Babysitting in retirement (grandparents, vacations, moving, spouse)
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I missed my grandchildren when my daughter moved out west. We were a very close-knit family and were very involved in their lives although we lived 5 hours away. We were always there when the parents went on trips and any time they needed us. It broke my heart when they moved.
5 years later. we visited them often but now we see them 2 or 3 times a year. it is not the same but we keep in touch via facetime, text, phone calls. and also fly out when they go on trips and take care of the kids.
but we always come home. and it feels good to be back home and get on with our lives, follow our own interests, make plans with friends, plan vacations. we both are busy and we like it that way.
I used to be envious of people whose children lived in town. i still am a little thinking of all i miss. BUT. I am not sure our friends do not feel burdened at times. all the shuttling of the kids, days committed to babysitting, events to attend. their lives revolve around the children and grand children. they are not free to make plans. and i secretly feel happy i don't have those commitments, like I did when my own kids grew up and did not need my attention.
I think many older people take care of grands out of feeling guilty if they say they can't. Many people "use" the older folks I think.
I did babysitting when I lost my job at 63, from a company I hoped to get a retirement benefit, so I had to do something to fill in the gap of money lost. I support myself for decades.
After our second grandkid was born and we came home from seeing him, DH came home the next week and said we were pre-approved for a mortgage. If we didn't do this now, we would miss much of their childhood by the time we retired. DH is still working and I'm retired. We chose to move to FL and be here for the grandkids as snowbirds at first, but we are here year round now.
How right DH was. The kids that were 3 months and 3 years old when we got here, are five and eight now. I wouldn't have missed this time for anything. The other grandparents are here from England six months out of the year so it isn't all on me, we share. Next year both grandkids will be in school all day. How did that happen so fast?
We had 33 years of living away from our own families for our careers. 18 of those years were after our son graduated college and the two of us were free to do as we pleased. We were more than ready for this and it will be gone before we know it.
I don't have children by choice, but watched a close friend and sister-in-law bear the burden of constantly being expected to be the ''instant'' baby sitter for grandkids and great grandkids.
The friend learned to say ''no'', otherwise she would have been forced to sit home from 7am until 8 or 9pm. She still sits occassionally, but also sets aside time to do other things.
The sil did not and watched 2 for about 16 years. School year and summer. They would ask her to go with them on vacation when the kids were small and then expect her to baby sit in the hotel when they went out. She hated it but never said ''no''. No one ever offered to pay her all those years or expressed a word of thanks.
Now she is 75 and saddled watching a 2 year old day and night and she has health problems now that make that a real imposition. She has been doing this since the child's birth and will likely go to her demise doing it. Again, expresses anger at it but won't say no.
It can be nice to be close geographically, but it can get out of hand in some cases. The other women I know with grandkids are rarely available for social activities and their world seems to revolve around this role. I do most activities alone now as my partner is disabled and has limited mobility. Mostly I don't mind and have adjusted any expectations of planning things with some ''grandma'' friends. Most seem happy enough, so that's their life after retirement.
Last edited by HappyDogToday; 06-04-2017 at 07:14 PM..
After our second grandkid was born and we came home from seeing him, DH came home the next week and said we were pre-approved for a mortgage. If we didn't do this now, we would miss much of their childhood by the time we retired. DH is still working and I'm retired. We chose to move to FL and be here for the grandkids as snowbirds at first, but we are here year round now.
How right DH was. The kids that were 3 months and 3 years old when we got here, are five and eight now. I wouldn't have missed this time for anything. The other grandparents are here from England six months out of the year so it isn't all on me, we share. Next year both grandkids will be in school all day. How did that happen so fast?
We had 33 years of living away from our own families for our careers. 18 of those years were after our son graduated college and the two of us were free to do as we pleased. We were more than ready for this and it will be gone before we know it.
We almost sold and moved out west when my daughter moved. But the deal on our house fell through, and we did not find a place over there either. But I felt relieved in a way to come back to our own home and my daughter also felt what happens if they move back east. I am glad I had those years with my grand kids until 7 and 10. And do wonder how it would have been if we had moved. But I am also glad we are where we are.
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+/- chasing grandkids (moving) to different locations around the globe.
For a very close. nurturing, and cordial family it could be very rewarding. For most .... it is good to keep some space.
Lots depends on what time a Grandparent can actually invest in the grandkids, and if it is of any interest or value to all parties. (It most certainly will be a great value to the grandkids in most situations, but not all, and not all ages.)
I was so fortunate to have been raised by farmer grandparents. If I would have had to sit in a house / apartment or city my experience may not have been so pleasurable. I had a dog, gun, horse at my disposal at my parents home and my grandparents home. Just that my grandparents had the TIME to nurture my growth and learning. And good thing they did.
I have a list of over a hundred things I learned from my grandparents, my parents didn't have the time of day for their kids, or their grandkids. +/-
I have to laugh about the "babysitting" comment... Grandparents PLAY and TEACH and engage with grandkids, but they seldom babysit (IME)
As a kid, you are FREE to make mistakes while Helping your G&G
Honestly.... I learned SO MUCH from my grandparents, they formed my values and work ethic. It was valuable beyond measure. How else would I have learned to farm with horses? Or to help the elderly widows every Saturday? I was 2000 mi from home last weekend, and showed my spouse a sidewalk and hand rail I helped build
for "Bessie Lingle" when I was only age 8! I used Grandma's meat tenderizer to make a non-slip pattern in the concrete steps. My mom would have KILLED me for using her kitchen tools to pour concrete. Grandma had a very hearty laugh, and she loved the idea!
Last edited by StealthRabbit; 06-04-2017 at 09:37 PM..
+/- chasing grandkids (moving) to different locations around the globe.
For a very close. nurturing, and cordial family it could be very rewarding. For most .... it is good to keep some space.
Lots depends on what time a Grandparent can actually invest in the grandkids, and if it is of any interest or value to all parties. (It most certainly will be a great value to the grandkids in most situations, but not all, and not all ages.)
I was so fortunate to have been raised by farmer grandparents. If I would have had to sit in a house / apartment or city my experience may not have been so pleasurable. I had a dog, gun, horse at my disposal at my parents home and my grandparents home. Just that my grandparents had the TIME to nurture my growth and learning. And good thing they did.
I have a list of over a hundred things I learned from my grandparents, my parents didn't have the time of day for their kids, or their grandkids. +/-
I have to laugh about the "babysitting" comment... Grandparents PLAY and TEACH and engage with grandkids, but they seldom babysit (IME)
As a kid, you are FREE to make mistakes while Helping your G&G
Honestly.... I learned SO MUCH from my grandparents, they formed my values and work ethic. It was valuable beyond measure. How else would I have learned to farm with horses? Or to help the elderly widows every Saturday? I was 2000 mi from home last weekend, and showed my spouse a sidewalk and hand rail I helped build
for "Bessie Lingle" when I was only age 8! I used Grandma's meat tenderizer to make a non-slip pattern in the concrete steps. My mom would have KILLED me for using her kitchen tools to pour concrete. Grandma had a very hearty laugh, and she loved the idea!
That is a great post. It is definitely a beautiful thing between children and grandparents. It is a nurturing that is very different from what they receive from parents and makes all our lives the richer.
But I do find my role as grandparent as consuming as mothering is, even while I love it. Children are that way. All the anxiety about raising them become mine as well. So while I miss not having them near me I am also appreciating regaining my independence for the few years left. As they get older and mature they need more dis alpine and limits from their parents. All I want to do is play with them and care for them.
I was wondering the same thing a few days ago. I don't have kids, but just comments made by family and friends that do have kids and grandkids made me think about this situation.
A couple of the ladies were ready to take on other projects cuz the last grandkid was going to school and then boom - baby announcement. Should they just assume that they have to be the person that babysits?
And they are not super young granmas - almost 70 - where do they find the energy??
We were 3 hours away from our grandchildren, so we were able to go to events, like birthdays, etc. One summer, my daughter and 3 kids lived with us when they were between houses. We enjoyed it, but were always glad to be far enough away to avoid too much babysitting.
Now that crop of kids is college age, and our youngest son has not had any kids yet. I'm thinking that if he does, we might move closer than 4 hours away, because we will want to immerse ourselves in these last chance babies. We had yours, mine and ours kids, so the babies my son has will be the only ones that are from us together. More reason to really experience them.
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(IME)
