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So, has anyone tried therapy to heal a marriage that become "no relationship" due to lack of communication, miscommunications, or even bad communication. Such as structured instructions on better communication that expresses support, empathy or whatever else that is lacking. How did that work out?
married 14 years, we were having serious problems, i said let's do therapy to work on our problems, he went once and said he was not going back, and that if i thought there were problems, that was my problem to fix not his. so i left the marriage. it was unhealthy and toxic and if i had not left i would be dead. literally.
therapy will only work if both people are willing to participate
i got out of the marriage, continued therapy on my own, and became a much healthier person, because i was willing to work on self-improvement, and learn how to do relationships in a healthier way.
So, has anyone tried therapy to heal a marriage that become "no relationship" due to lack of communication, miscommunications, or even bad communication. Such as structured instructions on better communication that expresses support, empathy or whatever else that is lacking. How did that work out?
Yes, once. It didn't work very well, obviously. lol I was married to this man from 1971 to 1977 so it's been a long time ago but I remember it well.
It became "no relationship" because I refused to be treated like a child and probably lasted longer than it should have. The bottom line was that the man just did not like me. I wasn't really his 'cup of tea'. I was a hick from 'the wrong side of the tracks' according to his wannabe Southern Belle mother. He tried to change me completely but it didn't work. He tried to tell me who I could and couldn't have as friends, what I could and couldn't read and a whole list of things he had no right to do. Sitting in the therapists office on our last visit I got so frustrated and angry listening to him go on and on about my 'faults' I finally just said, "That's it! I'm done! I want a divorce and I'm going home!" and walked out. He was always on me about "self improvement" like I wasn't good enough. To him I wasn't. When I went to college in my 30s I thought he would approve. He told me he thought I was being selfish, doing it for myself and NOT for the marriage. What?? Of course I did it for me but it would've improved our life eventually in some ways. I was happy to get out of that one.
No matter how you slice it, divorce is a bit** . Nothing good about it. It upsets your entire life, causes you to lose a lot financially, and makes enemies of people you once loved. However, once time passes, you will settle into your new life and find that it might actually be better than when you were married.
I was married for 28 years and divorced at 54. For the first 10 years after the divorce we didn't see each other or speak one word. Then it became apparent that it was our Sons who were suffering, not us. So we buried the hatchet and are now on friendly terms, even sharing Christmas at our house.
After my divorce, I did have a 7 year live in relationship, but just could not bring myself to remarry. She was a great lady in all respects, and a lot of fun, but I was just too gun shy to tie the knot.
I will never marry or (probably) be in a relationship again. I enjoy the freedom of being single too much now and do not want to give that up. I get up when I want, go to bed when I want, do what I want all day, never have to ask permission to spend my own money, and never have any arguments over anything. My cat never complains about me not being around too much or how much money I am spending on my hobby.
Selfish, yes, but I love my life the way it is and would not change it for anything.
Moderator cut: deleted reply to rude deleted post.Next time REPORT
a lot of people (particularly religious ones) do not believe that marriage relationships just naturally run their course for some.....
they believe that every marriage can or should be fixed, or that couples should almost always stay together......and that marriage is a forever thing usually, no matter the level of torment
It can be difficult accepting that a marriage relationship can just naturally run its course.
Last edited by in_newengland; 05-12-2016 at 10:15 AM..
The kids have left the nest , and what is left is a spouse you don`t like ...... they say it is healthy to leave , but it is still healthier to forgive the ex and let it go out of you heart , as discord of hatred will bring on illness ....
If you asked for the divorce after a long marriage, was the process worth it in terms of your emotional well being? Things such as loss of support, companionship of someone who shares your history, financial security, and processing of a new state of being as a single person - what is your net assessment? I am not going to ask if you would still do it because I am sure it was a difficult decision and you made it. How are you doing?
I left at 40, after 20 years of marriage. I didn't regret leaving. I regretted staying so long. Bad thing: The first year was rough because I had never lived alone before, but, still, it took only one year to adjust. Good thing: I had always handled the money so I knew what I was doing financially; I had a very good income; and I knew I had an ample pension coming when I retired (should I live that long - and I obviously did). Would I have stayed if I knew I would have been poor post-divorce? Maybe. Being poor when one is older is very difficult. But I'm glad I didn't have to consider money in my decision to leave.
Like Curmudgeon, I didn't realize my faults in the marriage until after the divorce. I even called my ex and apologized (he was less than nice about it, but I had to do it, and I have no regrets). Still, I had no regrets at all about leaving. Never have.
After 5 years, I married again. I left after 3 years. By far, this time it was my ex's fault. My fault was I married him too quickly (didn't know him well enough), and I stayed way too long.
Had one very long relationship (15 years) but we never lived together, and he passed away.
I am 67, and I don't plan on having another intimate relationship with a man.
Sometimes I feel bad when I see long-time (40-60 years) happily married couples.** I have only a sister to 'remember when' with. On the other hand, I have known very very few long-time-happily-married couples. [And I've known and know a lot of long-time couples.] They are waiting to die and/or waiting for their spouse to die. I don't think that's a good way to spend one's remaining years.
**I know one couple right now -- known them for the past three years -- they've been married 37 years. For the last 30 years, they've owned their own business and worked together/been together every single day. And they still really like each other. You can see it in their faces when they look at each and talk to each other. Even their (adult) kids say that their parents have always been in love. They are an amazing couple. But they are not the norm.
As far as to which party is primarily at fault for the breakup of a marriage or if we should or shouldn't stay, no matter what, 'until death do us part', I love a quote by Margaret Mead that I came across many years ago. She said that 'marriage until death do us part was fine when the average life span was 30 years. Now that we live until 90, we need three marriages in our lifetime: Once to leave home, once to have and raise children, and once for companionship in our later years.' Sounds right to me. LOLOL
Divorcing at age 63 after 30+ years of marriage.
Most of it not great.
It was a mutual decision and we both decided that we need to find some happiness in the time we have left.
While separated, I met a great, younger woman of 38 who has told me she loves me more in 5 months than I ever heard in 30 or so years of marriage. My marriage should most likely never have happened, but hindsight is 20/20.
I am keeping myself in shape mentally and physically and just was forced into retirement.
Looking forward to some time to reflect and improve.
a lot of people (particularly religious ones) do not believe that marriage relationships just naturally run their course for some.....
they believe that every marriage can or should be fixed, or that couples should almost always stay together......and that marriage is a forever thing usually, no matter the level of torment
It can be difficult accepting that a marriage relationship can just naturally run its course.
I agree with you about relationships running their course. I can't imagine how life would have been with my first or second ex husband! This third one is up in the air.
So, has anyone tried therapy to heal a marriage that become "no relationship" due to lack of communication, miscommunications, or even bad communication. Such as structured instructions on better communication that expresses support, empathy or whatever else that is lacking. How did that work out?
My husband died in 2010 but we had had problems on and off for many years. Counseling only made things worse in our case because it brought up issues that were never resolved but swept under the rug until the next argument. I actually had one counselor tell me I needed to leave him for my own mental health. The counselor that helped the most was the one with a Christian based philosophy. Both parties have to be truly open to receive the advice and heed it.
I'm surprised to see how few people have known couples successfully married and happy for the long-term. Most of my family and friends who are retired are still on their first marriage. While things always haven't been the land of milk and honey, most people have stuck it through, and don't seem to be "tormented" by it. I know many younger couples around my age who have been married for 5-10 years, many to their high school sweethearts, and are happy.
Maybe it's just where I come from (Appalachia), but folks seem to take marriage vows more seriously than it would seem by the testimonies here, although maybe the nature of the question is just drawing out those who have been hurt, while those who are happy have nothing to say.
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LOLOL
