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This is a very interesting thread. I support the OP asking piercing questions like this, which should be bringing out the stories of those who realize their past is interfering with their present. Those who say heck no not me are missing the point, and missing the opportunity to be compassionate. And those who do feel cheated by their youth may go back and look at their past differently just by sharing their histories.
The heck no no crowd isn't missing the chance to be compassionate. We are pointing out a negative doesn't need to stay a negative or some had an early life that was good. Compassion isn't relegated to only those with the same viewpoint or life experience.
I don't agree that the OP asks piercing questions; many times they seem more like wild arrows hoping to hit a mark. Sometimes they do though and spark thought-provoking discussions.
Yes because my parents' made decisions that negatively affected my whole life. (I won't go into those again, however, as it would take a lot of space, they would be boring to most people, and I have listed the various points separately in separate threads.)
Yes, it is very well to say -- and I do -- that people should "get past it" and focus on the positive instead of the negative -- and, again, I do do this and usually succeed, but it is very, very difficult.
And, despite what others say, I appreciate it when SeriousConversation and others post thought-provoking threads. I do not have very much social interaction, and I very much appreciate the opportunity to use my mind and "talk" with others, even if it is only online.
As we all age, we tend to look back on and evaluate our pasts more. The more technical "knowing what I know now, would I make the same decision?" sort of thing, as well as things which impact us emotionally.
When I was 21, ten years ago, I never really looked back on my childhood or high school years. I was still wide open, a million miles an hour all the time. Ten years later, I look back on my childhood and young adult years, asking those technical questions and trying to consider how what happened then impacts me emotionally now. IMO, "looking back" is a natural part of the aging process, and we probably do more of it the older we get. If you have many more years behind you than ahead of you, wouldn't you naturally want to look back, not only fondly remembering the good times, but assessing the bad to optimize your remaining time as best you can?
"Seething" is a strong word, but I've known many "bitter clingers" who hold on to some past bad luck, grudge, or something completely out of their control, and blame that event/time for consistent series of failures or negative attitudes throughout life. You'll sometimes see someone hanging onto something petty and downright stupid for decades.
My great-grandfather committed suicide when my grandfather was in his early 20s. Grandfather blames his father for his severe alcoholism (which he started drinking to cope with the trauma of suicide) until he was 75. Even at 82 years old and sober, he'll blame his dad's suicide for his lifelong alcoholism, attendant legal troubles, financial issues, etc. You would thin at his age he may be willing to let some of that go, and realize that while he did experience trauma - at some point, seething and sulking over his father's death doesn't account for a lifetime of generally poor decisions.
As we all age, we tend to look back on and evaluate our pasts more. The more technical "knowing what I know now, would I make the same decision?" sort of thing, as well as things which impact us emotionally.
When I was 21, ten years ago, I never really looked back on my childhood or high school years. I was still wide open, a million miles an hour all the time. Ten years later, I look back on my childhood and young adult years, asking those technical questions and trying to consider how what happened then impacts me emotionally now. IMO, "looking back" is a natural part of the aging process, and we probably do more of it the older we get. If you have many more years behind you than ahead of you, wouldn't you naturally want to look back, not only fondly remembering the good times, but assessing the bad to optimize your remaining time as best you can?
"Seething" is a strong word, but I've known many "bitter clingers" who hold on to some past bad luck, grudge, or something completely out of their control, and blame that event/time for consistent series of failures or negative attitudes throughout life. You'll sometimes see someone hanging onto something petty and downright stupid for decades.
My great-grandfather committed suicide when my grandfather was in his early 20s. Grandfather blames his father for his severe alcoholism (which he started drinking to cope with the trauma of suicide) until he was 75. Even at 82 years old and sober, he'll blame his dad's suicide for his lifelong alcoholism, attendant legal troubles, financial issues, etc. You would thin at his age he may be willing to let some of that go, and realize that while he did experience trauma - at some point, seething and sulking over his father's death doesn't account for a lifetime of generally poor decisions.
This may be true for you and it is sad about your family's misfortune.
not true for me and this may fit better in Great Debate or parenting, or non romantic relationship forum. What seems profound to you at 30 was long ago settled for me at 65 and I have moved on to other things.
That is my beef with your posts. Unless you are speaking specific to retirement your posts belong elsewhere I M O. Or maybe ask for a new forum asking for advice and your life issue discussions
I learned a long time ago that the twists and turns in life, my decisions, and choices made helped me become who I am. I don't revisit them as you suggest we do. Even with choices I regret making , something good came out of them and I would go through the bad again to get to the good. So you are usually off on the long term view, but I would have been so too at 30.
My 4 paragraphs had nothing to do with retirement, neither did the OP's 4 previous paragraphs. Mod would you move this whole thread to a more appropriate forum? Thanks
Speaking for myself, the OP's observations are thought provoking to me, a senior retiree, and I never go to those other forums you mention. SOME retirees are interested. SOME are not. I think it is easy enough to just skip over the stuff we are not interested in. I did not read the OP for a couple of days, but then the title drew me in out of curiosity.
Getting back to the premise of the thread, I personally never looked back on my youth, except superficially, until a few years after I retired. And then it was to contemplate how that may have affected the different career/life paths between my siblings and myself. When you are active, and pushing forward, these thoughts may never have a chance to come to mind. Luckily, I had a lot of freedom plopped on me, which allowed me to stumble my way to a successful career.
There's no lessons to be learned form the past except maybe what not to do in the future. Other people's actions are beyond your control. You will always deal with them the best you can at the time. If you did it wrong you probably have that burned into your mind. Doesn't need analysis. The one thing I have learned is that the most dangerous thing in the world is self pity. It can turn a rut in the road into an avalanche every time.
I had a pretty crappy childhood. Alcoholic mom married multiple times, moved many times, changed schools many times, blah, blah, blah. I was happy to turn 18 and take legal responsibility for myself after many years of having taken actual responsibility for myself (and my younger brother). Do I resent it? No. Mom did the best she could with the hand she was dealt. May she RIP. I loved her in spite of herself.
Resenting the past is just wasted energy. Move on, and have a good time. Life is too short to waste any time on resentment.
As you age, do you feel that you seethe, brood even, over past events and real or merely perceived slights? Do you look at earlier stages your life with resentment, or even hatred? Do you hold and maintain those bitter grudges as a senior? Do you look back on your childhood or early adulthood, and can't let the wrongs of the past go, even though you may have had no control over the situation?
I must have been blessed as a kid in spite of my awkwardness, lack of ambition and constant daydreaming. I had good parents, a good tract-house home, decent schools, little community church, and a group of friends -- some I still have after 60+ years. It was a Beaver Cleaver sort of life. It could have been better....my mom worked to help make ends meet. I went to a community college and then a state university. Later, I had a successful career and a nice family and retired early. What's to seethe about? If I had exceptionally high expectations about being an Eagle Scout, a high school sports star, attending an Ivy League university and making big money all through my career I would have been disappointed at every turn and probably would carry a grudge.
My wife was much the same but her mom died when she was young so that made a big change and limited her a little but she never complained about that. She went to a small high school and in her senior year she was runner-up to win a college scholarship. The girl that won went to college and dropped out after a few months. My wife would bring that up from time to time because she had to struggle with college expenses.
I lived in the same state 65 years -- first half in a big city and second half in a small town. It seemed that the expectations in those different places were different. Being a "big fish in a little pond" was important to some people in that small town but that type of expectation really wasn't very realistic in the city. It seemed like there was a lot more pressure to "be somebody" in that small town environment and many of the kids eventually packed up and left at the earliest opportunity never to return. If you only have one high school you only have one valedictorian and one quarterback. There is less opportunity but greater pressure to succeed. The flip-side is also true...if you screw up somehow everyone knows it and you are a screw-up forever.
I had a pretty crappy childhood. Alcoholic mom married multiple times, moved many times, changed schools many times, blah, blah, blah. I was happy to turn 18 and take legal responsibility for myself after many years of having taken actual responsibility for myself (and my younger brother). Do I resent it? No. Mom did the best she could with the hand she was dealt. May she RIP. I loved her in spite of herself.
Resenting the past is just wasted energy. Move on, and have a good time. Life is too short to waste any time on resentment.
This is exactly my experience, except I became an emancipated minor at 17 and took over custody/support of my younger brother after I checked my mom into a state hospital for alcoholism. I had started work while still in high school and had supported our family of 3 for 2 years prior to that.
Although I had long given up on expecting mom to take care of herself or us, I never held any bitterness toward her. She had married a very wrong man when she was 17 in order to escape a wretched home life.
After a few more rotations thru the hospital, she eventually sobered up, remarried a wonderful man, held down a high-level responsible job, and was the greatest grandmom ever.
Speaking for myself, the OP's observations are thought provoking to me, a senior retiree, and I never go to those other forums you mention. SOME retirees are interested. SOME are not. I think it is easy enough to just skip over the stuff we are not interested in. I did not read the OP for a couple of days, but then the title drew me in out of curiosity.
Getting back to the premise of the thread, I personally never looked back on my youth, except superficially, until a few years after I retired. And then it was to contemplate how that may have affected the different career/life paths between my siblings and myself. When you are active, and pushing forward, these thoughts may never have a chance to come to mind. Luckily, I had a lot of freedom plopped on me, which allowed me to stumble my way to a successful career.
I agree with you, luv4. SC always has the more interesting, thought-provoking posts and I think they DO apply to retirement. It's a good thing to hear from a younger person on here.
I'm glad that most here are so satisfied with their life and past decisions, but some of us can look back now in hindsight and see what we could have done differently. I know I made some poor choices and I do regret them. Much of it was out of my control and bad luck, but it doesn't stop me from ruminating. It's hard to let go when you see the effect it has on you now. Some of us are not paragons of emotional control.
As to whining, nobody is whining except those who come on to a post they don't like, then whine about its existence. Same old, same old....
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