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Just recently, it dawned on me that I will never actually be retired, or at least "in retirement".
I definitley won't "have a " retirement.
I left my career, that up until that point had survived the birth of 11 children, to become the primary caregiver for my youngest child who has been disabled since the age of 2.
(Tried the role-reversal SAHD thing, was HUGE mistake; I will NEVER fall for that again!)
That was 10 years ago.
Within 2 years we were living at 200% under poverty level; & then the recession hit.
My husband, who is 12 years older than I, lost 2 properties; the first our residence & also an investment property.
He is now 60 yrs old & works 2 jobs.
I don't have a savings account, credit card or even a debit card (married 12 years & my name has never been on anything & he files single with no dependants on his w-2"s & then won't file his taxes at the end of the year...does he know something I don't know?).
If I were to be abducted by aliens tonight, he would be "up a creek" & unless he found another family member willing to let their whole future go, he would likely never work again.
He has thousands in a 401K that he denies exists ( I've opened the statements).
So, this post is my way of ripping the band-aid off quickly; please don't be too harsh on me (or, wait, that defeats the purpose!).
Also, my youngest disabled child is a gift; I'm honored to be his mother & caregiver & that part I wouldn't change, not for all the gold in the world.
I'm sorry there are such truly major issues in your marriage, complicated by having a disabled child. I certainly understand the need to vent. I have no desire to be "harsh" on you, but I don't understand the part about "that defeats the purpose". Certainly you don't mean the purpose of your post was to receive harsh answers? Or do you mean that the purpose of some posters is figuring out a way to be harsh? Or perhaps neither of the above? Please explain.
Just recently, it dawned on me that I will never actually be retired, or at least "in retirement".
I definitley won't "have a " retirement.
I left my career, that up until that point had survived the birth of 11 children, to become the primary caregiver for my youngest child who has been disabled since the age of 2.
(Tried the role-reversal SAHD thing, was HUGE mistake; I will NEVER fall for that again!)
That was 10 years ago.
Within 2 years we were living at 200% under poverty level; & then the recession hit.
My husband, who is 12 years older than I, lost 2 properties; the first our residence & also an investment property.
He is now 60 yrs old & works 2 jobs.
I don't have a savings account, credit card or even a debit card (married 12 years & my name has never been on anything & he files single with no dependants on his w-2"s & then won't file his taxes at the end of the year...does he know something I don't know?).
If I were to be abducted by aliens tonight, he would be "up a creek" & unless he found another family member willing to let their whole future go, he would likely never work again.
He has thousands in a 401K that he denies exists ( I've opened the statements).
So, this post is my way of ripping the band-aid off quickly; please don't be too harsh on me (or, wait, that defeats the purpose!).
Also, my youngest disabled child is a gift; I'm honored to be his mother & caregiver & that part I wouldn't change, not for all the gold in the world.
One of my closest friends married a man at age 21 who did not turn out to be a very good husband or father. She was initially a SAHM, and they had 3 daughters together with the youngest having a mild learning disability. Finally at age 36 she decided if she was ever going to change her life and the life of her children she needed to divorce her husband who gradually developed a serious alcohol addiction and become self supporting. With the financial help of family members she attended a low cost community college taking a course here and there with the goal to enter the nursing program. At age 40 she was accepted into the nursing program and 4 years later became and R.N., got a job as well as a divorce. The house was sold as part of the divorce and not much left from the sale, so my friend and her girls moved into a small apartment and all were very happy there despite the close quarters, and not living with their father actually improved their relationship with him. My friend sent all 3 girls to college on her dime as their father could barely keep a roof over his own head. Today the oldest daughter now is a Phd and principal of a middle school, daughter # 2 a CPA with her own accounting business, and daughter # 3 who initially had a mild learning disorder blossomed in college and just graduated with teaching degree.
There is no reason for anyone to be harsh on you, but do understand that you and only you have the ability to realize your dreams be it retirement or anything else. More often than not we need to make difficult decisions and take great leaps of courage to eliminate the obstacles be they people or situations in our paths that are preventing us from realizing our dreams.
Wishing you an easier path to realizing your dreams.
OP, I have nothing harsh to say to you. In fact, I applaud you for your work to care for your son. I am worried about the "not filing taxes" part of this. The OP can be held just as responsible for the taxes that are possibly owed. She is an innocent spouse, but even that will not protect her without a bit of a fight with the IRS, if there were any unpaid tax responsibility. I really hate to counsel someone on something so serious as this on an internet forum, but I think OP should talk to a lawyer privately to find out what her options are. Check in the phone book for sources of free legal aid.
Wow, thank you, everybody! I feel like I got some good feedback here!
The "ripping off the band-aid" quickly comment was because I caught myself doing something that could be counterproductive; I posted an issue I have on a very popular forum & then tried to say "wait! don't be harsh!".
Well, sometimes, people NEED harsh to spark a "moment of clarity", including myself! I can't ask for honesty for others & then be afraid of it; I have to "man-up".
To clarify: I actually am an RN. Thats the career I had to quit in order to care for my son. I started college with a 9th grade education & a 7 month old child when I was 18 yrs old.
I graduated at age 22; 9 months pregnant with my 4th child. Took my NCLEX with a 4 day old newborn under the table, in the back of the room where I could nurse him (thank God he was such a good baby).
Took my state boards "with" a breast pump.
Passed first try; only person to do so in 1992 without using a calculator (which has absolutly nothing to do with anything, I'm just bragging a little bit because I'm not too proud right now about much else).
Spent from 1992-2005 working my *ss off. Yes I'm a "breeder"; I've spent lots of money on child care, can be very creative with childcare solutions, never went on "the dole", all 11 of my kids had private health insurance, kicked 2 husbands that couldn't keep up with me to the curb during this period .
I've worked nights, days, weekends, holidays. Never took 1 vacation; just maternity leave. Worked up until my 9th month of every pregnancy (except my 1st set of twins; my water broke early AT WORK) with all my babies.
With baby #7 I returned to work just 6 days after I had him. My employer didn't even know I was pregnant with him until I was 7 months along; I don't think it's ok for women to expect a certain level of respect in the workplace if they are just going to spend the whole time on leave, on light duty, or any of that crap.
I returned to work 6 weeks after I had to bury my little girl in 1994. I had an hour long commute so I would turn up the radio & cry all the way to work. I had a certain highway mile marker that was my "get it together" cue. Radio went off, I blew my nose, dried my eyes & went into work every day with a smile on my face & a "good morning" for all.
I'm no wimp.
I guess thats why I was so dumb in this financial fiasco I'm in with "the husband". My typical attitude used to be "Whatever; you do you & I got myself covered."
Then; enter Autism. Not Autism the way most are familiar with; this is Severe/Regressive Autism.
My son is profoundly impaired & not able to be cared for in even care centers that accomodate special needs.
Now that he is 12, I have found some Respite Care options that I'm currently looking into, but that will be more of a "mom has a dr. appointment" type of help rather than "mom has a new job" type of help!
Thanks for letting me vent & thanks for your participation on this great forum! I like reading about everyone's retirement plans, hopes & dreams & even fears; but it does kind of feel a little "voyeuristic" !
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Are you receiving ssi for your child? He IS eligible, but if you are living with your husband and he makes too much [which is very little] he will be excluded.
There has recently been a trauma that might prevent us returning, but if we do, we are currently working on establishing an Autistic community in Pueblo. my son and I are both Autistic, but need fewer supports than your son does. we are in no way affiliated with any government agencies [my executive dysfunction is way too severe to deal with that] but there would be no problem with another or others to to start non-profits and I would be the first to volunteer.
Part of our mission [which I will be long dead before it has reached full fruition] will be to ensure affordable housing, provide emotional support, true friendships, sharing, recreation,respite care, and so much more. We have tONS of people interested [we were featured in Atlantic, which is where people heard about us]
One of our hopes is to stop parents of Autistics from worrying about what will happen to their children after they [the parents] have died.
We own 3 small humble homes, which is what we are starting with [currently renting to neurotypical familes until this starts] Mostly, we have a lot of dreams, and we need others to dream, plan, and build with us. When we get enough people here [and I know that is a few years] maybe there will be enough loving Autistic people here to care for your son and you
could take your Colorado rn test and return to nursing. pm me if interested.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Are you receiving ssi for your child? He IS eligible, but if you are living with your husband and he makes too much [which is very little] he will be excluded.
There has recently been a trauma that might prevent us returning, but if we do, we are currently working on establishing an Autistic community in Pueblo. my son and I are both Autistic, but need fewer supports than your son does. we are in no way affiliated with any government agencies [my executive dysfunction is way too severe to deal with that] but there would be no problem with another or others to to start non-profits and I would be the first to volunteer.
Part of our mission [which I will be long dead before it has reached full fruition] will be to ensure affordable housing, provide emotional support, true friendships, sharing, recreation,respite care, and so much more. We have tONS of people interested [we were featured in Atlantic, which is where people heard about us]
One of our hopes is to stop parents of Autistics from worrying about what will happen to their children after they [the parents] have died.
We own 3 small humble homes, which is what we are starting with [currently renting to neurotypical familes until this starts] Mostly, we have a lot of dreams, and we need others to dream, plan, and build with us. When we get enough people here [and I know that is a few years] maybe there will be enough loving Autistic people here to care for your son and you
could take your Colorado rn test and return to nursing. pm me if interested.
Wow! You are truly amazing! I'm not kidding; I am on the spectrum too & I could never pull off what you are doing!
(I was initially diagnosed as:
"The Most Profound Case of ADD I Have Ever Seen In An Adult Female".
Yes- that's exactly what was said by a Neuropsychiatrist that was an expert in the field. He asked to use my case history in his lectures that he gave nationwide regarding Autism & ADD in adults. Great; there went MY 15 minutes of fame!)
I am lucky; my RN status is not such that I would have to re-take my boards & I have years of great experience in Trauma, Surgical, Hospice & Pediatrics.
I will most definitly be sending you a PM later today!
I'm glad you found CD and even if someone treats you badly, don't leave! It's just like real life. There are some beautiful human beings and others who are not. It's probably good for you to have a window to the world. See different things and learn what others are doing.
I will admit I don't understand your life. And I wouldn't want to walk a mile in your shoes.
Just remember everyone has problems and issues to deal with. No one has a perfect life.
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