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Hi all, I have considered starting a thread for awhile now as this topic has been weighing on me. I hope to glean some insights and advice from folks with a different perspective than mine, and I hope to continue reaching out to this forum/thread to get further guidance. However I know that my parents are probably quite different from some of those on this forum so your wonderful advice will only apply so much.
Anyway I will try to be succinct but thorough:
I am an entrepreneur. Everything that I do is essentially remote and location-independent. Almost a year ago my wife took a job that is her passion and which has moved us to Miami from Jacksonville, FL. She LOVES it and plans to do this for another ~2-4 years at which point she feels she will have attained the necessary skills and experience that she can carry into a new business. She is also entrepreneurial (much moreso than me) and plans to eventually pursue other businesses of her own that will also be remote and location-independent. Although she is in her dream job right now, the main reason we anticipate only a 2-4 year tenure is because she, like me, has a desire to live around the world and we can't do that if she stays at this job for the long haul. We want to live in Asia for a few years, we also want to live in various parts of the US and perhaps spend a year or two traveling around the world. All this ideally before we settle down when the oldest reaches high school age.
Family: We are mid-30s, with a toddler and a newborn coming very soon. All four grandparents are retired and very close to their only grand baby. My parents love their life and environment in Jacksonville, where they have lived for about 40 years. Since we moved to Miami, they have spent about 30% of their time here and have clearly entertained the idea of moving down should we decide to stay here longterm. My in-laws and most of their family live in Miami at least part-time, so we are currently already in their domain, if you will.
Situation: My parents would obviously love for us to eventually move back to Jax so they can spend their twilight years in their longterm home and still be very close to us. They both just turned 70 and while they are in relatively good health, there is certainly a legitimate concern of health problems on the horizon. They are already far less active than before...they can no longer walk long distances or up many flights of stairs, etc, and traveling is becoming a little bit harder on them. When it inevitably becomes necessary, they will live with us and we will be their caretakers. For what it's worth, we are all ethnically Chinese and I am an only child so this is just understood. My in-laws are about 10 years younger, extremely active and in very good health.
Dilemma: How to balance our obligations/desire to care for my parents with their obvious comfort in Jacksonville? My parents know that we have wanderlust and prior to moving to Miami we had mentioned toying with the idea of a move to the west coast. I believe the decision to move just 5 hours away was a relief although even that hasn't been easy for them. If they knew we were very seriously considering a move to Asia 2 years ago they would be in shock and would probably do whatever they could within reason to convince us otherwise. I know that they have zero desire to move back to Asia. I can see them begrudgingly joining us on the west coast, but I cannot imagine them willingly coming to Asia unless their health necessitates daily care. It's also tough cause they know that we are basically location-independent. Any move we make will mostly be driven by our desire to live there, not out of necessity.
Ultimately I know I will have to broach the topic with my parents. I just don't know the best way to make them feel comfortable with the unknown and make them understand that we care about their feelings. And I want to know if we are being selfish thinking this way? There are many details I am leaving out but I've already gotten rather long-winded. Sorry and thanks in advance!!
Being ethnically Chinese you've known all your life what was expected of you. Yet you chose to be a location-independent entrepreneur and you're married to another such. Your choice.
That's significant. You've chosen something that deliberately goes against ingrained tradition and your parents' explicit desires. If I were your therapist, I'd explore that with you. What's behind that choice when there are so many other paths you could have taken?
As you point out, you'd be kidding yourself to believe your parents would willingly leave their home of 40 years to follow you around the world.
I don't see any alternative. You have to get your mind straight. You thought you had a choice. You don't.
I also think I see your wife's hand at work here. She's pitching a narrative about world travel being best for the children, right? So they grow up as citizens of the world? Whereas you know it would just about kill your parents to have their grandchildren taken away from them.
How much conflict is this causing in your marriage?
Did your parents move their parents with them to Jacksonville? Does your culture expect you to "be there" for them?
I moved to my youngest son's location. I did not expect him to come to my retired city. However, my husband had Alzheimer's and I knew that particular son would be stable. I would not want to continue moving every two or three years. I have found friends my age and activities for seniors in my location. That is hard to do. When I become frail, I have asked my son to place me in an assisted living apartment.
I believe your parents should stay in Jacksonville. You might even end up there when your toddler becomes a teenager. No one knows.
I am a parent and grandparent who followed my only child after his last move. A few years ago, he had contemplated moving to some areas of the US that did not appeal to me at all. If he had gone to Nebraska, I would not have followed. When he was in NC I was ready to move there but it wasn't my favorite but I felt I could tolerate it. When he talked about moving to Europe for a few years, I thought I would probably visit a few times but not move there. As it turns out, he moved to VT and I followed. It is different here but it's a place I like being. He is also pretty confident he will stay here. His dad and wife #3 just moved up here as well.
So I would say it depends on how your parents feel about the place you move to. They might like some areas but not others that you may choose. If you go to a place that doesn't appeal to them, or you don't expect to stay in an area for too long, be prepared to budget for airfare -- either for them or for your family.
Something else you might consider... instead of moving somewhere for a few years and then moving on, why not travel to various areas for week-long trips. Leave the babies with the grandparents - they will love it.
Added: You might want to research how children react to frequent moves. My one grandson was fine. The other doesn't like change and has had to work through many problems that one wouldn't expect a child to have to deal with. Moving with 2 babies is not easy, to say the least.
How will all this moving affect the children's formal education? I understand travel is its own education, but they will likely need paper qualifications later in life. Can you delay the travel & living abroad till retirement?
Being ethnically Chinese you've known all your life what was expected of you. Yet you chose to be a location-independent entrepreneur and you're married to another such. Your choice.
That's significant. You've chosen something that deliberately goes against ingrained tradition and your parents' explicit desires. If I were your therapist, I'd explore that with you. What's behind that choice when there are so many other paths you could have taken?
As you point out, you'd be kidding yourself to believe your parents would willingly leave their home of 40 years to follow you around the world.
I don't see any alternative. You have to get your mind straight. You thought you had a choice. You don't.
I also think I see your wife's hand at work here. She's pitching a narrative about world travel being best for the children, right? So they grow up as citizens of the world? Whereas you know it would just about kill your parents to have their grandchildren taken away from them.
How much conflict is this causing in your marriage?
Wait, wait, wait. NO ONE is a slave to culture. All the cultural assumptions you mentioned are just made up social constructs that no one is truly obligated to follow. Following these constructs are a choice and not a requirement.
OP, look for the best alternative that will work. Your family may balk but you don't have to sacrifice your life unless YOU want to.
Just an fyi. I was a military brat at a time when the Navy moved my Dad every 2 to 3 years. When I was very little I didn't mind but when I started school it was HARD. I went to 11 schools in 12 years. Some years I went to multiple schools. I hated it. The only stable home was my grandparents home.
Then i lost them at 11 years old. Both my siblings had major problems adjusting to new schools and homes all the time. I had issues with maintaining relationships for longer than a year or two. Sort of hard when with bi-coastal time zones.
Once I became an adult we picked a place and settled. I know every family is different but please be realistic about the impact on your children. I wish I had friends and family that I had grown up with.
Frequent moves can have a very difficult impact on children unless you are part of a large support system ( like military families) so I don’t buy the idea moving a lot is better for children.
As for filial obligations that are part of your culture there is no reason why those obligations can’t be handled long distance.
I was another child of a parent that moved frequently. We moved at least once per year. This has affected my ability to make friends and attachments in life. It was a fortunate accident that my intellectual abilities made it easier for me to change schools every year, but I truly hated my life in those years. I was "the new kid" eternally. I would enter a new school mid-year and end up having to play catch up in all my classes. Once I entered mid-year in a school that required us to take a foreign language and was plunked mid-year into a Spanish class, I'd never heard a word of Spanish in my life and suddenly was 4 months behind all the other kids. For me, I worked it out. For an average, or below average child, it would have meant failing grades and serious problems.
Your parents are adults and don't currently need your help. If you must move around, do it now before the kids start school. Settle down when your kids get past kindergarten. If your parents need you to care for them, and that has been your understanding for years, then work that out when they need the help. You are more worried about being selfish toward your parents, when you should be worried about the welfare of the kids.
By the time your kids are in high school, your parents will be in their 80s. They will be very much less mobile than they are now, and visiting you if you are far away might well be impossible for them by then. Even moving them to the west coast or somewhere else to be closer to you might be difficult depending on their health. But again, they might be in good health. I know some people in their 90s who live alone and have only minor health issues.
You need to speak more plainly with them to find out how they feel. They might be OK with your leaving them, but even if they are, know that you will break their hearts.
There is no easy answer and you cannot make everyone happy here. Perhaps you can settle in Jacksonville when your wife establishes her business and travel every summer since you can take your business with you wherever you go. I'm sure there is a way you can AirBNB your home for a few months each year and rent another elsewhere.
Take it day by day. Don't decide today what you will do in 15 years. Have dreams, but know that life might get in the way. You love your parents. Being part of their life as they age is a gift. Your kids will learn so much being exposed to them. Don't be so quick to deny them or yourself that pleasure. The world will still be there after they are gone.
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to be succinct but thorough: 
