Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have some nephews that are "rescuers". I don't say anything, but you know the relationship will do down in flames. I remember one dated a pregnant girl. I thought to myself - who dates when pregnant. Yea - I know they made a movie about it - but seriously? That lasted through a birth of their own child and then she reverted to what she wanted. The home life with a good hubby with a great job just wasn't her thing.....
It's fascinating how much one's needs (meaning one's perception of one's needs) can change over time. I grew up in the 1950s being fed the usual pablum of the white picket fence/happily ever after scenario that females were supposed to want/need/have. It was so ingrained that I (and I suspect many other girls in that era) felt that ending up with anything "less" would be a failure. My self-esteem was completely tied into whether or not I had a boyfriend/significant other; I really drank the Kool-Aid in that respect.
It wasn't until my fifties that I was completely out on my own (end of bad marriage) and realized that not only did I not mind not being in a relationship, but I vastly preferred it that way. It was a revelation! I could look back on my life before that point with clear eyes and see that all the signs were there but I simply didn't "read" them. Too blinded by societal norms that said I was supposed to want this and need that. Some people assume that my no-more-relationships choice is because of the bad marriage; not true. It's because being relationship-free suits my personality better. But if the 2018 Me could go back in time and tell the 1968 Me that "you do not need a boyfriend/fiance/husband in order to be happy", I am sure that 1968 Me would refuse to believe it. I wouldn't have been able to imagine it, back then. Just like I cannot ever imagine wanting to share my life with anyone, going forward. The very notion of it makes me shudder, LOL
I have a friend of roughly the same age who is in a marriage that makes her miserable on a regular basis. She often has anxiety attacks because her husband belittles her and puts her down, the whole nine yards. She is fatalistic about it and says "At my age I have no other option, my son has his own life and family and wouldn't want me, I have no other relatives, and I wouldn't know how to live on my own as a single woman with nobody to take care of me." I often feel like telling her "Don't knock it till you've tried it" but such flippancy would be rude. However, I suspect she is stronger than she realizes, as was the case with me.
I feel as you do (and feel badly for your friend.. more about that later).
I was a young woman in the 70's. I felt conflicted as you did for the same reasons, enjoying my own place and being independent, socializing, having male companionship, getting a boyfriend, but was not focused upon being married or having children. As you say, we were expected to follow the rules...though it was also the time of "sexual freedom", birth control, women's rights...changes.
I did have a boyfriend who lived with me for a time in the 70's, who ended up buying a home. Neither of us desired marriage, but continued seeing each other afterward, but later began dating others, having relationships, spending time at both their place and mine. I remember lamenting about experiences, the dating rituals and the ways of meeting others in those days, prior to Online Dating, (and have since observed how little this method seems to work for many). From what I see, how to meet others might have changed some, but what occurs with dating has not changed, possibly becoming worse in ways.
To mention, the guy who originally lived with me I am still friends with, living nearby to, being in my life ever since, though is not romantic. Since we speak on the phone regularly and run errands together, it kind of makes up for what would be missing, yet have thought I might consider a relationship again with another if that ever arose, really just seeking companionship. As mentioned, I would still want to remain in my own place, despite the togetherness we might share. I really do like my own time, but when with another am not distant but being giving, open and supportive. I guess that is all many really want, is a mutual outlook and sharing with a compatible companion.
Now, about your friend. It is heartbreaking to think of these kinds of situations and know that many, even men, may suffer in the same way. I know she must feel trapped, which is something I guess I always wanted to avoid. Having had a taste of emotional abuse with one, I do not want to experience it again. It would be nice to think that a person might be able to get income-based housing to escape something such as this or with those sharing homes now, but this can be complicated too, as with her needing her own resources and determination to get out, also not knowing how to be on her own. There is also such a demand for income-restricted housing in some areas that it is almost impossible to attain. (That's one thing those being left with having a home do not have to deal with).
Anyway, I have rambled on, but it appears that many feel similarly in not having a lifestyle that had been insisted upon.
Last edited by In2itive_1; 09-17-2018 at 06:26 AM..
I've thought a lot about how the marriage got that way. When we met, I enjoyed looking after him and taking care of all the practicalities of life. We didn't have children for a very long time, so taking care of him and the small places we rented was not overwhelming. I'm a natural caretaker, and he is an only child and enjoys being looked after. Also, we were out of the house all day and most evenings working, so not much housework/repair work was necessary.
When we had children, we also became homeowners for the first time. Suddenly the work load of "taking care of everything" became much heavier. A big house, a big yard, two cars, young children, and family finances to look after, all my responsibility. I became a stay-at-home parent to deal with it all, and he became the sole earner. So that became our dynamic for the rest of the marriage.
Well at least you recognize that you were responsible for the dynamic becoming what it did. Which illustrates one of my points -- the workloads of relationships become unbalanced often times because we women just let it happen. We fail to establish boundaries or insist on participation until it's too late. Then we swear off doing it all again. At least you know your personality well enough to know that you will most likely fall into the same situation in the future.
Good cause for eliminating the role of being dependent upon a man for complete financial support, the role of housewife, the strict dichotomy between only one person in the marriage earning money and the other not having a career nor earning money, women not gaining skills or education to financially support themselves throughout adulthood, the set-up where men have the power in the relationship due to a woman being financially dependent upon a man thereby contributing to lack of respect in the relationship for the woman, and casting the woman in the role of maid.
I couldn't agree more. Maybe for short periods when children are very young, but women without employable skills are frighteningly vulnerable. Also, I don't believe that accepting the role of stay-at-home-mom means you become 100% responsible for everything except earning the money. That doesn't automatically make you everyone's maid/repairman/child rearer. DH doesn't get a free pass to sit on his butt the minute he walks in the door.
Living with a woman is like sharing a bed with the CIA. "What are you thinking", "talk to me". Then they mess you over, and throw you away like yesterday's trash. Never again.
Living with a woman is like sharing a bed with the CIA. "What are you thinking", "talk to me". Then they mess you over, and throw you away like yesterday's trash. Never again.
How long ago did this happen to you?
I have felt the same anger and bitterness that I hear in your post. And it took me 30+ years to get over it. Are you going to waste your life being like me?
I have felt the same anger and bitterness that I hear in your post. And it took me 30+ years to get over it. Are you going to waste your life being like me?
I sure hope not.
Let's see exwife 10 years ago, exgf 3 years ago. Waste my life being HAPPY and alone? Not a waste at all. I shall never trust another woman again. I have ZERO desire to be in a relationship again ever.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
