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The recent thread on bullying (done by the first people someone met in a senior center, and the one on judging 55+ communities after a short visit have inspired this topic.
In retirement, we often find ourselves checking out new places. You may be evaluating new places to live, or visiting a senior center or gym for the first time. Maybe you are volunteering for the first time or spending time at a library. Maybe you are trying out a meet up group or a theater club.
No matter what type of place you're checking out, so many of us make snap judgements after a very short visit, and after talking with just few people. It's a trait we learn that served us well in our career years, but maybe retirement is a time to drop that habit. In my experiences, the first people you meet are often not good representatives of a place. Needy people, bitter people, drama queens, and people who have a hard time making friends for all sorts of reasons are often the first to approach you (because they need a constant stream of new friends).
I thought it might be helpful and interesting for people here to share their experiences with new places. What impression did the first people you met make, and was it a good representation of the place?
I agree, and I've found that observation very helpful in career years, too. Often it's the most aggressive, agenda-filled people who push their way to the front, and they're usually not the kind of people you want to be working with, or in the context you're addressing--live with.
I agree, and I've found that observation very helpful in career years, too. Often it's the most aggressive, agenda-filled people who push their way to the front, and they're usually not the kind of people you want to be working with, or in the context you're addressing--live with.
I so agree. In my working years, I had to be that way a lot because I just didn't have the time to dig deeper. But I think I often didn't give things a fair chance because of that.
An example of this: In the thread about 55+ communities, I mentioned how the first time we ventured into the community that we eventually ended up buying in, we rejected it.
It was all because of a bad first impression when we met some neighbors at the first open house we went to.
As we were leaving the open house they stopped to say hello. They were very needy, which should have been our first clue that maybe they weren't the best representatives. But we didn't think about that until later, when we met more realistic neighbors. Thinking back on that conversation, I really have to laugh at how strange it was. They talked about how we would have such a hard time finding friends but thank goodness they had met us because if we bought that house we could do things with them all the time. Then they told us we would hate most of the people in the community because "everyone is really religious and will try to force you to join their church" "the only thing people do here is play bingo and shuflleboard" and "people here are very snobby and class conscious, and if you aren't in a country club you aren't good enough."
About 10 minutes into our conversation we gave each other a look that said "This is not a community we want to live in" and we beat a hasty exit. I thought that was a community we would never want to live in.
Fortunately, we ended up meeting other people who lived in the community who said it was nothing like that. These people knew nothing about bible thumping or shuffle board, instead told us about a kayaking group, a hiking group and a few other community groups that were just what we were looking for.
So we gave the community a second look, eventually bought there, and are happy to report that I have never been approach by people who "try to force us to go to a certain church" (although we have been invited to one, but there wasn't any pressure). I haven't met any snobs yet. The people I've met seem pretty down to earth, and if anything this community is big on being inclusive. We also have yet to meet anyone who plays shuffle board. I don't even know where a shuffle board court might be. People here are actually pretty active, mostly a lot of people in their 50s and 60s who are a long way away from doing-nothing-but-shuffleboard days. I have no idea what prompted those people to make the shuffle board comment, but I guess everyone has different impressions of a place. I'm just glad we took a second look and met other people.
Last edited by Piney Creek; 08-13-2018 at 06:11 PM..
An example of this: In the thread about 55+ communities, I mentioned how the first time we ventured into the community that we eventually ended up buying in, we rejected it.
It was all because of a bad first impression when we met some neighbors at the first open house we went to.
As we were leaving the open house they stopped to say hello. They were very needy, which should have been our first clue that maybe they weren't the best representatives. But we didn't think about that until later, when we met more realistic neighbors. Thinking back on that conversation, I really have to laugh at how strange it was. They talked about how we would have such a hard time finding friends but thank goodness they had met us because if we bought that house we could do things with them all the time. Then they told us we would hate most of the people in the community because "everyone is really religious and will try to force you to join their church" "the only thing people do here is play bingo and shuflleboard" and "people here are very snobby and class conscious, and if you aren't in a country club you aren't good enough."
Not yet. This is a big community and I ended up buying in a whole different section, so I guess it's not that unusual. I do think about them sometimes, though and wonder if I'll stand in line next to one of them at a grocery store or something like that. And if I do see them, I wonder if they'll even remember me.
The recent thread on bullying (done by the first people someone met in a senior center, and the one on judging 55+ communities after a short visit have inspired this topic.
In retirement, we often find ourselves checking out new places. You may be evaluating new places to live, or visiting a senior center or gym for the first time. Maybe you are volunteering for the first time or spending time at a library. Maybe you are trying out a meet up group or a theater club.
No matter what type of place you're checking out, so many of us make snap judgements after a very short visit, and after talking with just few people. It's a trait we learn that served us well in our career years, but maybe retirement is a time to drop that habit. In my experiences, the first people you meet are often not good representatives of a place. Needy people, bitter people, drama queens, and people who have a hard time making friends for all sorts of reasons are often the first to approach you (because they need a constant stream of new friends).
I thought it might be helpful and interesting for people here to share their experiences with new places. What impression did the first people you met make, and was it a good representation of the place?
True story. After retirement we moved a long distance away so,we had to find a new church to attend. Wanting to stay in the same denomination we were used to, we began our search. The first one we went to the only person who greeted us was the pastor. We did garner a lot of stares from everyone else however.
Not sure what to make of this, we decided it was a fluke and went back the next Sunday. This time the pastor and the worship leader greeted us. That’s it. Believe it or not,we went back the next week for one final shot and the same two people were the only ones to speak with us.
Knowing we would not be going back, I emailed the pastor to describe our experiences in hopes that he would take the necessary measures to correct this problem. Since he never responded to my email I have no,idea if he ever did address it.
Continuing on our search, we attended a church where once inside we were swarmed with people talking to us. Talk about opposites! The pastors wife was very quick to point out that she had a son the same age as my daughter and that she would make a good partner for him. Never went back there either!
I went through something like this when I moved from Minneapolis to St. Paul. Every week I went to a different church & never did feel comfortable in any of them. I finally just started watching the church programs on tv Sundays.
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