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I have seen a few of my friends go through divorces. They are not fun and drains a lot of energy within the whole friend circle too.
Everyone has distinct personality and reactions to various situations. When two people live together conflicts are natural. My wife likes to resolve them in an hour, I take days. After conflict discussion, I make up quickly, but take my own cooling time.
Decision making is not unilateral, We put forward our points and concerns and address them.
Also the love in unconditional. In good or bad we love each other and stand by each other.
"Sorry" is another good word. Not only saying the word but feeling it too. We did or said something which hurt other's feeling. "There is always a better way" to handle situations.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JRA2000TL
Since there's a wealth of knowledge and experience on this forum, I'd like to hear from those who have "made it" in their marriage, whether our spouse is still alive or not. How did you overcome huge obstacles? How did you resolve conflicts and keep your love strong?
Some of you may have read my thread "37 and Can't Wait to Retire" and know that I'm newly remarried. My parents will be celebrating their 40th anniversary toward the end of this year. My wife's parents are about to celebrate their 45th. Both my wife and I, of course, want what our parents have--a life-long successful marriage, especially after both experiencing failed ones.
I'm "ashamed" to have gone through a divorce that I didn't request; however, I see that it was the best thing after meeting my new wife and now really seeing the difference, for the better, in this relationship. I'm already experiencing now what love really is and the compromises and sacrifices it takes. She was also previously married for less than 2 years when she was a lot younger. My previous marriage lasted just shy of 7 years. I can't go through a divorce again. People just throw in the towel too easy these days. Being scarred from the past, I have that constant fear in the back of my mind wondering if this one will last, and I hate that. While you can't control the future or its circumstances, all you can do is try.
From what I've taken from our parents are these things:
Put your spouse first - always
Put your marriage first - always
Avoid tempers escalating in conflicts - discuss things as calmly as possible
Communicate - overly communicate about everything; often express your feelings, etc.
I like many of the ideas expressed here, and agree with most.
My perspective from 41 years of marriage is that while it is nice to share a background, it is far from essential. My spouse and I were born many years and half a world away from each other. What is really essential is the ability to communicate and sharing values. While we were raised in different religious traditions, for example, both of us valued putting our families first and doing compassionate acts whenever possible. These are just examples. YMMV.
And communication has to keep happening. It doesn't work to stop talking about things. A breather yes, but continue to discuss something until you find compromise.
I am in one that outwardly appears okay but it seems highly likely that we will divorce in the next 5 years or so. It will surprise a lot of people, as we will have been married over 30 years by then and we don't fight and always were on pretty much the same page with regards to the kids, where we lived in general and in what house in particular. The truth is it has been bad for several years, She shut me out physically and emotionally quite some time ago. We sleep in separate rooms. She isn't interested in going out with me when it would be just the two of us. We have entirely different social circles for the most part but sometimes go together in "plus one" situations. What we want in retirement is too far apart to resolve. We have talked about that and don't say "divorce" but will likely live over 1000 miles apart. I know I am not alone in having a situation like this. We get along well enough that no sparks fly and there have been very few single events that could lead to a breakup and none of them ever did. The lack of a physical relationship the last few years by her choice gets more difficult to accept all the time. Part of what has kept us together is that it was very good for several years and every now and then it has looked like we could get back where we were. In the last 5 years or so it has become obvious that is never going to happen.
The point of that is that a lot of the couples who appear to have long successful marriages really don't. I think it is even more rare than it appears.
The point of that is that a lot of the couples who appear to have long successful marriages really don't. I think it is even more rare than it appears.
The perfect marriage I witnessed was between my great-uncle and his wife - great aunt (also cousin)
He had a stroke and passed away at 88 or so. She saw that and threw herself on him and had a heart attack and died right there! Even says so on her death certificate. They had their funeral together of course.
They were also first cousins. They married way back in the 1930s or so.
While acceptance, respect, a sense of humor, are all important...
What I've learned one year in is how your spouse reacts to stressful situations, and how they treat you in those situations, and how you react in such situations, and how you treat your spouse.
I can't explain what's kept us together for over 30 years. We are polar opposites. I think what's helped is this unbreakable love and lust we have for each other. Even when I wanted a divorce I couldn't be without him physically, and that still holds true today. Living with a cop is not an easy life. You have to be independent because you wind up going a lot of places alone. The stress takes it's toll as well. I don't know why I'm still madly in love with him. I just am, and he's still very much in love with me. That love cements us. The stresses just work themselves out.
While acceptance, respect, a sense of humor, are all important...
What I've learned one year in is how your spouse reacts to stressful situations, and how they treat you in those situations, and how you react in such situations, and how you treat your spouse.
All I can say in those stressful situations ( and we have had our share in the nearly 40 yrs we have been married), it's important to be there and supportive of one's spouse, whether that's a shoulder to lean on, commiserating over lousy circumstances, doing what needs to be done, or giving the spouse room to breathe as he/she works through his own issues or grief under those circumstances.
When both spouses do this, the relationship can be an anchor and lifesaver during those extremely stressful times, and getting through them and surviving can make the relationship stronger.
Keep a large supply of Xanax on hand and dole it out as needed.
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