintain the bond that I don't think it is possible to list every single way there is.
Dr. John Schneider took all this into account and he came up with what is called Transformative Grief. In his model grief has 3 describable stages. The stages are (1) grief is all we can think about (2) grief becomes part of who we are, (3) grief is something that we once experienced.
So, as to your question, it is going to depend very much in what stage you are meeting the divorced or widowed. And it is going to depend upon how they continue their bond. And it is going to depend upon what possibilities they want going forward which will be influenced by their individual life experiences and personalty.
As to whether or not it is like living with a "ghost" that is going to depend upon your own personality.
My husband is widowed. I am widowed. We speak about our late spouses. We do things that our late spouses would have enjoyed. We tend to her grave together. We understand they are part of our past lives and knowing them helped to shape who we are today. Neither of us feels threatened that we once loved someone else. These people are dead. That does not mean that they have to be forgotten. And really, would I want to love someone who could entirely forget someone simply because they were gone from their lives? Do we forget about our deceased parents? Do we forget friends we haven't seen in a while? Do we forget our dead pets?
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